Neil Francis Juariz

"Francis, am I bad ba? Kaya ba namatay ang mommy ko kasi gusto ko rin ang boy?" I looked at the small kid in front of me. Something feels different. The scene in front of me was too familiar. 

How could I not remember this small, angelic face? It caused me so much trouble and crisis. That face made me question a lot of things at a young age.

Thinking of someone else when I couldn't even care for myself may sound like a joke. But I don't care about what other people would think of that.

I want to protect him but I was powerless.

"Your mom died because someone was recklessly driving. It has nothing to do with you. You're a victim too, Mason."

I want to tease him and see his annoyed face. I'd rather see him mad than see him cry like this. He was always bright and smiles like sunshine. He was an innocent fairy in my world filled with darkness and unrealistic expectations.

I don't want to see him cry like this. I don't want to see him as hurt as this. I don't want him to blame himself for something he has no control over.

I want him to be proud of himself always. I want to take him far from the dirtiest mud in the world. I want to shield him from all those impurities. But I couldn't do it.

I had nothing. I was nothing. 

"Ma, why can't I see Mason?" The world warped around me and I was taken back to my mom's room.

"Sabi ng dad niya pinadala daw niya si Mason sa labas ng bansa para doon mag-aral. Are you sad ba, anak?"

Sad? I was sure I was not sad before. I was devastated. I feel panicked. I hate the feeling of losing control and not knowing what to do.

"Where is he, ma? Can I visit him there?" Hindi ako nakaramdam ng takot na mawalay sa mga magulang ko, pero alam ko sa sarili kong natatakot akong mawala ang batang 'yon.

"I'm sorry, anak, hindi sinabi ng dad niya kung nasaan siya."

"Maybe we can try asking him again, ma?" Ang pagpupumilit ko pa.

"Anak, let's leave them alone muna ha? They're grieving their lost. Hayaan na muna natin sila. I know Mason's dad will tell us where your friend is kapag okay na sila."

I waited for that to happen. I waited and waited. Ilang taon ang hinintay ko pero ni isang balita wala akong narinig tungkol sa kanya. I heard different rumors about him. Some say he died from depression, some says he changed his name, some says he got into an accident, and all sort of things that made his chance of coming back to me almost none.

At a young age, I learned how to be an adult. I grow up as fast as I can almost pushing myself to the edge. I invented things hoping they'll help me find him. I learned how to do business because I learned that money can make the world smaller. With money, I'll have connections, I'll have power, I'll have people, I'll have the means to bring him back to me.

My body remained but the things around me began to melt. Napalinga-linga ako sa paligid hanggang nag-iba ulit ang anyo nito.

And there I saw my little Mason with slashes all over his body. His feet was battered to pulp as it rests above a pool of blood. Putok ang mga labi niya at may malaking pasa ang kalahati ng mukha niya. Para akong tinakasan ng dugo sa nakikita ko.

"Francis, ayoko na. Tired na ako. Sorry," ang iyak niya habang nakayakap ng mahigpit sa kaniyang tiyan.

Gusto kong tumakbo papalapit sa kanya pero ayaw gumalaw ng gumalaw ng katawan. Gusto kong sumigaw para pigilan siya pero walang lumalabas na boses sa bibig ko.

He melted again. He became one with the blood and then I saw Tyga's body emerge from there hugging our baby.

I'm sure that's our baby pero bakit sila naliligo ng dugo?

"Papa!" I saw Frank ran out of nowhere then hugged Tyga's lifeless body. Lumingon siya sa akin at para akong masusuka nang makitang wala na siyang mata. Blood fell out of his eyes like waterfalls.

"Daddy, help! help! help! help!"

Hindi ako makahinga. I felt like dying. I tried to exhale some air but it got cut off. Then everything turned pitch black.

And I woke up. 

I woke up from a very bad dream. 

Kaagad kong nilingon ang asawa ko sa tabi. He's here. Hindi niya ako iiwan. Di ba?

