1. You can't seem to understand that you can't have things your way.

"You're coming with me."

"For fuck's sake, Jade -"

"And I'm not asking you to this time."

I blew out a frustrated breath and groaned afterwards. You're starting to become really stubborn. And at first, I find it endearing. Because nobody can change your mind and I love it because you're so adamant about what you want. But it was times like this I wished that you'd just ... lose.

"My best friend needs me."

"Your girlfriend needs you more."

I gritted my teeth in annoyance. "She. Needs. Me."

My stern voice didn't deter you as you say back, "I. Need. You. More. I'm getting promoted - the one thing I've been working hard on for months - and you wanna hang out with her?"

"Ted cheated on her!"

"Everybody goes through heartbreak, Pez!" you say with so much force, and I'm trying my best not to walk out on you.

No matter how angry I get with you, I can never abandon you.

I love you that much.

I frustratingly rubbed my face with the palm of my hands, as if this would justify how much this situation is wearing me out. I'm really exhausted, Jade. This is too much. You're too much.

"She needs me, Jade. Please. Can't you understand that? I mean, she's been with me when Zayn and I broke up -"

"Stop bringing Zayn up!" You blew up all of a sudden.

Then you left me in the cold room alone. Without any good bye. Without a kiss. Without a sign that you'll come back soon.

I forgot for a while that you hate rehashing the past, especially when it comes to my ex. You get jealous easily - to the point that just at the mention of the name of my past lover, you'd suddenly become all upset all because of the simple reason that I suddenly remembered him.

I guess I desperately needed you to understand where I'm coming from just for you to look at this at a different perspective. But if I were to be completely honest, I kinda hated you for a moment that I figured bringing Zayn up would rile you up.

Is this what a relatonship is like? Loving and hating each other simultaneously?

xxx

2. You're too manipulative. And I guess I'm a sucker for manipulative.

"Seriously, Jade?"

"You know that I can never turn her down lest I get fucking fired!" You tried to reason out, or at least that's what my hard-headed mind tells me to think.

Perhaps you were telling the truth. But I don't want to believe you.

I shake my head. "Exactly what is your relationship with her?"

You sighed out heavily - a habit I have come to pick up on when you become irritated. "She's my boss, Perrie. She's - do I have to introduce her to you so you can finally believe me?"

"Forget it." I stormed off towards the kitchen, intending to swallow down my emotions with a bottle of wine.

I was on my third glass when I hear you walk in. You're wearing that expression - that expression. And I have never felt so indignant. Because you can bring me to my fucking knees.

You sat down on the stool in front of me, and brought your hand on top of my own. And that's when I finally put my glass down on the countertop, waiting for you to speak up.

"There's really nothing going on." You say to me. "I love you, Pez, okay? I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll skip work, okay? Don't be mad. I'm right here. Don't be -"

You choked up. A tear had managed to escape from your eye. And I bit my lip, as if it would somehow stave off the urge of wanting to wipe it off. You're begging - and I hate you for it.

You know how to get through me, Jade, and you fucking took advantage of it.

I fucking hate you for it.

But I love you more.

So I let it go.

xxx

3. For a woman who can stand up on her own, I was so dependent on you.

I was so excited to talk to you. Because I missed you so much. It has been a week since our last FaceTime session. It was almost as if my world revolves around you. It's like I can never survive a day without talking to you. So when you greeted me with bad news, I swore I could hear my heart breaking.

"Hey," you greeted. "I have a meeting in a few minutes. I'm sorry but we have to be quick."

Your voice was laced with melancholy and regret, and I despise the tone.

"But ... it's a Saturday." I could almost feel tears threatening to fall down. "You don't work on Saturdays ..."

"Sam needed me there -"

"She's your boss, right? She's the one who wanted to take you away?"

You cocked your head to side, softly heaved a sigh, before speaking up, "Pez, please don't do this again. I didn't get to help her last time, remember? I skipped work just to be with you. Let this go."

"Fine," I relented. "There's nothing I can do about it anyway."

"Pez," you hesitated, wanting to say something. But you shake her head, wear that expression on your face that conveys faux happiness and say, "How is your day?"

A part of me wanted to log out of FaceTime and just have you suffer with my silence for the rest of the day. But I badly wanted to talk to you; I badly missed you.

So I tell you about my day, pretending as if nothing happened awhile ago and we were just normal.

xxx

4. We seek comfort from other people, instead of each other.

I slammed the shot glass back down on the table. I'm feeling a lot drunk right now but I don't care. I needed to forget whatever happened today. I needed to forget about you for a moment.

