May lottery fund sa work.

Meron din kaming sariling lottery fund ni Brenda.

Noong una, ayokong sumali.

Hindi kasi ako masuwerte sa mga ganyan.

Pati nga sa mga raffle ay bihira akong manalo.

Kapag company Christmas party, isa ako sa umuuwing empty handed.

Pero kinumbinsi niya ako.

Think of it as being part of the team daw.

A team that costs me five dollars a week.

Ang selling pitch niya ay kung manalo daw ang buong opisina at hindi ako kasali, ako lang ang maiiwan mag-isa habang sila ay mga milyonaryo na.

Gusto ko daw bang mangyari iyon?

Siyempre hindi.

Kahit alam ko na ang chances of winning were slim, pinagbigyan ko na siya.

Sumali ako hindi dahil ayokong maiwan sa office habang lahat sila ay nage-enjoy nang prize money kundi dahil ang kulit niya.

Wala talaga akong luck pagdating sa game of chance.

Kapareho din na hindi ako masuwerte when it comes to love.

Before I met Kate, three years akong single.

My last relationship was long distance.

I met Jesse online and we hit it off right away kahit pa she was younger than I am.

Five years lang naman but still.

Estudyante siya sa University Of Toronto.

I was already working for the city of Calgary.

Dahil mutual ang attraction namin at kahit wala kaming idea kung paano inavigate ang distance, we decided to give it a try.

One month pa lang kaming magkakilala noon.

Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na wala namang mawawala kung susubukan ko.

At least that's what I thought at the time.

The plan was for me to move to Toronto once she graduates.

Mas marami daw work opportunities doon.

That's what she told me.

I wasn't so sure about that but since I'm already risking, why not do it all the way di ba?

Kapag may work na daw kasi siya, she will finally be able to move out of her parents house.

Dahil may mga skills naman daw ako, she was sure na hindi ako mahihirapan maghanap nang trabaho.

I visited her three times.

Nakapunta na din siya sa Calgary during summer breaks.

I took her to the mountains.

Customary na yata ito dahil lots of people want to see Banff or Jasper and of course, Lake Louise.

Jesse was young and vibrant.

Very bubbly ang personality as opposed to mine na medyo reserved.

She made my head and my heart spin.

I was so nervous the first time we agreed to meet.

Natakot ako na baka limited ang chemistry namin sa mga virtual conversations.

What if hindi pala kami magkasundo sa personal?
Paano na?
I even backed out of buying the plane ticket.

Sayang naman kasi.

Buti kung mura ang pumunta sa Toronto.

But she persuaded me.

Kung hindi daw kami magmatch in person, at least we can still be friends.

At the price of at least a thousand dollars?

Duda ako.

I was not willing to part with my hard earned money.

But then I asked myself one question?

Ano ba ang mahalaga sa akin?

I wanted to say money but my conscience disapproved at my answer.

Despite my misgivings, I clicked the button and bought the ticket.

When she came to pick me up at the airport and I saw her walking towards me, my heart felt as if it was going to come out of my chest.

Jesse hugged me tight and then tiptoed to kiss me.

Her lips were soft and minty.

She smelled of lavender and rose.

When she pulled away from the embrace, I find that I couldn't let her go.

Pero bago mangyari ang mga plano namin, we went through a rough patch.

School became more challenging.

Naging busy na siya not only with her classes kundi pati na din sa extracurricular activities.

She was very active sa theater group sa university.

Kapag may rehearsals, she barely had the energy to study.

But we still kept our schedule.

Nagtatawagan sa umaga at sa gabi.

I encouraged her to keep going.

Gusto kong maging supportive girlfriend kahit miss na miss ko na siya.

I even told her that if she needed more time, okay lang kung hindi siya tumawag.

Ayokong makadagdag sa pressure niya.

A text will be fine. Sabi ko.

She was opposed to the idea.

Nagtanong pa nga kung may iba na daw ako kaya it was so easy for me to say things like that.

I assured her na walang iba.

Siya lang ang mahal ko.

During her visits, I learned na bukod sa malambing, makulit din siya.

She will annoy me to the point of exasperation tapos biglang babawi.

Ginawa niya iyon when I broached the idea of her taking more time for her studies.

Nang masagad na ang pasensiya ko, naglambing na siya and then she thanked me for being understanding.

She was studying hard for our future daw.

But then she met someone.

She didn't cheat.

Sinabi niya agad sa akin.