Pero bakit wala siya sa tabi ko? Nilibot ko ang paningin sa buong kwarto para hanapin siya pero ni anino hindi ko makita. I walked towards the bathroom but he was not there either.

Every destination I could think of in this house my steps becomes faster. I don't care if it woke people up. I want to see my husband.

"Tyga, c'mon, ga!" Ang pagod kong sigaw sa hallway ng bahay nang hindi ko siya makita.

"Daddy?" Napatigil ako nang marinig ang maliit na boses ng anak namin. He came out from his room with his blinkie on his hand.

He walked towards me and hugged my thigh. "Daddy, where's papa? I had a bad dream about papa. The monster took papa away."

I lift him up from the floor and hugged him closer to my body. "I'll protect your papa, babe. Don't worry."

I walked to his room and placed him back to the bed. Kinuha ko iyong malaking teddy bear na may mukha ni Tyga at pinayakap iyon sa kanya. Franco couldn't sleep on his own bedroom kaya ito ang naisip na solusyon ng asawa ko. He sprayed some of his perfume over it para maging kaamoy niya rin ito.

Pagkalabas ko ng kwarto agad akong sinalubong ng mga tauhan ko. "Find my husband. Deploy all the men that we have. I will contact my brothers' men para tumulong. Sigurado akong hindi pa siya gaanong nakakalayo."

"Yes, sir."

I ran up to the control room to check for the security camera. Pero ganoon na lang ang pagkadismaya ko nang wala akong makuhang footage na makakatulong sa akin. The camera went off after the both us went to bed.

But how did it happen? I'm the only one who can control these cameras.

Did he messed up with my system? Did he plan his way out? Tangina ganon nalang ba niya kami kadaling iwanan?

Pagod akong naupo at napahawak sa singsing ko. "Damn you, Mason. Damn you, Tyga. Damn the both of you! Tangina ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin para mapanatili kita?"

I stopped when I realize something. Bumaba ako sa control room at tumakbo papunta sa opisina ko. I remembered placing a tracker on his wedding ring.

It'll tell me if he's still alive or not. If the latest features works maybe it can also tell me where he's currently in right now.

And it fckng did!

"Day Sun Hotel," ang pagbasa ko sa nakasulat doon.

I hurriedly run out of the office while commanding my men through the radio. You can't get away from me, Tyga.

Kung kailangan kitang ikulong para hindi ka na lumayo gagawin ko.

Halos paliparin ko na ang sasakyan patungo sa lokasyon ng asawa ko. Nakasunod naman sa akin ang mga tauhan ko. Mababaliw ako kakaisip kung mahuhuli ba ako o ano.

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang makitang may lumabas na sasakyan sa abandonadong building ng Day Sun Hotel. I looked at my phone and saw Tyga's tracker move.

Mas lalo kong binilasan ang pagpapatakbo. Wala na akong pakialam kung mamamatay ako sa pagsunod sa kanya. Hindi siya pwedeng bumalik sa buhay na 'yon!

"Fck you!" Hindi ko mapigilang mapura nang tila nakipagkarerahan sa akin ang itim na sasakyan.

The car stopped in the middle of an old bridge when two of my men's car managed to block it from passing. Alam kong nandoon siya sa loob ng sasakyang iyon. Now, all I need is to get him out of there. Even if I have to force him, I'd gladly do it.

Nagmamadali kong ipinarada sa tabi ang sasakyan ko at pabalibag na binuksan ang pintuan ng sasakyan. I run towards his car as fast as I can and slammed my fist on the shotgun window. "PTNGNA, MONDEJAR, LUMABAS KA DIYAN!" 

I continued to slam my fist against the window, pleading him to come out. Hindi ko alam kung naririnig niya ba ako. I feel like going crazy as each minute passed by. Tngna, ganoon na lang ba 'yon? Wala na ba akong halaga sa kanya? Madali lang ba sa kaniya bitawan lahat ng pangako namin? And what about our child? Ptngna, nagdadalang tao siya. 

