Chole's  POV:

     I sobbed when Nathaniel brought up marriage. The subject made me uncomfortable because of my past. I have come a long way since then.   I could not bear the thought of marrying him. 

    It was not because of the lack of love either. I knew I loved him and he loved me. That was clear, but the trouble was all those times when my ex betrayed me with the insults, the attacks, and worst of all when he took my virginity from me. He had not asked, he had forced me to have sex with him four times.

   I hated that I could promise to give someone the sexual intimacy they deserved because I despised my ex for what he had done. I hated him and I hated sex to be honest. How was I supposed to be able to visualize a solid marriage?  I was a broken woman.

     I barely got the courage to start dating again.

      I did not mean to be so emotional when Nath brought up this topic, but it made me feel even more like a broken vessel.  That is why I had told him I couldn't marry him. It was because I could expect him to accept me and have a marriage with no sex. I could not do that to him because I was sure it would torture him. 

     I love him too much to cause him that kind of pain. So, for now, I am okay with the dating scene. I am not sure if I will ever be able to give him all he desires and wants from me. What if he starts to hate me because I refuse to marry him? Then, what?

      For now, he feels bad that he even mentioned it, I can tell because he wiped away my tears and apologized for saying a word about it.  I can tell he acts like it does not bother him, but I know it does. I am sure eventually, I will either have to break our hearts by dumping him or he will have to find a new girl who will be more than happy to marry him and have his children.

        I am grateful to have him in my life. I am not sure how long we will be together. I try not to think about it.  I will have to see where life takes us. One step, one lone step at a time.

          Sarah did not say anything to me when her grandpa dropped her off. She could tell I had been crying, but she did not question me. Instead, she smiled at Nathaniel and me, and said, "Mom, and Dad, whatever is I am sure you can work it out." She mostly spoke in his direction. 

          I was glad she was too young to understand. I did not want to have to explain it to her. No woman should ever have to go through what I did. I realize I am blessed to be alive. Blessed to have a daughter, and blessed to have a boyfriend.

             Yes, I am blessed above all else. I am blessed beyond all measure. I am blessed.

  Find out more in Chapter 40

  Until then,

bye-bye,

little owlets!

Summer out!

*Author's note: Chole's recent flashbacks will explain more about her turning down any thoughts of marrying Nathaniel or anyone else. Those will be included in some of the future chapters.