"Merry Christmas Eaton, take care." He thanked Fisher and wished her the same, walking out of the building. Getting in his car, Tobias checked his trunk to make sure her gift was in there, passing his hands on the fragile strings.

Driving out of the building's parking lot, the cemetery and its metal arch quickly came in view. Stopping the vehicle not too far, he stepped out in the light snow and grabbed the case, his heart beating furiously fast as memories of the war came back to his mind. She is in all of them, always frowning as she dives deeper into danger.

Deeper away from him as he walked closer to her grave. Names were surrounding him and he recognized some of them, but hers stood out the most. He sat down on a cheap picnic blanket, setting the case in front of him to open and take out its treasure.

Making sure the instrument was still tuned, he took a deep, shaky breath, and looked up at her name, as if it was the same as looking in her electric blue eyes. "Merry Christmas, Tris. Here's to another year without you, another year of grieving."

Hey there, Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But, girl, tonight you look so pretty

Getting too caught up because of the lump in his throat and the blurriness caused by the tears, he had difficulty seeing the words or the tabs on the sheet he had brought in case.

Yes, you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear, it's true

"I'm sorry," Tobias whispered when tears started to flow out. "I know you would want me to be strong, I know you would want me to be brave just like I taught you -"

From afar, you could see his shoulders shaking as he bent over the instrument. He had held it all in since the first snow of the season, barely a month ago. The moment always reminded him of that day, that stupid, godawful, long and dreaded day, when he hoped he would enjoy his first snow after the end of a war they had fought for so long.

The wind moved snow around like a veil, brushing his shoulder and giving him the sensation that she was manifesting herself by his side, trying to comfort him like a mother comforts her child.

But what he needed was his stubborn, frowny little muse by his side, trying to convince him that it was for the best. He needed one specific person by his side and only a matter of life and death separated them.

He didn't know if he was ready to cross the line yet. It would end his suffering, but that would be selfish of him. He could meet someone else, but she would never be like Tris.

The thought of dying scared him, though he had promised Tris to follow her in the underworld. You die, I die too.

But he had stalled for too long. Doing it in the first few months would have been easy if Zeke hadn't babysat him non-stop, even waiting outside the shower to make sure he would be there if Tobias were to hurt himself.

All around him life was cold and dead, just like Tobias felt inside, but there were still some remaining elements trying to protect him. Pine trees, walls, stones.

A light shone in his face, ruining the peaceful atmosphere, and Tobias grunted. "I thought I'd pay a little visit." Evelyn sat down next to him, her arms around her son's waist. She just stayed there for a while, quiet as the wind blew in their faces, until the big, tall, intimidating bear next to her became a cub in need of affection.

Drying his tears as he put the guitar back, his mother mumbled something. "What, mom?" His voice, cracked by the emotion and the cold, was so bizarre that he couldn't believe it was his.

"Nothing, it's not important. Now let's go home, Tobias."

"No, you said something. What is it?"

Evelyn looked away, behind him, anywhere but his eyes. "I can't believe you're still crying over her. It's been two years, Tobias, that's long enough. Find someone else."

"You take that back." He, on the contrary, had no difficulty looking at his mother. How dare she say that? And of all nights in the year?

"Tobias. Listen, life goes on and people come and go. You'll find someone else eventually, everyone does."

"Mother, if you had ever loved someone like I did, you would understand." He stared back at Tris' name, reading it over and over again as if it would do something, anything.

"I was in love with your father -"

"Then how come you never found someone else? If everyone can fall back in love even after a rough end, how is it that [you] never found anyone?"

He could have watched his mouth before speaking, maybe looked away. But now things were said, and they would remain that way. He had worse regrets anyway.

"I'll be going. Goodnight." He put the instrument back in the case and stood up, his mouth in a straight line. "And merry Christmas."

"Tobias -"

"I have things to do."

"Grieving on a night of family reunion is not exactly something to do."

"I have other things to do."

This time, he really stepped forward to his car, driving off in the distance until he reached his studio. Nothing more was needed than peace and quiet, with a good, hot meal and music to forget about the present and drown out the upstairs neighbours'...rough activity.

Stepping in his home, he laid opened the couch in the centre of the room and looked around, searching for something he knew he didn't have. The colourful walls around him and the polished wood furniture seemed bland that night, mirroring his empty heart.

The studio felt especially empty that night, even with the rare decorations he had found to match the tainted, sunset-orange walls.

At least, they didn't remind him of his old Abnegation home. Or the factionless. Or Dauntless. And certainly not Amity.

And they were bare of decorations, because he knew she would not have liked him to keep a picture of them. Not that he had any, really.

He had no physical memories of Tris, and it tortured him. The rare good ones were fading, leaving out the times where she was at her most weak emotionally and physically. He wanted to reach out to these and change them, make a better setting, a better script, a better time, a better memory, but they were plated with hot iron on his brain.

It's what she had been doing to him, all because of David, for the second year in a row.