A/n: The more I Edit this book the more feral I get. Hope y'all are having a better time than me-

My steps were careful and my breath was quiet, despite my raging heartbeat and curled fists. My face was twisted with rage that was only barely undoing but I still moved with precision and care. On an island ruled by a psychotic teenage boy with the worst intentions, one couldn't be too careful. According to Hook it didn't matter how hard I tried, Pan knew everything. But still. It made me feel better in the very least, now that I was on my own.

Now, it probably wasn't my best idea to be in this current precarious situation, but what was one to do when they got into an argument with their mom?

Of course rows between mother and child is not a new concept, but the fact that said mother was Regina Mills? It was more than a snappy comment or a heated exchange; it was a war. Every time we clashed it was her burning hate, roiling and blinding and consuming, and my ice cold sting, solid and slashing and destructive and unforgiving. She had never been easy to get along with, but after she met me not even Emma's solidness or Snow's empathy or Henry's level head could break us up.

Regina and I hadn't always been like this. Once she had forgotten me entirely. After her and the King had gotten too comfortable and I had been born, Regina had almost crossed the line. In a desperate attempt to keep Regina from veering off of the path Cora had so carefully crafted, the mother to the new queen erased me from Regina's memories. From everyone's memories. I had been handed off to an orphanage and that had been the end of it. A life of feeling unwanted and displaced was nothing to the agony I felt now.

This complicated web of familial connections had gotten even worse when Regina's curse had been broken. With that curse came the curse over everyone as well - the one that had erased me from their minds. They remembered that I existed, but it was Henry who had always known who I was. In Storybrooke, I had just been a runaway emancipated from parents I didn't talk to or deal with. Parents who didn't actually exist in this cursed world - who moved on just fine without me. I worked at the diner and had been comfortable in my standing in the town.

Henry had been insistent that our friendship continued, even when I was five years older than him. It hadn't made sense back then. I mean, I was the only one that wasn't scared enough of Mayor Mills to shy away from being friends with Henry, and on top of that the only one who would listen to his theories about the storybook he'd been given - even if we both knew I didn't believe him. Now that we all knew who we really were though, it made a lot of sense. Suddenly Henry and I weren't just friends - we were siblings. And... also his mom was my niece? And he was my great nephew?

I don't know I tried not to think about it.

The point was that things had taken a hard right for the worst now that we were trying to be a family. The Charmings and the Evil Queen had never been able to work together, and throwing Emma into the mix made it all the worse. But now here I was - the living reminder of all the reasons they hated each other - and it was the disgusting cherry on top of the world's worst ice cream sundae. As if we didn't have enough issues...

But Henry insisted, and for him I would have done anything. So despite everything, I was in Neverland looking for my little brother and trying to make this stupid family work and trying to ignore the cold shoulders and pointed looks and biting comments and awkward disconnects. No matter how much time we spent together, Regina and Snow couldn't see me as anything other than the child of the Evil Queen and the King she had killed. The King Regina had ended up with instead of her actual true love. The King that had been Snow White's father, lost to her after she lost her mother and right before she almost love her kingdom too.

So yeah.

I was in the jungle by myself.

Anger gave way to exhaustion, one so much deeper and heavier than any physical tiring I could feel from trekking around all day. I finally sat down, elbows on knees and face falling in my hands. I didn't know where I was and after the confrontation that had ended in me declaring we'd all be better off if I just wasn't around, I doubted they had waited for me. If they hadn't come after me, they definitely hadn't veered off of their path. They might worry, and perhaps Emma had talked them into making camp early so I would know where they were once I cooled off, but it wouldn't be much more than that.

As I sat, I couldn't help but think that if it had been anyone else, it would have been different. Emma tried weakly to defend me, but Hook was too busy trying to appeal to Emma and David had exhausted himself trying to talk sense into his wife time and time again - he had stopped trying. I wasn't family to him, I was just Regina's unwanted kid. I think Emma only even tried because she saw so much of herself in me. And I mattered to Henry, which means that by extension I was important. Maybe she saw me as her kid in some ways too. We had done a lot together, and Henry insistently referred to me as his sister...

