Author's note: aaaand another Jean oneshot! This one is canonverse. Please enjoy! Thanks for reading!!This is one is shorter in comparison to what I normally write, but fairly angsty. xoxo kthankbai

Word Count: 1979

***

The tension was palpable, so much so that you could probably slice it in half with your steel blades. The dismal soldiers that surrounded you were silent, spent, and disheveled. Your laden eyes wandered around the hall of headquarters of the Scouting Legion; there were far fewer of you now than those that set out this morning, and most were covered in their comrades' blood or their own. Save for the quiet sobs from some of soldiers lamenting the dead, all was eerily silent.

Those who perished in the failed crusade didn't come home. The image of their bodies pushed off the cart and into the wilderness to save your skins clouded your mind's eye and you involuntarily cringed.

Bile rose in your throat but you hastily swallowed it and continued to tend to your friends who were injured. You, thankfully, had escaped unscathed in the dishearteningly unsuccessful 57th expedition outside the walls. However, you hardly felt grateful for this, knowing how many others did not.

Surely this loss would further the negative outlook most had of the Survey Corps.

"Thank you, (your name)," said Armin, his voice barely above a whisper. You had been changing out his bandaging from the injury he incurred from the Female Titan.

You nodded absently, tossing aside the old, bloodied ones.

Armin, you, Jean, and Reiner had encountered the Female Titan very early on into the expedition. She was terrifying; she was more than a deviant. She was intelligent and quick, two things that made her all the more dangerous.

It was Jean's idea to confront the titan, believing that if you did, it could prevent other soldiers from being wiped out. You had made it clear at the time how insane that sounded but you cooperated with him, Reiner, and Armin nonetheless.

It had hardly mattered though; all four of you were overpowered easily and at one point, you thought you had lost Reiner in the process. Even after the confrontation, it appeared hopeless. In the chaos, you and Jean both lost your horses and if it wasn't for Krista appearing with a spare, two of you would have been left behind.

You shook your head, pushing the images out of your mind. You were drained as your eyes searched the hall again.

"Hey, Armin," you said as you stood up. "Have you seen Jean?"

Armin glanced at the soldiers around him and frowned. "No, not since we came in."

You matched your friend's expression. "Yeah, I thought so."

The blonde put a hand on your arm gently and attempted to give you an encouraging smile. "You should go find him," he said. "I think he needs someone."

You agreed and took your leave. Wandering through the wounded, you inquired to your other friends if they had seen Jean around. None of them were helpful, as only two of them made vague reference as to where they thought they had last seen him. So you hurried on, heading towards the barracks to see if he had retreated there to isolate himself. Your boots reverberated off the inner corridors' walls, doing nothing to ease your agitation.

There was no sign of Jean in the barracks. You knew he wasn't tending to the horses outside, as that duty had been bestowed upon others, but you truly had no idea where Jean could be hiding.

With a sigh, you sat down heavily on a bed and ran your hands through your hair. Now that you were alone, you felt the panic and anguish begin to rise from the depths of your heart. Your eyes burned with the onset of tears. Everyone has lost someone already...you had lost people already and you only just graduated from trainee.

The tears were relentless, like a dam within your soul had burst. You tried to stop yourself from sobbing but it was useless; attempting to control your grief proved too difficult. You truly wanted to believe that humanity had a chance against the titans, now that you had Eren fighting against them as a titan himself. You were entrusting everything to him and yet you knew, Eren had no idea what he was doing. You didn't blame him, of course, but your life and the fate of humanity was within Eren's hands.

No, you thought through your muffled cries. I can't be weak like this. I have to be strong. I'm not allowed to cry anymore...I have to keep fighting, keep believing.

Wiping your tears from your cheeks with your sleeves, you stood up with renewed purpose. You hurried down through the halls again, hell-bent on finding Jean; he wasn't allowed to be alone. If he isolated himself, he would think too much and lose his morale.

You turned the corner and came up short at the sight.

There Jean was, sitting on the floor next to crates in the small storage nook. Even from this distance, you knew he had been crying.

"Jean," you called out. He didn't lift his eyes to you and continued to stare into the expanse before him.

You approached him slowly. Once you were in front of him, you squat down and searched his eyes with your own. They were so empty.

With hesitation, you reached out to cup his cheek. At your touch, he drew in his brows and leaned into your hand for comfort. "Jean..."

