‘The heart gets confused when it is constantly told ‘I love you’ by the same person who destroys it.’

Songs for the chapter:
                                    I Wish - Waje
                                    Big Girls Cry - Sia
                                    Dangerously - Charlie Puth
                                    Have You Ever - Brandy
                                    Million Years Ago - Adele
                                    Amnesia - 5SOS
                                    Someone Like You - Adele

Chapter Fifty: Dangerously

What do you do after you've given all that you have and have nothing left to give... After you've tried and tried, and cried and cried, and that day finally comes when you realise that this is not how you want to live your life.. What do you do? You see, sometimes it's not about having the strength to hold on. It's about having the courage to let go.

Two weeks.

Two weeks and no word from or about Daniel. Char didn't even know if he was still in Kingsmille. Or Australia. And as much as she hated to admit it, she still cared.

Two weeks.

Two weeks and she hadn't stepped a foot out of her room. Where could she go? She’d been, in her own words, as lifeless as a person could be. Holed up in her room, she hadn't seen any living thing. She hadn't even heard her own voice, which was ironic because she cried everyday.

Two weeks.

Two weeks and Char could still recall how she'd spent it. That is, if you call not eating anything, not showering, and not moving, living life.

The first two days, she'd sat, staring at her phone with such intensity that if eyes could shoot lazers, they'd be ash by now. She'd expected something. A call, or maybe a text. And she was so sure he'd call. But it never came. After three days with no word from him, she'd given up.

The fourth day was when the crying started.

Who needs drugs when human emotions can fuck you up just the same?

She remembered walking to her bathroom, and standing in front of the mirror, speaking to herself.

“Heartbreak isn't beautiful. It isn't fucking poetry. It's not staying up till 4am listening to sad songs. It's breaking down in the middle of a busy street. It's seeing their face in all people you pass by. It's feeling okay for weeks at a time and all of a sudden you feel the ghost of their lips on your neck and their nails on your back and then you're choking on memories of their presence. It's waking up from dreams of them coming back and screaming in the middle of the night because your heart aches like a rotting tooth. Stop romanticizing pain. Stop using people like they're objects. A heart isn't a cigarette—you can't just light it up and then stomp it down when you're done. Don't act like anything about heartbreak is beautiful because I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.”

Who was she talking to?

Herself?

She wasn't so sure anymore.

She did it a bunch of times, talking to herself in front of the mirror.

After four days, her head felt heavy due to the non stop and she could barely hold it up anymore. She resulted to lying down, folding into her body as she held a pillow to herself. As streams of tears ran down her face, Sam Smith’s Lay Me Down played over and over in her head.

The nineth day was when she heard the voices outside her door. Not that she hadn't been hearing them, she'd been too numb to care. Now her head was aching and all the heavy, loud knocks and shouts were doing nothing to relieve her of the pain.

“Charlotte, honey, please open up,”she heard her mother's soft voice sob, and although she didn't want to feel, the memories of what happened the first time Daniel left her flooded her mind and for a fraction of a minute, she understood her mother's pain. Watching your daughter go through heartbreak twice, was not very appealing. “Baby,” this came out as a whisper, and Char was surprised she even heard it.

She opened her mouth to talk but nothing came out.

“Someone get me Daniel Luke Miller!” Char heard Ryan roar, and she could only imagine the steams that must've been coming out of his ears. “When I get my hands on him,” she heard his growl again and she was actually scared for Daniel. Ryan Fabian Winston was not someone to mess with, “He's friggin dead meat!”

The next person to talk was Zach. She didn't want to talk to him, and all she wanted to go out there and punch the air out of him, repeatedly. But she also knew he was sorry.

“Charlotte, love. I'm not going to say that I understand what you're going through, because I really don't. But what I do know is that we all love you, every single one of us and it pains us deeply to see you like this,” he chuckled humorlessly, “Well, we haven't actually seen you because you won't open this goddamn door.”

It was silent for a while and Char wondered what he was doing.

Then she heard it.

He was kicking the door.

Char scrunched her face up in confusion. Why was he kicking the door?

Until it hit her.

He was trying to break down the door.

She wanted to laugh at the sheer stupidity of the idea but she couldn't find the strength.

“Ouch! Ouch! Fuck this shit. Ouch!” she heard him cursed and a small smile graced her face. “My goddamn toe. That idiot will pay for this.”

She wanted to ask what he meant but she knew she couldn't.

Seconds later, she heard him sigh as he sank to the ground.

“One day you'll meet a guy, and ultimately, he's going to find out. How you chew, how you sip, how you dance, how you smell at every point in the day. How your face looks underneath your makeup. How you love chocolate, strawberries and SpongeBob, how you can be hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy. How crancky you can get when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all your photos, he's going to know everything about you. And you know what? He's going to love you.”

Char cried.

