TW: suicide, angst

It was afternoon, classes were almost over and Minho couldn't stop thinking about when he would see Han again. Not even he knew why he had become so obsessed with that boy, but it was useless to try to deny it. It was as if making Jisung happy had become his biggest wish.

He kept entering Han's chat but not to text him. He couldn't stop looking at his profile picture. He had his new exclusive Han's photo too, and it was splendid, he had put it as phone background. But the one that Han had chosen as his profile had something special. It was a photo of Han's back, covered in baggy clothing. If it hadn't been his profile picture, no one would have recognized him.

Who had taken it? And why choose a photo that didn't show his gorgeous face?

«Minho-ssi!»

A dozen kids made their way into the rehearsal room. They were the youngest trainees in the agency and it was always so much fun to dance with them. Minho loved to see them improve, grow and have fun along the way.

«Are you ready, little dancers?» Minho asked, smiling.

.         .         .

Minho had been picking up Han at the end of the shift for three evenings. Chan smiled every time, but at least he stopped grinning. Han always had Minho find an iced Americano and a biscuit, set aside before starting to clean the bar. He also wore his new hat every day - yes, don't worry, his mom made him wash it - even though it was still too hot for a fur coat on his head. But he didn't care.

They would go home in silence, exchanging a few words, comfortable next to each other. Minho grabbed Han's hand and carried it into his pocket, where he kept a hand warmer. And Han was almost used to that gesture by now - him, not his heart, which took hours to calm down every night.

Until Sunday evening came.

«You don't have to come by tomorrow, it's my day off» Han had said, on the doorstep.

«Oh...» Minho pouted, «I won't see you tomorrow then?»

The simplicity with which Minho had said that sentence hit Han hard. He wanted to see him, Minho wanted to see him every day. And Han still couldn't figure out what he could possibly find in him.

«I don't think you will miss me» he laughed, looking away.

Minho cocked his head to one side, in a truly cat-like move, and met Han's eyes.

«I think so instead.» 

Han stared at him in amazement and for a second his gaze fell on those sweet protruding lips. He swallowed dry, without being able to avoid thinking about how nice it would have been to touch them.

«It's like you've become my fourth cat» Minho explained taking Han away from those thoughts. The younger frowned perplexed.

«I couldn't live without my cats» Minho added, with a soft smile.

Han was amazed, his heart couldn't handle all that unannounced sweetness. And that was both the sweetest and weirdest thing anyone had ever said to him. He cracked a smile.

«Should I meow now?» he cackled. 

«Do you want to come to my house tomorrow?» Minho asked, out of blue. He really didn't want to go 48 hours without seeing that face, the very idea made him sad.

Han's eyes widened: «T-to your house?»

«Yes, Jisung, at my house. I'm not a serial killer, I have no dead bodies in my closets and I don't even have parents. It will be me, you and my cats.»

Han looked intimidated but finally nodded. The idea of not seeing that strange guy for 2 days didn't even appeal to him. Also, the next day would be the anniversary of his breakup with Eun, a day he'd rather cross off the calendar. Sure, that had been the end of his torture, but that didn't make it a pleasant day.

«I'll pick you up in front of the cafe at 5 pm, okay?» Minho smiled, walking away up the driveway and waving at Han.

«You can just send me the address!» Han yells after him.

«No way!» Minho exclaims, turning around, «I want to pick you up» he smiled again and walked away.

.        .        .

Han had been staring at his closet for half an hour, undecided about what to wear. He only owned extra large sweatshirts, jeans and improbable t-shirts. But he was just going to Minho's house, why all the fuss?

«Don't know what to put?» Haru came out of the corridor, making him jump.

«I still dress like a teenager» he murmured, crossing his arms over the chest.

«And I think he likes you like this, honey» she said, smiling and stroking his son's head.

Han glared at her, moving away from her touch: «He doesn't like me, don't say certain things» 

A wistful smile appeared on Haru's face. She knew that Han was still too hurt, but she was scared, terrified, that for this reason he would no longer allow anyone to make him feel loved.

«Honey» she tried again, approaching without touching him, «I know you are scared, it's okay.» she said, Han let out a sigh. «But I've seen how he looks at you. He adores you.»

Han met her eyes and quickly looked away, biting his lip to hold back a smile.

What if his mom was right? What if Minho really likes him?

Haru leaned into the closet and selected some black jeans and a yellow sweatshirt: «You look adorable in anything you wear» she smiled and handed him the outfit. She left a kiss on his son's cheek and walked away.

Han had accepted his mother's advice, dressing up as a chick. He had gone to the café and found Minho already waiting for him.

And he was bloody handsome.

Han was used to seeing him sweaty, at the end of a day of dancing and rehearsals, wearing a trivial overalls. But today he was wearing a satin red shirt and skinny jeans. And he was breathtaking.

