Jimin’s POV

I let my guard down and let my feelings have their way. I pulled him closely by his nape and kissed him. The moment my lips touched his, everything just felt right. It had an almost mystical feeling. Nanatiling magkadikit ang mga labi namin nang ilang segundo, hanggang sa ako na ang unang humiwalay. Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko and my eyes were glued to his lips, I could still feel his warm lips on mine. I smiled and met his gaze.

Unti-unti kong napagtanto ang nagawa ko. I was surprise and I wasn’t alone, nagulat din si Jungkook.

We were only staring at each other. Neither of us broke eye contact. We were both speechless; both were too stunned to speak a word and I… I felt light-headed.

Suddenly, nasa kotse na ako, kasama siya and one moment after, nasa parking lot na kame nang tinutuluyan namin.

A familiar sound woke me from my trance, there I realised nasa loob kami ng elevator and we just arrived at our floor nang magkahawak ang kamay naming dalawa. Bakit hindi ko napapansin ang mga nangyayari sa paligid ko after the kiss? I didn’t even notice na hawak-hawak ko na pala ang handle ng door.

Jungkook was still beside me though, accompanying me kaso pumasok ako sa loob nang hindi nagpapaalam sakanya. Bigla akong nakaramdam nang pagsusuka kaya naman agad akong pumunta sa banyo. Sumuka ako nang sumuka hanggang sa wala na akong mailabas.

Lumabas ako ng bathroom at pumunta ng kusina para uminom ng tubig, I was shaking as I took a sip. And then my mind wanders back to the kiss. It was just a quick peck, but it felt so long— and I felt so much joy and awe all, fused into one.

Nahulog ang baso na hawak-hawak ko at agad na nabasag, dahilan para maputol ang iniisip ko. Napatingin ako ruon, broken glass were scattered pieces all over the place.

Habang pinupulot ko ang pira-pirasong basag ng baso ay bumalik ulit ang nangyari sa alaala ko. I was smiling as I met his gaze at sa sandaling ‘yon, I was actually reminded of our first kiss that happened a few years ago; everything about it, including the way my heart responded, was exactly the same. I shook my head, smiling in disbelief and put the large pieces in the trash with my bear hand, and then swept up the remaining small pieces.

Nag-aalala na baka may mga small fragments pa ay nag-vacuum na lang din ako.

May nagring nang doorbell. Kaya agad kong pinuntahan— it wasn’t Jungkook, it was a delivery man and apparently nag order nang food si Jungkook para saakin. Itatapon ko sana nang biglang kumulo ang tiyan ko. It’s a waste if I throw this away, right? Isa pa, masamang magtapon nang pagkain. Paalala ko sa sarili ko.

Inilapag ko na ang dala-dala kong pagkain sa mesa and set the table. I was eating peacefully when I unconsciously found myself returning to that exact moment. I put down my chopsticks at nag-isip nang magandang rason kung bakit ko nagawa ‘yon.

I suppose I am already in the moment where I was already “giving in” because we are supposedly interested in each other— I was the one who brought this “relationship” to exist; I created this plan, and I was just playing with his heart. Pwede kong gawin ulit ‘yon without having to question why I did it. And I can do it without involving any personal feelings.

Kinuha ko ang chopsticks at nagsimula na ring kumain ulit— the image of us kissing flashes in my mind. My stomach felt uncomfortable— I felt a sense of nervousness. Tumayo na ako at pumasok sa banyo, expecting na sumuka ulit pero hindi ‘yun nangyari. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was blushing profusely. I squat down, and I touch my cheeks— ang init.

Randomly, I moved towards the shower area, turn on the showerhead, and sat down. Hinayaan kong mabasa ang sarili ko kahit na I was fully clothed. I leaned against the wall and pressed my eyes shut. The kiss kept on repeating at the back of my head. Inuntog ko yung ulo ko at hindi ko inexpect ‘yung lakas ng impact, napa-aray ako sa sakit— parang kahapon lang ay nahulog ako sa hagdan tapos...

“I miss you.”

For a moment, I felt as if time stood still. A sudden wave of clarity came rushing to me— what happened to me last night, becomes clear all once.

22 hours ago…

I am standing in the balcony, still wasn’t over with my conversation with Namjoon-hyung last night. Ayokong i-acknowledge ‘yung nalaman ko sa kapatid ko pero paulit-ulit, bumabalik ‘yon sa isipan ko.

