December, 2019

Jin

     The drive to the studio is quite quick since I live in central Seoul. The TV studio is on the northern outskirts of the city and is accessible by high speed highway.

     Arriving at the studio, "the hand" is gripping my heart with a gut clenching grip. I can feel a small trickle of sweat running down the back of my neck. As I exit the car, I can see that all of the guys have already arrived as evident by the six shiny black SUVs that are parked in a row.

Joon notices where my attention is and says comfortingly, "Staff are ready and waiting for you to start prep. The other guys are done and there is plenty of time for you before we go live."

I just silently nod my head. Great I say inwardly, this whole thing is off to a great start already.

     As I enter the dressing room, I see the guys for the most part are already finished with hair and makeup and the wardrobe team is working on getting them dressed. Multiple of the guys are shirtless with staff running cord packs and in ears up. Taeh is already trying on multiple rings that have been laid out for him and he's currently looking very 2019 pirate esck.

    The guys look up when I enter and bright smiles greet me. I hear a couple of wise cracks about did I enjoy my extra beauty sleep as I'm guided to a chair where a swarm of staff greet me and start the long process of turning me into my finely crafted persona.

     The staff are working double time to finish my look and wardrobe is waiting eagerly to get me dressed as the last bit of lip gloss is applied. I feel rings getting shoved onto my fingers and a row of fine tiny buttons are being fasted up to my throat. As staff step back, I turn to look at my reflection in the mirror. I can't quite articulate what happens next. The shock of seeing Mr. World Wide Handsome in the mirror when Kim Seok-jin is feeling so horrible inside splits my mind into two.

"Bathroom." I mutter before turning in the opposite direction and taking long strides.

     The anxiety that was once manageable rushes back with such an overwhelming tidal wave that I struggle to close the door of the private bathroom behind me. I race towards the sink and put my hands on either side of the marble pedestal. My thoughts are racing madly and my breaths are more jagged with each one I take. Glancing up, I look into the mirror and despite the staff's best efforts, I can still see the faint outline of the dark bags that have taken up a more permanent residence under my eyes.

      I can't quite put finger on it, but something has changed. I can't calm myself down like I used to be able to do before. My vision appears to be getting narrower and my head is pounding with each beat my heart takes. Before I can get a clear thought through my muddled brain, I hear a strong tapping on the door. And instantly, I know. It's time and I don't know if I can do this.

         I open the bathroom door and I can see the guys huddling up together. I silently slip into the back of the group and I can feel Jungkook place his hand on my shoulder.

RM says, "just like we did in the pre-recording yesterday. We got this guys. Bangtan" and we all say "fighting" in unison.

      This is a closed recording, which means that no fans or public have been welcomed into the studio. Yesterday, we filmed a pre-recording of the show where some ARMY had been watching.

    Out of habit more than anything, I slip my in-ears into my ears and I can hear the TV sound staff checking levels.

      We get into the opening formation and wait for the final cue from the TV presenter and the music to begin. All of a sudden, my breathing which had become quite jagged starts coming out in tiny little bursts. I can't help but think that I'm choking. My hand goes to my throat and I feel like I'm floating. I double over and place my hands on my knees willing myself into submission of what I NEED to accomplish.

    The last thing I see is Suga who is by my opening set glance at me and say something which is inaudible.

     After the now infamous incident, the first thing I feel is the light crunching of paper under me. I realize that I am laying on the portable doctors table that our team doctor travels with and the hygienic barrier is clinging to my sweaty skin. Staff have surrounded me and I have a portable O2 mask on my face. I can hear the unmistakable sound of the guys crying. I glance to my left and I see Taeh and Jimin hugging each other. RM is looking very very stoic.

    The team doctor is directing staff and our management team is coordinating with the TV studio. The TV show was forced to cut to the pre-recording from yesterday. The ARMY watching have no idea what happened.

      The guys surround me and I can feel their nervous energy radiating. When I don't start joking around, I can see their expression slide a tiny bit.

The team doctor says, "Jin you fainted. This is very common with exhaustion. I know you boys have been working very hard this year. Please take the upcoming break off to relax."

     For a moment I am relieved. Exhaustion is an easy explanation. This is fixable. Treatable. But, deep down I know the truth and it hurts. Something is broken and I don't know how to fix it. This thought is confirmed by the awful feeling I have knowing I let the guys down and ARMY. I close my eyes and let my head drop down to the table I'm laying on.