I have been depressed since my grandmother died.

Except for the occasional meeting with Liam, all I did was sleep in the dark.

There were plenty of dreams that floated in my head during my restless sleep.

Most of it was of my grandmother when she was still alive or when she was still young and my family and I would visit them in the summer.

This was before my mother jumped in the rabbit hole and didn't come back.

Sometimes I dreamed of my family too.

Those were awful dreams.

In it, my parents were fighting.

Always fighting.

There would be plenty of screaming, dishes crashing against the wall and blood.

Lots of it.

I saw Dallas too.

The most vivid was when I caught him taking Dad's bottle of rum and drinking all of it.

He was young, eleven or twelve maybe?

Dallas was laughing like a maniac after drinking the entire bottle.

He was intoxicated but he didn't die.

I rarely dreamed of my sister.

Brooklyn has always been smart.

Instead of staying home to watch my parents tear each other apart, she stayed at her friend's house until late at night.

When she gets home, my parents would be so wasted to notice her.

I would be asleep in my bed and she would come to kiss me goodnight.

Sometimes, I would be awakened by the movement in my bed.

Brooklyn would tell me to be quiet.

She would not want Dad or Mom to know she was out the whole day.

That would be bad not only for her but for everyone.

If there was one other thing that my parents were good at aside from drinking, it was picking up fights.

We were mostly at the receiving end of their anger.

That's how Brooklyn and I learned to talk in whispers.

The day she left home, I found a note hidden in my drawer.

She said she was sorry she couldn't wait for me to come back from school.

"I would have been dead by then." She wrote.

The words sent a chill to my heart.

I believed it could happen.

Dallas was never home to see our parents destroy our family.

It was just Brooklyn and I.

With her gone, I was afraid of what was going to happen to me.

Fear ruled my heart.

When I was still at my parents' house, my sleep was always restless and light.

At an early age, I learned that people are unreliable.

You cannot count on them for anything.

My family was the best example.

I was hoping that Brooklyn would stay or at least take me with her.

She didn't.

My heart was broken by people I expected to care.

When Liam broke up with me, my theory was once again proven right.

Never count on the ones you love to stay.

Tired of the pain and the disillusion, I protected myself.

If no one wants to be with me, if no one wants to stay, then I should do the same.

Why should I risk my heart being broken again and again?

I could do the same thing.

If my parents were capable of not caring or showing love, it must be in my DNA too.

When I decided to spread my wings away from where Liam's memories will haunt for me days, I told myself it was time for a change.

It was time for me to play the game that almost everyone in my life seemed to be involved in.

Working at the lodge gave me a fresh start.

Deep down, I enjoyed talking to people.

That was who I am.

But I consciously developed a persona that was different from whom I was in public.

I never let people in, even the ones who expressed genuine concern.

I held my cards close to the chest.

I sheltered my heart with a strong armor to protect it.

I shunned any type of commitment.

A hook up was all they're going to get.

Falling in love was out of the question.

I was determined not to get my heart broken again.

The more I do it, the easier it got.

I was fast becoming an expert in ghosting and breaking hearts.

It was intoxicating to know that people can't have what they want.

There was power in knowing that their desire can't be fulfilled no matter how they beg to give them a chance.

But no matter how good I got, there was something, someone, that affected me more than anyone else.

When I reconciled with Liam, it was not with the intention of getting back together.

He did asked if we could give it another shot.

I didn't want to.

It took me a long time to get over him.

I do not want to go through that pain ever again.

He said he wants to try and maybe it will change my mind.

I told him not to bother.

I was no longer that naïve sixteen-year-old girl who believed every word he said.

When we were at the funeral he asked if we could talk, I saw the suspicion in Jack's eyes.

Or was it jealousy?
I couldn't tell.

All I know was, there was definitely something there that was not friendly.

That was what's bothering me.

The caring gestures and the gentle look in his eyes.

Jack and I get along so well because we do not have a responsibility to each other especially when it comes to love.

There was no commitment.

We get what we want for each other.

No strings attached.

