(Cause I just realized it's been a while since chapter 4, Aleema is Jessie's friend from when she was a dishwasher, the one who told Liz Jessie could start right away cause she's a shitty dishwasher)

Aleema brought her necklace to her lips, her deep laugh rumbling through the entrance hall. She was dazzling, in a long-sleeved dress of some heavy fabric, the top half embroidered with flashy glitter, the tips of her shockingly pink pumps just visible from under the hem, a scarf patterned with colorful birds loosely draped over her starling-black hair. A princess waiting for her suitors to fight each other to the death, entirely out of place basking in something as crude as the neon light of a beer ad.

I scratched my head. The sting of her response was fading already, and I knew she had a point. A woman like her had no business wasting her evening on me, the one who went to the party of the year dressed in jeans and a corny "I like chicks" T-shirt, when she could be on the dance floor entrancing everyone around her with her sparkly eyeshadow and sensual moves.

"Jessie," she said, sighing at me with her head tilted, clasping my hand in hers, "honey, you know I adore you as much as any of my alphabet gang pals. But hiding behind me isn't going to do you any good."

A deep sigh escaped me, one that had been building up since I climbed into the Uber and had wanted to throw myself out again immediately after the driver took off. The wriggling nerves settled down, and I offered her an apologetic smile for even suggesting to be her date tonight. "Sorry. I'm just..."

"Don't say any more," she said. "I totally get it. But you're a queen, and you can get through this, alright? You're already here, so it's only going to be easier from now on." I nodded, even though I felt less like a queen and more like a peasant trudging through pools of mud. "Hm? What you say? I need someone to escort me through the doors." She held out her arm, her head held high, and I took it without hesitation.

Aleema's long legs took sure strides, covering much more distance in one step than was possible for me, and I had to put all of my energy in not lagging behind like a dog lingering to sniff at an empty coke can. She dragged me into the bar, smiling as sweetly as the mixed drinks people were carrying around, and heads turned to ogle her ass in that magnificent dress, excited voices greeting her from all sides. She'd been the life of the party as long as I'd known her, the one everyone admired for her sheer happiness and kindness — well, except for that transphobic piece of shit we'd had to kick out a few years ago. Though the stares were directed at her, I focused on my shoes, my cheeks too hot for comfort. How anyone could stand being in the spotlight like this was beyond me.

Contrary to my expectations, Aleema didn't let me go, taking me around the whole bar area to yell hello's over the pulsing beat of the music. The place hadn't changed since the last time I'd been there, with the dancing platform in the center and rainbow streamers spanning the ceiling — even most of the people there were at least vaguely familiar, and I tensed, spotting a club of four at our usual spot in the corner, gathered around a table.

This was why I'd needed a date. Or at least, part of the reason. Alex in her leather jacket, whose house I'd left crying after she told me it was time to let go of Lennox. Selena, who didn't yet seem to have kicked the habit of patting the pack of cigarettes in her jacket pocket every few minutes. Orisa, today with pretty side-pinned coils, her hand possessively on Keysha's exposed waist. Orisa was the one who kept messaging from time to time, inviting me for movie nights, but I knew she only did that because she was a good person. They'd been Lennox's friends first, and I held no illusions my presence would be welcomed after that messy break-up. Seemed I still hadn't learned not to get attached to people who belonged to someone else.

"Jessie!" Of course, it was Orisa who spotted me first, her face splitting into a wide-eyed grin. For once, she let go of Keysha, running up to me to smother me in a hug, tripping over the footrest of Selena's wheelchair. "Oh my god, we thought you'd moved away! Your number was disconnected."

Oh. I tried to smile, only it felt more like I was at the dentist showing them my teeth for inspection. Selena grinned at me, with a cool nod, and Alex bumped my shoulder, almost knocking me over with the force of it. "Hi," I said, hiding my hands in the pockets of my zip-up hoodie. Aleema had vanished, probably roped in by a crowd of simping queers, and suddenly, I forgot why I'd been so intent on attending this party in the first place.

"Where have you been?" Selena asked. She had a full face of make-up, with shocking eyeliner and dark lipstick, which meant this was one of her good days. In a flash, I remembered seeing her in the second-hand store and promptly turning away, and while it'd seemed like the only option back then, right now, I felt like the coward Lennox had told me I was.

