January, 20202

Jin

        I think back to my texting session with my...I guess therapist would be the right word. I still am doubtful that I will be able to fix the thing inside that has broken. The hand is present as always, squeezing away and once in a while random scary thoughts will enter my head. Occasionally, I get caught off guard and my breath hitches in my throat.

    It's still hard for me to put into words and to describe how I feel. Growing up, I never really was taught to identify how I feel, just always moving on and getting on with things.

     I'm curious who my therapist is. At first I imagined an old stuffy guy, but after exchanging texts, this person has a light mild humor that I find very funny. I still am thinking of my three questions that I have to ask for my homework and I am wondering if I can just ask them. Who are you? Maybe that is too weird. Is it crossing a line?

    I pull open my phone and click on the contact "Remedy" and start to type out my homework questions.

Jin: Hi, I am sending you my homework.

What is your name?

What is your favorite video game?

Where were you born?

     Before I can chicken out, I press send and see the text has been delivered. I see that the text changes from delivered to read and I sit waiting. It's a strange thing to be texting someone that you don't know anything about and I wondering if they know who I am?

     My phone chimes and I read the following message;

Casey: Hello, good job getting your homework done so early in the day!

My name is Casey Costello, nice to meet you (;

Definitely Mario Kart. I have been told that I am very competitive when playing it and I rarely lose.

I was born in Chicago which is located in Illinois. It is part of the Midwest in the United States.

       So my therapist's name is Casey. I'm not super familiar with American names and I am not sure if that is a boy or girl name. I click open google on my phone and type in Casey Costello and press search. Thousands of articles, journals, and news clipping pop up. I click on the first search link which is the University of Chicago's website. The staff directory pops up on the screen and there is a picture of Casey and Casey is most definitely a girl. The picture is a typical business picture and only shows her head and shoulders. She has a very kind face with glasses perched on her nose with light brown hair with some golden tones throughout. Her face is heart shaped and her eyes are a beautiful bright blue. I am taken aback by her. I continue to read her bio and instantly I become very impressed. She is the youngest faculty chair in the history of the University and has more than 30 publications where she is the main author. She is listed as the world's leading expert on treatment of anxiety disorders and has spoken around the world.

   I go back to the search results and the second list is for a Community Center located in Chicago. Casey is listed as the director of therapy services and I see that she gives her time for free and provides services to children and those that cannot afford treatment.

     Wow, I can see why Big Hit picked her. She definitely is qualified. It throws me a little off to know that she is around my age and if I'm being honest, she's very cute. It also makes me a little self-conscious to think how smart she is and all that she has accomplished and I just dance and sing for a living.

      I click open Facebook and type her name in. No results show. I then open Instagram and one result shows, but when I click on it I can tell that it is not the Casey Costello I am looking for. Well this is interesting isn't it. What mid 20's something is not on social media? Casey certainly is an enigma.

     My phone sounds and Casey texts me back with my homework. She asks me to search "anxiety" and to spend about 30 minutes reading what I find. She says to take a few notes or write down any thoughts that I have while I search and we will discuss them during our session time tonight. I text her back a thumbs up sign.

     I walk into my kitchen and I pull open the fridge looking for something to eat. Our management has been ordering in my meal and having them delivered to my apartment. I think J-Hope must have told them that I had nothing in my kitchen besides a few packs of ramen.

     I open a container and look inside to find cold sesame noodles with chicken. My favorite! I take the container and find a piece of paper, my laptop, and a pen and sit down at my kitchen table. I slurp my noodles as I open my computer and type in the word anxiety. 327 million results show up.

I click on the first link and read the following;

"Experiencing occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. However, people with anxiety disorders frequently have intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Often, anxiety disorders involve repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). These feelings of anxiety and panic interfere with daily activities, are difficult to control, are out of proportion to the actual danger and can last a long time. You may avoid places or situations to prevent these feelings. Symptoms of generalized anxiety can include fatigue, restlessness, irritability, difficult sleeping, and impaired concentration.

       I read and re-read this paragraph over and over again. A few key words stick out; excessive worry, sudden feelings, difficult sleeping, and interfere with daily life and write them down on the piece of paper.

     I continue to read and open new tabs on my search browser. Way more than 30 minutes pass and when I finally shut my computer screen I am shocked at all the information that I gathered and how much it fits what I am feeling inside and what has been happening the last year. It makes my heart feel a little lighter knowing that many people feel this and I am not alone.

      Having been so absorbed in my web searching, it's about time for my session with Casey. I look down at all my names which are written in Korean and I am not sure how to translate these things in order to discuss them. Maybe we could speak on the phone instead? It would definitely be easier for me and in a way now that I know what Casey looks like, I kind of want to hear what her voice sounds like.