I doubted it though. That was probably just wishful thinking.

My eyes closed and that terrible feeling twisted up in my stomach, sliding into my chest. It began to squeeze my ribs. A feeling that was like boiling ink or maybe oil. One that was starting to become familiar.

It had started the first time I had realized why Regina and Snow gave me the looks they always did. The ones that were a mix of disgust and shame. No matter how hard they tried, it never went away, and years of wondering what my family was like and why they had left me behind and wondering if maybe they'd regretted it... I used to stay awake at night picturing them. Wondering what they sounded and acted like. Wondering if they missed me. Now I just -

I wish we'd never met.

Realizing that had only happened when Emma had admitted she was an orphan. She always turned to me when she felt especially lost, so I had been there talking to her even as Snow tried to pretend I wasn't. And when she said those words, she reached out and she took my hand. She apologized to Snow - to her mother - but she never had to apologize to me. If anything, it was almost a moment of solidarity. She wasn't just an orphan, we both were.

That was as close as I'd gotten to feeling like an actual part of this family, and we had been bonding over how we didn't actually feel like part of this family. But she was, and one day she would be even more so. They'd figure it out, I knew that. They always did. Which made me feel even more separate from them.

Emptiness was a familiar element of my life. Bare walls of a rarely used room. Living out of suitcases, surrounded by unused drawers. An empty stomach the same as the empty hands that craved something to hold. The emptiness in my very soul, and the aches that followed the yearning for something to fill it.

Emma was right - this place really reminded you how alone you were, even if it was just a feeling and not actuality. Emma wasn't really alone. But I was, and that made me feel even worse. Like an extra layer, a deeper cut. This island didn't just make me ache, it made me burn. As ice was my specialty, you can imagine how badly I would do over an open flame.

A tear fell from my eye and I scoffed in annoyance, wiping it away immediately with a frustration that came from not anger but the deepest of sorrows. Knowing you were unwanted and there could possibly be no cure for the sicknesses in your life was a worse pain than I had ever experienced in the years of not knowing. Even me, who didn't cry, was a mess under such a weight.

Someone cleared their throat and I hid my face, trying to pull myself together. I genuinely hadn't expected anyone to come after me. Knowing I wasn't alone was a mix of panic at being found breaking down, and an immense relief. I turned around as I tried to laugh away my heavy emotions, expecting to see Emma or maybe Hook or David.

There stood Pan instead, of all people. The wave of further rejection I felt at knowing that they hadn't come for me after all was too much. A stranger, my enemy even, stood before me at my weakest and most vulnerable, his eyes finding mine and his face devoid of his usual smugness or mocking. In his expression I instead saw something like pity, but too aligned with understanding to make me squirm away. There was almost a comforting way about him in this moment, which was bizarre to say the least.

It was understanding, I realized. I didn't know how to feel about that. What to do with it.

"Why hello," he greeted, and his voice was careful and gentle.

To say I didn't know how to handle this side of Pan was an understatement. I had been told he was so like a demon - maybe even more demon than anything else. But now he looked at me, and I nearly had the urge to run into his arms and completely break down. "Hello," was all I had to offer in return. It was quiet for a long time before I sighed, my shoulders slouching under the weight of my attempts to comfort myself. "What do you want?"

He considered for a moment. "You," he finally answered. I rose an annoyed eyebrow and he seemed to ease, much more familiar with my attitude than he was with my tears. "You have this wanting." He seemed to struggle for words, always careful with how he phrased things. "You're missing something."

My eyes narrowed. "And why does that matter to you?"

He shrugged, leaning against a tree. "I seek out the lost and the lonely. It's sort of my thing." That made him let out on breathy chuckle, almost like an amused huff of air had escaped him. "When people are searching for that place that we call home; those people we call family. I understand those people. People who want freedoms and fun. Who want community, unity. Who want to belong to something. They're some of the most fun people I've ever met, and they only get better once they come to Neverland. Unburdened by the loneliness they felt wherever else they were, they find there's so much more to life than whatever they were missing, and they find home here. With me..." he paused and something heated in my stomach. "And the other Lost Boys." His tone didn't change, as if the pause didn't happen, but it absolutely had and it left a strange implication.

