Han's voice had sounded like a mirage. Minho felt his heart stop.
Did the boy want his company? Did Jisung want to go home with him?
The younger had lowered his gaze and was torturing his fingers waiting for an answer. It was so hard for him to say that kind of words.
«Sure» Minho was quick to say and smiled, trying to mask his astonishment. He didn't want to make the other feel weird.
Han didn't take his eyes off the floor, too embarrassed to risk meeting the other's gaze. Minho stood next to him and they started walking together towards Jisung's house, as they used to do every night before.
The younger looked down at their hands. Those were so close, they were barely touching, swaying as the two boys walked. He missed feeling his hand in Minho's warm one, but he was too shy to take the first step.
They walked in silence, a slight embarrassment hung in the air, but they both wanted to enjoy that renewed calm, both happy to have each other by their side again. There was hope, right?
When Han glimpsed his house at the end of the street, he glanced at Minho, who was walking serenely. He didn't want the older to leave already, he didn't want to sleep alone again, to sleep without him.
He blushed at his thoughts and looked back at the asphalt flowing beneath his feet.
Could he really ask him to stay? And how?
"Hey, Minho, we haven't spoken in two months, but would you sleep with me?"
Of course he couldn't say that.
He sighed silently and soon after he found himself in front of his garden gate. He raised his head, finally meeting those sweet eyes and, even though they looked tired, Han could see a flash of happiness in those brown irises. Minho's stars were still there.
"Please, stay" he thought, but again, he couldn't say it.
«T-thanks» was the only thing he managed to murmur, lowering his gaze.
Minho smiled kindly and patted the boy's head, caressing the soft hat that he had brought back to him.
«Good night, Sungie» he just said and, without adding anything else, he left.
. . .
The next day was very hectic at the Cafe. The holidays were approaching, people stopped at the Little Cupcake to have a snack and to warm up from the freezing days or just to have a break from the Christmas shopping. The place had been decorated, it was full of lights and red bows. Chan loved Christmas so much.
Jisung had just finished his shift, had put on his heavy down jacket and, after saying goodbye to his boss, had left the Café, shivering for the December air. He quickly zipped up his jacket and a cloud of steam left his lips. He looked up to walk home and saw him. Minho was there, waiting.
«HI!» Han exclaimed in surprise, with more enthusiasm than desired, and blushed immediately afterwards.
«Hi» Minho answered softly, loving seeing Jisung's face light up like that, «D-do you want me to... Walk you home?» he asked shyly.
Han had had a nice day, perhaps the Christmas atmosphere had a nice effect on him too, but he didn't think it could have gotten better. He smiled and nodded quickly.
He positioned himself next to Minho and, without thinking, grabbed his hand.
The older looked at their intertwined fingers with wide eyes, taken aback, and Han withdrew his hand, blushing: «S-sorry, I-»
«Why do you apologize?» Minho asked interrupting him with a smile. And it wasn't a question that needed an answer. He kindly took Jisung's hand again, carrying it in his pocket as he used to do before.
The younger remained silent, his face fully red because of the contact with that soft hand, and continued walking, holding back a smile.
When they arrived in front of the house, Han looked at the boy and swallowed visibly, his head full of doubts and fears.
Was it right to ask Minho to stay? Was it right to give him hope again? Han wasn't ready for a relationship, but the worst part was that he didn't know if he would ever have been.
He lowered his eyes in mortification, pulling their hands away, and Minho looked at him, frowning. Jisung's mood changed so quickly and Minho wished he knew what was going through that beautiful mind.
He put a finger under his chin and pulled his face up, «Are you okay?» he asked sweetly.
Han met those wonderful eyes, feeling that sensation hit him forcefully once again. The sensation he had every time he looked at that face, the feeling of being in a safe place.
"How does being with Minho make you feel?" the therapist had asked him once.
"Safe" he had replied without hesitation.
And that was the best way to describe how he felt. For many it might be trivial, feeling safe with someone who loves you, it should be obvious, right? But for Han it wasn't at all. He hadn't felt safe in so long.
"Do what you feel, Jisung" the therapist had said, "Ask yourself what you want and don't hold back"
And Han didn't know exactly what he wanted in that moment, but he knew he didn't want to let Minho go that night.
«Stay» he managed to say, almost in a whisper.
Minho heard perfectly and broke into a smile, nodding. It was all he wanted, deep down: to be with Han.
He took the younger's hand again and they walked towards the door of the house. Haru heard them enter and looked out of the kitchen.
«Minho-ya!» she screamed, immediately hugging the boy as soon as she saw him.
«You've lost weight again, my dear!» she exclaimed, worried, taking his jacket and ordering him to take off his shoes.
«It's because I don't eat the amazing things you cook» Minho joked, trying to keep the mood light.
Haru smiled, appreciating the compliment, but Han's expression had darkened again. He had just noticed Minho's lean physique and he felt responsible for it.
He knew well that Minho had suffered because of him. He knew his hell was crushing Minho too and he felt so guilty.
Minho tried to distract him from those thoughts, «Are we going to stay at the entrance?» he asked, jokingly.
Han shook his head, trying to push away the bad mood.
«Mom, call us when it's ready!» he screamed, immediately receiving a response from the kitchen, and the two boys went up to the room, waiting for dinner as they used to do.