"Busy shacking up with her hot girlfriend," a voice behind me said, and my heart jumped. Lennox was carrying a tray of plastic cups, planting it down on the table before her, beer sloshing over the rims. There she was, with her lopsided smirk and messy topknot, just as cute as the day we met, offering me a beer with a shy tilt to her head. "Oh, wait," she said, placing it back down. "It's plastic. I'll get you a glass."

"I'll get it!" Orisa said, already gone before I could protest.

This wasn't going the way I'd intended. I was supposed to look cool and chill and show my ex I was doing fine — not sitting down with the whole friend group to have a drink. Not choking up because she remembered it took me too much effort to hold a plastic cup without spilling it all over myself.

"A hot girlfriend, huh?" Alex checked behind me, like she was expecting the non-existent woman to turn up out of the blue. "Is she coming?"

"Uh—"

"My, my, you are the definition of a U-haul lesbian," Selena said, accepting one of the beers from Lennox.

Orisa returned with an uncapped bottle, thrusting it in my hands so enthusiastically I almost dropped it. "Oh, a new lover, I hear? Are they here?"

I couldn't say anything. They were being so authentically nice, like they'd genuinely missed me, and it was like cold water dripping down the back of my neck. After the break-up, I'd been at my absolute lowest, spending hour after hour in bed staring at the ceiling, and somehow, I'd managed to forget these were great people and removed them from my life like they were mere spots on my shoes. I'd been convinced they all sided with Lennox, that they all knew of her betrayal and supported her, when, in fact, not one of them had ever said something that actually confirmed that idea.

"Leave her alone, guys," Lennox said. She'd spilled some of her beer and was wiping her fingers on her pants, characteristically impractical, and it was so damn confusing. Because every time I'd imagined seeing her again, imagined bumping into her right at this party, I'd seen tears and angry words and accusations, but all I saw now was a woman I'd once cared about and probably would always love a little bit.

Selena pursed her lips. "You know I hate it when you use that word, Len," she said, and Lennox apologized, leaking even more of her drink in the process. "So? The new girlfriend?"

She looked at me so sternly I felt like I was at a job interview, and all at once, Liz's scheme didn't seem as freeing anymore. I shifted my weight, pretending to have just taken a big gulp of my beer, my mind in tangles. Lying was Manon's specialty, not mine.

Lennox pointed at something behind me. "Oh, there she is," she said, and I was ready to confess the truth when I felt a hand on my back, that heavy perfume I'd recognize anywhere dominating the air —

Elizabeth pressed a kiss to my cheek, casual and quickly, like this was a practiced greeting between the two of us. She was at the perfect height for it, courtesy of a pair of pumps, and my heartbeat fell in sync with the music. "Sorry I'm late," she said, "I got caught up at work." It was a lie, and not even a good one considering it was ten pm, but even though I knew, for a second, I wholeheartedly believed her. She was in crisp black slacks, one hand in her pocket, a silk emerald blouse hugging her frame, enough buttons undone to treat me to a hint of her lacy bra, her hair falling down her back in effortless waves, the honey-brown almost ebony in the bad lighting of the bar. The hand on my back moved to my waist, pulling me closer, and holy shit — Elizabeth was here. At a queer bar, at a fruity party, clinging to me like I was hers.

Alex whistled. "Where the hell did you find her?" she blurted out, foolishly gaping at Liz, a little lower than I was comfortable with.

"In the closet," Elizabeth answered, in her famous deadpan tone, and it was only when I snorted that the rest of them started laughing, including Lennox. She was nervous, her body tense against mine, making a show of throwing her hair over her other shoulder, exposing her neck. Why did she come if she was this uncomfortable? Ari didn't make her, did they?

"Well, remind me to take a trip to IKEA this weekend," Alex joked. "Welcome to the club. I'm Alex, and these are Selena, Orisa, Keysha, and Lennox. All of us use she/her, at the moment." Elizabeth's dark eyes, nearly black in this lighting, landed on my ex-girlfriend, sweeping over her with an unreadable expression. Of course, my ex, in true Lennox fashion, took a large swig and launched into spluttering coughs. It seemed to please Liz — anyone else wouldn't have noticed, but I knew her too well to miss the momentary upturn of her lips, the slight curve of her brow.

"Elizabeth," she introduced herself, then, after a beat, added: "Also she/her." She relaxed against me, still not removing her hand, and followed Lennox's movements as she dabbed at her sweatshirt with a tissue. Lennox's adorable clumsiness had been one of the things that'd attracted me to her in the first place; it was so different from Elizabeth, though, who could even drop a fry to the floor with the elegance of wind breezing through the leaves.