Watching him carefully, I tried for a response. "And what, you want me to be a Lost Boy?"

"You could be if you wanted." Pan's fingers danced around each other as he spoke, enunciating his points with the smallest movement. "Henry talks about you so often. He's finding friends and is finally able to act his age, but he worries about you so much. So I've been keeping an eye on you for him." He sucked in a breath and I thought about all he must have seen to finally get to such a place that he was confident he knew what I was wanting for.

There was a long silence as we just looked at each other. There was an unspoken offer in his gaze, and I understood him perfectly. At even the prospect of such an idea, I felt that warmth from before grow even more. Family, home. Those had always just been words to me. Things I didn't know, and what eventually became things I would just never have. Pan had done nothing but cause issues and dealt pain. He had messed with Emma's heart in so many ways, and now David would either be stuck on the island or die because of his Dreamshade arrows. But...

There was no lie in Pan's eyes as he silently swore to me that what I sought, what I had been seeking my entire life, could be found in his camp. He offered a boon and something unhesitantly reached to take it even as the rest of me screamed to have sense and not let this stupid boy get in my head like he was best at.

I managed only one thought in that chaos suddenly inside me. "I'll see Henry again?"

Pan nodded. "You won't have to travel with them anymore." He didn't have to say who. "You will be able to watch him and be safe. I know he already knows you are all coming for him. You won't be able to leave - if you do then you'll get lost. But you'll be together."

I took a shaky breath, steeling myself. "Why?"

"Whatever do you mean?" He tilted his head, watching me with all-seeing, careful eyes.

"Why reach out to me? Why help me? You're putting your whole thing in jeopardy by giving someone to Henry that could talk him out of it all, remind him of home and his family. Won't I ruin your whole plan?"

Finally Pan smiled, but it wasn't warm or kind like the smiles I had once seen. It was almost mocking, as if he was about to say something that was very obvious. Something I should have easily known. "You're not apart of that family, and you know it as well as I do. But you are apart of Henry, and he is apart of you. He found stability in you - the first person he didn't have to navigate or fight. And in him you found a piece of what you've always been looking for. You found love and acceptance. On Neverland you can both be free of the complications and hardship that real life and your especially complicated family throws you through time and time again. I don't think you'll ruin my plan." His smile turned more amused. "I think you'll both be much happier on Neverland, and I think you'll prove my point to each other better than I could ever explain."

So I could go to Henry, but risk helping Pan in whatever twisted scheme he was hatching...

Eyes narrowed and body tense, I looked hun directly in the eye. "Take me to Henry." Pan smirked, his hand reaching out to me. I stretched mine out too, thinking he was going to take it at first. But then I faltered as his palm rested against my cheek. He smirk widened when I didn't move away, but I didn't have much time to read into it before smoke engulfed us, and suddenly we were in a camp with boys moving about here and there. Pan's camp.

"Y/N!" I turned just to have a familiar, smaller body ram into me. Henry buried his face in my chest and despite myself, tears immediately sprung to my eyes. He held onto me, soaking me in, but when my hands landed on him, they tangled in his shirt with an iron grip. I was so relieved that I began shaking. He looked up at me, worry on his face. "What happened?"

Something in me broke. "Henry..." I swallowed, trying to not let my voice crack or shake more than it already had. "I-" what was I supposed to say? I'd finally lost hope of being a family? I had come to Pan's camp willingly? Would he hate me? Would he understand? Would he lose faith in me? "I'm here to be with you Hen."

His eyebrows came together. "What happened to our moms and the others?"

"They're fine," I answered and he relaxed. "It's been... it's been really bad though, Henry. Arguments all the time and we were all so worried and... you're okay." I had to wipe tears off myself face, taking deep breaths to steady myself. "I'm so glad you're okay."