With Grandma Lucy's passing, the string was starting to take a life of its own.

It was slowly unraveling, forming shapes and knots in my heart.

I was feeling uneasy.

Because I know I cared for Jack.

No.

I am in love with Jack and denying it was getting harder every single day that we are together.

I got out of bed and opened the drawer where I kept the cheque.

Grandma Lucy gave me more than enough to start over.

If I want Jack and I to keep our status as it is, I have to make a decision.

If I give my heart to him and he breaks it, I am not sure if I'll be ever to get back up again.

I know I can trust him.

I'm afraid to try.

I looked around the bedroom.

It smelled like us.

His scent and mine.

We've spent nights in this bed not just to fulfill a need but to talk.

I will miss him.

I will miss Ralph.

When Jack is at work, I refer to myself as Ralph's mama.

She usually licks the top of my hand when I say that.

I heard the soft click of the door lock.

Putting the cheque back in the envelope, I put it back in the drawer and stood up to meet him.

Jack just got in.

He hung his backpack on the rack and looked up when he saw me.

"Hey." I smiled.

"Hi." He sounded tired.

"Is everything okay?"

"You know, work." Jack walked to the couch and kissed the top of Ralph's head.

I sat down beside him.

"Jack, I have to talk to you."

"Sure. What's up?"

"Is there something you want to tell me?"

He frowned.

"I don't think so. Why?"

"It's just that since we came back from the funeral, you seemed off."

"Why'd you say that?"

"You're different. When we were having breakfast and I mentioned Annie's name, you stiffened."

He clenched his jaw proving my observation that something did happened.

My cousin could be intense.

When my friends would come over, she would ask questions that were too invasive.

They told me about it and I would always apologize for Annie's behavior.

"She's something. That's all I could say." Jack was clearly deflecting.

"What did she say to you?"

"Nothing."

"Jack?" I raised an eyebrow.

He averted his eyes.

"Please?" I touched the top of his hand but he pulled away.

He was quiet for a long time.

In my head, I thought of all the stupid things that Annie could say to him.

The first day we got there, Annie came to my bedroom while I was about to change.

She asked if Jack is gay.

I glared at her.

We may be close but I am not about to out Jack to anyone.

The next thing she said bothered me.

"Even if you don't want to tell me anything, I have eyes. The way Jack looks at you tells me everything I need to know."

"Shut up." I pushed her out of the room.

"Who's Chloe?"

"What?" I asked, stunned.

My heart shrank so fast I thought I was having a heart attack.

"Chloe?"

"How did you know about her?"

He did not respond.

"Damn that Annie." I felt uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Jack doesn't know anything about Chloe and the people who knew about what happened where the ones back at Saskatoon.

"Who is she?" He insisted.

I leaned back, thinking and feeling confronted all of a sudden.

I haven't thought of Chloe in a very long time.

This felt like a reckoning.

I looked at Jack.

There was confusion and eagerness in his eyes.

When he mentioned Chloe, my reaction was to flee.

But Jack had seen me during the darkest moments of my life.

He took me in, gave me shelter and most importantly, carried me when all I want to do was give up.

He got his heart broken for his truth.

Am I ready to do that for myself?

What if he couldn't understand?

I tapped my foot until he put a hand on top of my knee to stop it from shaking.

"Destiny, I want to know what happened."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"What if you hate me after I tell you?"

"Why would I hate you?"

"Because the me you know now is different from who I was."

The crease on his forehead grew deeper.

"Try me." It sounded like a challenge.

This was not what I expected him to say.

But I saw the anticipation in his eyes.

There was no other way around this but the truth.

I took a deep breath before speaking.

"Chloe and I worked at the coffee shop. On my first day, she and I hit it off. She trained me for the job and then we hang out after work."

"She knew a lot of people not only because she was born there but also because she was very nice. Aside from Liam, she was the other person I trusted. I told her about my family and how I ran away. She was sympathetic and cheered me up on days when I was too weak to get up in the morning."

I paused.

The memory of what happened was giving rise to all the emotions I thought I had forgotten.

