January, 2020

Jin

            I found myself snuggled deeply in a plush mattress with a feather duvet cover billowed around me. I stretch my arms above my head and turn my wrists feeling the clicks of my muscles stretching. My eyes open with a jolt as the past 24 hours comes flashing back into my consciousness. I lay in bed reminding myself where I am. Chicago. Whose guest bedroom I am in. Casey's. And the purpose of my trip halfway across the world. To become World Wide Handson once again.

           I slept hard. When sleep found me, my dreams vanished, the constant anxiety subsided, and the hand had all but disappeared. I woke up feeling more myself than I had felt in about 6 months. Which is why when I washed the travel grubbiness off in the in-room bathroom and pulled on a fresh pair of cargo pants and a cardigan, I caught my reflection in the mirror and the sides of my mouth turned upwards slightly and I felt like I had made the right decision coming here.

          I turned the bedroom door handle, walking out into Casey's living room. Casey was sitting crossed legged on the couch with her laptop perched on her lap and documents and papers everywhere in neat little piles.

I cleared my throat, "You look deep in work. Do you want me to entertain myself?"

"NOOO! I need a break. I have been reading student research proposals for hours and my mind is just about turned to mush," Casey says while rubbing her temples slightly.

"How did you sleep?" she inquires.

"I actually feel well rested and after months of not sleeping well, that is an amazing feeling," I say while rocking back on my heels.

Casey smiles broadly at me with her nose wrinkling and her eyes slightly smushed. "Does that mean Jin is ready to take on Chicagoland and brave the suburban mecca with a walk?" she says.

Laughing for what feels like the first time in weeks, I say "As long as I had a steadfast leader to guide me and keep me safe. Let's go!"

        Casey gathers her papers from the coffee table and places them into an organized binder in her leather tote bag while shutting down her computer. When she stands up, a fluffy ginger cat pokes its head out of the deep recess of the couch and I give an audible gasp of surprise.

Casey looks up at me and winces a little before saying, "I'm sorry, I totally forgot to tell you about Captain Mc.Tufferston. He really is quite harmless and I promise he will leave you alone."

"No no no, it's ok. He just scared me, that's all. I was not expecting such a ferocious lion to be kept as a pet." I laugh.

Casey glances at me in order to read my expression to see if I am indeed ok with her kitty friend before says, "Captain Mc.Tufferston is a mouthful to say. You can simply refer to him as Mr.Tuffs.

I walk forward and awkwardly pat the cat on the head before saying, "Nice to meet you Mr. Tuffs."

Casey looks up at me and says, "are you ready?"

I wordlessly nod my head and we walk over to where shoes our by the front door.

         When I bound down the three steps off of her porch and when we pick up our pace as we walk on the sidewalk past her house, I feel a bolt of energy. Maybe it's being well rested, maybe it's being away from the stress of BTS in Korea, but I accept the feeling and try to enjoy being in the moment.

        Her neighborhood is lovely. Each house on the street is a different style. Some of the houses are tiny with little well maintained yards and others are two stories and have a sloped roof. I like looking at each house and imagining all the different families that live inside. Walking down her street, things feel more simple and less complicated than they have felt before.

I break the silence by saying, "This is a beautiful place. How long have you lived here?"

"I've lived in Chicago my entire life. I was able to purchase my house about 5 years ago after saving up for a long time. I've moved around a lot, so it's been nice to have a more permanent place to call home." Casey says with a tiny bit of sadness catching in her throat.

"I get that. I moved with my family to a different area of Korea when I was young. I had to leave my school and the friends that I made and start all over again. In my teen years, things changed again and I have moved more times than I can count since then." I say.

"Do you think that change makes you feel more anxious?" Casey says inquisitively.

I look her in the eyes for a few beats before I ponder the question in my head. I'm not sure how to answer the question.

I finally say, "there are times when I like the fast pace of my life. I have a really good group of friends who share similar experiences, so that helps, but I guess I feel like I can never let my guard down. I can feel comfortable in the moment, but never long term."