"Uhm," I said, suddenly hit with the weirdness of the situation. "Sorry, all, I'm gonna take her with me for a second. I really wanted to show her the... uh — plant... pathos... along the wall there — you know. Come on, uh, baby?"

There was snickering and some jeering, a "she wants to show you her plant," from Alex, and the hoodie I was wearing was instantaneously stifling, especially when Liz's fingers slid down my arm to take my hand, letting me guide her through the clusters of people surrounding the dance floor. Only at the other side did I let go and turn around. She was standing close to me, like we still had to hold up pretenses, and her lipgloss shone whenever the beams of the mirror ball caught her face, and damn, I called her baby. Whatever the reason, she drove all the way to the other side of town to aid me in a stupid plan to show Lennox I was doing fine without her. "Where are the kids?" I heard myself ask.

"In the car," she said, a little snippy.

"What?"

She rolled her eyes. "At home with Hakim."

"Oh. Of course." I looked at her, eyes open and soft, rare shyness in them when she averted them for a second to straighten the collar of her shirt. "Why are you here?"

I didn't mean for it to sound the way it did, accusing, like her showing up out of the blue was some great inconvenience, when really, it was one of the nicest things she'd ever done. "I'm righting my wrongs," she said, the shyness replaced by a tight mouth. "Concerning the... incident with the mailwoman."

"You can't," I blurted out, and her lips parted in shock, and shit, this was all a big mess. "I mean, you can't pretend to be my girlfriend." It wouldn't be fair to anyone, considering I was in love with her and wanted her kisses more than anything. If Manon were here, she would've shaken her head at me, the adult incapable of facing her past head-on.

"Why not?" She jerked her head back, taking a step away from me like my words had burned her.

"Because I—" I stumbled sideways into the wall, only just managing to hold onto my beer. The person who'd bumped into me didn't apologize, staring right ahead while marching on in the direction of the bathroom. Elizabeth watched them go, scowling. Right. Divine intervention. Don't go admitting your feelings to your boss. "Because it's wrong and immature."

She swallowed visibly, closing her eyes for a long, slow second. "Fine," she spat then, with much more venom I'd expected. "Consider us broken up. But I'm staying." Without warning, she snatched my beer from my hands, fingers hot on my skin, the touch sending a shiver down my spine. "I belong here, and you didn't invite me." There was a searing look, and then she turned around, disappearing into the crowd.

Crap. I was trying not to ruin our friendship, and see where that got me.

The music thrummed through my chest, Paris Hilton singing about her best friend's ass, and I groaned, throwing my head back. This party was an even bigger disaster than I'd expected. My stomach had rolled upside down, causing churning nausea, even though I wasn't even drunk yet. The crowd shifted, and I caught sight of Aleema again, tucked away into a corner booth, her dress shimmering brightly as she moved, hiding her company from view. Of course, the two most beautiful women here would gravitate towards one another — it'd only been a matter of time. Another pang erupted in my chest. I hadn't thought it would be this soon, though, Aleema smiling, sweeping her eyes over all of Liz, and somehow ending up leading her away only a moment later.

To make matter's worse, a waft of faint orangey vegan Lush perfume announced that Lennox had found me. She was smirking at me, her hands buried in her pant pockets. Only now did I notice all the white hairs on her black shirt, and my stomach settled, recalling the image of her snuggling with the cats at the shelter. "So," she said, leaning a bit closer to make herself heard over the beat, "a mom, huh?" She nodded in the direction of Elizabeth, momentarily visible because Aleema bent down to reach for her purse.

"How did you—" Oh, damn. Not the boobs, right? Lots of childless women had boobs like hers, so that'd be weird — and it wasn't like they were overly big — not that I spent too much time thinking about that. Obviously.

Lennox laughed in my face, her top knot bouncing slightly. "Relax," she said, like we were friends, like she could say that to me and it'd work, "Aleema told me."

That did nothing to help me relax. Apparently, Aleema had remembered Elizabeth from that one moment half a year ago and had talked about her with other people. In my plans to get over my best friend, I'd always imagined myself falling in love with someone else first, not having to stand by while she went out on dates with someone other than me. She deserved someone great, though, and if it'd happen, I'd support her no matter what. Not that it'd be Aleema. That'd never work.

"I'm impressed you were brave enough to talk to her," Lennox continued. "I think I'd have a panic attack."

