With a very awkward excuse, I leave Gareth because I'm afraid I won't be able to control my facial expression anymore, that the pain I'm feeling in my chest will be exposed and the humiliation will be too much to bear. I can cope with Jerry and his constant belittling, I can bear with the investors looking down on me with suspicious eyes and asking if an adult can join us. I can even cope with everyone else thinking I'm just a kid playing to be a grownup. I really can endure all those humiliations, but if Gareth sees I'm just a heartbroken girl because I've developed a one-side crush, then I don't think I'll be able to meet his eyes ever again.

As I walk away, I don't really know where to go and what to do with myself. No, it's not because it's been the hardest blow or because my heart is so broken I can't even put myself together. It's just because all the feelings are raw and I need a few seconds to collect myself, but whilst walking that part is a bit hard for me. But if I stop now Gareth will see me and wonder what's wrong. He might even come and ask if something happened so I need to pretend. I told him I was looking for Terry to discuss something about the upcoming production, which is a complete lie because we haven't reached that stage yet. However, I still need to find her and pretend like I really have something to say and then I can go hide until I can sort my thoughts out.

I luckily spot her without trying to hard and once I reach her, I just ask her how things are going. Anything to keep my mind busy and away from what just happened with the actor. Somehow, we end up talking about the film and her opinion on how things are looking so far.

"It's hard to tell," she says regarding the whole product. "The scenes they've shot so far are so scattered and in any order so I can't really see the whole product yet. But the bits and pieces I've seen are looking great and it makes me so excited for the final result." She smiles to give more positive attitude to her answer and I nod.

"Well, soon we'll finish with the shooting outdoors and move to the studios. There the film will take more shape and you'll be able to visualise it," I comment realising that time has actually flown by. We've been near six weeks but it seems we just arrived to Glencoe one week ago. "Are you enjoying the experience of taking part of the production?"

"Oh yes, very much so. I'm learning so much," she replies and I smile widely.

I'm about to make my next question when I notice Cece coming this way, with a bright and wide smile, waving happily. I give a small wave in return, focusing on Terry once again, but from the corner of my eye I manage to see Cece frowning and changing the joyful expression for a concerned one. He immediately breaks in a jog to arrive faster to my side.

"Ladies, happy to see you. How are you doing this fine day?" he asks when he finally reaches my side, his arm instinctively wraps around my shoulders, pulling me closely to his side. I kind of deflate next to him, even lowering my gaze and Cece hugs me tighter.

"Wonderful. We were just discussing the film," Terry replies cheerly, but I just need to look up for a second to notice she knows. She is aware something's up with me and she's just being polite, following me along this charade.

I'm not surprised a writer like her can pick up what's going on so fast and knows how to react. Instead of asking me what's wrong, she just kept answering. I suddenly feel so grateful towards her and I like her so much more.

"That's splendid, I'm sure you'll be happy with the product. My girl friend here is fighting her life to make the best adaptation out of your book, so have faith in her," Cece comments and I can't help the smile that comes to my lips when he utters those words.

"I do," Terry affirms with conviction and for a second I think I might burst out crying.

"Anyhow, I'll take this lady with me. We have secret business to discuss," Cece continues in a secretive tone that only makes Terry laugh. "See you around, miss author."

And that is how Cece drags me away, without saying a word until we find ourselves away from anyone else, in the tranquility of the location we've chosen. And still then, he gives me a few seconds I use to breathe in and out until I feel in control of my own emotions.

"What happened, Ann?" he asks when he assumes I'm ready to answer.

"Remember how you told me if I saw the chance I had to seize it?" I start and Cece nods. "I did. I asked him his opinion about love and relationships. Guess what he said?"

I think my voice sounds sour enough to give him the answer because he doesn't make a verbal response, he just pulls me in his arms and gives me the tightest hug I've ever received; tighter than the ones my own mother gives me. And I curl up in his chest, holding on to him as I fight tears that are welling up in my eyes. I don't know why I feel so heartbroken, it's not like Gareth ever told me he liked me back or that he had some sort of feelings for me. He never gave me a sign or anything. Not even once he gave me hopes and I kind of suspected this, but I can't help it. I feel so torn apart.

"Oh my Ann," Cece mumbles, stroking my short hair. "I'm so sorry. He said he didn't believe in those things, didn't he?"

"He said he didn't want any of those things. That love was overrated and even if he ever fancied someone he wouldn't pursue anything because he was solely focused on his career." I take a deep breath and push a bit to look up at Cece with teary eyes. I can still see his pitiful expression. "It ended even before it began."

"Oh, Ann," Cece laments, pulling me again for another tight hug that I appreciate so much. I bury my face in his chest and let the first tears fall.

