“You would never find the same high you found in me.” - Charlotte Winston, It Was Always You.

Songs for the chapter: Sandcastles - Beyonce
                                    Lay Me Down - Sam Smith
                                    Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion
                                    The Scientist - Coldplay

Chapter Forty-Eight: High

Why am I such a fuckup?

This was the question Daniel kept asking himself for days. How could he not have seen it?

10 years. 10 fucking years and he had no idea his best friend was in love with him. For years, he's asked her for relationship advice, how he could get girls easily, what girls liked, what they hated, how they liked certain things and she'd indulged him.

With a smile on her face.

Every fucking time.

He'd had no idea that it was killing her inside all those times.

And when he'd gotten with Abby...fuck.

Those times when he'd brag about scoring this girl or that girl... Then he'd always made sure she knew the details of his late nights activities, no matter how much or how hard she whined about not being interested. And when he'd first had sex with Abby, that must have been killer. Char had listened with such attentiveness he was somewhat shocked, but went on anyway.

Not to even talk of when he'd married her.

Char was the strongest woman he'd ever met in his entire twenty six years of living.

He couldn't even begin to imagine what he would have done if it had been him. He'd have killed Abby a long time ago, sure thing.
He couldn't stand the thought of someone else being with someone he loved, much less touching her.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Everything was coming into place now. Those things that didn't make sense, why Char wasn't at the wedding, why she cut off all ties and connection with him, why she ignored him all those years, everything was making sense now.

Oh Lord, why she was beyong mad that he'd been with that Cynthia girl.

Why she'd ran out crying, why she hadn't wanted to talk to him, or even see him.

So many why's passed through his head and he didn't even know where to begin.

Why am I such a fuckup?

Char had been in love with him all this time and he'd gone and married the person that she hated most. She'd even hung out with them sometimes, much to her dismay, on his terms. She'd tried to be happy for them, when deep down inside she was feeling like she'd been stabbed a dozen times.

How much of a fuckup could I possibly be?

He didn't know what to do. That was the truth of it. Char's words were echoing inside him, over and over. And he didn't know what to do.

“Don't you get it, you moron? I'm in love with you. Have been for ten years so just imagine how I felt when you left me so many years ago.”

“I'm fucking in love with you and I don't know how to live without you and now you've gone and ruined me like the first time wasn't enough.”

“I love you.”

He rubbed his jaw as he was sat on the back deck of his parents house. He hadn't even remembered to shave in four days. Hell, he wasn't even supposed to be in Kingsmille.

He hated the thought of Char being in pain because of something he had done. Or not done. He couldn't stand it.

The image of Char listening to him as he gave her the full, well detailed description of his first night with Abby popped into his head. She'd frowned when she was supposed to frown and laughed when she was supposed to laugh.

Then she'd gone home that night and cried herself to sleep. Because of him. Over him.

“Shit. Shit.”

He had no idea how to sort out his feelings. Guit and fear and regret and sadness, all mixed up together.

He hadn't known. Had never even had a clue. If he had, he would have—

What would he have done?

He put his head between his hands.

What would he have done? What would have happened if Char had declared herself years ago during that long hot summer when they'd been fourteen and he'd been thinking and dreaming about her? Would he still have been with Abby?

He closed his eyes as a cascade of possibilities flashed across his mind, a whole alternative life.

After a moment he opened his eyes again.

The truth was that he would never know. It was Abby he'd fallen in love with and it was Abby he married.

And it was Abby who'd betrayed him. It was Abby he was divorced.

He couldn't go back, and honestly he didn't want to. Even though things had not turned out great with Abby, the two of them had had their moments. He'd been happy, definitely, for some of their time together. He had loved her.

But their marriage was over now and he was free to find a way forward. A new future.

And Char loved him.

Charlee loved him.

Char, whose firm, warm little body had been obsessing him all month. Char, whom he'd loved wholeheartedly as his great friend since before he even understood what the word meant. Char, who could always make him laugh, who could infuriate him and challenge him like no other, who had shared so much with him.

He scrubbed his face with his hands, suddenly understanding the full import of Char's visit this evening. She'd declared herself to him. After ten years. And she'd been expecting an answer. A response.

She'd wanted to know what he felt. What he wanted. If their friendship was to remain a friendship or something more.

He loved Char. That was a given. He desired her. But Char didn't just want sex from him. She wanted a relationship, a future. Not exactly your typical dating situation. In fact, it took the concept of performance anxiety to a whole new level. Every word, every action, every emotion would be loaded with ten tears of expectation, anticipation, and history.

He was a divorced man. A very different man from the twenty-one-year old baby doctor who'd exchanged vows with his teen love four years ago. His riage and breakup and divorce had left the inevitable marks on him. He wouldn't be human if they hadn't. He was angry and a bit bitter. Hurt. He suspected it might be hard for him to trust again, to take someone at their word.

There were so many things that could go wrong. So many things that might not match up. That was what it all came down to in the end: the potential for disaster. More than anything, he didn't want to disappoint or hurt Char.

And her text. Oh Lord, her text. She was right.

“You would never find the same high you found in me.”

She'd hit the nail right on the head. With Char, things were different. He'd been with so many women, with different shapes and form. But none he could compare with Char. Not even Abby. She was like a magnet, drawing him closer with each step. The little time he'd been with her, he'd craved her. Badly. No woman had ever made him want so much.

I never wanted attention. Until I tasted yours.

Char was one beautiful, kind, charming, talented, amazing woman. Probably the best he'd ever met. He never wanted anything more than to see her happy.

How then could he hurt her?

How could he look her in the eye and tell her he didn't loved her, at least not that way?

He could already picture her folded into her body on the floor, her hand clutching her chest, crying so hard her heart ached, as the words left his mouth. That was if she had any tears left to cry.

Daniel wanted to slap himself just for thinking about that.

But the pain she must have been feeling....

Yeah, definitely the strongest.

He shook his head in self pity, mentally punching himself a couple of times for bringing nothing but pain into the life of someone he cherished.

He wallowed deeply in shame, that he didn't hear Zach come into the house until he was standing directly in front of him.

Daniel raised his head, blinking as he took in the form of his friend.

Damn, he looked like me. Like shit.

He wasn't too surprised, he'd suspected that someone would come looking for him sometime soon. And Zach had been his best guess. He'd been right.

What he didn't expect, was the minute Zach pulled his fist back, hitting him square on the jaw with such strength Daniel had to blink a few times to see properly.

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