“Your brother had to get admitted because of your death. He's mentally ill now Jimin.”

My chest felt heavy and felt really uncomfortable, I was trying so hard not to get swayed by my emotions but I can’t control it. Kailan ko ba pa nagawang pigilan ang totoong nararamdaman ko? Magaling lang naman ako sa salita. Magaling lang akong magpanggap but at the end of it, halos lahat nang mga sinasabi ko ay kinakain ko rin.

Pumasok ako sa loob at kinuha ang sling bag ko at lumabas ng bahay dahil male-late na ako sa daycare.

However, even with that thought in my mind, strangely, I found myself standing again at his doorstep. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang rason kung bakit nakatayo ako dito ngayon. After staring at it for a while, umalis na rin ako.

“Teacher Park?”

Napatingin ako sa taong nasa loob nang elevator ngayon. Napukaw niya ang atensyon ko, isa rin siyang tenant dito. Madalas na nakakasabayan ko rin.

“Hindi kapa ba papasok?”

“I’ll take the stairs,” Biglang sambit ko tsaka naglakad papunta sa backdoor. Nagmadali naman akong naglakad pababa ng hagdanan. Nakaramdam ako nang kirot sa pulsuhan ko nang inayos ko ang pagkakasabit ng sling bag ko at dahil duon ay nahulog ito nang tuluyan sa baba.

At hindi ako gumalaw para pulutin ‘yon. I was staring at it, as if it was entertaining and obviously it wasn’t.

Umupo ako at tinignan ang wrist ko, hinawakan ko ‘yon at inilapit sa chest ko. Pakiramdam ko ay pasan-pasan ko ang buong mundo. I hate this feeling, and I hate it too that my wrist is aching, I hate that my bag was still on the floor. Yumuko ako at niyakap ang tuhod ko.

My phone rang, I immediately stood up and run down the stairs to get my bag only for me to missed a step, I landed on the floor with a loud thud, napapikit ako sa impact. Hindi naman mataas ‘yung nahulugan ko, dalawang baitang lang, pero napa-aray parin ako sa sakit. Binalewala ko ‘yung sakit at agad na binuksan ang bag ko.

Nang makita kong si Jungwon lang pala ang tumatawag ay nadismaya ako. Just then, I finally noticed that I was wearing my indoor sleepers instead of my shoes. Huminga ako nang malalim, bago sinagot ang tawag ni Jungwon.

“I won't report today.”

Hindi ko na hinintay ang sasabihin niya at pinatayan ito nang tawag. At ipinasok na sa bag ko ang phone ko. Tumayo na ako at umakyat ulit, pabalik sa unit ko. Sinadya kong hindi mapatingin sa unit niya.

Tinapon ko ang bag ko sa sofa tsaka umupo, I furrowed my brows when I felt a sharp pain on my pelvic area, hahawakan ko sana nang kumirot ang pulsuhan ko.

Tinawanan ko ang sarili ko, napapailing sa inabot ko, ngunit panandalian lamang ‘yon dahil dahan-dahan naman akong nilamon nang matinding kalungkutan, soon enough I was bawling in tears— I covered my face using both of my wrist.

My heart is clenching in pain and I was disappointed and disheartened sa nangyari sa Kuya ko, hindi ko hiningi na humantong siya sa ganung sitwasyon, I want him to get hurt and not lost himself in the process, I didn't want that— and Namjoon-hyung too, na tinulak ko paalis kahit na ang laki nang nagawa kong pagkakamali at si Jungkook... that I had to plan my revenge on him. I really don’t want to acknowledge this sadness that I felt pero kusa itong lumalabas, I unintentionally let out what I really felt.

I shook my head and wiped off my tears. ‘No,’ I told myself. Pumasok ako sa kwarto ko, at parang tangang palingon-lingon. I was looking for the remote control, I was pacing back and forth— not really looking for it. Finally, napatingin ako sa bedside table. Nandun lang siya, all along. Pero alam ko naman talaga 'yun, dahil dyan ko lang naman talaga nilalagay ‘yon, sobrang occupied lang ‘yung isip ko. Kinuha ko ‘yon at binuksan ang TV, plinay ko ‘yung on-going drama na pinapanuod ko, I tucked myself comfortably as I watch it.