«Oh... Wow» he murmured, scanning his friend body, «Was I supposed to dress better?» he asked, scratching his head.

Minho came close to his ear and whispered: «I was hoping you didn't. You are so tender.»

Han shivered and quickly turned away from Minho: «Pervert!» he blured out, glancing at him, while the older was laughing.

They reached Minho's house walking side by side. Han wondered if for once he should be the one to grab Minho's hand, but he didn't have the courage.

The house was located in a really nice and rich neighborhood in Seoul. His building was modern, high, and as soon as Han set foot in his apartment he was amazed. It was an extremely beautiful house, like something out of a furniture catalogue, but it was also extremely impersonal. There was almost nothing resembling the stars in Minho's eyes, there were no family photos, knick-knacks, no clothes around the house.

«Make yourself comfortable» Minho said, while the lights turned on thanks to Alexa and a cat walked towards him.

«Dori, have you eaten?» he asked, bending down to pet his cat.

Han couldn't resist that image. He took out his phone and snapped a photo, without Minho noticing. 

Two more cats emerged from the living room and made their way towards Han. 

«Those are Sooni and Dongie. I think they like you» Minho said smiling, seeing his two older cats crawl up against Han's legs and smell him.

Han cuddled up and started petting them: «They are beautiful» he smiled softly.

«Want to see the rest of the house?» Minho asked. Han nodded and followed him. 

The house had a huge modern bathroom, with a huge shower and a bathtub in the center. There was a small room with a large mirror, where Minho probably practiced dancing. And finally the bedroom.

«Nothing special.» he said, «Your home is cozier»

«It's certainly less amazing than this one, but you can come whenever you want» Han said, watching finally a shelf with some frames on it. 

There were several photos of the cats, alone or with Minho. Han observed also a photo of Minho as a child - so cute! - but his eyes lingered for a long time on a selfie with a boy.

Minho was smiling in that photo, he seemed happy. His friend was younger than him for sure and he had bright eyes and such an amazing smile.

«He's Haneul» Minho explained, confirming Han's thoughts before he could ask.

He turned around to meet the older's eyes: «H-we was your...» he tried to ask, stammering, «Well, your...»

Minho blinked repeatedly and then smiled: «My boyfriend?» 

Han nodded, blushing lightly.

«Why do you ask me that? Are you jealous, Baby Jisung?» Minho teased him.

«No way!» Han blurts out, wondering why the hell he let that question slip out of his mouth.

«You simply have him as your phone screensaver and he's the only person you have a picture of in your house apart from your cats!» he snapped, speaking too fast.

Minho wondered when Han had managed to peek at his screensaver, but smiled. If he noticed certain details, it could only mean that, in one way or another, he was interested in him.

He took his phone out of his pocket, unlocked the screen and turned it to let Han see his wallpaper. 

«If he was my boyfriend, who are you?» he smiled.

Han saw his own photo again, the one taken the day after his birthday with his new hat, and blushed.

«Omg, what a bad photo!» he joked, covering his face with his hand.

«Haneul was a friend.» Minho explained, laying down on the bed and looking up at the ceiling. Han approached him, sitting on the mattress but not too close to the other one.

«And he was one of the best people I've ever known»

Minho's eyes were dry, but his expression was pained. And if until then Han could not understand what had happened and where Haneul was, at that moment he had one certainty: Minho's friend was dead.

.           .           .

«Minho-hyung! Wait!»

Haneul ran after him, grabbing him by the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He had that face that was always damned smiling, so bright, so full of hope that sometimes Minho found it annoying.

«What else, Haneul?»

He was two years younger than him and ever since he discovered that Minho danced in his spare time, he hadn't left him alone. He had finally been invited to his house one day, to see where he danced, and Minho had agreed to do a choreography together.

Haneul wasn't that good at dancing, but he had a wonderful voice. It was sweet, soft, and he even had great ideas for song lyrics.

«Will you even think about it, hyung?»

He looked at him with those eyes full of hope, with that look of someone who still thinks that life is wonderful and holds many surprises. Haneul was so naïve, so innocent. And Minho partly envied him, partly feared for him. He feared that he deluded himself too much and was sure that, sooner or later, life would hurt him.

And he wasn't sure that he wanted to be there when this happened. 

He snorted loudly.

«Minho-hyung, please. Only one try.»

«Ya, I already told you I don't want to be an idol!»

Minho hated fame. It was what had taken away his father, probably, in addition to the man's complete parental inability.

«You don't have to be like him and, damn, I'm just asking you for an audition!» Haneul snapped.

Minho's eyes widened, it was the first time he'd heard him swear.

«Sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice.» he said in a lower voice, «If you're convinced you don't want to try, I'll go alone» he added, pouting.

My God, that boy was so stubborn. But Minho didn't feel like letting him go alone and knew he would need his support. So he accepted.