When we had another one of our video chats, nahalata ko agad na there was something bothering her.

She was not her usual makulit self.

Unlike before na bago pa ako makaconnect, tumitili na siya agad sa tuwa, this time she looked serious.

I thought she was burdened by her studies or the pressure from the play na hinahanda nila.

When Jesse started crying, doon na ako nagtaka.

Tinanong ko kung ano ang problema.

Noong una ayaw pa niyang sabihin.

Namimiss niya daw ako.

By then, four months na kaming hindi nagkikita.

I told her na I miss her too.

But unlike before na pipilitin niyang ngumiti kapag sinabi ko iyon, lalo siyang umiyak.

Kinabahan ako.

Jesse once told me na hindi siya madaling umiyak.

Naging iyakin lang daw siya when we started dating dahil a long distance relationship is very hard.

Naiintindihan ko naman dahil I was on the other side of that relationship.

Nahihirapan din naman ako.

Pero I wanted to be the supportive girlfriend then.

Gusto kong makabawas sa mga pressure na kinakaharap niya so I comforted her with sweet words, gifts and the promise na once makaipon ako, dadalawin ko siya ulit.

That usually does the trick.

But it didn't that night.

Nagtapat siya sa akin.

May nakilala daw siya sa dance group.

Bagong member and they became really close.

A guy named Basti.

My first reaction was to get angry.

Nahalata niya agad kaya she was quick to say na huwag muna akong magalit.

She hasn't done anything.

Dahil kahit attracted siya sa guy, mahal niya ako.

"I didn't want to entertain it but it's really hard dahil lagi ko siyang kasama."

"I love you and I don't want to hurt you."

Isa lang ang tanong ko sa kanya.

"Do you love him too?"

Hindi siya agad nakasagot.

I love Jesse.

I know she did the right thing pero nasaktan pa din ako sa pagtatapat niya.

When I calmed down, I called her a few days later and thanked her for being honest.

Inamin ko na nagselos ako at natakot sa confession niya.

I was afraid to lose her because I'm so far away.

I remembered the first time I visited her, kinausap ako ng mommy niya.

Diniretso.

When they learned that Jesse was in a long distance relationship, kinausap daw niya ito.

Tinanong if this was something she wanted.

Nagalit pa nga daw ito kasi pinapakialam siya.

But the first thing that her mom said to her was, if she really loved me, she has to be honest.

The distance can be overwhelming.

Hindi madali.

Nothing is easy with love but we made it extra harder by being apart.

Before it gets out of control, it would be better to tell me the truth. Sabi ng mommy niya.

I can read between the lines.

The message was not only meant for Jesse, it was also meant for me.

I asked Jesse kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin.

Hindi daw niya alam.

Mahal niya ako pero her feelings for Basti were growing.

Hindi niya daw alam kung paano niya ito iiwasan dahil lagi silang nagkikita sa campus.

I gave her time to think.

We already had a lot of space between us pero baka mas kailangan pa niya ng maraming space.

Ayaw niyang pumayag.

She even threatened na pupuntahan niya ako sa Calgary para makapag-usap kami.

I told not to do that.

School was ongoing at malapit na ang presentation nang play nila.

Against her knowledge, I already booked a flight.

Gusto ko siyang sorpresahin.

I flew to Toronto the day before the presentation.

Sa school niya ako pumunta.

Once I got there, I texted her.

She didn't text me back.

Tinawagan niya ako as soon as she got my message.

When she saw me na nakaupo sa quad, she ran and hugged me tight.

This time, the smell of lavender and rose broke my heart.

Her eyes still have that shine but there was sadness behind it.

She asked kung ano ang ginagawa ko sa Toronto.

I told her na imbes na siya ang pumunta sa Calgary at i-disrupt ang schedule niya, I decided to see her.

It's easier that way.

"Did you come here to break up with me?" She pinched the callus on top of my index finger.

"Jess, I'm here so we can talk."

"You are breaking up with me." Nangilid ang luha niya.

"I'm here to save our relationship."

When I asked kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin, hindi niya alam.

"Do you still want to be with me?"

Tumango siya.

I stayed at their house that night.

The next morning, after Jesse left for school, I wrote her a note and left it under her pillow.

She called and begged but I made up my mind.

I have to let her go.

I want to remember her, us, when things were happy.

I want to remember the smell of lavender and rose while it's still sweet.

Naalala ko ang nangyari sa amin ni Jesse as I waited for Brenda to tell me why she was acting weird.