You saved me, I'll save you

My eyes land on the letter sitting on the table. I reach over and pick it up.

It was entirely covered in dried blood.

"You never ever failed to look beautiful, little lamb."

Who the fuck is mentally retarded enough to do this? I blink rapidly.

Sighing in frustration, I take my phone out. I click a picture of it for evidence. I should call the police but it's not an option for me.

What if I'm being threatened because they think I was involved? But Carl's men don't know about me. The police threatened me only because they suspected I was hiding him.

Which, I was.

But I wasn't arrested. I was only brought in as a suspect. Because they had no proof? No proof of Shane hiding at my house, but 'proof' of him murdering innocent people? How good can you be at fabricating evidence?

I frantically brush my hair. My head feels like it will explode from the relentless flood of questions. Moestie jumps up on my lap and starts biting on my wrist.

I pat the Scottish Fold's back affectionately. "My little wittle potato sack," I lift her in the air. I wouldn't have survived if she wasn't here. I wrap my arms around her neck and pepper her with kisses all over. She meows softly as I hug her tightly, perhaps a bit too much for her comfort. So incredibly grateful to have you by my side.

Walking through the streets of Brooklyn, my clothes clung to my body and my hair stuck to my face.
It was pouring.
It was well after midnight, there wasn't a single soul in sight.
The streets were shrouded in darkness.
Just like the shadows in my mind.
I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.
The droplets of rain blend with my tears and I'm glad for it.
Even though there's no one around.
And no one can stop my tears from falling right now.
Not even you, papa.

Even after moving here, the incident hasn't stopped following me. Haunting me. It follows wherever I go, wherever I hide. No matter what I do.
I sob and clench my fists to keep my hands from trembling. Some cars pass by, the drivers looking at me and mumbling something. I keep walking. I'm in too much pain to pay attention to what they're saying.

After walking for what felt like hours, my legs had given out.

Goosebumps began to prickle all over my body as my eyes peered down the bridge, the darkness below looming ominously.

This is it.

The rain was pelting down hard as I stood firm on the railing. Visibility was almost nonexistent in this thick darkness. My heart was racing, threatening to explode from my rib cage.

I look up into the sky. Beads of water hit my face, trickling down my temples in a cascade.

This is it.

The past will not haunt me anymore. I don't have to walk down the streets and pretend everything's going to be okay. I don't have to pretend that I'm normal. That I'm okay. I no longer have to wake up and force myself to fit into a world that was never meant for me. I don't have to live a life where it's all play pretend.

I don't have to be reminded of what I did. Of the damage I've inflicted. I don't have to be a bad daughter anymore.

I don't have to live another day knowing I killed them.

This is it.

I shut my eyes. It's almost peaceful.

So painful yet so peaceful.

I smile.

My legs tremble forward slowly, my hands rising into the air.

I'm so close.

Do it.

My whole body shudders as I'm suddenly jolted out of my trance by a faint noise. My eyes open and my head turns around.

I ignore it and shut my eyes once again.

The noise recurs.

My eyes slowly open. I turn around once again. It's pouring heavily by now and I can barely see anything.

I look forward. And look back once again. The noise has gotten higher. It feels like I'm in a pit, trying to get out but falling deeper and deeper as I try harder and harder.

The noise is continuous and gets higher with each passing second.

I remain still for a whole minute, debating everything in my head.

Wiping the tears that were falling down my cheeks with the back of my hands, I take a step back down. The noise is very low. I look around for the source, trying to locate it.
"Where are you?" I scream into the abyss, my voice muffled by the rain. It grows louder as though it hears me. I turned right in the direction it seemed to be coming from.

I slowly follow it.

It becomes louder and louder as I get closer and closer. My eyes dart over to the bushes.

And then, my eyes land on something.

I slowly walk up to the bushes, my whole body shivering as I do.

A low gasp escapes my lips when I spot a tiny kitten lying underneath.

It was so little.

It looked sick and cold.

I reach out and gently brush its face with my trembling fingers. It looks so weak.

Another tear falls down my cheek.

I carefully pick it up with my trembling hands, taking care not to harm it, and gently cover it with my palms.

It looks just a few days old.

I look around for the mother or other cats, but I can't find any.

Was it left alone?
To die?

☽

After reaching back home, I rush to my room. Placing a bannock basket on top of my pillow, I lay down a folded cotton cloth in it. I glance at the time. Three in the morning.

