Hello, quick trigger warning: depression and self harm

Anthony's Pov:

I set up the table with a few roses and candles, I was really trying. Here goes nothing I thought as I went to Jas' room and knocked on the door.

She opened it quickly and looked at me in confusion. She was wearing a sweater dress, it was cozy but also functional. She spent over 3 months teaching my fashion, so I would know.

"Jas," I started

"Yeah Ant" she questioned me

"Can you please come out here, I have something for you, I really hope you like it" I said while taking her hands in mine and leading her to the dining area of our apartment.

Her mouth was open when she saw the display, she turned back to me and pointed to it, "you did this" she choked on her words.

"Yeah...." I said shyly.

She quickly threw her arms around me and screamed about how much she loved it. I smiled and pulled out he chair for her then pushing it back in once she sat down.

I sat across from her and made a gesture to the lasagna on the table. "So, I made food, for us"

She laughed a bit at my nervousness as I spoke. She put her hand over mine and said to me softly...

"Its fine Ant, it really is perfect, just the fact that you thought about me"

This gave me a new wave of confidence. I got out of my seat and went to where hers was. I got down on one knee and said the one thing that could make or break our friendship.

"Jasmine, you've brought so much happiness to me in the past few years that I've been with you and we've always been there for each other. I wanted to ask you, if you would go out on a-a" I started to stutter, I just couldnt get the words out. Just say it Anthony, what is wrong with you, jeez, for this your gonna get it later, another 5, just for that, dont ignore me like last time, now say it you prick!!!

"Will you go out on a date with me" I finally blurted, "it doesn't have to be fancy, what about tomorrow right before rehearsal we can go get breakfast and some coffee from Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts" I started to rant about pointless shit.

"Ant" she said calmly cutting me off, she leaned down and kissed me, this one was different, much different, it was a polite way for telling me to shut up.

"So..." I said breaking the silence

"Must I answer again" Jasmine said.

"I think so," I smiled, "you really need to make sure the message is really clear for me-" she cut me off with another kiss.

And that's how our evening went, eating the whole lasagna, cuddling on the couch and we rewatched the old Disney channel shows, when it was good.

And then us falling asleep on the couch, me waking up carrying Jas to bed and then going to the bathroom to complete my nightly ritual.

I wasn't lying when  I said Jas gave me happiness, she really does, she has always been there, I dont take that for granted.

But there are always the little things that make me come back to this, to cutting myself, and it's been going on for a while now, once I figured out a few months ago my feelings for Jasmine.

She was an amazing person who I did not deserve, and even though she said yes to me for that date, I told myself. I made a promise, I would make 5 more marks for being a disappointment, for almost ruining things by being nervous. I'm an actor for christ sake why cant I handle my emotions.

That's when I realized I had made a cut way more deep and long than I intended to. And my entire wrist was filled with those lines.

My entire wrist was covered in blood, " shit" I cried as I looked around my bathroom for something to clean up my mess, I cant wake up Jas either.

Why am I like this?

Why do I have to be me?