Five episodes in one sitting yet I understood nothing. Hindi ko nga rin namalayan na lumilipas na ‘yung oras, I thought I was still in the first episode— the show’s still playing in the background habang ako ay nakahiga’t nakatitig sa kisame.

“If you pretend they don’t exist, you’ll be okay.”

“That is right, you are okay, Jimin-ah.” And I smiled to myself.

The images of us flashes— we were all in the table, everyone was drinking, joking around, and they were enjoying Seokjin hyung’s dad jokes. I played it off as if I wasn’t interested, but I was and was happy inside.

Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko, minsan nga ay iniisip ko na the reason why I was hurting because I perceived things differently. Kung hindi ako ganito mag-isip, if I wasn't just a difficult person then hindi siguro mangyayari ang lahat nang ito.

What’s the point of questioning myself? As if it changes anything. I can’t even pretend now— I should probably think of another distraction, napabangon naman ako mula sa pagkakahiga.

Hinawakan ko ‘yung bedsheet ko at tinignan ang unan ko. Kakapalit ko pa lang ng mga ito, tumingin naman ako sa damit ko. Pero hindi kasi ako nakapagbihis, I was using outdoor clothes nang humiga ako. Agad ko namang kinuha ang mga pillowcase at sinunod ang bedsheet at dumeretso sa laundry area. Napatingin naman ako sa bintana. I took a chair and step on it para maabot ‘yon at kinuha ko ang mga kurtina. Itinabi ko ‘yon at pumunta sa living area para kunin ang gamit na pwede pang labhan.

While waiting for the bedsheets to get done, naglinis muna ako— nag general cleaning to be exact. I vacuumed every places, I mopped the floor, changes the sheets and curtains. I didn’t even stop there, umalis rin ako para mag grocery shopping. I took my time in the marketplace on purpose.

Nang makalabas ako supermarket ay madilim na and took a cab afterwards. Nang makauwi ako ay inilagay ko sa counter lahat nang pinamili ko. Bago ako nag-arrange ay kinuha ko ang phone ko para i-check ‘yon. Inilapag ko rin ‘yon agad at nag-arrange.

Umupo ako sa harapan ng fridge, I looked at the flavoured juice, milk, yogurt that I bought— wala akong nagustuhan at tumayo na. Isinara ko ‘yon at naglakad para kunin ang coat ko.

“Teacher Park, welcome!”

I greeted the owner and bow my head a little. Agad naman niya akong nilapitan at inasikaso.

“Ang tagal mong hindi bumalik dito, akala ko nga ay umalis ka na nang Daegu.” I brushed it off with a smile.

“Same order parin ba?” Tumango ako, tumalikod naman siya agad, “with two bottles of Soju.” Pahabol ko sakanya. Nagtaka naman ang owner ngunit di rin naman niya quinestion ‘yon.

“Here, two bottles of Soju. You never order alcoholic drinks before.” She stated, “Since this is the first, it’s on me. Libre ko.” Nagulat naman ako sa sinabi niya. Umalis naman siya bago pa man ako makapagsalita.

Alam kong mahihirapan akong matulog ulit, instead of taking sleeping pills, ito na lang ‘yung iinumin ko. I don’t want to oversleep during weekdays since may trabaho ako. I took a shot while eyeing my phone. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko ruon and pour myself another drink.

“Teacher Park,” Napatingin naman ako sa owner na nasa counter ngayon.

“You don’t want to get upset stomach, kumain ka.” I bow a little at her tsaka tinignan ang pagkain na nasa harapan ko.

“Siya nga pala,” I was about to tell her off cause I’m at my limit to her yapping, “Someone has been asking about you.” I raises a brow and looked at her.

“You met him already, sabay kayong nag dine in dito nung nakaraan.” He’s talking about Jungkook isn’t she?

“He keeps on asking about your where about— what time you usually go here, what’s your favorite dishes. I got weirded out at first, I thought he’s a stalker! But he was really nice, got his eyes on you.” She teases.

“I am used to it na, pero siya lang ‘yung nag-iisang taong bumalik ulit dito para sayo.”

“Sana ay magtagpo kayo.” She added. “Ang daldal ko talaga. Sige na, kumain kana.” Her words still stuck with me.

‘Pero siya lang ‘yung nag-iisang taong bumalik ulit dito para sayo.’

Kinuha ko ‘yung baso na may lamang alak, I stared at it, until I felt my eyes burned with tears.

She’s right…

When Seokjin and I parted ways and just when I thought I was meant to be alone, Jungkook came for me.

