January, 2020

Jin

      The evening of the incident passed in wild speed. I assured the guys that it was indeed exhaustion and I dismissed their attempts to comfort me and suggestions that we all have dinner together to celebrate our break and the holidays.

      I headed home to my apartment and laid in bed for what felt like days. No one check on me. I knew that the boys were all off with their families and had big plans for the break. Even if they did try to check on me, I had my phone off. I told my parents that I had a last minute work related thing that I couldn't miss. I could hear the audible disappointment and sadness in my eomma voice, but I can't bear the thought of them seeing me like this and I physically could not move.

      A month passed in a blur. Around day two, I finally dragged myself out of the bed and into the kitchen to blindly eat some leftover naengmyeon. I made my way back to my bed and felt the ever present "hand" radiating on my chest, having not left me alone once this break. Depression had grown its evil roots deep in my soul. I tossed and turned, never getting comfortable and the strange dreams caused me panic when I did finally drift off. I finally abandoned sleep all together, instead making my way to my gaming computer. The mindlessness of games was a welcomed distraction from the failure that my life course had drifted too.

      I was suddenly jerked awake by knocking at my door combined with a light sound of chatting that my door blocked. I picked my head up off of my gaming keyboard, having fallen asleep after days of playing. I made my way to the door, my bones creaking and cracking with every step.

       I swung open the door and I was not prepared for the all absorbing look of shock that was on J-Hopes and Taeh's face. They stared at me, never once looking away from my face.

"Jin, what happened. Are you OK?" Taeh said with alarm.

I just nodded by head, my voice crackly from lack of use.

      J-Hope pushed me into the living room area and directed me to sit down. He immediately went into the kitchen and I could hear him banging around some pots.

      Taeh was standing by the couch awkwardly looking around my living room. I could tell that he did not know what to do. He was not prepared to address any major concern in relation to me. He never had to before as I was always the steady oldest member.

     J-Hope arrived with a bowl of Samyang Ramen and a large glass of water placing it on the table in front of me. The smell of the ramen drifted up to me and I picked up the bowl eagerly slurping the broth and not even bothering with the chopsticks or spoon he had brought for me. I finished the bowl in two long gulps and drank the glass of water without pause. I did not realize how hungry I was.

Awkward silence palpitated uncomfortably. I finally got to my feet and croaked out "Bathroom."

        I padded my way down to my master bathroom and shut the door behind me. I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time since the night of the incident a month ago. My dark black hair was sticking out at weird angles having been matted from laying in bed. My eyes lacked all emotions what so ever and my skin was white as a ghost. After seeing my reflection I could now understand why Taeh was so hesitant to say anything before. At this point, I feel nothing but emptiness and the deep pressing of "the hand" ever present as always.

     Making my way back to the living room, I can hear the guys discussing. I stop just out of sight in the door frame and listen to their conversation.

"Taeh I'm concerned... more than concerned, I'm scared. What should we do? Does RM know?" J-Hope said in a low murmur.

"I'm texting in the group chat right now, RM needs to talk to management, Jin needs help." Taeh said while pulling out his phone from his Gucci side bag.

       I decided to make my appearance known and said to the guys, "Thanks for coming over, but I'm really tired right now and I'm heading back to bed". I could hear their stuttering farewells as I turned my back and walked back to my room.