They sat on the edge of Han's bed, who felt strange having Minho back in his room. Strange but comfortable in some way.
Minho for his part didn't want to make mistakes, he didn't want to exceed limits, but he tried to stay calm and not to show his nervousness.
«You have lost weight...» Han said, breaking the silence and looking at the other. He couldn't stop thinking about how much Minho had suffered.
The older shrugged: «More training, I think»
Han looked at the other, amazed, feeling the strong desire to hug that boy. Minho had already suffered a lot in his life and those last months he probably had suffered a lot because of him, but still he kept wanting to protect him. He didn't want to make him feel guilty.
Their eyes met again and Han remembered that evening, on that bench, when he panicked at Minho's proposal. Minho had certainly felt rejected but, despite everything, he had given him his space. He had given him space, without leaving. He was still there, still there for him.
«Min, I'm sorry» Jisung murmured, looking at the floor of his room.
The older shook his head, interrupting him. He knew what Han was referring to. That night had been bad for both of them but it wasn't anyone's fault, Han didn't have to apologize for anything.
«You don't have to be» he said in a sweet tone.
Han met his eyes, he has a serious gaze. In his irises there was a determination that Minho had never seen in him.
«Please, let me talk.»
Minho nodded, turning to him to listen better, ready to keep his mouth shut even though he knew Han would have apologized for things he wasn't to blame for.
«I'm sorry for dragging you into my personal hell when you already have your own.» Han began, indeed, «I'm sorry I ran away like that...» he added, with a sigh. His mind lost in the memories of that evening.
Minho wanted to retort but let him speak as promised. He had been waiting for this moment for weeks, wondering what Han thought, what he felt. In that moment it was finally time to get back close to the boy and know the truth.
«I'm not ready for... Something like that.» Han said, scratching his neck in embarrassment, «But...» he paused, swallowing conspicuously.
«Maybe it's selfish... But I don't want to lose you.» he finally said, almost in a whisper, looking at the covers of his bed.
Minho nodded, taking his hand and caressing it, «I don't want to either» he said. His eyes were gentle and his face serene, «And I'm fine with staying like this, I don't need anything else to be happy.» he added.
Han felt his stomach twist at those words. Minho's eyes looked at him sincere, sweet, and that moment was so... Intense.
His eyes involuntarily fell on the lips of the older one. He felt a tightness in his chest and looked away quickly.
Minho attracted him, attracted him in many different ways, but he wouldn't take any steps until he felt ready.
«I'm seeing a therapist» he confessed, to break that silence, and Minho nodded, pretending not to know, «And I want to get better. I want to heal to... Well...» he scratched his neck again, which was turning red at that point, «Give myself another chance. Give it to... Us.» he murmured, blushing.
Minho smiled and refrained from hugging the boy, «I am proud of you» he only said, still caressing the back of his hand.
Han putted his head on Minho's chest feeling a tear run down his face and the older finally held him close, burying his nose in his dark hair. His scent was divine, he had missed being able to hug him so much, being able to hold him. He wished he could love him in every way possible, but if Han wanted a friend, he would have been his friend.
«I missed you, Ji...» he whispered, caressing his hair, «Too much»
«I missed you too» Han said, starting sobbing, «I am so sorry...» he added, feeling so wrong, so damn broken that he couldn't even enjoy something beautiful.
His life had been hell and he wasn't to blame, he had accepted his fears, but he hated that his past was also ruining his present and was hurting others, above all someone as special as Minho.
And he himself was so tired of suffering. He was so angry with his life.
Minho let him cry in his arms, no longer knowing at a certain point if Han was keeping to apologize to him or to himself for all the pain that life had caused him. He continued to whisper softly to him that everything was fine, that he was not at fault, that he was there with him, until dinner was ready.
Haru's voice brought them back to the present, making them break their hug. Han pulled himself together, rinsed his face in the bathroom and they went downstairs in silence.
That evening they went back to having dinner as they used to. Less carefree perhaps but with a great desire to try being together again.
Haru tried to contain her enthusiasm at seeing them close again and Minho didn't stop throwing sweet glances at the younger, who seemed much more relaxed after that liberating cry.
When dinner was finished, Han grabbed Minho's hand under the table and asked with his lips: «Are you staying?»
Minho felt his stomach do somersaults and nodded, «If you want me»
Han looked away blushing and just nodded quickly.
The older didn't let go of his hand and they walked back to the room in silence. They took a quick shower, Minho borrowed some clothes from Han and they got back into bed, holding each other. Like they used to.
Han felt in his safe place again and wondered why, why he was trying to deprive himself of all that. Why was he so afraid? Why couldn't he be happy, when he trusted Minho so much?
«What are you thinking about?» the older asked as he drew small circles on the younger's back with his fingers.
«How good I feel like this...» Han replied, clutching the older's t-shirt.
«Ji?» Minho called him after a few moments, «Do you know that, if you want me, I'll be there? Forever?»
Han raised himself slightly to look at the other's face. He didn't nod because he struggled to believe in forever but he smiled.
He got back on Minho's chest, closed his eyes and, before falling into a deep sleep, he murmured, «I want you, Min»
Moon's note:
Hi babieeees, here I am with another chap! I hope u like it!!
How are u doing?
Who is coming to see Stray Kids at IDAYS in Milan??
Kiss
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