Napatigil ako ng bumaba ang bintana ng sasakyan. 

And there I saw him, looking nothing like my husband. This man isn't the same man who smiled at me like I was funniest man on earth even if I'm obviously damn angry at him. This was not my husband who would shyly steal kisses from me because he was too shy to ask for it. This was not my bubbly Tyga. 

"Ga," ang pagod kong tawag sa kanya. "Kanina pa naghahanap ang anak natin sa bahay. C'mon, let's go home. We'll fix this. Please." 

"Hindi ko siya anak kaya tigilan mo na ako. Itabi mo iyang mga sasakyan at umuwi ka na." The coldness in his voice made my heart ache even more. Ptngna, anong nangyayari?! Gusto kong magwala.  

Umiling ako. I tried to reach for his hand but he slapped it away. Gulat man ay hindi ko na iyon pinansin. I know he's lying. He doesn't mean what he said. Alam ko 'yon. Ramdam ko 'yon. "I know you're lying, babe, come on. Come out. Umuwi na tayo. You're pregnant, Tyga, you need to rest." 

Umiling siya at mapaklang natawa saka sinalubong ang tingin ko. Tuluyan nang tumulo ang mga luha ko nang makita ang walang kabuhay-buhay niyang mga mata. They were no longer shining. They looked empty, soulless, and dull. 

"Hindi ba't sinabi ko na sa iyo na ayaw ko sa batang ito? At ito?" Kaagad na tumigil ang mundo ko nang tanggalin niya ang singsing namin. "Wala na 'tong silbi, Francis. Hindi kita mahal. Ginamit lang kita para makatakas sa mata ng mga taong humahabol sa akin. Kaya 'wag ka namang masyadong uto-uto. Hindi na ako ang batang kilala mo noon. Kalimu—"

"SHUT THE FCK UP, TYGA! SHUT THE FUCKING UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE OF YOUR FCKNG LIES," ang pagputol ko sa sasabihin niya. I hate hearing more of his lies. Not when I saw how his expression slowly change the more he speaks. 

Umiling siya at marahas na pinunasan ang mga luhang kumawala sa mga mata niya. "Tigil na please. Tumigil na tayo, Francis. Tanggapin na natin na imposible ito. Hindi ako normal! Hindi kita deserve. Hindi ko kayo deserve ni Frank. Hindi ko deserve ang batang ito. Hindi ko deserve lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. May misyon ako. Kailangan ko 'yong tapusin. Baka... baka sa susunod na buhay pwede na. Baka pwede na doon, Francis, pero hindi pwede ngayon. Pasensya ka na." 

Mapakla akong natawa at umiling-iling. "After waiting for you for how many fucking years you think I'd let you go that easily huh, Mondejar? Sa tingin mo ba, hahayaan lang kitang makawala sa akin ng ganun-ganon na lang? Don't underestimate me, ga."

I met his eyes once again with a dangerous glint. This is not just love. I know I'm obsessed with him. And I will make him stay by hook or by crook. 

"Sir, may paparating hong mga sasakyan." 

Nakita ko ang paglingon ni Tyga sa bintana sa driver's seat kung saan naroroon ang kasama niyang tahimik lang na nakikinig sa amin. I don't what he's planning. Kasabwat ba nila ang mga sasakyang paparating. 

"They found us, Mondejar," the guy announced and looked at me. "Can you handle a bloody battle?" 

I looked down on my husband and saw him shaking his head. "Please, Francis, umalis ka na. Wag ka ng makisali, please lang. Hayaan mo na ako dito!"

I cupped both of his cheeks and looked at him directly on his eyes. "You are the reason why I sat at the top, ga. I made myself stronger so I can have you back and protect you. You don't know what I went through and how far I've come. Kaya hayaan mo akong protekahan ka. Watch me how I make people's lives a living hell."