Chapter 25:

Nagising ako nang may maramdaman akong kung anong kumakaluskos sa k'warto ko. Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko at nakitang mataas na ang sikat ng araw dahil nakabukas ang kurtina ng k'warto ko.

Tiningnan ko ang sarili ko at nakitang wala pa rin akong suot.

Naalala ko 'yung nangyari kagabi.

Si Ruby.

Inikot ko ang paningin ko at nakita ko si Ruby na may suot ng damit. Pinulot ko ang boxers na suot ko kagabi bago tumayo at lumapit sa kan'ya. I was about to kiss her and greet her a late good morning when I saw her swollen eyes, staring at me.

"Ruby—"

I was taken aback when I felt her hand slapped my face so fucking hard. Napatingin ako sa kan'ya dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung para saan. Did I do something wrong? Did I force her?

"Baby—"

Again, she slapped me with her left hand, this time.

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo," she said in her voice, full of agony. "Ang kapal ng mukha mo, Architect."

Napalunok ako nang muli kong marinig ang tono ng boses niyang 'yon.

"W-What the hell did I do wrong? Did I force you?" I asked because I couldn't really understand!

She scoffed. "You dared to have sex with me. I gave it all to you, willingly, voluntarily, because I loved you so much," her voice is full of resentment. "And you dared to ask me repeatedly who I was, when you've been repeatedly entering inside, breaking me."

Her tears fall nonstop. It was so quick to fall like her eyes are clouds and it is producing a water—like a rainfall.

"What?" I asked, confused.

And then I realized, it wasn't just my thoughts. I happened to ask her, not me. Sa halip na sarili ko ang tinatanong ko sa kung sino siya dahil muling nanumbalik sa akin ang pangyayaring 'yon, hindi ko nalamang nailabas ko pala 'yon sa bibig ko. Hindi ko napansin na naitanong ko 'yon sa kan'ya habang ginagawa namin ang bagay na 'yon sa unang pagkakataon.

"Nakakadiri. Diring-diri ako sa sarili ko ngayon," she scoffed as she wiped her tears violently. She glared at me again using her eyes, full of pain. "I regret loving you too much. I regret giving myself to you."

Napaawang ang bibig ko. Naramdaman ko ang kung anong sakit sa dibdib ko, na parang anytime, hindi ko na magagawang tumayo nang maayos sa harap niya. Hinawakan ko ang dalawang balikat niya pero mabilis niya lang inialis 'yon.

"Huwag ka na ulit magpapakita sa akin. Ayaw na kitang makita kahit saan. Hinding-hindi na ako babalik ng Manila dahil nahihiya ako sa sarili kong minahal kita," she sobbed before she violently pulled her necklace and throw it in me. "Take it back. You won't take me back anymore."

Nang nawala siya sa harap ko ay doon lang ako natauhan sa kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin. Mabilis ko siyang sinundan palabas ng k'warto ko at nakita kong dala na niya ang mga gamit niya. Hindi marami 'yon dahil isang linggo lang naman siya rito, pero nang makita ko siyang gano'n, pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na siya mababawi kapag hindi ko siya pinigilang umalis ngayon.

"Ruby," I called her as I held her hand.

Mabilis niyang hinawi ang kamay kong nakahawak sa kan'ya. I sighed in frustration.

"Ruby, 'wag namang ganito. 'Wag mo naman akong iwan nang gano'n na lang."

She laughed. "Anong 'wag ganito? Hindi mo nga alam kung anong naramdaman ko habang ginagawa 'yon kasama ka!" she looked away. "Gusto ko na lang matapos 'yon, pero ano? Pagkatapos mong tanungin kung sino ako nang paulit-ulit, itinuloy mo pa rin!" she glared at me again and this time, it hurts more than the glares I received earlier. "Nakakadiri. Gan'yan ba ang ginawa mo sa London?"

She scoffed before she turned her back at me again. Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang panoorin na buksan niya ang pintuan ng unit ko. Ilang sandali pa, lumingon ulit siya sa akin. Hindi pa rin tumitigil ang pagtulo ng mga luha niya.

