One morning, I woke up to the sounds of birds outside my bedroom window.

It was new.

Those chirping, happy sounds.

After almost six months of winter, the twittering sounds could only mean one thing--oras na para gumising at magising.

Panahon na para mamulat mula sa mahabang emotional hibernation.

Kaya naman on the first day of spring, nagdesisyon ako.

Hindi na ako iiyak.

I had to remind myself na pagpasok ko sa banyo, when I see my reflection in the mirror, hindi ako maaawa sa sarili ko.

There will be no tears dahil it's time for a new beginning.

It is finally spring, my favorite season in the entire year.

Time to turn over a new leaf, to shed the old skin and wake up to a new and better day.

But things are usually easier said than done.

For one, hindi madaling bumangon.

Mukhang hindi lang ang puso ko ang nagkaroon nang atrophy kundi pati na ang kalamnan ko.

Reluctantly, I got up.

My mind was still foggy dahil hindi naman talaga ako nakakatulog nang maayos.

Pag higa ko, ikot nang ikot ang isip ko.

Kapag lalong pinipilit na kumalma, to relax, lalo lang akong nagiging agitated.

Hindi madali dahil there was an empty spot on the right side of the bed.

It had been like that for months.

Pero hindi pa din ako sanay.

When I finally got up, dahan-dahan akong lumakad papunta sa banyo.

I opened the door but did not look at my reflection in the mirror.

I know how I look.

Two large dark rings under the eyes that would definitely put a raccoon to shame.

My hair is dry and limp.

I needed a haircut because my sideburns were long and unruly.

Time na din siguro na magpakulay nang buhok.

Maybe I would try something bold—hot pink, red, purple.

Natawa ako sa naisip not only because that shit won't fly at work but because I would probably look like a clown.

Hindi din bagay sa skin tone ko.

Baka lalo akong umitim.

It was a good idea not to look in the mirror.

Hindi ko gustong makita ang sadness sa mga mata ko.

That's how I start crying.

When I'm face to face with the shadows that lurked behind my eyes.

Kaya imbes na tingnan ang mukha ko sa salamin ay tumungo ako, binuksan ang gripo at nagmamadaling naghilamos.

I also decided to eat breakfast that day.

Pero nang buksan ko ang fridge wala palang laman maliban sa dalawang half-empty water bottle, cheese slices na inaamag na dahil sa tagal nang nakastore at tatlong pirasong itlog that were way past the expiration date.

Once again, I felt the bitter taste of self-pity rising from my throat.

It was time to put the past behind me.

Ilang buwan kong hinayaan ang kahapon na magdikta ng ngayon.

Panahon na ng pagbabago.

With that thought came the determination to stick to what I wanted to do.

But when I look around the apartment, every corner had a reminder of what changed during the last eight months.

The shelves had missing picture frames and books.

There was a big white spot where a hanging piece of art used to be.

Wala na sa sofa ang makukulay na throw pillows.

The bare couch and the dented spots gave me tunnel vision.

We used to sit huddled close to each other.

Most of all, ako na lang mag-isa.

Wala na ang alaga naming tuxedo cat na si Ralph.

Kate took her when she left kasi siya daw ang nagrescue dito.

It was not fair.

I fought hard for Ralph.

I begged her na kahit ang pusa na lang ang iwanan niya sa akin.

Of course hindi siya pumayag.

Desidido siyang manakit to the highest level.

The heaviness started to rise in my chest.

Mabagal sa umpisa hanggang sa bumilis ang intensity.

Bago ako bumigay at masuka, I closed my eyes and took a long deep breath.

Kaya ko ito.

I used to be alone in this apartment naman eh.

Before I met her.

Before I fell and didn't know my heart could break.

Magagawa ko ulit ang ganoon.

I just need to be strong.

I also need to eat.

Bumalik ako sa banyo para maligo.

Kinuskos kong maigi ang buong katawan as if I was trying to get rid of a stain na mahirap alisin.

I scrubbed until the skin in my arms and chest turned a bright red.

I stayed under the shower until the tips of my fingers were wrinkled and soft.

Ilang buwan kong hindi nagawa ang ganito.

Ilang buwan kong pinabayaan ang sarili ko.

I stopped taking long showers because I didn't care anymore.

If I'm being honest, it was a struggle to take a shower.

The small enclosure was suffocating.

I usually find myself lying in a fetal position in the bathtub.

Having failed at doing that, babalik ako sa kuwarto para matulog ulit.

I went back to the bedroom after my shower.

When I opened the closet, an onslaught of emotions came over me again.

But just like what I did when I was looking at the fridge and the living room, ayokong magpatalo.

Not today, Satan.

Maybe tomorrow?

The clothes rack was mostly empty.

Wala na ang mga brightly colored dresses niya, hats and rows of high heels.

The top shelf was missing her perfume bottles and make up but the warm and musky scent lingered.

The fragrance tugged at my heart like tiny fingers.

I quickly grabbed a red polo shirt and clean jeans then slammed the closet door.

I chose red for luck.

Kahit hindi ko alam kung totoo nga iyon, ayokong mag-invite ng bad vibes beginning today.

Ang gusto ko lang ay positive energy.

Iyon ang kailangan ko and not the sadness that stayed with me mula ng magbreak kami ni Kate.

Pagkatapos kong magbihis, I stood up and it was time to do the thing I avoided when I woke up this morning.

Lumapit ako sa salamin.

This time I saw myself.

I lost weight.

Ang T-shirt na dati ay fit now hung loose around the shoulders.

