I guess things have changed between the two of us already, and I supposed it couldn't be helped. It is awkward and uncomfortable, the conversation doesn't flow like it used to.

On my end, I'm too aware it's Gareth the one sitting across from me, the guy I'm trying so hard to get over, the same boy who knows how I feel about him even if I haven't said a thing about it, and who has rejected me twice already. It scares me that whatever I say might make it even more obvious and it would make him feel uncomfortable. I can't even meet his eyes, I'm too focused on the food I've absentmindedly ordered.

On Gareth's end, I have no idea what is happening but he is also weird. Instead of focusing on his food or anything else, his eyes are on me. I can feel his stare, hot and heavy, making me blush even if I don't meet his eyes. But even if he stares, he doesn't say anything and the silence is making me sweat, in that bad, cold, nervous kind of sweat.

"So," I say at the same time Gareth opens his mouth with the same word. "You go first," I immediately add. I didn't really have something to comment on, I was jut hoping to break the ice, but I rather leave that to him.

"Oh, nothing in particular. I just wanted to know if you meet them often, that's all. Your Oxford friends," Gareth asked.

"Oh, well, lately not that often. I've been so busy I can't meet them and as they are studying they don't have that much time, either. But I try to meet them as often as I can, besides, they always call and ask if I have a few minutes free. When I can, I drop by the bookshop Ella works at, Charlie is normally there, studying with her. I can't always stay for too long, though, which is a pity."

"Only Ella works? What about Charlie? Doesn't he have a job or so?"

"Nope," I reply. "His family is quite wealthy so he doesn't need to, he uses his free time to study or hang out with Ella. She doesn't need to work either, her family own this retreat centre for celebrities. Maybe you know about it? Anyways, she works because she likes books and wanted to be more independent, that's all."

"Oh, I see. And you said both study medicine? They surely need to study a lot, uh? Probably, it's harder to meet and such," Gareth commented next.

"I would think the same, but I believe both are so clever they don't struggle that much. Yes, they study, but I have never seen them stressed or drying with all what they have to do. They seem to manage so well. And Charlie helps Ella with everything she doesn't understand. She told me the other time he was the best student in most of their classes."

"Oh," Gareth mumbled, a sound that rings with annoyance. "Isn't he the perfect catch? Future doctor, good family and extremely intelligent. You hit jackpot there, uh?"

I'm impressed because since I met Gareth I have never heard him talking like that, it's ironic, almost mocking the way his voice gets to me. Even his expression shows disdain, his eyes aren't cold but annoyed. Anyone would say he's jealous, but why is he like that? He rejected me twice, he has no right to be. It's not that he can't, maybe he is, but that's low of him. He's made clear nothing will happen between us, he's pushed me to forget my crush on him and move on, so why would he feel jealous? Why would he want me forever hanging on to him and such? That's cruel. I don't want to believe he would be like that. Whether it's Charlie or someone else, I am free to like whomever I want, I don't owe him my undying love.

"I think that's why my mum likes him so much. She keeps saying he's such a good catch, and so does Cece. Besides, he's a good guy. He makes me laugh and tries to help me, even if it means it's unfair for him," I say, getting angry at Gareth right now, feeling disappointed in him.

He tenses, I can notice it. His face hardens and his eyes become cold ice.

"It seems everyone supports the two of you, uh?" Gareth mumbles, digging his fork in his plate, stabbing his food.

"Everyone does," I continue, not bothering to clear the misunderstanding. I want Gareth to know I'm moving on, even if I'm as in love as I was before. I don't like that he thinks I'll be always looking at him, and I really don't like that he seems pissed that I might be moving on.

"Wonderful, isn't it?"

I have never seen Gareth sounding and looking angry, and if I weren't annoyed myself, then I'd be impressed. But right now there's only room for irritation.

We don't talk much for the rest of the evening, both of us sulking on our own. It's awkward until we go back to his van. He asks Andrew to drive me home but I refuse, telling him that at the office Aaron is waiting for me, he drives me home every day, it's part of his job. "Besides, I feel like dropping by the bookshop and seeing Ella and Charlie," I add, just to keep poking him.