"Who says I didn't have a panic attack?" I murmured, flinching when Aleema leaned in Elizabeth's direction. They weren't a good match relationship-wise: Aleema needed to be the center of attention and wasn't ready to give up long nights, glamorous shopping trips, and spontaneous parties — but maybe Elizabeth was only looking for something casual anyway. Or maybe, I was overthinking and Aleema was just welcoming her to the club, like she frequently did with newcomers.

Lennox nudged my shoulder, demanding my attention back with a smile. Once I'd loved her so much my heart would've exploded. Not now, though. She was still incredibly pretty, in that oblivious country girl coming to the city way, still had the same butterfly tattoo as I did, still seemed as kind as she'd always been. And yet, that smile did nothing for me. "I'm happy for you, Jess," she said, close to my ear. "You're really cute together." She glanced in the booth's direction and gestured at it. "I don't get what you're doing over here, though."

I wasn't a great secret keeper on my best days, and this was one secret too many. Shuffling in place, I turned my back to them, taking a deep breath. "It's all a lie. I wasn't sure if I could face you alone, so I tried to get a date. She messed that up for me and, well, apparently decided to make it up to me by... doing this." Admitting that calmed me down a bit, and I rubbed my face, not looking forward to the response. There wasn't one. She just looked at me with her head bowed, a strange tension to her cheeks. "We're not actually together," I added for clarification.

That was when she snickered. "Yeah, you sure about that?"

Alright, that wasn't uncalled for. It had taken me three dates with Lennox to realize that we were, in fact, dating. This was an entirely different situation, though. "I'm sure this time," I said, fighting back a smile. "We do live together, but... she's my boss. I look after her kids."

Lennox shook her head. "O my god," she muttered, bumping me in the shoulder, "you useless lesbian!" She threw her hands in the air, laughing worryingly demonically. "Jess, she shows up to a gay bar to pretend to be your girlfriend," she articulated. "She intimidated me on purpose. You say she messed up your date. Plus, she kissed you on your cheek like she'd done it before. Pretty sure that's not in your contract."

When you put it like that, it did suddenly seem super suspicious. But it couldn't be true, right? I couldn't be that blind to miss someone liking me for a second time. I threw a glance over my shoulder, only Aleema was still blocking her from view. "I mean, she's just... way out of my league," I said, trying to ignore the way my stomach flipped over. "Have you seen her? And she's so smart and determined and such a loving mom and way more mature than I'll ever be — I mean, I'm practically a baby next to her." I wasn't sure how the holy cow I ended up confessing my feelings for Liz to my ex; I didn't exactly care, though, because damn, it felt good to get it off my chest.

"First off, ouch," Lennox said, and well, yeah, maybe she deserved that. "Second, stop underestimating yourself! You're an amazing person, Jess. Trust me, I've dated you for four years, and I had a blast during the time."

And yet, she'd left me so she could travel the world. Left me because she'd realized I wasn't the only person she could love. She'd never cheated, only told me she thought she could like someone else if she let herself, and it'd felt like the same thing back then. "So, why didn't we work out?"

She shrugged. "We wanted different things. You're in love with a mom of three, for christ's sake. I would run far, far away if I was in your shoes." She averted her gaze, rubbing the back of her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry. For calling you a coward. If anything, I was one. I wasn't ready to be a mother to Nick, Jessie. I don't know if I'll ever be."

Strange. What seemed like the dream to me could be a nightmare for others. All this time, I'd been dreading seeing her again, having to know she was happy without me in my life, and now, I said: "No, don't be sorry," and meant it, too. "You tried to tell me you were scared, and I thought I could fix it by proposing." It seemed stupid now, and I wondered what I'd been most heartbroken about: losing a girlfriend or losing the chance of a happy home. "I guess... I'm sorry. For being so mad at you."

She tilted her head, her top knot bouncing to the side. "I broke up with you when you wanted to marry me. I get you wouldn't exactly like me after that." And there was her smile, bright and sunny and a little sheepish, just like I remembered. "But maybe we can be friends again someday?" She bumped my shoulder. "Hm? You can invite me to your wedding to Miss Out-Of-Your-League, like a real lesbian ought to?"

I couldn't help but smile back, my stomach going wild at her words. My heart was thumping now, drowning out the beat of the music, and my vision went a bit hazy, like I was the only one who existed and everyone else were phantoms. "You really think she likes me like that?"

Lennox nodded earnestly. "Positive. You should totally go for it. Ask if you can kiss her. Play it off as a joke if she rejects you."

"Like I am anywhere near as smooth as to do that."