«Only one, Haneul. Did you get me?»

The boy's eyes became watery and he jumped into Minho's arms, squeezing him and thanking him countless times.

And so, Minho and Haneul auditioned for one of the most important agencies in Seoul. Minho helped Haneul with the dance and the younger one helped his hyung with the vocals.
And guess what? They both passed.

Minho had never had the dream of becoming an idol, but he was starting to believe in it. Haneul's passion had infected him and, after all, he loved to dance.

What was wrong with dreaming?

And everything seemed to be wonderful. Challenging, sure, but wonderful. The two boys were divided between school and rehearsals, but they were each other's strength. Minho was Haneul's rock, ready to scold him when he let himself go into despair, and Haneul was Minho's sunshine, ready to remind him how beautiful it was to dream.

Until, at the young age of 17, Haneul was able to debut in a group, a group that didn't include Minho. The older one was delighted to finally see him fulfill his dream, sorry for not being able to be next to him, but happy.

Yet, that dream turned into a nightmare.

The members of his group were awful people. They were all older than Haneul, they envied him for his beauty and his delicate voice. Things seemed to be getting worse and worse, but Haneul wasn't used to complaining. He gritted his teeth and went on, chasing a dream that by that moment had lost its original shiny appearance.

One day someone spread fake news. Haneul, they said, had been a bully in high school.

Anyone who had the chance to talk to that boy would have known it was a lie. Haneul wasn't able to hurt even an ant, yet that fake news spread like wildfire, spreading on social media. His companions turned their backs on him, without defending him. The web turned against him.

And Minho couldn't do anything to help his friend.

.           .           . 

Han was doing everything to hold back the tears. It shouldn't have been him crying, he should have listened to Minho and consoled him. Not the other way.

Minho quickly wiped away a single small tear that had escaped his tight control and looked at Han.

«He called me three times before doing that, before he took his own life.» he murmured, «And I hadn't heard the phone, because I was sleeping, too tired for all the trainings»

His eyes couldn't hold Han's as he spoke, as he admitted he hadn't been there for his friend.

«Minho...» Han said, but his name came out like a sob, «It wasn't your fault!» he exclaims, feeling his heart tighten at the idea that Minho thought he was responsible for that extreme act.

«I think I could have saved him. I think about it every day.» Minho added, without taking his eyes off the ceiling.

He'd started looking up a lot since he'd lost Haneul. It was as if he somehow knew he was looking down on him. And despite that weight in his chest, Minho knew that his friend would have wanted him happy, smiling and strong.

"You are a force of nature" he always told him, "You just have to smile more". And that sentence was what had allowed him to go forward, not to abandon his dream.

«You managed to keep dancing, it's wonderful» Han said, wiping some tears from his face with his hand shaking.

«Yes, but I don't want to debut anymore.» the older said, finally setting his eyes on Han, «That was his dream, I want to be a teacher and a choreographer.» he explained.

Han forced himself not to let out a sob: «From what you talk about, he was a wonderful person.» he said, hinting a smile, «And I think he would be proud of you, Minho»

The older smiled sadly: «He taught me to love life. I owe him everything.»

Han didn't know what to say, he just wanted to cry, cry for Haneul and for that young Minho who had lost a friend and had lived with guilt.

But Minho had just opened his heart to him and he wanted to be able to give him warmth. He wasn't capable of words, he'd never been a great talker, so he walked over to his lying friend and snuggled down beside him, resting his head on his chest and squeezing his waist, still sobbing.

Minho smiled and put his arm around his shoulders, without saying a word.

They remained like that for an infinite amount of time, until Minho spoke:

«I think the first time I saw you, you reminded me of him»

Han was silent, listening. The tears had stopped, his breathing had settled.

«As if your gaze, so sweet and full of pain, would have been what he would have had if he was still alive.» Minho explained. Then chuckled embarrassed:

«Sorry, maybe that's weird»

Han didn't let go of his chest but shook his head: «No, it's not! It is an honor to think that I remind him in some way.»

Minho smiled and nuzzled his cheek against Han's hair. It was so soft and fragrant.

«I was going to make you fillet wellington tonight, but I'm too comfortable lying here» Minho smiled.

Han grinned and got up on his elbow to look at his friend, who seemed to have that lively look again.

«I don't know if I will forgive you. Maybe if you order me a pizza» 

Elle's note:

Hi babieeeees! How are you? 

I'm here with a new chap (veeeery long ahaha). It's a bit sad and as I said in the "before read" part, I got inspired from True Beauty, the webtoon/kdrama. Do you like it? 

I also thought about Hyunjin and all the things people said about him. That's so awful. And, you know what happened to Moonbin, so... I really think that kpop industry should think more about this topic, about the idols' health (and I'm not speaking about muscles and stomach, but also mental health).

Let me know your opinion!!

Kisses

L