I want to scold myself for being this emotional and weak, for letting a simple disillusion affect me this way, but I can't help it. I guess I can't fight my nature. I'm still a teenager, wearing my heart on my sleeve and feeling more intensely because I haven't learnt yet to control my own emotions. I can't deny how old and unexperienced I am, no matter what makeup I wear or outfit. No matter how much Cece helps me to look older, I'm still just seventeen, having my first crush and first heartbreak.

"It seems you liked him more than any of us imagined," my friend comments and I nod.

"It seems so," I agree, barely audible because I still have my face buried in his chest and the words are muffled with the fabric of his tee.

"His loss," Cece adds. "He can't see the great girl in front of his eyes and I bet my lovely arse than he'll regret in the future. Mark my words, Ann." I both chuckle and sob at his words, and he just hugs me tighter, still stroking my hair.

I don't say anything else because even if he regrets in the future that won't change anything. The idea doesn't console my heart, and to be honest, I prefer if he never regrets his choices and decisions. I want him to live at ease and comfortable, no matter what.

Yes, it really seems I liked him more than any of us realised.

⋙⋘

Everyone has a first love and most of the time a first love is just that: something that happened, a memory, disillusionment. In most cases it does not end in anything. As it happened to me, it doesn't even have the chance the blossom and it dies before you can even live it. In other cases it shortly dies after you've seen the first blossom. And in very few rare cases the blossom becomes a full grown flower and it perdures in time, for as long as that flower lives.

No matter what, it is a first love and it is called that because it just happens before any other. It's not the only love, which means more, hopefully, will come. It's not the end of the world and everyone can move on if that's what they want.

That's my decision. I will move on and leave this painful first love behind. I hope that in the future I'll be able to look back and remember it with a sweet taste in my mouth, but as for now I just have to focus on other things and try to avoid thinking of it.

That is very hard. I think it wouldn't be that so if we were back home, not in this location where we spend so much time together, where we've become friends and in a context where I can't tell him why I need to avoid him now. In a context where he is one of the few on my side, capable to stand up for me in front of the rest.

It's very hard to move on when he keeps doing things to make me fall for him even harder.

He's kind to me, he opens a bit more every time. It's getting even easier to read him, to the point I think he's so expressive even if Cece can't see or understand what I'm talking about. He looks for me to spend time with by now, even asking me to read lines or requesting my opinion regarding certain parts in the script.

How do I move on when he keeps getting closer to me?

One time, when we've been shooting for almost ten weeks, I make an input to Jerry regarding a view on a scene. He insists Sasha should only show heartbreak in this particular scene where Lana decides to join the Earth Forces after all, leaving them all behind and without explaining her real reasons. Jerry insists Sasha is heartbroken because it means he'll miss the girl he's in love with and that's all what we should see in his expression, but I disagree.

In that situation it's not only that. Sasha at that point feels indeed heartbroken, but he also feels betrayed, concerned, scared and confused. They all have been for so long pleading they'll never join the Earth Forces, and now Lana comes and tells them she has decided to betray that, which means she'll get brainwashed and removed of any emotion, including that love that was blossoming between them. They don't know exactly what will happen to her once she joins them and that terrifies him. This scene is so much more complex than how Jerry wants to portray it, but he's focused more on the romantic aspect to make it more commercial between the female population.

And that's what I strongly disagree on. This story is so much more than that and I hate when people label things in small boxes.

"Once again, Miss Tachibana," Jerry says, venom dripping from his voice. "I'm the director and I know exactly what view I'm trying to portray. Your company has agreed to this, tho let me work and make what I consider best."

I take a deep breath, clenching my fists before I can continue my argument. I know Terry is on my side, she was nodding along my words.

"She's right," someone else says. I'm too surprised when I see it's Gareth the one that's raised his voice. "This scene is more complex and we're leaving too much behind by just focusing on the romantic feelings of Sasha. This will backfire on us by the second and third film. And even the author agrees Sasha feels more than just heartbreak for losing Lana. He is terrified and betrayed; we cannot lose that angle."

I'm not the only dumbfounded by this action. Gareth, who never says a thing unless he's acting and who would never get between an argument, is actually standing by my side, backing up my argument and surprising everyone on set.

Jerry is so taken aback he can't even respond to that, so Gareth adds, "At least, that's how I'm going to interpret this scene."

And it seems that he has more say on this matter than the director because there's no more argument, just a faint nod before a sign is given to get ready to shoot again. I can only stare at Gareth, my eyes wide and my heart racing. He must feel my gaze because he turns to look at me and gives me a small smile, a smile that screams, "I'm with you on this."

How am I supposed to move on if he does things like this? How?

~·~

I'm very sorry I didn't update last night, I was too sleepy. I don't know why I'm like that lately, falling asleep like at 9PM. Anyhow, I hope you forgive me and enjoyed this chapter.

Dedication to JustAMouse

Bel, xx

NU: Friday