"I'm confident she'll help you get there." There was a little push in my back. "Go, Jess. Get your girl."

And maybe it was the over-the-top cheerleading sequence she started, or the adrenaline that pumped through my veins, or the memory of Liz kissing my cheek in that self-made castle — whatever it was, I zigzagged through the crowd of flirting and drinking people, never taking my eyes off that booth, and tapped Aleema on her shoulder. She didn't seem surprised when she saw me, and all at once, I was sure she'd never intended to do anything more than talk to Liz. "Can I cut in?" I asked, like they were dancing, my brain too wired to tell me if it was a correct sentence in this situation.

Aleema's face glowed, and I didn't know if it was her or the mirrorball. "Of course, honey," she said, immediately getting up, "she's all yours."

Yeah. I hoped so.

I slid into the booth, as close as I could get to her without touching. She was leaning against the wall, her arms crossed, regarding me with raised eyebrows. Her hair was mussed up, her cheeks flushed from the heat in the bar, and damn, she was gorgeous, and I couldn't believe I was about to do this.

"Hi," I said, because I never had much game.

She rolled her eyes. "Do you always talk to your exes this much?"

"No. But maybe I should. It's very enlightening."

She smiled a little, trying to hide it behind her hand, and my heart stopped. I should've thought about this more before coming over, devised a battle plan, maybe even ask Ari for advice — yeah, no, that wasn't a good idea. At all. Liz was my friend; she liked me. I wouldn't be carrying pink bubblegum around if she didn't. I just had to say something. Anything. "So, yeah, uhm. I'm sorry I didn't invite you." No response, except for a barely audible huff. "Uhm. Are you having a good time, at least?"

Her eyes sparked, not in annoyance, but in something that made my breath catch in my throat as she watched me through her long lashes. "No." Her gaze traveled down my front, taking in the yellow cartoon baby chicken on my top. "I came here thinking I might finally get to kiss a woman, but so far, I only got broken up with."

Oh, she was so stunning like this, half turned in her seat, her hand casually wrapped around the martini glass on the table, with that solemn gaze of hers and a hint of humor in her dark irises. "What bonehead broke up with you?"

A shrug, and her gaze burned right through me, transforming my stomach into a professional surfer. "She's not a bonehead," she said, straightening up, "even if she's wearing an awful T-shirt and spends so much time with my kids she uses the word bonehead."

She was too close, with her heavy perfume and her warm body, chest heaving up and down, and there were a million things I could say, only they all jumbled in my head like the chaos in the living room whenever Ari tipped over all the boxes with toys, and wait, what was her hand doing on my face? She sighed, slightly annoyed, fingers tracing a path on my cheek like she was connecting my freckles. "Jessie," she said, "what do I have to do to let you know I want to kiss you?"

Just like that, before I lost my courage, before I could overthink it, I bridged the distance between us and pressed my lips to hers. She let out a surprised gasp, backing up a few inches from the force of it — then grabbed me by my shirt to steady herself, pulling me closer, and my mind buzzed, overcome with her scent and the warmth of her. Like I always suspected, she was the one to take control, one hand in my neck, the other trailing down to catch hold of my waist. I couldn't do anything but go with it, heart beating dangerously fast as she deepened the kiss — because holy shit, I was kissing Elizabeth, and she was kissing me, and oh, I got to tangle my hands in her hair, finally, the waves soft and thick and smelling divine. She tasted offensively sweet, like a cheap mixed drink, and I wondered what else she would taste like and if I was going to find out.

The thought was too much, and I had to break it off, breathing hard. Her beautiful dark eyes were wide open, and I could detect all the tiny flecks of gold in them, the spark in them almost blowing me away. "I think," I said, and it was more of a sigh than anything else, "I think that worked fine."

She chuckled, the sound making me tremble in her arms, and kissed me again.

Note September 4, 2021

Hi all! Know you're all waiting for an update. I'm sorry to disappoint you again. I decided to temporarily put the book on hold. I'm def gonna finish it at some point, I just don't know when. At the moment, I don't have any income so I'm looking for a job, which is stressing me out to the point that all I do in my spare time is read fanfiction and eat chocolate. I hate that I'm disappointing you again and again but the thought of that isn't doing me much good anyway. I think this is the way I'm going to do this: I will slowly write the rest of the chapters whenever I feel okay, and then when I have them all written, I'll update twice a week. That way, I don't have to feel bad about missing an update again. I hope that's okay with you. See you all when it's time!