February, 2020

Jin

      I'm watching Casey cooking in the kitchen as I am sipping a cup of coffee at the dining table. She moves around the kitchen with a speed and confidence of someone that is in total control and her moments are not second guessed. It's nice to see her totally relaxed and in her element. She's putting back canisters of flour and sugar into the baking cabinet as the beeping of the waffle maker chimes out. She gracefully sides steps closer to the waffle maker, lifting the lid and uses a fork to place the golden brown waffle on a plate. Her waffle maker is an impressive restaurant style one where it rotates so she can fit two waffles. She takes the second waffle out and pads over to the dining table and carefully slips off the top fresh waffle onto my plate that has the remains of my already finished first waffle.

I smile broadly at her and say, "You know I could eat your waffles every morning and I would never complain."

"You know I have broken my own rule for you don't you?" Casey teases back.

"What rule?" I ask genuinely confused.

"My rule of only making waffles on Sundays. I have never allowed myself to make waffles any other day of the week until you've come along." She explains.

"Well I'm honored and appreciative." I bow my head. "You know," I say. "I think waffles are the expression of the feeling of home. I could sleep in a waffle, curled up and I think I would feel totally at peace." I say while inspecting a bite of waffle on my fork.

        Casey chuckles at my obvious ridiculousness and we continue to shove fresh waffles into our mouths. We sit there, our knees almost touching under Casey's tiny two person table and each of us feel no need to fill the silence. It reminds me of being with the guys. The silence is not awkward, but comforting showing how each person is at ease with each other.

I can feel her eyes on me and I glance up to meet them. Casey clears her throat and says, "I know both of us don't want to talk about it, but our meeting this afternoon with Bighit signals that your time is almost up here. I want to recap where we are in our work together and I want to know what you need from me before you head back to South Korea."

"I've tried not to think about it, I mean going back. I feel like for the first time in a long time, I feel at ease. I know starting the tour preparation will be hard and I would be lying if I said I felt completely ready." I say.

"What tools do you think you will use if you start to feel overwhelmed when you return?" Casey asks me.

"Definitely breathing techniques and telling myself positive statements. I know we have talked about I am going to communicate my needs to the people in my life going forward. I've been thinking a lot about what I will say and your be happy to know I already scheduled a meeting with just the guys for when I get back." I say.

"Jin, that's great! I bet the guys will be happy to see you." Casey smiles.

"I think this is the longest I have ever been away from them. Part of me can't wait to see them because they provide me comfort, but part of me is still nervous I will disappoint them if I haven't changed." I say.

"And I know I know, that statement is fortune telling. I would like to change that statement to "I will use the tools that I learned to help manage my anxiety. The guys love me and support me no matter what." I say as I mock roll my eyes at Casey.

Casey brings her hands up to her chest and fake gasps dramatically, "A+ my student."

We laugh together at our banter and Casey reaches up and places her hand on my shoulder and says "Jin, all jokes aside, I'm proud of you. You should be proud of yourself. You have done more work in the shortest amount of time I have ever had a client complete."

"How did your phone meeting with Dr. Kim go today?" Casey asks.

"It went well. We decided to keep my medication dose where it is for now and we will touch base when I get back to Seoul." I say.

"Do you feel a difference on medication?" Casey asks.

"It's hard to explain, but it basically feels like I use to me wearing a suit of velcro all the time and every single thing would stick to me and affect me. Now, I feel like I have more control over picking and choosing what I respond too." I say.

"That's a good analogy. I'm glad you have that tool for when you go back home." Casey says.

"Dr. Kim did mention that he will work with you to transfer my care over to another doctor in Korea. I didn't realize that." I say.

"Dr. Kim and I talked and we feel that it's best if you find care closer to home. We would like to still have you as a patient, but as we found out, the time difference makes that difficult." Casey explains.

"You're transferring too?" I ask.

"I wanted to talk about it with you. I want you to be able to have someone near that can work with you as much as you need going forward. I have been reaching out to some colleagues I have worked with on an academic level that have a practice in Seoul." Casey says.

"Ah, hold on." Casey says as she reaches for her ringing phone that is on the table besides her.