Jack covered my hands in his.

"It's okay if you don't want to do this."

"No. I'm fine."

I inhaled and felt a sharp pang in my chest.

"Chloe invited me over to her house one afternoon. They lived in a ranch. After we had a snack, she asked if I know how to ride a horse. I didn't. She wanted to teach me so we went to the stables and she introduced me to her horse. It was a beautiful brown mare named Meadow. I was scared to try but Chloe said that Meadow is very gentle so I agreed."

"We walked side by side and was talking about work and our customers and having a laugh about those who got mad for the smallest reason."

"When we were farther from the ranch, Chloe suddenly turned serious. I was not used to seeing her like that. Most of the time, she's smiling and laughing with everyone else."

"She said she has something to tell me. A secret. It will just be between us and she swore me to secrecy."

"She raised her pinkie finger and although hesitant, I linked my finger with hers."

The knot in my chest was getting tight so I paused.

This was harder than I thought.

"Chloe told me she likes me. I said I like her too."

"I don't think you understand." She was smiling but her eyes were dark.

"I like you the way a boy likes a girl."

"When she said that, I stopped walking. Chloe tugged at the bridle to stop keep Meadow in place."

Suddenly, I was confused.

In school, I heard stories about gay students but I paid no attention to it.

I had enough problems of my own.

Chloe looked panicked.

"Destiny, you made a promise. No one can know, okay?" There was an urgency in her voice.

"I have to go." I ran to go back to the ranch.

"I heard her called Meadow and she got up on the horse to catch up to me."

"Chloe was begging me to talk but I didn't know what to say to her. When we got back to their house, she stepped down from the horse and asked if she said something wrong. I told her I want to go home."

"I should have left it at that. But then I said something."

"What did you say?"

"I told her to stay away from me."

Jack's shoulders slumped.

"What happened next was a nightmare. Chloe clearly wanted to talk to me but I avoided her. I asked my manager to switch my shifts. He asked why and I just said I was needed at the farm. It was a weak excuse. Almost everyone I worked with lives on a farm. By then, our coworkers began to notice that I haven't been hanging out with Chloe. They asked if we fought. I didn't tell them anything. They like to gossip and I don't want that."

"I was shocked when I came in one morning and saw Chloe waiting for me at the parking lot. Her face was wet and her eyes were red. She had been crying. What she said to me would haunt me for as long as I live."

"What did she say?"

"She said I made a promise."

"I was confused. But before I could explain myself, she went off about how she trusted me with her life but it was a big mistake. Everyone knows about me, Destiny, and it was all your fault."

"Before I could say anything, Chloe got in the car and drove off."

"That afternoon, I got shocking news." My breath shuddered.

The dark memory of that day washed over me and I struggled to get the words out.

"Des, you don't have to do this." Jack sounded worried.

"I'm sorry I asked." He squeezed he hand tight.

I looked at him and felt hot tears streaming down my face.

"It's okay." I forced a smile.

"I have to do this. I have to tell you the truth."

"Chloe took her dad's hunting rifle, went to the stables and..." I couldn't go on.

I gripped Jack's hand for support.

"Oh, Destiny. I'm so sorry."

Jack held my trembling body.

I let the trauma of the past seize my heart one more time.

They said the horses broke free from the stables and were found all over the place.

Meadow had blood all over her body and was never the same.

The stable had a lonely shadow looming over it but her family kept it.

Chloe's tragic death was spoken in whispers only.

Everyone who knew her was confronted with there own prejudice.

I straightened in my seat.

"Chloe's parents found her journal."

"Her family didn't blame me for what happened but they didn't talk to me either. The entire community had their eyes on me. I was angered by their hypocrisy. At work, I heard whispers about Chloe and I but I kept it to myself."

"Why did you tell her to stay away from you?"

"I don't know. I didn't understand a lot of things back then. I still don't."

"Why did Annie tell me about Chloe?"

"She's stupid."

"Seriously, Destiny."
"She wanted to make a point?"

"What is the point?"

"That I could never fall in love with someone like you."