Liam didn't talk for a while, and I looked at him, only to catch him scrutinizing me.

"Stop looking at me like that."

Liam looked at me, still flummoxed. "It's just ... weird."

"What's weird?" I huffed out, pouring myself another shot.

"You coming to me for consolation," Liam sighed, and placed a hand on my back, rubbing it softly. "Like, seriously, whatever argument you had with Jade must have been so intense, huh?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, finding satisfaction over the gesture for some odd reason that I almost forgot about Liam's comment. Before I could find myself basking in this ... whatever Liam is making me feel with his back-rubs, I distract myself as I imbibe the contents of my shot glass.

"We've been arguing a lot, sure," I disclosed, pouring myself yet another drink, "But this ... this is insane."

"How insane?" he asked me.

I pursed my lips, looked ahead and muttered bitterly, "So insane that I considered getting away and just forget that she existed."

Liam sighed out, his back-rubbing had paused which made me a bit disappointed. "Whatever this is. It'll be all over. I can promise you that."

I turned to face him. "I'm just so tired, Li. I really am. Like - I love her. I really do love her. But I'm just ... ugh. Is this what you felt when we were together? Did you think we were toxic, too?"

"Now don't complicate the past, will ya?" Liam laughed. "We broke up simply because we were better of as friends."

"But how did we know that we were better of as friends?"

Liam chuckled, "Geez, Pez, if I didn't know better, I'd think that you're finding a reason to leave her."

When I didn't respond, Liam raised an eyebrow.

"Are you actually finding a reason to break up with her?" he asked, his expression transfigured into incredulity.

I hesitated for a moment. "No ..."

"Is it that insane?"

I shrugged and looked away. "I guess."

"Do you need couple therapy or something?"

I whipped my head quickly to glare at him. "We don't need couple therapy."

"Look, this isn't normal," Liam tells me, "I have a friend who -"

"I said, we don't need couple therapy," I snapped. Liam looked taken aback my outburst, so I calmly rpelied this time, "And even if we do, Jade doesn't believe in that kind of stuff. She believes that whatever problems we face, we can fix."

"But can you fix this?"

I shrugged again. "I don't know, okay? But I'd like to believe that we can."

"Then fix it." Liam fished for something in the pocket of his trench coat before producing his phone. "I'll call Jade —"

I widened my eyes in horror. "What? No!"

I reached for his phone but he was clutching it, and considering how strong he is, I'm genuinely having a hard time trying to confiscate it.

"Shh. She picked up — hello?" Liam paused for a few moments, then it was his eyes this time that widened in terror. "I-I'm sorry but who is this?"

After he let the person on the other line talk for a few seconds, Liam hung up the phone and looked at me with a pitiful expression — one I have grown accustomed to receive nowadays.

I heaved a sigh, already knowing who is at the other end of the line. "Is that Jed?"

Liam mutely nodded.

"Told you not to call her."

A crease formed in between his eyebrows in confusion. "Why is she with him? Isn't he her ex?"

"Aren't you my ex?" I fired back.

"Why are you acting like this is fair? Aren't you guys supposed to work this thing out? Instead of seeking comfort from others — especially from your own exes?"

I raked a hand through my blonde waves and rested them on my shoulder. "I guess we just ... gave up. Instead of working things out, we walk away instead, thinking that they'll magically work out on their own."

xxx

5. Breaking up is the first thing I think about when I'm with you.

"Let's break up," I tell you. The way I said it sounded so sudden, so I guess I can't blame you when you accidentally choked on your drink and looked at me with a questioning gaze as if asking me why I said it so casually.

"What?" you ask me, breathless.

"Let's break up," I repeated myself.

You were dangerously quiet. And for a moment, I actually considered taking it back because as much as I wanted to escape, Jade, if our relationship is the only thing keeping you alive, then I'm more than willing to prolong this even if I find it exhausting.

Then, you ask, "Are we really that toxic?"

Unreluctantly, I answered, "We really are."

"Do you still love me?"

"I do."

You pursed your lips into a small frown. "But are you tired of loving me?"

You're scrutinizing me; scanning my face completely. And from the doleful look on your face, I wanted to take it back. But I needed to say this because it's suffocating already.

Our relationship is too much.

I thought about that question for a moment. Then my mind wandered to the indelible memories we had together.

We made some good memories, Jade. But the bad ones outweigh the good ones. I couldn't even count in one hand how many times we had fought in a day. And just thinking about them suddenly makes me feel fatigued.

So forgive me if I say, "I am."