Casey ponders my answer a bit before saying, "If you always feel like things are changing, it can be hard to find things to keep you grounded. Part of what I want us to work on this next month is finding tools that can help you feel like you are in control of your life and not the anxiety dictating everything. I want you to feel like you have ownership of your life and you have tools in your arsenal before you go back home."

I nod my head at Casey giving her a thoughtful "ummm". The problem with this is that I have NO CONTROL whatsoever in my life. Hell, I can hardly plan a vacation a year from now, let alone plan what tomorrow will bring.

          We round the corner of Casey's street, heading towards her house. My stomach gives an almighty rumble. Reminding me that I am starving.

        Casey and I made eye contact and we both laugh out loud.

"If you're feeling up to it, I was thinking we could go get some groceries for the week and we could pick up takeout at a really good Korea place that I go to sometimes." Casey says.

"Let's do it." I say.

          We finish walking the short distance back to her house and I wait in the driveway next to the car while she goes in and gets her bag and keys. We get in the car and she reverses down the short driveway turning left and heading to the main road.

          The drive is somewhat short. So much shorter than the drive back from the airport. We stay on main roads and do not have to merge on the highway. Casey looks much more relaxed than she did on the previous drive. Her shoulders are not clenched to her ears and has a slight smile on her face.

"I'm taking you to Trader Joes. It is my all time favorite place to shop for groceries. They have all sorts of foods from around the world, a great frozen selection, and their holiday and seasonal products are the best. Please feel free to get whatever you want. Jong-hoon from Jeon, Park, Kim and Associates sent me a bank card to use for expenses related to your treatment." Casey says.

        I take it Jong-hoon was hired by Big Hit and it confirms my suspicion that Casey has signed an ironclad contract and non-disclosure agreement. This doesn't provide me any comfort. It just reminds me how different my life is and the reason why I am here in the first place.

"Thank you." I simply state.

            We arrive at the parking lot of a small community looking store. The parking lot is packed. Casey pulls out her phone and brings up the menu of the Korea restaurant that we will be ordering from. By the pictures, I can tell this is a place that I will like. Big bowls of Kimchi stew, plates of galbi pork ribs, and a really good looking naengmyeon.

          We place our order online for pick up. I try to restrain myself when ordering my dinner; only ordering three dishes and some mandu.

          Entering the store, I can tell that this is different from a Korean market. The store is arranged by section; produce, frozen, shelf, drinks, etc. Casey takes a shopping cart from the long row in front of the store and we proceed to walk through the entire store placing items in along the way. She's right when she said that they have a ton of different styles of food. Not just western food, but Korean, Chinese, and Indian too. The cart is fairly loaded when we make our way to the check out. Casey insisted that I try something called cookie butter, calling it "life changing".

         By the time we place all of the paper bags full of groceries in the back trunk, it's time for our dinner order to be ready.

            The Korean restaurant is in the adjacent shopping complex. I wait in the car while Casey goes in to pick up the order and before I lose my will power and tear open a carton of cold noodles with my bare hands, we make it back to her place. Seated at the table, I can barely control myself when I take out the different containers chucked full of food and begin to eat with glee.

           The food is really good. It reminds me of the local place that the guys and I went to in our trainee days. The Kimchi stew is almost identical. This gets me thinking about the guys. Our shared history and the upcoming challenges that I face. I can feel that hand start to creep back. I feel a momentary pang of panic. I was feeling so well being here. Why do I feel this way. I feel defeated and this thinking starts an all consuming feeling of fear and failure at the thought of the upcoming month and what I face after the time has passed.

        I try my best to hide what is happening, but I think the tears rolling down my face into my mandu sauce might have given away how I was feeling.

       I can tell that Casey has noticed and is looking at me. My face is still casten down towards the table, feeling embarrassed. Casey clears her throat and places her hand on top of mine. Gently giving it a comforting squeeze.

"What you are feeling is totally normal. It's normal to feel overwhelmed. Man, so much has changed for you in the past year, let alone the past 24 hours. It's best to let the pressure not build and please know that this feeling will pass with time." Casey says with care.

         So this is how we spend the rest of our dinner. Both of us eating our take out and me with uncontrollable tears escaping my eyes making my noodles salty.