I can't breath. It feels like I'm under water, deep in the ocean without an oxygen mask. My body is numb to the pain, it's sting feels no different from the one of pleasure.

All my lives spin before me. Every thought and dream I've ever had blurs the line separating sane and insanity until I'm isolated. Far from the world, in a little black hole of my own, I curl my body into a little ball and cry.

On the path between denial and understanding, I chose to sink into  the darkness that surrounds me.

In the mist of reality and a nightmare, I hold onto my mind tightly. That's all I have left. My body has abandoned me and no one hears my screams.

***

I swim in the comforting sea of blackness for what feels like hours. Every now and then, I hear noises from what I assume is the outside world, but I'm unsure. I find no surprise in this. It seems like the longer I swim, the more unsure I became of things, the less I hear noises from the world beyond me.

At first, I don't see this as a bad thing, so I swim deeper. I allow the Black Sea to swallow what's left of my being without one scream. I relish the feeling of not  knowing a single thing about myself and my surroundings. I enjoy being nothing more than an empty canvas, until I hear his voice.

It's deep and demanding. Confident and natural. Freaked out yet at the same time tightly controlled. Attached to everything I call good.

I know it's his voice, but I still struggle to remember who he is and why he matters so much.  Thinking gets harder when the dark sea tries pulling me back down. A part of me wants to continue living in its calming embrace, but something in me knows if I do that, I might never hear his voice again. For a reason I can't wrap my head around, a huge part of me doesn't favor that idea.

So I push back.

I thrush in my fight to stay above the darkness. Wounds and scars litter my body. Voices tell me that it's not worth it, yet I can't stop fighting.

I won't stop fighting.

For the first time in my life, I recognize just how badly I don't rant to swim forever. How much I don't want the darkness to win.

On the trail between reality and a nightmare, I come face to face with the truth I've searching for and hiding from my whole life.

Teresa King attempted to kill my entire family.

***
Finn

McCay, Jace and I were watching The Nightmare on Elm Street when Jay called Jace. Not knowing what was going on and thinking that Jace was pale because of the bloody scene on the tv, McCay and I threw popcorn kernels at him.

"Stop being a pussy, Jace." McCay smirked, picking Chip off the floor. Chip, aways the attention seeker, wagged his tail in approval and pawed at McCay's shirt.

Across McCay, Jace's face had taken a slight green shade, and it had looked like he was having a hard time breathing.

That's when I started worrying.

Jace didn't care for bloody movies, anyone who'd ever watched a horror movie with him knew that, but he never got sick because of them.

"Hey man, what's wrong?"

Jace shook his head slightly, his dark almond colored hair flying through the air. "Jacqueline," He whispered, looking me dead in the eyes. His shining with un-fallen tears while mine were as alert as ever.

My mind raced with all the possible things that could have happened to her to have Jace so shaken up.

Maybe she hurt herself? Maybe she's having trouble with her foster agents? Maybe she was in some type of accident?

All my thoughts were silenced at Jace's voice. I had stared at him with my undivided attention but he opted for blankly looking at the tv. "She passed out," His voice cracked on the word 'passed' and for a second I was sure he was going to break down. "Ambulance took her."

He continued talking quietly about either what was going on or something about his parents. I heard nothing but the boom of pounding hammer in my head. Her name ran circles in my mind until images of her bloody body were all I could see. In my vision, tears were running down her face but I knew that could never be true.

My little Queen never cries. She's too strong willed to ever let that happen.

It took a couple moments of silence before what was happening fully clicked in Jace and I's heads. When it fully did, we raced out of the apartment and to the hospital. McCay stayed behind to watch Chip.

Now we seat on a few of the chairs in Jacqueline's hospital room. She's laying on the white bed with tubes and IV's of all sorts plugged into her body. A monitor besides her head keeps track of her internal activity.

From his place by his mothers side, Jace starts, "Nurse?"

The tall brunette looks up from her clipboard and locks eyes with Jace. "Yes?"

"What does the green line on the monitor mean and why does it keep beeping?"

"It's her life line. When it stops beeping, she's dead." She says far too bluntly.

If it's even possible, Jace gets even paler. He squeezes his mom's hand tighter and she kisses his head affectionately. Jay let's out a little shriek and Robert rushes to comfort her.

I curl my fingers into a fist but nothing more. From the moment I was born, my motto has always be to stay calm and in control. "Nothing will ever truly hurt if you have control," My Dad has always said.

I'm calm as ever and in control but looking at Jacqueline with so many tubes and IV's plugged into her tiny body slices at my heart. It makes me wish there was some way I could've altered her fate. Some way I could've been there for her. Some way I could've saved her.

I look away from her and focus my attention on my hands.

My Dad once said, "Wishing is a weak man's dance, fiul meu. Hudson men don't tango."

Just like usual, my Dad is always right. Wishing I could have stopped the envitable isn't going to suddenly make Jacqueline well. It's not going to erase the events of the night. All it's doing is taking up time.

With a final glance to my hands, I look up to the monitor. The mountains on the green life line are slowly turning into small small hills.

Jacqueline's conciseness is slipping away.

The others in the room seem to notice this and start to freak out in their own little ways. Jace recites every curse word he can think of while Jaylin silently screeches into Roberts shirt. Beatrice and Robert both become noticeably paler as they hold their children tightly.

I remain in my seat, not making a single peep as I watch the sence in front of me with blank eyes. The nurse leaves and comes back. Jacqueline's agent comes and goes. Everyone clears out for a while and returns. They get food and they talk to Jacqueline. Jaylin even buys Tuck Everlasting from iBooks and starts reading it to her at one point. All the while I stand back until I can't.

When everyone's finally accepted that Jacqueline might not wake up at any given second and settled down, I scoot a chair to her bed. Ignoring the nurse's annoyed look at the loud noise, I grab Jacqueline's hand in mine and trace her fingers.

"How'd she pass out?"

I've been at the hospital for more than six hours, but no one's bothered to tell me what happened exactly, I think. My mind's been to hell and back trying to stay calm and in control. Maybe people have been talking and I just haven't heard.

To what seems to be her annoyance, the doctor takes a pause in recording her vitals to looks up at me for a quick second. "Panic attack. We believe that something shocked her heart into overdrive, and her body couldn't handle that."

"Is she in a coma?"

Weirdly a little less annoyed than before, the doctor stops writing to reply, "I don't believe so. Her vitals are slightly higher than those of those in a coma."

A huge sigh of relief leaves everyone's body, but we're all still on alert. Jacqueline's chances of making it back just got higher but not by a lot. Still, I try to think that the glass is half full.

"Come on, Cutie." I whisper to her mostly still body. "Don't leave me."

_____________

This chapter is to be continued. I just can't write it right now: tired and it's 11pm where I live right now. Gonna work more on it tomorrow.

Thank you tons for reading and still let me know your thoughts.

Update: Not gonna add more to this. I'll just start a new chapter.

XXX Liv

DP: Mar.17.18
WC: 1,470