After putting the tiny kitten into the basket, I cover it with a few of my clothes. I adjusted the heater to make sure the room was warm.

I go to bed and cover the basket with my blanket.

The first thing I do when I get up the next morning is check on it. Something tugs at my heartstrings when I realise it looks the same as it did a few hours before.

Worse if possible.

I take it to a veterinarian.

She says that if I had arrived a second late, it would not have made it.

She asked me where I found it and what I was planning to do with it. I explained to her how it was sick and cold in the middle of the night. In a thunderstorm. That it was left alone, to die.

And I had no idea what I was going to do with it.

"It's a girl." Dr Stevens had said.

"How about you take it home and take care of it for a while then we'll see if it can be up for adoption? Or, you can leave it here and I'll make sure to take proper medical care.
Right now, I can't guarantee anything as it's too weak but I can call you in when it's in a much better state.

But it's a lot of medical bills." She said hesitantly.

"I don't care about the money," I look up. "Just make sure she gets better."

The next few days passed painfully slow. I visited the clinic every day to see how she was doing. She was getting better. Very slowly.

There was still hope.

At this point, it felt like she was the only reason I woke up each morning. Skipping my meals, I sprint to the clinic, observing her for hours.
Nurses used to think I was jobless for spending most of my time with a kitten the whole day. They were tired of seeing me in their clinic every single day.

But I couldn't care less.

Even though I had almost no money for myself, for food, I didn't care how much money had gone towards medical bills.

All I wanted was for her to recover as soon as possible.

I felt obsessed.

After a painfully slow month of clinic rounds, I went to check up again. The doctor greets me with a smile.

"She's so much better now." Was all she had said.

I felt myself genuinely smile after a long, long while.

It was worth it.

"You made the right choice to have it treated, I wouldn't guarantee it would be here if it wasn't taken care of professionally," Dr Stevens says.

"May I see?"

She smiles and nods, guiding me to the shelter. I've been here so many times I know my way all around.

We get inside the shelter. There were so many cats.

Mischievous and shy, loud and silent, strong and weak.

But none of them can match my tiny baby.

When my eyes finally land on her, my heart skips a beat. She is resting in a mini cage that was built especially for her. It was the tiniest one in the room. I slowly walk up to it. I felt like a parent meeting an adopted child for the first time- nervous, yet filled with anticipation.

Sitting down on the ground, I unlock the cage. I carefully wrap my hands around her tiny frame, picking her up in my hands. A huge grin forms on my face.

She's sleeping soundly.

She looks so peaceful.

How beautiful.

I could watch her for eternity.

At this moment, life felt worth living.

I'm not sure how long I stared, but it was far too long.

The doctor coughs. "What do you want to do with her?"

I turn around and look up at her.

What do I want to do with her?

Dr Stevens arches her brows, waiting for my response.

"I'll give you some time to think about it," she notices the hesitancy on my face and gives me a warm smile before walking away.

☽

I thought about it. I thought about it for a whole hour.

How can I take care of an animal when I can't take care of myself?
When I didn't even have money for myself?

But when my eyes landed on its face, the thought of leaving it alone made me feel... empty. Almost torturous.

I felt like it had become a part of me...

But I couldn't possibly adopt her. I can't even look after myself.

"Have you decided?" Dr Stevens enters the shelter.

I nod and get up.

"You can put her up for adoption."

"Are you sure?" Her brows arch in surprise. "I thought you wanted to take her home, what changed?"

I look down at the tiny baby sleeping soundly in the palm of my hands.

So fragile.

"I can't take care of her."

"Don't say-"
"Dr Stevens," I interrupt her. She looks at me hesitantly.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I look away.

"As you wish, Ms. White." She asks a nurse to put her back in the cage. The nurse gently takes her from my grasp, igniting a pang of guilt within my heart. But it's for the better.

She will have a better owner and a better life than I ever could offer.

"Follow me, you need to sign some papers," Dr Stevens says.

I'm filling out a form when I notice the 'name' field and my mind goes blank.

"Have you decided on a name?" She asks.
My brows furrow as I think.

I smile in satisfaction when I finally find the one.

Moestie.

☽

I'm lying in my bed but I can't sleep. I turned and tossed for hours. It was impossible. I couldn't stop thinking about her.

Is she doing okay?

Are they feeding her properly?

Is she adopted yet?

