February, 2020

Casey

             I'm answering a few work emails while spread out on the couch, checking in with Dr. Parks about a patient when I get an alert that I received an email. Dr. Kim, who I have known for a few years, answered my email about getting Jin on his patient list. Yesterday, I feel optimistic that with our limited time left, I can teach Jin some tools for him to be successful when he heads back to Korea. I am not confident that he will not need services any longer, but I am hoping that we can find someone in Korea to transfer his care too.

              Even though I feel optimistic, I would be lying if I felt like we had adequate time, so luckily when I finish reading the email from Dr. Kim, he is able to see Jin today as a personal favor to me. Wahoo, I owe him dinner!

            Jin has been enjoying walking around the neighborhood almost daily. I think he likes the anonymity of being able to walk around and not worry about being spotted. In the evenings, we like going for walks together and we play a game where you pick a number between 10-50 and we count houses to find out which house we picked to live in forever. It's quite a fun game and sometimes we banter that the other person's house is better than the one we picked.

           We have settled into a nice routine that feels comfortable. Gone are the days my heart beating 1000 times a minute whenever I am around him. Trust me, he's still breathtakingly beautiful, but he's also just Jin.

               Jin enters the living room and breaks me from my thoughts. He has been in the kitchen for at least an hour cooking us lunch and he brings us two heaping plates of a curry dish and sets them down on the coffee table in front of us. It's nice having someone cook for me. It makes me feel cared for and that's a nice feeling. I spend so much time worrying about and caring for others that the shift feels even more special. I want to encourage Jin to find more activities that keeps his mind busy and he's been working on cooking some new dishes he's wanted to try.

              Jin sits down next to me, plopping down so our thighs are lightly brushing each other. Mr. Tuffs moves from the top of the couch back where he has been laying like a log and settles down on the other side of Jin. I think Mr. Tuffs has a slight crush.

"Try it, but don't judge all curry dishes on this one. It's my first attempt" Jin says while taking a large spoonful of the dish and popping it into his mouth.

I take my spoon and pick up a bit of rice covered with the thick rich sauce and take a bite. It's smooth and creamy and lightly spiced. "Jin, really good!" I say while turning my head to look at him.

"You think? There are a ton more things I want to make you. I've been making a mental list and working my way through them." Jin explains.

                   Both of us do not comment on the obvious fact that our time together is running out and that his time to cook through his list will most likely not be finished. Jin will be leaving at the end of this week to go back to South Korea and back into his fast pace schedule that being a part of BTS is about.

"I'm game to try whatever you make. You really are quite a good cook. Do you get a lot of practice at home?" I ask.

"I haven't really cooked in years. Unless we are doing a work thing that has me doing a cooking game, I usually get my meals prepped for me and delivered each week. Cooking more has made me realize how much I miss it. Cooking is a normal thing that I can do if I find the time to do it." Jin says.

"Ah, I wanted to tell you. I received an email from Dr. Kim my psychiatrist colleague that I told you about and he is able to get you in today for an initial consultation if you still would like to explore that further" I tell Jin.

"What would the first meeting be like?" Jin asks while taking another slurping bite of curry.

"Dr. Kim is exceptionally nice. I gave him a pretty thorough background of you so he is pretty informed on specifics. He would start by asking you to describe how you feel when you are anxious and things related to that. If he feels that medication would be a good fit, you will discuss more detailed things about doses and which medications. I just want you to know that you are totally driving this process. Medication is a decision you alone can make." I tell Jin while looking at his face for any signs of hesitation or confusion.

"I'm open to it. What time is the appointment?" Jin asks.

"His opening is at 2pm, so we will have to leave here in around 30 minutes. Does that work?" I ask him questionally.

            He gives me a thumbs up before he sits back on the couch and brings his plate up to his mouth, slurping the curry. We sit in slurping silence for a while, just enjoying being next to each other and the delicious meal Jin prepared. I can tell from his body language that he is nervous about the meeting with Dr.Kim. I don't want to press him any further unless he starts the dialogue surrounding the topic.