"What are we fighting for, (your name)?" he whispered, finally focusing on you. You bit your lip, attempting to find the right words. In truth, you wished you could be honest with him and tell him that you weren't sure but you knew that wouldn't be beneficial for him to hear.

"For a better tomorrow, for humanity's future," you said finally, though you weren't even sure if you believed your own words. "And...for Marco."

At the mention of his best friend, Jean's eyes welled up with tears and his expression turned bitter. With a derisive scoff, he slapped your hand away and you did your best to brush it off.

"Yeah?" he spat, tears streaking his cheeks while giving you a fierce glare. "Marco's dead, (your name)! Let's be honest here...he doesn't give a shit what we're doing because he's gone!"

Your heart ached at his harsh words and you averted your gaze away from his. You knew he was verbally throwing up on you, that he was frustrated and scared as much as you were, but you couldn't help but push through the stinging at the rim of your eyes. There was nothing anyone could say that would make the pain end for the loss of Marco.

"It doesn't matter," you replied, unable to contain the acidity in your voice. "Everything you and I are doing is in his memory. We promised him that, Jean. He would want us to keep going, to keep fighting!"

The words barely registered within Jean as his visage only appeared to grow more frantic.

"Dammit, why didn't you just join the MP like I told you? You could have! I begged you!" His fists were clenching, a desperation in his eyes that you had never seen before. "At least you would have been safe there!"

"You know I never wanted a part of the MP. Ever. And I couldn't just leave you-"

"It's only a matter of time before I'm going to lose you too," cut in Jean, his tears only pouring faster. Your eyes widened at his candor. "Isn't that how it works? Lose everyone you care about?"

He laughed scornfully at himself.

"That's the reality of the Survey Corps. I can't expect you to be by my side forever. You're going to die...in the worst way possible. I can't protect you, no matter what I do," he continued through gritted teeth. "Even Captain Levi can't protect everyone, and he's humanity's strongest soldier. His squad was wiped out! So how can I even begin to think that I'm going to keep you safe?"

He began to weep into his hands.

"I can't do it again..." he cried. "I can't watch you get killed. I can't lose anyone else."

You were at a loss for words and you finally let your tears fall once more. You had thought he was still in mourning over Marco, and he was deep down, but the reasons for his sobbing were entirely different now.

Jean was scared.

He had every right to be too. No one wanted to die at the hands of those vicious creatures, to wind up alone...but Jean was far more afraid of the thought of losing you than anything else.

The only thing you could do was embrace him, to let him cry into your shoulder. Even Jean needed his moment to be weak...to mourn...to let go. You had to be strong for him right now, even though you knew he was right.

No one could guarantee safeguard of another soldier's life. Not in the Corps. No one had any idea when their last breath would be and if their passing was swift or agonizing.

"I love you..." you whispered, feeling his tightening grip on the back of your jacket. "Jean, I love you."

You wondered how many more tears you would continue to shed, or if over time, you will lose your ability to feel anything at all. You promised yourself never to forget anything; you truly hoped you would never go numb because to you, that was worse than death itself.

To feel this pain was to be alive. To feel this fear was to live.

"I can't promise you tomorrow." Your voice was soft to ease his crying. "I can't promise you that I won't be gone one day, and you can't promise me that either. No one can..."

You paused as Jean pulled back to look at you. With a gentle smile, you wiped away his remaining tears with your fingertips.

"I can't promise you anything but today, the present...because I can't promise you a future," you said. "All I can promise you that I'm with you right now. That I'm at your side, right now. That every breath I have left in me is for Marco...for our friends...for humanity...for you."

Courage and strength were all you could lend Jean right now. You knew your time would come when he would be your pillar, your rock when you were at your emotional end. Your love for him would not save you outside the walls, and you knew that. But at least, for now, you could let him lean on you in his times of weakness.

Jean averted his gaze to the wall beside him. Several emotions stirred in his heart at your words and he attempted to process them.

"And even if I'm gone," you continued, "I'll be right here, just like Marco is."

He felt you put a hand over his heart. After a moment, Jean reached over to cup both your cheeks with his palms and use his thumbs to clean your tears away. He kissed your lips tenderly, his skin lingering on yours before he pulled away. Leaning his forehead against yours, you both listened to other breathe in the silence.

You closed your eyes with your hand still at his chest. The beating of his heart was comforting.

"...(your name), I love you," Jean whispered. "And like you can't promise me anything, you know I can't either. But I promise you...that right now, I love you. And it's enough for me...it's enough."

There was no need to open your eyes because you already knew that both of you shared a smile.