Sa lahat nang mahahalagang taong umalis sa buhay ko, si Jungkook lang ang nag-iisang taong binalikan ako. Kahit na masakit ang totoong rason kung bakit nagawa niyang bumalik sa pagkakataong ‘to— binalikan niya parin ako, he did what my own family couldn’t, who only showed when I was already gone. The fact that they didn’t make an effort to confirm it and believed the person who they were mourning was me was enough to prove that they never really look for me, it was so easy for them to accept it.

Jungkook isn't like them, he eventually found out and found me here.

Maybe...

That was the reason why I almost take him back— I was moved when I realised, he came for me.

I took another shot, and tried my hardest to forget everything.

Just for tonight, at least.

“Ahjumma, another bottle please.” Instead it leads me on ordering another set of Soju cause it wasn’t happening.

Sumakay ako nang cab pauwi, I swear, sobrang nahihilo na ako pero nakayanan ko pang umuwi. Agad akong pumasok nang kwarto. Napahinto ako nang makita ko ang balcony and came to realize that I didn’t close the sliding window. Lumapit ako sa ruon, can’t even walk straight properly. Instead of closing it, I stepped outside.

I smiled bitterly, as I recall my past self, standing every night, in this exact spot, hating Jungkook for betraying me but missing him like crazy. I really hated myself for that, that’s why I’ve live my life here striving to forget him, kahit na sobrang imposible ay sinubukan ko parin. I put alot of effort on doing so, and that only brought me failure.

Untill I finally came with that terms, tinanggap ko na lang, at dahil narin sa tagal ay nasanay naman ako nang wala siya at sa pagkakataon na ‘yon ay hindi na ako naghangad pa. Unti-unti kong tinanggap ang sitwasyon namin, that he wasn’t meant to stay forever, that it was only my own delusion from the start.

But the funny thing is, whenever I get the taste of alcohol— my poise is gone, back again to square one as if I didn’t try all the things that I could possibly do just to forget his existence and this damn feelings.

And it’s happening again.

“Sobrang tanga ko talaga,” I whispered, dimayado.

At papasok na sana ulit ako nang biglang nag vibrate ang phone ko, I check it right away, my heart was pounding as I answered it.

“...why didn’t you reach out to me sooner?” Pagalit na tanong ko sakanya.

“Nasaan ka?” Hearing his voice makes my heart aches— yearning for his presence desperately, I touched my chest and sat down on the floor.

He kept on asking and I was answering unconsciously— hanggang sa hindi ko na kayang pigilan pa ang sarili and make it known to him what I feel.

“I miss you.”

“Me too.” Then I just began crying when I heard that. Even when I’ve attempted to end my life that day and swore I would hate him, even when I decided I’d live my own life here I still wanted his validation, wanted him to tell me he does feel the same way. Kahit nakatali na sya sa iba— ‘yun lang ang gusto kong malaman that I wasn’t the only who felt it, what happened to us was real— it’s not something that you could ignore just because you can’t be together, I was so sure of that.
But Jungkook was too late for that. Hindi niya binigay sakin ‘yun noon— those words would have helped ease my pain, even if just a little.

I smiled... and then I laugh at myself. Tinawanan ko ang sarili ko hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang mainit na liquido na dumadaloy sa pisngi ko.

Ang dami-dami kong tinatanong patungkol sa nararamdaman ko, kept on going back and forth kahit na...

I’m very aware of it and it’s just me pretending and denying it to the fullest. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko ‘yun. Alam kong hanggang ngayon ay mahal ko parin siya. Nakakatawa ano? I was hurt and betrayed, paulit-ulit, pero ‘yung pagmamahal na ‘yon? Nandito parin. Kahit sobrang sakit na— mahal ko parin.

And I meant every single words since the very beginning... the confession I had within myself and those confession I had with him. It was genuine, kahit na sobrang tanga ko na pakinggan, totoo lahat nang ‘yon.

I started crying out loud, sobbing so hard when I finally admit it.

“If you mean everything you said then why don’t you try winning me back, Jungkook? If you truly wanted me, win me back!”

“If you only want happiness for me, make me the happiest man on earth! If you don’t want me to hate you, make it up for me! You should make efforts! Wag puro salita, wag puro apologies, I don’t need any of that because it’s nothing but an empty words.”