What if I'm being childish? Not because I have a one-side love it means I have to be stupid and accept everything he does. I like him, I don't worship him, neither am I his subject or anything.

My words get the expected reaction: they annoy him. When he drops me at the office he barely mumbles a goodbye before driving away. I don't even mind, I'm angry, too, but I do text Ella asking if she'll be at the bookshop working today. Good luck she is, so I do ask Aaron to drop me there. When I arrive, Charlie is also there, catching his breath because it seems he ran there when Ella told him I was coming.

"Happy birthday!" they shout at the same time when they see me coming in. Charlie is the first to give me a tight hug, but then Ella pushes him and I'm in her arms. Seeing them improves my mood a bit, which is good. "I'm so happy we could see you today," Ella adds as Charlie goes for something behind the desk.

He comes out with a small cake and eighteen lit up candles. Together they sing for me, making me forget the bad time I had with Gareth for a while. But that comes back soon, and of course the two of them notice there's something bothering me.

"What happened?" Ella asks without preambles, even folding her arms. "You shouldn't have that expression when it's your birthday. It's a happy day!"

"It's nothing serious, it was just... a bad moment with Gareth, that's all," I explain. I'm glad it's not awkward talking about that with Charlie. He's clever and a nice guy, he knows we tried but it didn't work, and now we're just friends.

"What did he do? Should I go to London and cause an scandal?" Charlie offers, making me chuckle a bit.

"It's just..." I heave a tired sigh. It Gareth's attitude during our dinner still bothers me. "He was acting like a jerk. He asked a lot about you two and looked pissed, especially when I talked about you, Charlie," I explain, trying not to say Gareth looked jealous because it's more complex than that.

"You mean jealous?" Ella inquires. Clearly, my attempt not to make it sound like that failed.

"I guess," I accept. "Which is stupid, he has no reason to be jealous."

"Well..." Charlie starts. "Any guy would feel threatened if they know I'm the guy who's trying to steal his girl," Charlie jokes, easing the atmosphere of the situation. I chuckle, feeling so grateful. "But really, why wouldn't he feel jealous?"

"Because he has no right!" I protest. "He rejected me twice. Twice," I emphasise. "He can't be jealous when he's made so clear he doesn't like me like that. It's hypocritical of him to act like that. He can't expect me to be always hanging on to him like a fool, and he can't get angry when I try to move on when he's pushed me to that. He can't!" I exclaim, realising then how frustrated his attitude has made me.

I bet Cece would tell me to calm down and be happy, because if Gareth is jealous then it means there's hope. But I don't like it like this, it feels almost like a whim. I'm not his property, or toy or anything. If he doesn't want me by his side, then he can't expect me to stay alone forever or to never date anyone else. That's just not fair.

"Maybe he changed his mind," Ella offers, a little smile on her lips.

"Well, it's kinda a bit too late for that. I'm not going to sit there and wait for him to reject me a third time. I'm not a masochist and I got the memo the first two times."

Ella and Charlie look at each other, like trying to find what to say to help me or encourage me, but they fail. At the end they shrug and accept it's my choice. I think I've been hurt enough as to keep foolishly loving him on my own.

Maybe it was good what he did today. This disappointment, this anger will help me move on. Yes, it's a good thing.

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I don't have much time to move on or anything. I'm covered in work as the shooting of the film gets closer to its end. We start working on teasers and releasing bits to the media, so I'm solely focused on that. I don't even have time to visit the set anymore, which is kind of pointless by now. It won't make much of a difference the few scenes that are left. I need to focus on the post production stage and the company itself. It's not because I want to, it's more like a natural thing that Gareth gets pushed to the back of my mind. I don't have time to focus on myself and my feelings, it's just work, work and more work.

