Chapter 24: I'm Sorry

I couldn't speak because of shock after knowing that I just had a miscarriage...

Parang ayaw ko pang maniwala noong una. Ayaw kong tanggapin. Hindi ko matanggap na wala na ang baby ko nang ganoon lang...

But then I can only blame myself for what happened.

It was my fault. I failed to properly take care of myself while I was pregnant and had the miscarriage... Knowing that I was pregnant I should've been more careful. Kaya wala akong ibang masisisi kung 'di ang sarili ko lang din...

"Zephaniah..." Mommy held my hand that was resting near my stomach and looked at me sadly.

Kanina pa lang ako nagising at nalaman ko na rin ang nangyari. Because that was my main concern the moment I woke up. Kaya nagtanong kaagad ako ng tungkol sa baby ko. And I was told that I just lost my supposedly yet to be born child...

I feel empty now. Damang-dama ko na may nawala sa akin. Nasasaktan ako pero hindi agad ako nakaiyak kanina nang malaman ko. Natulala pa lang ako pagkatapos marinig ang sinabi sa akin ng doctor na nakunan nga raw ako. At ngayon pa lang tumulo ang luha ko...

"I'm so sorry, hija..." Tumayo si Mommy sa upuan niya para aluin ako at hagkan ang noo ko.

She said that daddy and Kiah were still talking to the doctor...

And then shortly after I went home from the hospital, Noah came in our house.

Hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kaniya...

I couldn't answer his calls that's why probably he just went here. Nakita ko siya na nakaupo roon sa mahabang sofa ng living room namin nang babain ko na rin siya matapos akong ipatawag ni Mommy kay Manang. Tumayo si Noah nang makita niya ako.

"Zeph... You're not answering your phone so I decided to come..." He said.

"What are you doing here?"

Pareho kami na napabaling ni Noah sa kay daddy na kakauwi lang sa bahay.

Pagkatapos ay nagalit pa si daddy kay Noah. Because he thought na nag-away nga kami talaga ni Noah that's why he didn't know yet that I was pregnant. Or maybe daddy thought I was hesitant in letting Noah know...

And at first Noah didn't fully understand daddy's anger towards him. Alam kong apektado lang din si daddy sa nangyari sa akin at sa pagkawala ng baby ko...

"I love your daughter, Sir." Noah said to my dad.

Napatingin din ako sa kaniya pagkatapos ng sinabi niya.

"We may have had some misunderstandings but I would do my best to fix it." Pagkatapos ay tumingin din siya sa akin at nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Inisip na rin pala niya na hindi nga kami ganoon ka-okay nitong mga nakaraan...

Pagkatapos ay pinagsabihan na rin ni Mommy si daddy na huwag na niyang pagalitan pa si Noah at hayaan na muna kaming dalawa na mapag-isa roon para makapag-usap.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Mommy. Bago siya umalis doon at sinama na niya si daddy.

At naiwan kaming dalawa lang ni Noah roon. And to give us more privacy I asked him na sa may garden na lang kami sa labas mag-usap.

"Zeph, I know that we had little problems and misunderstandings the last time. And I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be more considerate of your feelings, because I got busy handling our business, too. But I want to know how you feel. I've been wanting to know and to really talk to you... And let me make up for it now..." He said.

Binalingan ko si Noah nang nasa gitna na kami ng magandang hardin ni Mommy sa bahay namin. It's a beautiful garden. But my feelings right now isn't as pretty as this place. Nasasaktan ako ngayon at nagluluksa pa sa anak ko.

"Noah... I have something to tell you..." Halos mabasag na agad ang boses ko pagkasalita ko pa lang.

Noah was looking at me and waiting. "What is it?"

"I was... I was pregnant, Noah..." I bravely said. Finally ay nasabi ko na rin sa kaniya pero huli na.

His lips parted and his eyes slowly grew wide. Nabigla siya sa sinabi ko at halos hindi pa alam ang sasabihin niya pagkatapos. "Y-You are..."

Tumango ako. "But just the other day I was rushed to the hospital... Noah, I lost the baby. I lost our child." I said it as if emotionless.

He remained looking at me. He was still shocked. I told him all at once. So I understand...

"What are you saying... Why are you doing this, Zeph..." Umiling siya na parang hindi naniniwala o hindi niya alam ang gagawin at paano ipoproseso ang mga nalaman niya ngayon lang...

"I'm sorry, Noah..." I can only say to him now.

"What... How... You're pregnant... Since when? Why didn't you tell me, Zeph?"

At nang mukhang matauhan na rin siya sa pagkabigla ay parang doon na rin nag-sink in sa kaniya that I just lost our child. And it was due to my carelessness so I'd accept it if he's going to be mad at me now...

Napatango lang ako sa kaniya. "I couldn't tell you... I didn't." It was even harder now to explain. Ang totoo n'yan ay parang wala na akong pakialam ngayon kung magalit man sa akin si Noah at lalo pang hindi maayos ang relasyon namin...

Parang gusto ko na lang makalimot...

"Zeph!" He held both my shoulders to wake me up.

Napatingin naman ako sa kaniya sa harapan ko. "I'm sorry..." I could only manage to sa to him.

Umiling siya sa akin. "What happened?"

"Wala na nga, Noah... Wala nang baby... It's my fault..." Halos wala pa ako sa sarili habang nagsasalita.

Nakaawang ang labi ni Noah sa harapan ko habang nakatingin sa akin at naghihintay sa isasagot ko pa sa kaniya. Pero hindi na ako makausap nang maayos... "What did you do?" Until he asked me a question.

Pero napatingin lang ako sa kaniya at hindi na sumagot pa. It's okay if he will just blame me for what happened. Sinisisi ko rin naman ang sarili ko.

And then Noah left and he looked angry... It's okay. It's okay for him to feel anger towards me...

"I'm sorry..." I muttered quietly before tears fell from my eyes again. And I was left alone there standing in the center of the garden.