"It's a client, I have to take this." She says as she glances at the caller I.D.

I give her a no worries wave and she heads off into her bedroom. I stand up and start to clean up the kitchen from the waffle making. I quickly load the dishwasher and wipe a few crumbs off the counter.

        Leaning back on the counter behind me, I have lots of thoughts racing through my mind. I decide that I need to use a tool and I head back to my room and bring my knitting loom out to the living room.

       I plop down on the couch and get my yarn setup so it can easily unwind as I thread it through the loom with my hook. I watched a ton of youtube videos on how to use the loom. I am finally getting the hang of it and I don't have to keep looking at the video to see what to do next. I decided that my first project will be to make Mr. Tuff a little blanket as a parting gift. That ginger cat has become my friend and it makes me sad to think about leaving him.

    Casey was totally right. Keeping your hands busy helps. It's mindless just focusing on hooking over and bringing under. Hook over and bring under. The yarn ball continues to unwind and my knitted tube keeps getting longer and longer. The rhythm is comforting.

     Breath in, hook over, breath out, bring under.

      I am still reeling from the idea of switching therapists. I've grown attached to Casey. For the first time in a loooong time I feel more like myself and I know that working with Casey is 100% the cause of that. With the change of going back home and starting tour rehearsal and then the added change of losing Casey, I'm worried it might be too much. I don't want to go backwards.

      I continue to knit on the loom focusing on the motion. I am starting to be able to move my hands faster and faster and focusing on trying to increase my speed is taking all of the worry thoughts out of my head. When I finally lift up the loom to check the length of the blanket, I am surprised by how fast I was able to create something that could almost fit the length of Tuffs.

      Casey comes out of her bedroom and sits down on the couch next to me. She gives a great big sigh and leans her head backwards looking up at the ceiling and closes her eyes.

"All right there?" I ask her.

"Yeah, it's just hard for me to let go of former clients. Especially ones I have been working with for a long time. I desperately want to be able to fit everything for someone, but sometimes it's harder than just me wanting to fix someone you know." Casey explains with her eyes closed.

"I can't imagine taking on others' problems. I can barely handle my own." I say.

Casey opens her eyes and smiles at me. "I think you would surprise yourself. I think you're the type of person who would do anything for someone you're close to." she says.

I feel my ears heat up and I give her a pinched eye joking smile before saying, "Did Big Hit contact you about our planned meeting for this afternoon? Usually they send a link to the video conferencing platform." I explain.

"Let me check. We still have a little bit of time before." she says while taking her phone from her lap and opening her email app.

She scrolls for a bit before saying, "Here it is. Let me go get my laptop and get everything set up so we are ready." Casey says while standing up and going into her bedroom to retrieve her laptop.

        She returns and sets up the video conference on the coffee table in front of us. She has to go get a few books to place under her laptop so the video angle is better. I continue to knit. I wonder who will be on the chat and what questions they will ask. I feel a bubble of nerves in my tummy and I feel my heart beat start to increase in my chest. I so badly do not want to disappoint anyone. The guys, our team, and label. I want to feel better and most importantly be able to handle my job. I just have a lot of "what if's" going through my head. What if I have another episode in front of Army? What if the guys are disappointed in me? What if I am asked to leave? What if I have to enlist and leave BTS?

Casey clears her throat and says, "We have a few more minutes before we have to log on. I think the plan is just to have a conversation about what we have been working on together and some of the progress we have made. I especially want to talk about what support you feel you need moving forward and when your schedule starts again. I want you to know I won't share any specifics of your care, but will just speak to the therapeutic techniques. Does that sound good?"

"Sounds good." I say and finish the last loop on my row of my project before sitting it down on the table out of view of the camera.

       Casey starts to login and enter the password that was provided. She fiddles with the camera settings, tests the audio, and adjusts the camera angle again before sitting back next to me on the couch waiting for the other party to enter the conference.

      My knee starts to bob up and down. The feeling is back. The hand pressing on my chest. The hot flushed feeling radiating from my face. The breath hitching in my throat. Good god Jin get it together I want to shout.