Regardless, we make it to the end of the shooting by the beginning of December and it feels great that we've got this far without me messing it up. Maybe I'm being too overly excited about this, but once the shooting ends I make sure to throw a party to celebrate that it worked out and nothing exploded in my face. It's kind of silly how I just add more work for myself, but it's something I do happily. I want everyone to celebrate and feel rewarded for their hard work, even if we just finished one stage. Now it comes the next and it's as hard as the previous, if not harder. We have so many hours of shooting and it needs to be reduced to around two hours.

That it's going to be quite the mission.

It doesn't matter if I had to stay overnight quite a few times to organise everything and still manage to have a party, it's all worth it when I see everyone that was involved in this first stage having fun. There's still a long process until Typhoon gets to the big screen, but doing this feels great. It's like someone patting your back and telling 'good work.'

When I arrive with Cece, everyone is there already. We rented a big club, DJ, catering and everything that we would possibly need to have a good time. It's loud and crowded, but I get a feeling of bubbling happiness when I see them all dancing, drinking; basically, having fun.

"Now that you can legally drink," Cece says. "We need to celebrate even harder. You're halfway there, Ann." My friend grabs two glasses of champagne when a waiter is passing by and hands me one. "For a smooth rest of production," he proposes.

"For a successful production," I cheer, clicking our glasses together and smiling happily.

I've been so busy, always running and this feels like the first time I have time to stop and relax, to have fun. I can breathe, and it feels great. I needed this, as much as everyone else.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, so I naturally turn to see who's looking for me, just to find Gareth there, smiling a bit hesitantly. We haven't talked much, just awkward greetings the few times we've seen each other since my birthday. I don't even know how to look at him right now. I'm not angry anymore, I kind of overreacted that day because it had just happened then. After so many days, it cooled off. Now it's just... awkward.

"You look lovely tonight," Gareth says, not something I would expect. Cece did my makeup and hair because he insisted, but still, it wasn't much. I didn't care about that, I just wanted to come and have fun with him. I think I've looked better before, but Gareth never pointed it out.

"Thank you," I say, still feeling awkward. "I didn't think you'd come."

"I thought it'd be the only way to see you," he says, surprising me a bit. "We haven't been able to talk after your birthday and I—I'm sorry for how I acted that day. I don't really have an excuse."

"You don't need one," I say, hurrying to close the problem between the two of us. Dragging it will only make me think of those feelings I haven't had time to explore lately. "It's fine, really," I insist when I see his unconvinced expression. "What matters now is to have fun. The shooting is over. We're here to celebrate!" I try to sound as cheerful as possible.

"Yeah." But Gareth sounds the opposite. "Which means I'll see you even less," he adds, or I think he does. He isn't loud enough.

"Then you should stay around all night!" Cece suggests, stepping forward, wrapping an arm around me and kind of dragging me a bit closer to Gareth. "This might be the last time you have to spend time like this, right?"

Gareth and I look at each other, only then realising that. He won't be exactly needed until the promotion stage of the film, for which we still have a few months to go. And even then, I won't be that involved. Father will, most likely, be back by then. Cece is right, this might be the last time Gareth and I see each other like this, because I doubt we'll ever hang out as friends, like I will with Cece, for instance.

"What do you say?" Gareth asks me, his eyes clouded with emotions I can't decipher. "Do you mind if I stay around tonight?" I shake my head, giving him a little smile, letting the longing come forward now that my head has had time to realise this is also a farewell party, kind of. And despite everything, yes, I want to spend it next to Gareth.

"That'd be nice." He smiles back, but there's still something in his eyes, something that tugs at my heartstrings. I feel my chest tightening, wary already of this night ending. But that's not something I can stop, this day was coming sooner or later. I just think it arrived sooner than I expected.

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For next chapter I promise... overflowing feels! You'll see ;)

Dedication to plumenoirrainbow To your question: the outline is for 43 chapters + an epilogue, but that can always vary.

Bel, xx

~updates every Tuesday although I'm thinking of changing them to Wednesdays 'cos I have a bit more of time that day...~