I wave goodbye to Jace and step into the quiet library. Aiyana is already in her seat behind the computer. She waves a slightly bony hand at me before going back to check out the few people in her line. Throwing a small closed lip grin at her, I grab the huge cart overflowing with books and wheel it to the back of the room.

My task for today is just putting away the returned books in the sections they belong in. Easy and so boring if you don't know how to make it fun. Fortunately for me, I do. It's simple, really. All I do is play my music quietly and hum along. Within just ten minutes, I get so into my music that I start adding little dances to my routine. Twirling here and leaping there. It's so fun that I even imagine myself doing it for the rest of my life. That image is a beautiful one until Jax comments that if I did do such a thing at an old age, I'd break my back and die-If I hadn't already killed myself by then. Just like that, my fire burns out and I'm back in present day. No music, no dancing, no working. Just thinking.

Will life ever get bad enough that killing myself is an option?

I'd like to wish that I was strong enough to say 'No. I would never do such a thing' but even I know that's a lie. Death by my own hands is a thought I've only had a few times, one in each life. A thought I've only acted on in one of those lives.

Doing Jackie's life it was right after Seleyia told me my mom and dad had died. I was only five and the thought of living without mom and dad and even little Nathan was so unreal and scary, that I'd wished I could've died in that fire with them. The second time I wished to end my own life was after Jaxson and I got caught in his father's old 'abandoned' warehouse. Jaxson managed to escape while barely fourteen years old me got caught and left behind for three men to do whatever they wished with my body. Doing the awful hour they took advantage of me, death's kind whispers were the only things that kept me going. The last time I carved to die was the day after my adventure to adulthood, a day before the beginning of Jacqueline's life. I remember I was lying unconscious in a big white hospital bed. Two IV's-one feeding me sips of water and the other oxygen-were stuck in one of my arms and the other my neck. I remember opening my eyes after a day in the too stuffy room, and immediately wishing I hadn't. Questions about why I hadn't just died this time clouded my mind until I couldn't take them anymore. The visions of me yanking at the oxygen IV, so desperate to kill what chance of life God had given me, still haunt me every now and then.

Yes. One of these days you will kill yourself.

No. I won't.

And that's a promise.

Being Jacqueline is my last shot at life. There is no one after her. When I die, that will be the end of it. All of it. All the research I've done to uncover what really happened to my parents and Nathan would go to waste. All the times I've managed to be happy won't really count. Everything I've ever worked hard on would turn into nothing. Nothing accomplishes nothing. So for that reason alone, I must survive. And I will.

Yes, you will. I know you will.

I chose to completely ignore Jax. He may live in my head, but just like Jaxson,  he knows absolutely nothing about me.

A smile touches my lips.

I'm going to live.

I grab my phone off one of the work tables and plug in my earbuds back into my ears. Heart attack by Demi Lovato blasts at a way too loud volume in my ears but I could care less as I get back into my grove. Twirling there and doing little dances here until I'm exploding with happy energy.

"If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attaccckkkk!"
Demi is yelling into my ears and ironically as it might be, I'm just about to have a heart attack right then as someone taps me on the shoulder.

Like with Hazel earlier today, I jump a foot into the air and accidentally drop my phone, my earbuds leaving my ears and following the little square box onto the ground. I turn around to glare at Aiyana for scaring the life out of me only to find that's it's actually not Aiyana that interrupted me but in fact Finn.

Huh?

I blink my eyes a couple of times to make sure I'm actually seeing things-who knows? My mind is so strange that I wouldn't put it above making me see unreal things. 

"Hi?" Amusement at my facial expression-mouth agape and looking at him like I'm positive he's unreal-shines brightly in his pretty eyes and even sneaks into his smooth voice.

I blink my eyes a couple more times before closing my mouth-like a normal person-and looking away from him-like the idiot I am. "Hi." Turning back to my almost empty cart.

Stupid move. Instead of being more comfortable with the elimination of eye contact, I feel more vulnerable. Finn's eyes drill into my back until I can't think straight, and I'm forced to turn back to him.

"You're so shy." His voice is a thoughtful whisper as if he's just now making the observation.

My teeth unconsciously draw the side of my bottom lip into my mouth, and I mumble, "Yeah." We stare at each a moment longer before I decide to get over my fear of talking to guys-it's just Finn after all - and say what's on my mind. "T-thanks for visiting me."

Even if my stutter is back, I'm glad that I spoke a full, audible sentence, even more so when I realize he missed me enough to show up at my work.

"Yeah. I couldn't wait any longer to show you what I got you." Finn looks so excited that his whole face is glowing. The big smile he flashes is like the gold star on a Christmas tree. It not only completes him but also makes him long so damn hot.

You've got problems.

I know.

"What is it?"

"I'll show you, let's go." He holds out a large and I'm so tempted to take it. Like extremely tempted.

"I've got another hour before my shift ends."

Finn dismisses my weak counterargument without missing a beat. "Check out lady said you could leave early today."

I've missed Finn-the only true friend I've made in the time I've spent with the McCains-so much in the past couple of week, that I don't even bother checking with Aiyana to make sure I can leave. I just take a leap of faith and grab he's awaiting hand.

Please don't bow up in my face.
________

Hey! Thanks for reading! Please vote, comment and share if you liked this chapter.

Finn is back!

For those of you who have been with this story for more than a month: I've been editing Finn's character a LOT!! So if something about him seems off, try to ignore it and love him for who he now is:)

Thanks for understanding, Liv

DP: Oct.25.17
WC: 1,210