Casey places her hand on my knee as it just started to increase to a couch bouncing level. "Jin, we got this."

       I just nod my head as I hear the chime sound that the other party has joined the line. The camera view is of the long conference table that I sat at not that long ago for my "intervention" and I can see Hitman sitting at the head of the table with our stylist team, head security, and our managers. I love these people. They are partially family to me. We've worked together for almost 8 years, but the sight of them feels overwhelming to me and challenges my new found place of security I have just found.

      Everyone says a simple greeting to each other; all talking over each other. Hitman goes over the agenda for the call and it's just like Casey explained earlier. Casey starts by talking about what we have been working on since my arrival in Chicago. She talks about the therapeutic techniques and what tools I have been using to manage my anxiety. She tells everyone that she is proud of me and my dedication to working on myself has been extraordinary.

      Everyone around the table makes positive statements about me and how hard I work. Then the talk turns to our upcoming schedule. Hitman shares his screen and shows the detailed schedule that will lead up to the first show of the tour. Dance rehearsal, singing lessons, individual rehearsal, unit rehearsal, concept design meetings, wardrobe meetings, promotion, shooting schedule for media, photoshoots, three separate appointments for HAIR.

      The feeling of not being able to control anything comes back in force. I try to use a tool that Casey taught me. I do 4-4-7 breathing and it brings my heart rate slowly down.

After going through the schedule, all of the attention turns to me. With Hitman saying, "Jin could you talk a little about the progress you have made and where you currently are."

        I can feel Casey noticeably tense beside me even though she turns to me and gives me an encouraging smile.

"Ah, yes. I have really enjoyed my time here. Working with Casey has been great... she's great.. Um at what she does." I say as I trail off uncomfortably.

I continue by saying, "I have learned some different tools to help manage my anxiety and have started on medication that has helped. It needs more time to build up in my system, but so far it has helped. I uh, still am working on myself. I want to be totally better and not let anyone down, but it is still something I am working on."

Casey smiles at me again and takes over as she can tell that I have run out of things to say. She turns her attention back to the group sitting at the table and says, "That's something I wanted to touch on next. The support Jin will need going forward and how we can make his transition back as smooth as possible."

Everyone nods at the table. Hitman asks me, "Jin, are you ready to get back into the schedule? We do not have any more time to be able to delay things any longer. The team is moving forward with the schedule and the tour and we want you to be a part of it, but I'm just trying to gauge where you are."

I sit and don't say anything. This is the fear. The fear that I can't join the team and that I will have no choice but to bow out. I think Casey can hear my breath hitch in my throat besides me.

Casey jumps in and says, "Jin has made so much progress, but anxiety is not something that we can flip a switch and it's all better forever. It is something that Jin will have to work on going forward, but I have no doubt that he will be able to do anything he sets his mind too. Going forward, I would like to transfer Jin's care to someone that is in Seoul and will be able to be more hands on and can offer more support in person. "

Silence lasts for a few seconds as everyone processes what Casey has said. Hitman speaks up first, "We are proud of the progress Jin has made, but we think he will need more support going forward. I don't like the idea of transerfing his care. Casey you are the best and that is why we sought you out. We are committed to getting Jin the care he needs. I would like to propose that you, Casey, come back to Seoul with Jin for the rehearsal period before the tour starts. That way you can provide support as Jin gets back into the schedule and then we can talk about transferring his care."

It's silent as everyone waits for Casey's response to what Hitman asked.

"Uh, how long is the rehearsal before the tour?" Casey says.

"One month." Hitman simply says.

Casey starts to stammer and I can tell she is thinking about all of her clients that she has had to transfer due to her taking me as a client. They need help too as evident by her earlier phone call.

I jump in and start to say, "There is no way that Casey can do that. She has her work here. She has other patients that need her too. She has given up so much to help me and It's not fair to ask her to give up all of that again to come back with me."

But before I can finish my thought, Casey interrupts me by simply saying, "I'll do it."

I whip my head back around to look at her face. She is nodding her head and turns to look me in the eyes. We lock eyes for a few moments before she says again, "I'll do it. I will come back to Seoul with Jin."