The sleeves almost reached my elbows at mukha akong malnourished.

My cheekbones were slightly sticking out.

Sayang.

Ito pa naman ang isa sa best features ko.

The jeans that used to hug my hips were baggy, the hem reaching the floor.

Where there was once someone who had bright warm eyes and a dazzling smile, hindi ko kilala kung sino ang nasa salamin.

Nakakadepressed tingnan ang itsura ko.

I quickly turned away from the mirror to hang the wet towel in the bathroom.

Before going to work, I drove through the coffee shop that was a few blocks from the office.

Gusto ko mang magdine-in so I can at least enjoy my breakfast, the restrictions were still in place.

Mas humigpit nga because of the rising cases of Covid-19.

For non-essential places like restaurants, we have to present a vaccine passport.

I made a mental note to leave the passport in my backpack for next time.

Pagtapat sa speaker box, the cashier asked what I want to order.

Bacon and cheese.

That was her favorite sandwich.

Iyan din ang malimit niyang orderin when we used to be together.

Hindi iyon ang inorder ko.

I opted for something I really like--egg and cheese in an English muffin with mayonnaise and mustard.

It used to drive her crazy.

Hindi daw bagay.

I made her try it and she gagged tapos niluwa.

Kung catsup daw baka puwede pa.

"Well, sorry ka na lang. I don't like catsup." I said to myself out loud habang nakaparada sa parking lot para kumain.

I also ordered a large cup of coffee with lots of cream and even more sugar.

Ito ang isa pang bagay na binago niya sa akin.

Ako daw ba mismo ang naghahanap nang diabetes?

Dahil if that's what I'm doing, at the rate of how I'm adding more sugar sa kape, baka before I reach the age of thirty five, diabetic na ako.

I got my heart broken again before I reached that age.

Thankfully, I'm still not diabetic.

There was one other thing na ginawa ko now that I'm alone in the car.

I turned the music up.

I thought that if I tuned in to a radio station, there was a lesser chance of hearing our song.

But what do you know?

I was halfway through with the sandwich nang biglang tugtugin ang soundtrack nang Pretty Woman.

I almost bit my tongue when I heard the drum beat intro.

Kate loved that movie.

She also liked Richard Gere.

I only watched it for Julia.

I didn't even care about the story.

For the third time in the last three hours since I woke up, I took another deep breath then changed the station.

Ayokong marinig ang kanta.

Desidido na ako that today is the beginning of a better life.

Ito ang araw na I will have control over my heart and my pain.

Aayusin ko ang sarili ko, aayusin ko ulit ang buhay ko at hindi ako magpapatalo sa sakit na dala ng pag-alis ni Kate.

I will not allow that song, our song, to ruin my plans.

When I think about it, that song was sad and painful.

Why did we choose that to be the soundtrack of our ill fated relationship?

Hindi ko natapos ang sandwich.

I put it back in the brown bag then switched on the ignition to go to the office.

Malimit umulan dito sa Calgary kapag spring.

Habang nagmamaneho, ang I pushed down the wiper control.

When I stopped at a right light, napalingon ako sa katabing truck.

The woman on the passenger seat was looking at me.

Her curly hair was voluminous and blonde.

Nakakunot ang noo at nagtataka ang itsura niya.

I turned away and look ahead.

Wala palang ulan.

I switched off the wipers.

This is the day when I start winning.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko habang mabilis na pinapahid ang luha.

Pagdating ko sa parking lot nang opisina namin, nakita ko agad si Brenda.

Siya ang closest ko friend ko sa work.

Nakaupo siya sa wooden bench at nagsisigarilyo habang nakatutok ang mata sa hawak na cellphone.

She wore a hot pink puffer jacket dahil it was still chilly outside.

Ang sakit sa mata ng kulay nang jacket niya.

Pinatay ko ang makina at inalis ang seatbelt.

Kinuha ko ang backpack sa passenger seat at bago pa ako makababa ay nakita kong tumayo si Brenda, sinuot ang mask at naglakad papalapit sa sasakyan.

Weird.

Usually, hinihintay niya akong makalapit bago alisin ang atensiyon sa hawak na cellphone.

Tsaka kapag nakita niya ako, babatiin niya ako ng isang malamyang morning.

Siya ang huling tao na gusto mong makita sa umaga lalo na kapag depressed ka.

But I like Brenda.

There was one other thing I found strange once makalapit siya.

Hindi niya ako binati ng walang kasigla-sigla.

Baka nag-away na naman sila ng asawa niya.

"Jack," Tumigil siya sa likod nang sasakyan.

"Good morning," Ang laki ng smile ko behind my mask.

Pilit.

Dahil determinado ako na walang negative energy na kokontra sa gusto kong gawing pagbabago, kailangang i-project ko ang gusto kong mangyari by smiling ang thinking happy thoughts.

Kahit pa pilit at masakit sa panga.

Bumuntong-hininga siya.

Mabigat ang dating sa akin.

Naramdaman ko agad ang heaviness nang aura niya.

Pero lalo akong nagulat sa susunod na ginawa niya.

Hindi kasama sa restrictions ang contact lalo na nang mga magkakaibigan or pamilya but to be safe, we practice social and physical distancing.

Nauso ang air and virtual hugs.

Instead of high fives, self five na lang.

Imbes na fist bump, elbow bump took its place.

But today, Brenda broke the rules.

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit.

Bigla akong kinabahan.

With the nervous feeling and her unusual gesture, I saw my determination to be tough and strong slipping right before my eyes.

What the hell happened now?