If so, by who?

Did I make the right choice?

It took every nerve in my body to leave her alone in the hospital. But she'll find the right owner. Which couldn't be me.

Right?

I groan. I don't care right now.

I rush out of bed, grab my phone, and put my coat on. It's five in the morning. The clinic opens at eight. I can wait for three hours.

I arrive at my destination after a morning train ride and a fifteen-minute walk in the chilly weather. It was freezing, and my hands and cheeks were numb from the cold.

I let out an exhale as I looked at the closed sign. I checked the time and it was fifteen minutes past six.

I have to wait.

☽

"Hello!" I feel a tap on my shoulder. My eyes slowly flutter open. I look around to find myself sitting on the stone-cold ground of the clinic.

There was a larger crowd than usual today. My brows furrow in confusion and my gaze is drawn to a large poster hung at the entrance.

'Adopt to save a life'

Wait. The clinic wasn't supposed to be open for adoptions anytime soon.

My eyes widen.

"Are you alright, lady?" An old woman looks down at me. I look up at her and get back on my feet. My heart beats wildly as I run inside, pushing people aside as I pass by.

"Watch where you're going!" Someone yelled.

Moestie is the only one on my mind right now.

Please be there.

Please don't leave.

Don't leave me.

Don't leave me.

Please don't leave me.

After some torturous minutes of sprinting, I arrive at the shelter and rush to where her cage usually sits. A flood of emotions wash over me when I find it missing.

My breathing turns erratic as I look around in despair.

I search cage after cage.

Most of them are empty.

I look around for minutes.

I violently shift the boxes.

People start to form.

Security has been called.

They are coming at me.

They grab my arms and drag me away.

I scream and fight against their grasp.

"Stop!" My eyes well up with tears as I yell.

Everyone's looking at me.

They think I'm crazy.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am crazy.

I'm mad.

They're just here for the show.

"What's happening here?!" I hear a voice.

Dr Stevens rushes towards us. Her eyes widen as she looks at me. "Ms. White, what's wrong?! Leave her right now!" She shouts at the guards. They drop me. I lunge forward, desperate to speak, but the air is thick and suffocating, making it hard to breathe.

Her face tenses up at my demeanour, looking at me in shock/confusion/panic.

"Ms. White, what's wrong?!"

"M-m-moestie, where is she?" I manage to blurt out, my vision blurry.

"She's in the examination roo-"

I push past her and run as fast as my legs can take me.

I slam open the door of the room.

A sob escaped my lips when I saw her on the metal bed, slowly attempting to walk. A wave of relief instantly washes over me. I run up to her and hold her in my hands.

"Thank God," I whisper. "You stayed..."

"Ms. White, what is happening?" I hear Dr Stevens' voice from the entrance. I quickly wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face uncontrollably. I turn around, Moestie in my hand. Stevens looks down at her and back up at me.

"I," I look around, my voice hoarse from all the screaming. "I-"

"You couldn't leave her," she speaks.

I stare at her, not knowing what to say. I nod slowly and look away.

She nods and takes a step forward. "You must know that a family already has their eyes on her."

I look up.

"You're not- you're not going to let them have her. Right...?" I'm numb. She plays with Moestie for a moment and then meets my eyes.

"I don't think she'll have a better owner than you, Ms. White."

"What do you mean?"
"It means you get to have her."

I chuckle loudly when I think back to those days.
God, I was such a mess.

It's been five years since Moestie came into my life and I have been so lucky to have her with me. She's a part of me.

I'm sitting on the rooftop balcony of my apartment. I like to sit here at night when the wind sweeps through my hair, its force wild and untamed. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, taking in the beautiful view of the park in the dark.

It's too late. I return to my feet and decide to head back.

Entering my bedroom, a smile spreads across my face when I see Moestie curled up and sleeping soundly on my pillow.

Turning the lights off, I slowly walk up to the bed and tug her in with me.

"I wouldn't be here right now if you weren't there that day.

Thank you for saving my life, Moestie."

  ☽

Okay is a book really a book without a little background story? I dedicate this chapter to Moestie 'cause if I can't have cats in real life, I'm gonna have them in my imagination at least. I've been begging my mum for a cat since I was three but she would rather throw me into a lake full of piranhas than let me have one.
I would love to know your thoughts on this chapter.
If you liked it, please consider giving it a vote.
Thank you so much for reading! (:

-A