Henry looked speechless. "Has it really been so bad without me?" I nodded and I could see his heart break just imagining what I've been through. "We're never going to be a family, are we?" I felt my own heart break then too. All he'd ever wanted was to bring all of us together, and now we were beyond broken. The two people he was depending on most weren't even trying. I didn't know what to say so for a moment, we just stood there.

Another boy I didn't know slowly approached. He had a cut on his cheek, and eyed both of us with a sort of hesitant interest. "You ARE family." He smiled a little, and as Henry and I looked at him, we also found our gazes drifting to all the boys in camp. They had all stopped, looking at us with a mix of awkwardness and understanding. They understood me perfectly and had no shame in it. They were truly alone, and had come together to make a family they couldn't find.

Despite myself, I smiled. "Henry, no matter what happens..." we looked back at each other and I gave him the most apologetic look. "I'm going to stay here. With the Lost Boys. They... understand me here. I'm sorry, if you hate me-"

Henry shook his head immediately. "I'd never hate you Y/n. I don't blame you for running away, they've been..." his expression darkened. "But it's okay. Because for now you'll have me and- and maybe we'll find some way to stick together."

He was immediately torn, and I found myself sighing. "Here's the thing Hen. Even if we did, on Neverland you stay young forever."'I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. "We play games every day, and are free from stupid adults or real life or-" I laughed, for the first time in ages, and my tears now were in relief. "One day you'll get old, you all will. And that suits you. But this life... it suits me. One day you'll die and I'll... still be here." I shook my head. "You don't have to worry about me Hen. You took care of me long enough - you've been taking care of all of us for long enough. Take care of yourself. Care about yourself for once."

Something happened in Henry's mind, something I couldn't place and he didn't vocalize. He just nodded. "Okay." We parted and I turned to Pan.

"So." I rubbed my face dry, chuckling a little. He watched me with something in his expression. Like Henry, I couldn't quite place it. They were both very guarded right now and I was too euphoric to push for it. I didn't want to be serious and emotional anymore. "I've heard a lot about your games. I think it's time I played a few."

-

The last few days had been amazing. I had abandoned my old clothes that weren't meant for life on the island. My hair messy and my eyes wild and my laughter uncontrolled for the first time in my entire life, I had found a real home. Henry said my unbridled joy had a weird affect on the camp. That I made things lighter and brighter. Easier to swallow. The boys smiled wider and chatted more. The camp was more alive than it had been before and the games felt a lot more fun when I was involved. Henry claimed there was usually an underlying danger to everything, but even Pan had seemed affected by my great mood.

It was like the boys had forgotten that the point of being young was to live, and had at some point started to act and think like adults. Like soldiers. Pan had become a tyrant, cruel and dangerous. But now his recklessness and hard edges had been softened by a comforting hand and a warm smile. By an enjoyment from actually having fun, instead of testing limits and pushing people around and hurting everyone. I danced even when Pan didn't play his pipe. I worked even when no one asked me to. I trained even when it was relaxing time. I was MADE for this life, and my genuine care and energy was contagious.

I didn't know if he was right or not. Henry had never been a liar, but he was one to be dramatic occasionally. I wondered if he hated Neverland so much simply because he saw it as a prison, and had only come to appreciate it now that he had the familiar face of someone he trusted by him to show him that it wasn't as bad as he thought.

It couldn't have just been me. The boys and I worked like a well oiled machine - all I had to do was fall into step. They loved my jokes and watched me dance and we cooked and hunted together and told stories that all of us were engaged in. It was effortless and immediate. They listened to me, took comfort in me, Sure. But that didn't mean that I was the reason things were so different.

Right?

I had pushed it out of my head. Pan left me out of altercations with Emma and the others, so I was free to simply live the life I had chosen. To learn about it, adjust to it. Henry watched me a lot, that odd expression always on his face. It was like he was thinking about something as he watched me. Something that set a war off in his head. If I ever asked about it he would shut me out, and the more I asked or even acted curious or worried, the more distant he would get. So I stopped asking.