             Jin waits for me to finish my lunch before taking my plate and bringing them both to the kitchen. I hear him open the dishwasher in the kitchen and start to clean up from his lunch making. I want to give him a bit of space, so I open my laptop and finish up answering my emails.

             Before I have a chance to finish my long list of emails in my inbox, we are heading to the car to drive to the Dr. Kim appointment. As I turn onto the main road to head to the nondescript office building in midtown that houses Dr. Kims office, I can see Jin ringing his hands in the passenger seat next to me.

"How are you feeling?" I ask Jin while eyeing him.

"Pretty nervous. I only feel comfortable talking to you." Jin explains.

"I think you will really like Dr. Kim. How can I explain him... He's kind of an older professor type who has the calm and caring persona of dumbledore. Have you watched the Harry Potter series?" I ask him.

Jim laughs, "Are you one of those obsessed Harry Potter fans? I haven't watched them. AND I know I know, I'm missing out. If I had a dollar for everytime RM has tried to get me to watch them." Jin chuckles and puts his hands up in mock defence.

I glance at Jin in horror before saying, "Jin we are pretty close in age. How in the hell have you not watched them? Reading the books, fine fine I conceded on that front, but watching the movies? Have you lived under a rock?" I say to dismay.

"I knew you were one of thoses obsessed Harry Potter fanatics." Jin chuckles at me teasing my obvious shock.

"There is no way on this green earth that I am not making you watch the first movie with me tonight. If you don't like it, I will never mention it again, but as your friend, it is my duty." I say.

Jin smiles slyly at me before saying, "Friend huh? I guess since we are friends, I will have to comply with this favor you ask of me."

I blush slightly and say "Good" before pulling into the parking lot of the building that houses Dr. Kims practice.

           We exit the car and make our way into the office building. We walk a few paces down the hallway until we get to a sign that states "Dr. Kim Psycharatic Services". I turn to Jin and place my hand on his upper arm.

"Jin, it is ok to feel anxious, but I want you to remember that we are all on your team. We want you to succeed." I tell him and then drop my hand from his arm and open the office door.

              I go to take a seat in the waiting area while Jin goes and checks in at the receptionist. After a brief dialogue, Jin comes down and sits next to me.

              His leg is bouncing up and down while his hand is sitting on his knee. I turn to Jin and prompt him about a tool he could use in this situation.

             He picks 4-4-7 breathing and we go through the exercise together a few times. I remind him to focus on the breath outward and to push all of that anxious energy out. His leg bouncing slows in pace and I point out a recipe in the old office magazine that is on my lap that I was looking at.

             We look through the magazine together for a few minutes until the door opens and Dr. Kim comes out into the waiting room.

           Dr. Kim is jovial as always and gives me a big hug asking how long it's been since we last saw each other. I tell him that we need to schedule a dinner out to catch up and then I turn to introduce Jin. Jin formally shakes his hand and gives a slight bow of the head in a sign of respect.

"Jin my son, let's go back and talk." Dr. Kim says while tapping lightly on Jins back.

            I give Jin a scrunched up grin and a thumbs up while I go to sit back down in the waiting area.

           Jin and Dr. Kim walk into the back part of the office and I continue to look at out of date magazines that are sitting on the side table next to me.

            I've flipped through all of the old magazines on the table before I reach in my tote bag and pull out my phone. 2:45pm. Jin has been back for 45mins so far. I know that Dr. Kims appointments are usually booked in an hour time slot, but initial appointments can sometimes take a little longer depending.

             I close my eyes briefly while rolling my head back and forth to stretch my neck muscles. I take a couple of deep breaths before I open my eyes. I feel a little anxious about Jins meeting with Dr. Kim. I want it to go well. There is know one better than Dr. Kim, but I'm worried Jin might start to shut down if he's pressed too hard. It's actually something I'm quite worried about. I know when Jin leaves the sanctuary that is my home, things will get a lot more complicated for him and I want to make sure that he stays on the road to recovery. We have a virtual meeting with Big Hit in a couple of days before Jin heads back home. I'm hoping to start the search for a therapist I can recommend in Korea to continue his care.