Wala akong magawa, kasi naiintindihan ko kung bakit... kung bakit niya ginawa 'yon.

"Parang awa mo na," her voice broke as her face showed more emotions that she's in deep pain. "Ayaw na ayaw na kitang makita."

Tuluyan na siyang lumabas ng unit ko at padabog na isinarado ang pintuan.

It was too late when I realized that my tears are falling. I didn't even feel it the first time.

I looked at the center table of the living room and saw the keys I gave her before I left to London. She really did say goodbye to me. How could she leave just like that without letting me explain everything?

I felt empty. My heart feels damn empty, I couldn't take this.

***

It's been almost two weeks since Ruby left me. Hindi ko siya tinigilan na tawagan at i-text. I even went to Baguio by Monday after work but I never saw a sign of her. Hindi ko siya nakita, kahit ang anino man lang niya.

I even asked her family but they only said that she's out for a trip with her friends after enrolling. Hindi rin nila alam kung saan sila nagpunta.

For a second, I was happy that Ruby didn't tell them yet that we're not in good terms. Kahit papaano, nakaramdam ako ng kaonting pag-asa, na baka sakali lang, pwede pa kami.

Kasi kung hindi na kami pwede, hindi ako papayag. I've loved her too much that I won't allow the destiny be a hindrance for the both of us.

Hindi ko na siya ma-contact kaya ko siya pinuntahan sa Baguio. I was planning to have another week of leave but my superior did not allow me. Nakuha ko na raw ang one week leave ko at hindi ko pwedeng pagsunurin.

Two weeks...

It's been almost two weeks and I still don't know what happened to Ruby.

"Hindi ba kayo nag-uusap?" tanong ni Anna sa akin habang nagli-layout sa computer. Umiling ako bilang tugon. Tumingin siya sa akin nang nagtataka. "Hindi ko pa rin kasi nakakausap pero parang kausap ni George noong nakaraan. Pero sige, itatanong ko sa kan'ya mamaya pagkauwi ko."

Nagkaroon ako ng katiting na pag-asa na baka sakali, malaman ko kung kumusta na si Ruby. Nagsisimula na ang second semester nila kaya ayaw kong basta na lang siya biglain na puntahan ko ro'n. Baka hindi niya magustuhan.

Nang matapos ang trabaho namin para sa araw na 'to ay pinaalala ko kay Anna na itanong kay George kung kumusta na si Ruby. Sa pagkakaalam ko, hindi alam ni George na girlfriend ko ang pinsan niya, pero wala na akong pakialam. Gusto ko na lang malaman kung kumusta na siya at kung pwede ko na ba siyang kausapin.

Baby, it's been two weeks. Was it still not enough of space for you? I missed you.

Nang makauwi ako at makapagpahinga, naghintay ako ng ilang oras sa text o tawag ni Anna. It's 8:27 p.m., bakit naman wala pa?

I've decided to text her first regarding my request.

Me:

Good evening. Did you ask George already?

I thought that she would reply to me late but in less than a minute, she texted back.

Architect Anna:

Sorry, wala pa si George. Don't worry, babalitaan kita once malaman ko kung kumusta na si Ruby. :)

Napaisip ako bago tumingin sa orasan ng cellphone ko. It's already almost 8:30 p.m., bakit wala pa si George? Ang OA naman ng overtime niya kung sakali.

I replied.

Me:

Okay, then. Thank you!

Hindi na siya nag-reply pa kaya naman nagluto na lang ako ng late dinner ko at kumain, tsaka nagbawas ng kaonting trabaho sa planning ng new project ko, bago naligo at humanda na sa pagtulog. I checked my phone and I saw Anna texted.

Architect Anna:

Kay Ate Honey ko ito tinanong. Nag-a-apartment na si Ruby ngayon malapit sa SLU. If you want to visit her, I'll send you the address. Regarding sa kung kumusta na siya, Ate Honey said that she's just fine but a little indifferent; baka raw magkaaway kayo, 'yon lang ang sinabi.

Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa nabasa ko. Isang beses pang nag-text si Anna at nakita ko ro'n ang address ng apartment ni Ruby.

But the fact that Ruby didn't told anyone about what happened between us... it gave me hope. It gave me something to fight for the both of us.

I replied to Anna and thanked her for everything. Sinabi ko na babawi ako at tutulungan ko siya sa mga susunod na projects niya as a token of appreciation for this. Hindi na siya nag-reply pa. She seems to be not in the good mood.

I quickly changed my clothes and went out of my unit carrying my wallet and car keys. Hindi ko kayang matulog nang hindi pa rin kami nagkakausap ni Ruby. I know that I might get fired with my job for being absent tomorrow because I've been idling for the past days, but I don't care.

I don't care about my job and my position if Ruby's not with me.

Mabilis lang akong nag-drive at nagpasalamat na hindi traffic dahil 10:30 p.m. na. Kung bibilisan ko ang pagdi-drive, kahit 2:00 a.m., makakarating ako ro'n. AWOL ako sa trabaho pero wala akong pakialam. Friday naman. At wala naman akong site visitation.

Mas binilisan ko pa ang pagdi-drive hanggang sa ilang oras na ang nagdaan, nakita ko na ang giant head ng lion sa Kennon Road.

I'm finally here in Baguio. It's good to be back.

"Ruby, I won't let you let go of me just like that," I told myself.

I will do everything to have her back. I won't sit back and relax and wait until the destiny fuck us up again. Kung para sa kan'ya, wala akong hindi gagawin at wala akong panghihinayangan.

Almost 3:00 a.m. na nang makarating ako sa harap ng apartment ni Ruby. Mabilis akong lumabas ng sasakyan at pumunta sa harap ng pintuan ng number ng apartment niya.

Sigurado akong tulog siya sa mga oras na 'to, pero wala na akong sasayanging oras pa.

I pressed the doorbell three times, desperately wanted to be welcome inside her apartment. I wanted to know how she is. I wanted to tell her everything.

But there's no one opening the door for me.

I pressed the doorbell again repeatedly and bang the door out of desperation, calling her name.

"Ruby!"

She saw me in peephole, I know, kaya hindi niya ako pinagbubuksan.

I knocked her door hard again and called for her. "I won't stop until you open this fucking door and talk to me!"

Ilang beses ko pang pinaghahampas ang pinto, hanggang sa ibang tao sa kabilang apartment na ang lumabas sa kani-kanilang unit.

"Kuya, anong oras na, natutulog naman kami!" reklamo ng mga lumabas na estudyante mula ro'n.

Hindi ko sila pinansin—sa halip, pinindot ko na lang nang pinindot ang doorbell, hanggang sa wakas, bumukas na ang pintuan.

Naririnig ko pa ang bulungan at reklamo ng mga lumabas sa mga unit nila bago nagsibalik sa loob, pero hindi naalis ang mga mata ko sa babaeng nasa harap ko ngayon, nakaiwas ang tingin sa akin.

"Anong ginagawa mo?" she looked at me straight in my eyes. My heart beats wildly. "Hindi ba't sinabi ko sa 'yo, ayaw na kitang makita? Nagmakaawa ako sa 'yo, huwag ka nang magpapakita. Anong ginagawa mo rito?" malamig na dugtong niya.

Napalunok ako bago siya hinila palapit sa akin at niyakap. "I'm sorry..."

She looked skinny. What happened to my baby? What did I do?

She pushed me but I didn't let her go. "Umalis ka na nga. Ano pang mapapala ko sa sorry mo?"

Naramdam ko ang pag-init ng sulok ng mga mata ko, bago ko siya hinawakan sa dalawang balikat at tiningnan.

"Ruby, hindi ko alam 'yon. Wala akong alam—"

She scoffed. "Tama na. Ayaw ko nang alalahanin, pwede ba?" pagputol niya sa akin.