One day Henry and Pan were headed out. It was something important, that's all they would say, but Pan pulled me aside before they were gone completely. "I need you to grab something for me," he said. "Henry and I are going to run an errand. Then he'll go back with his family to Storybrooke." When my face fell he frowned. "I'm sorry Y/n, he was really determined."

It made sense. All the looks now, the pulling away... he had been thinking about leaving. And I had known that Henry belonged with the others. We were meant to separate. It was okay. I just nodded, nonverbally brushing it aside. "What do you need?"

Pan seemed to ease at my eagerness. "Wendy's house. Do you remember where it is?" I'd only just met Wendy. All anyone would tell me was that she was sick. I'd been in the small group that had to go out and get her and bring her back to the camp. She was on a bed waiting for Henry and Pan to get back from whatever they were going to do. Because of that I had assumed that it was something to make her better. Henry's last act as a Lost Boy being one of heroism was so in character it just made sense.

"Yeah," I answered him.

That seemed to please him as well. "I need you to go there and find a book. A very special book. It's bound in green leather and has a flower on the spine. There's my pipe in the middle of the flower. You'll know it when you see it." I nodded, about to head out, but he caught my arm to stop me. Our eyes locked as he added in a very serious tone, "If you read it that's fine, but I don't want any of the other boys going near it. Stay in Wendy's house and read it there if you wish." I hesitated then nodded again and he let me go. I watched him turn to Henry and then the two of them walked into the woods. Henry gave me a smile. The last smile. I gave him one back. Then I turned away, toward Wendy's hut in the opposite direction.

It was a good enough goodbye.

I hadn't actually been into the hut last time I had come here. I had stayed at the bottom of the ladder as she had been helped down. Now being inside it, it was a lot homier than I had imagined. There was a bed that took up most of the room, with a bright curtain over the window and a little desk next to the bed. There was also a chest at the foot of the bed, and a worn rug underneath. Pan hadn't told me where to look, so I had no idea where to start. I figured though, the bedside table was as good as any.

The dresser had a door set underneath a drawer. The drawer held simple things. A hair brush, jewelry obviously made of things on the island. There was a very dry flower that had been pressed and covered in something - it looked kind of like a bookmark. There was also a knife, and a very small notebook that was purple and had Wendy's name on the cover. There was a feather and ink in there as well, but no green book with a flower and pipes.

The door opened to reveal folded clothes. There weren't many, but they were clean enough and tucked away comfortably. I ruffled through them but just found another set of proper clothes - pants and a shirt - a cloak, and a nightgown of some kind. No book.

My next instinct was to look in the bed. I pulled back the blankets and looked under the pillows, but no book. Under the bed yielded nothing neither - just a single box with what seemed to be memorabilia of some kind. What seemed to be the most precious in the box was a very old teddy bear's arm (just the arm), the brim of a top hat (just the brim) and a photograph. It was in black and white and very faded but was enough to make out Wendy with two adults and two younger boys. I didn't know what the picture was - maybe of her family? Perhaps she missed them. Maybe they had died and then she had come to Neverland... feeling like I was prying into the life of a girl I had barely met, I stopped snooping and focused more on general things. I looked for books.

I found it in the chest. It took me a while to sort through all the odds and ends inside. There were many herbs and pouches of things ground into dust. It reminded me of Tinkerbell's set up. Not magic, but herbs on the island that were easily accessible and could be used in moments of emergency - like crushed up poppies being able to put someone to sleep. Under all of that was an extra blanket and then two outfits that were obviously for boys. Boys who must have been younger than me. With those outfits - which seemed to be nighttime wear, and definitely not from Neverland - were also two outfits of the same size, but much more fitting for Neverland. Under THOSE was a satchel with the book inside of it.

It had been well hidden and in a very odd place. I stared at it, wondering very much what was inside. I looked from it to the room, at the mess I had made, and instantly felt guilty. Putting the book aside I put everything back where it had been, reordering everything. Then I picked the book up again. I had spent so much time in the hut that I felt that being here a little longer wouldn't be a problem. Pan knew where I was if he absolutely needed me. And he HAD encouraged me to read it...