           I hear the sounds of the door starting to open and I place my phone back in my tote bag and stand up. Jin and Dr. Kim comes walking out of the office and both are smiling and laughing at something that they were discussing. The pit in my stomach drops at the sight.

Dr. Kim addresses me by saying, "Casey what a nice young man you have here. The visit went great, but I will let him share what he would like with you. Keep me updated about his care and when he transfers psychiatrist, I'll make sure to transfer his care over."

"Will do. Thank you again for fitting us in on such short notice. I will be in touch about making some dinner plans soon." I say while waving a goodbye as Dr. Kim takes his next appointment back.

I turn to Jin and say, "Ready to go?"

         Jin nods and leads the way out of the office. On the way back to the car I explain to Jin my idea about going to a craft store on the way back home and finding him a new hobby that he will be able to take back to Korea with him and keep his hands busy. I always like to think that busy hands = a quiet mind.

Jin is more than willing to go to the craft store and as we are making our way he says to me, "I really like Dr. Kim. I don't know if he's like dumbledore, but he's really kind."

"Well, you will find out tonight if you agree with me. Did you guys decide on anything going forward?" I ask Jin.

"Yeah, we decided that starting a small dose of an anxiety medication may be a helpful place to start. He's concerned that with the big changes coming up that it may trigger more anxious feelings." Jin says.

"I worry about that too." I tell him. "I know that we don't want to talk about it, but our time together is getting shorter." I sigh.

            As we pull into the parking space in front of the craft store and I put the car in park, I turn to Jin and say are you ready to find a new hobby and maybe on our way home we can head to the pharmacy to fill your prescription?

"Let's do it" Jin says.

           We head into the store and start going down aisle after aisle of crafting supplies. Paper crafts, drawing supplies, kids craft kits, paint supplies. We continue to walk around the store, weaving through each and every aisle. I'm not sure if Jin has ever been a crafter before, but he definitely seems excited and is asking all sorts of questions.

           We get to the section with a huge wall full of different spools of yarns and I can tell that Jin is hooked. He is going up and down the aisle touching each of the different colored spools of yarn and exclaiming how each one is softer than the next one.

             I explained to him that he could learn to knit. I try to sell him on how easy it would be to transport and that he could do a little bit at a time whenever he had a few moments to himself. BUT when I show him all the different sizes of knitting needles and we peer at a youtube video of basic knitting patterns, I can tell that it might be too advanced.

"Ohh, I have a better idea." I tell Jin while I walk over to the kids crafting section.

"Casey this is for kids" Jin whines.

"Trust me, I know the perfect thing." I say while leading him over to a section on a wall.

          I reach up and pull down a knitting loom. I explain that he won't have to learn the different patterns of knitting and that this will make it easier but he will still be able to make a lot of different projects.

        I finally sell him on the knitting loom and he goes and starts the fun part; picking out different types of yarn. He picks out different shades of purple yarn to "make the boys something" and some cool yarn that is ombre and transitions color as you knit.

          On our way back to the car, each of us has a few bags full of supplies. Jin is in a really good mood and we both are cracking each other up thinking of different things Jin could knit out of yarn. A side bag for J-hope has to be my favorite idea, making me snort with laughter picturing it.

           On the way home we fill his first prescription of the anxiety medication prescribed by Dr. Kim. Jin is more quiet on the way home, turning the pill bottle round and round in his hands while watching all of the small white pills slide inside.

         When we arrive back home, it's dinner time and we order take out from a really good italian place that is in my neighborhood. After we place our order I all but shout at him to sit down on the couch and tell him to "get comfortable" as I take the remote and start to play the first Harry Potter movie.

I sit down beside him and eagerly tell him, "Are you ready for your life to change?"

          Jin rolls his eyes at me while pulling down the throw blanket on the back of the couch and covering up both of our laps.