"Just hear me out—"

"Ayaw ko nga sabi!" sigaw niya na nagpatigil sa akin. Nakaramdam ako sa takot nang makita ko ang masamang titig niya sa akin na para bang seryoso siyang ayaw niya na akong makita pa... kahit kailan. "Hindi mababago ng mga paliwanag mo 'yung naramdaman ko noon sa sarili ko!"

I saw her eyes watered. Her glares are piercing right through my heart that it hurts.

"Hindi ko lubos akalain na sa unang beses kong ibibigay ang sarili ko sa isang taong... sigurado na sana ako, hindi ko lubos akalain na mararamdaman kong mandiri sa sarili ko."

She gulped and then she looked away as her tears started to fall freely from her eyes.

"Ano man ang paliwanag mo, hindi mo man sinadya o kung ano pa man, walang magbabago, Jin. Kahit ano pang sabihin mo, hindi ko na tatanggapin 'yan. Hindi mo alam 'yung pakiramdam ng ibinibigay mo nang kusa 'yung sarili mo pero sa huli, itatanong kung sino ako... sino ka... sa oras mismo na ibinibigay ko ang sarili ko sa 'yo nang paulit-ulit."

She wiped her tears with the back of her palm as she stared directly again at me.

"Walang magbabago kahit marinig ko lahat ng paliwanag mo, kasi nasaktan na ako. Nasira na ako. Walang magbabago kasi hindi naman maibabalik sa akin 'yung mga oras na ginugol ko sa pag-iisip..." she sobbed. "Kung anong nangyari sa London, bakit tinanong mo kung sino ako?"

Her voice broke at the last line she told me.

I gulped before I started talking. "Wala, Ruby. Wala. I told you everything that happened in London. I was busy catching up with my father's new family and partying with his co-businessmen. I told you everything that dinner."

She looked away. "I don't care what happened in London anymore. I don't care about you anymore. I don't care about what happened between us anymore," she looked at me. "But please... lumayo ka na lang sa akin. Ayaw ko na. Huwag mo na akong puntahan at huwag mo na akong kulitin. Ayoko na. Kasi sa tuwing nakikita kita, nandidiri ako sa sarili ko, Jin," she cried harder. "Please... please, Jin. Huwag ka nang magpakita pa sa akin. Ayoko na..."

Para akong nauupos na kandila sa harap niya habang nagmamakaawa siya sa akin na lumayo na ako sa kan'ya. Lumalakas na ang mga iyak at hagulgol niya sa harap ko, mas nasasaktan na ako.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.

Ayaw kong umalis dito nang hindi ko naipapaliwanag sa kan'ya ang lahat; nang hindi ko siya nakukuha pabalik... pero ayaw ko rin nang nagkakaganito siya nang dahil sa akin.

"I..." my voice shakes. "I was experiencing... Jamais Vu for quite a while now," she looked at me, confused at what I said. "I had moments that I don't know where I am, who am I or what am I saying. I had moments that I was lost in Baguio because everything feels unfamiliar to me."

I gulped as I felt something in my throat, making it so hard to talk straight.

"I even forgot who you are, or what you are saying, what I am saying or what the artists on the TV is saying that midnight," I sighed as my tears fell freely. "But my body knows... my heart knows... my soul knows you unconsciously. Everything about me is familiar with you, even when my mind forgets you momentarily."

I nodded as I realized, she won't take me back whatever I am going to say, but at least, I know that I'll be able to tell her everything. I don't care about having her back tonight anymore. I just don't want to see her like this again, because what good does it do to have her back when she's miserable with you?

She looked at me but based on her reaction, she has already made her decision—and that is to not take me back anymore.

"I love you, Ruby. I never cheated and I never lied. I love you so much that seeing you begged and cried so hard in front of me just to leave you alone... ang sakit. Pero naiintindihan kita. Sobrang naiintindihan kita."

She gulped before looking away. "Umalis ka na."

I nodded with a small smile on my lips. "I respect you and your decision."

"Umalis ka na. Huwag ka nang babalik."

"But please respect me, for I don't know how to unlove you anymore."

I heaved a deep sigh before turning my back on her, leaving the biggest part of my life in Baguio that I know, I can never have anymore.