“Kumapit ako sa mga binitawan mong salita, naniwala... but that only brought me pain, didn’t it?”

“Don’t make me regret this, Jungkook, I’m begging you.”

That day, I even swore to myself that I won’t be regretting it... and I genuinely thought I wouldn’t, but I was simply overwhelmed by the moment and blinded by my own desperation at the time. I was desperate, I wanted him just as much, got swept up in the moment and let my emotions take over— Kasi ganun ako katangat kahina pagdating sakanya.

I smiled warily,

‘cause that very same day, I felt like reality struck me a brutal blow. I looked up, as if seeing my myself standing across from me, facing the mirror, smiling as I recall every detail of that moment, it was genuine until it hit me.

Recognizing that I was wearing the same hopeful expression from the past with Jungkook, all those emotions crashed down on me at once. In the past, I allowed Jungkook back into my life even after hurting me because of love. Sobrang dali kong tinalikuran ‘yung ginawa niya ‘cause I was madly in love. Then I started wanting for more, I even made him choose out of desperation as if my life depends on that decision, Jungkook stayed and chooses me— pakiramdam ko nuon ay siya ‘yung magpapabago nang kapalaran ko, that in the end, I realized I was wrong; I wasn’t destined to be abandoned. I really thought Jungkook changed my fate and I put my faith on him with my whole heart— believing he’ll stay with me, believing his promise to stay despite the countless pain he already caused.

Then, finding myself in a similar situation, everything backfires on me. The painful experiences I’ve endured, how that event upended my life, and how my hopes for love went so terribly wrong— it all ruined me. It was traumatizing, and I’m still coping with it to this day. Would I really take that risk again and put myself back in that position when I haven't yet recovered from it?

I was completely disgusted at my own self, papaano ko nagawang hangarin ulit ‘yon? Papaano ko nagawang isantabi panandalian lahat nang mga nangyare saakin? I had my whole life ruined, I had countless heartbreaks from the same person— How could I betray myself like that just because my heart desires him, longs for him?

Ashamed of myself, I covered it up and lied to myself, claiming that what I said was intentional and that I had planned everything, even though I hadn't considered getting back at him until the day I convinced myself I had.

Siguro nga ay isa rin sa nagtulak saakin para gawin ang gumanti sakanya dahil gusto kong panindigan sa sarili ko na kaya ko siyang kamuhian habang buhay— I swore to myself that I would because I could. Gusto kong ipakita kay Jungkook na kaya ko rin siyang talikuran. Na kaya kong talikuran ang pagmamahal na ‘yon. Gusto kong ipagkait ‘yung pagmamahal na ‘yon. Jungkook doesn’t deserve this love, never siyang naging deserving ‘nun sa simula hanggang sa pagbabalik niya.

At pinanindigan nga niya na talagang hindi dahil “nagkataon” lamang na “wala” na siyang obligasyon sa pamilyang binuo’t pinili niya kaya niya ako binalikan. He’s the worst. Jungkook doesn’t miss to disappoint me in every possible way and I have every right to hurt him more than he did to me, pero sa larong sinumulan ko, ako parin pala ang talo, hindi ko pala mapanindigan ‘yung hatred na sinasabi ko— forcing myself to get back at him and then feel guilty afterwards.

I kept on telling myself that I was only doing all that to hurt him but every fucking time, I’d see myself wanting him. Wanting to be loved, cared of, I badly want him— but I shouldn’t.

Ang isang katulad ko ay hindi na dapat naghangad pa— I am a mess before meeting Jungkook and becomes a lot more messier now. No one can saved me, even his love couldn’t save me. I just want the pain in my heart to stop, and I know I wouldn’t reach it in this lifetime.

If I were to be reborn, I wish I could be born into a loving family, with responsible parents who would guide and love their child unconditionally. I’d still want Seokjin-hyung to be my brother, but in that timeline, I want him to have his own life without having to worry about or take care of me. I just want him as someone I could call my brother— so we wouldn’t grow apart.

I really wish I had that kind of life, because then I wouldn't have to beg for love from someone else or depend on them to save me from my own suffering.

I was smiling as I was imagining what could my life was if lumaki ako sa tamang pamilya.

Kung sakali nga na maayos ang buhay ko, edi sana hindi ko pinagpilitan ang sarili ko kay Jungkook. Hindi ako naging makasarili at naging madali para saakin na tanggapin...

that his silence on the day we parted ways was his answer to my pleading.