I slid to the floor, crossing my legs and letting the leather covers rest on my legs as I opened it. The first page was a dedication -

To whoever it may concern: Welcome home.

It made my heart swell and a smile raise to my face.

Home... My home.

My hand rested on the dedication for a moment before turning the page and ending up on an index. I realized what the book was immediately: recipes. Not for food, but for mixtures. All of the herbs and such that were in the chest had been recorded in this book. Someone had done research - a lot of it. It was all here. How to put someone to sleep, how to charm someone, how to send secret messages on paper that only one person could see. It was amazing, and it went on for ages. As I continued to flip there was more. Illustrations to show instead of just explain, colored and everything.

By the time I'd gotten my fill of the book, the sun had completely gone down. I felt a little sheepish as I slipped the book back inside the satchel and left the hut, heading back to camp. Not even thirty seconds into the return, Pan's shadows appeared before me.

I had heard a lot more about the shadow than I had seen of it. But it spoke to me, urgent. "Pan needs you. He wanted to protect you from the truth, but you can't be any longer. Come with me." It offered me a hand and, heart racing, I took it. Suddenly I was being pulled through the air, high over Neverland and even to the edge and past. Water rushed underneath us for a moment as an island with a ginormous skull shaped rock formation on top came into view. The shadow took me directly through an eye and dropped me into the room right as everything seemed to be going absolutely wrong.

"We believe in you Henry."

"We love you."

"So much."

Neal, Emma, and Regina all stood in front of Henry who was next to Pan. The three adults had desperation and terror on their faces as they seemed to balance between staying in place and rocketing forward toward the two young boys. Pan was looking at Henry with a serious expression, one that spoke of trust and faith and urgency. Henry looked back with an answer on his face. One that didn't sit exactly well with me. It was almost... resigned.

"I love you guys too," the boy said to his three parents. "But I have to do this." And then my eyes were drawn to, for the first time, the heart in his hand. The heart that flowed with an almost golden light, like none I had ever seen before. It was astonishing. The heart disappeared a moment later though as he thrust it into Pan's chest.

And then collapsed.

Horror washed through me. My eyes went wide and I felt a surge of something flow through me. One second I was across the room and the very next I was right at Henry's side, skidding to him across the floor as I fell to my knees while still moving. I came to a stop at his body and grabbed his face.

"Y/n?" I recognized Pan's voice but it still sounded far away. Too far away for how close I knew he had to be.

I pulled Henry's head into my lap. I called his name, my ears ringing and hands pulling at me, but I never let go or gave in. I clung to him, desperately trying to wake him up. Until, that is, I felt something coil around me tightly, ripping me from Henry and rising me into the air. It was crushing, suffocating me, as I was lifted and turned to face a raging Regina.

"You," She seethed.

Barely able to breathe I sucked in air desperately, glaring right back at her. "Mother," I spat. The hate in her eyes awakened something inside of me. Something ugly and broken and pulsing. Something without eyes and sharp claws and bloody teeth - something hungry for more. Hungry for her.

"You helped Pan," Regina accused. "You filled Henry's head with stories of you staying here and having a family and being happy. He did this all for YOU."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded weakly, the words clawing out of my throat.

"Don't play dumb with me," Regina snarled. It was more Evil Queen her than I had ever seen up close. "Henry told us about all the dreams you have and how happy you are and how you're going to leave us. How you're staying here, and he knew that Neverland would die and you would have to come back with us. How miserable it would make you." She scoffed and I felt something inside of me burn at the aggressiveness of it - as if the sound had come from my own throat it was so brutal.

"I," I managed barely. "Don't." I blinked as the world began to get dark. "Know." My body began flailing and I fought as I realized she was choking me out. "What." She was killing me. "You're." I was dying. "Talking." My head grew dizzy and my eyes began to grow heavy. "About."

"REGINA STOP!" Emma's voice rang with authority, but she had to add, "What would Henry tell you right now?" Before Regina finally let me go. I fell hard to the ground, coughing and gasping desperately to get air back in my body. The world was still spinning though and hitting the ground only served to completely knock me unconscious.