Char cried like she'd never cried before. And she was positive that Zach heard her because his next words confirmed it.

“Cry. Cry as much as you want to. Just remember that you deserve better and when you stop, make sure you never cry again for the same reason.”

Char cried even harder. For herself and for Zach.

Those were the same words Cat had said to her days ago. Her friends were hurting each other and they didn't even know it.

It wasn't that hard to notice that whenever Zach was around, Cat wasn't. It was like they were both avoiding each other, or rather Cat was avoiding him.

When she did come, it was almost 11 in the evening. She didnt knock and Char had almost drifted off to sleep. It was little vague sobbing sounds that alerted her.

“I went to the club today. I don't know what happened but it just didn't feel right. I miss you, Char, so much.” Sobs.

Then it occurred to Char that she'd been selfish. While she wallowed in self pity, her best friend was drinking herslef to stupor every night. And all she needed, was someone to talk to. She considered getting up and going to meet her, but even the idea sounded crazy to her ears. How could she help someone suffering from the same wounds as her when she hadn't helped herself yet?

“Dustin has finally picked a date for the wedding. It's on the 29th of April. And for the first time, I get to be the bridesmaid. I'd really like it if you'd come.” she sniffed. “Char, I've been thinking, this whole wedding thing gave me so many crazy ideas. What do you think I'd be like if we had a double wedding? It'd be amazing.” Cue the heartbreaking laughter. “But all that is gone, because the men in our lives have proved to be huge ass motherfuckers.”

Char smiled.

“Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up, changed, and rearranged to relocate us to the place we are meant to be. Reddy made me realise this. So yeah, it's entirely up to you to choose how you want to live your life: standing strong and firm, or locked up in there being miserable.”

That was the last she'd heard from her.

On the twelfth day, what she'd been waiting for for an entire month came. Her phone rang, and she snatched it up quickly thinking it was him, but when it was an unknown number, she couldn't tell if she was disappointed or excited.

Her thumb swiped at the screen to answer and she held the phone to her ear, “Hello,” she said, but it came out more as a squeak so she cleared her throat and tried again. “Hello,” she said with more volume.

“Yeah, speaking.” she clutched the phone tighter.

No more bad news, please.

“Oh. Okay. Thanks.” she let out.

“Yeah, I'm fine, just great.”

“Thanks again. I'll make sure to be there. Bye.”

The call disconnected and Char stared at the phone in her hand. She'd been waiting for this for a while now so why wasn't she happy?

At once she was up, walking to her mirror. Her stomach ached because she hadn't eaten anything for days but that didn't mean she had an appetite. Slowly she moved across the room to her mirror and stood in front of it, taking in her horrible appearance.
Her eyes were the ugliest shade of blue she'd ever seen, and that wasn't because she hadn't slept recently. They were lifeless, soulless. She had big black circles under her eyes and she looked somewhat like Po from Kungfu Panda. Her hair was sticking out on all places, strands entangled into another. Her neckline was thinner, making her collarbone pop out. She looked like she belonged in an asylum.

Her eyes watered and she tried to blink back the tears. She stared into her eyes. They were bloodshot red from all the crying she'd done and her head still ached.

“Yes, I saw her crying. Yes, I saw her clutch her chest and wail in pain. Yes, I saw the scars, blood lining up creating a crimson maze. Yes, I saw her empty and broken eyes, that filled up with everything fake to match to to people's expectations of her. Yes, I saw her tragically beautiful mind, that held nothing but pure loathing for herself. Yes, I saw those tear tracks, ones she'd tried so damn hard to cover but failed. Yes, I saw the most incredible potential to love in those eyes, but also of someone extremely guarded and scared to give someone that much power over her. Yes, I saw this when I looked at my reflection in the mirror.”

There was only one question in her head: how was she going to get over this?

Because she didn't know how to say she was broken without feeling needy.

She didn't know how to open up without feeling judged.

She didn't know how to cry when her tears felt like acid.

She just wanted him to see that she was hurting without her telling him, because her words were bleeding out of her mouth, waiting for him to stitch her up and make her fine although she knew that was not his job and he was better off without her.

She just needed him to see her one last time.

She shook her head in pity.

“I really did love you dangerously,” she whispered in the air.

If she even did see him again for the last time, she didn't know what to say. Maybe she did, but she had a lot to pick from. It'd probably go like this.

So...here's the deal...
Even after everything, I'm still in love with you. I still love you every second of every day and still miss you beyond words. I miss making you smile. I miss feeling you close to me and looking at you. I miss being able to just love you. But I have to get over you and let you go no matter how hard it is. I want to fall in love again, and I will. This time it won't be with the same person or thing, it will be with my own life. I will love it, unconditionally and without fear. I will love it even though it's without you. I will create my own path to happiness and I won't waste one second on regret.

Simply, I will love it the way I loved you.