***Manip Credit to owner***

After pouring the whiskey from my glass down the drain and tossing my cigarettes in the trash I head to the bed I shared with my wife for almost three years. I haven't slept in it since she's been gone. I've been scared to, I've been afraid her scent and her lingering presence will disappear if I disturb anything.

I'm not ready to let it go, but I think right now this is where I need to be. It's like being swaddled in a blanket of comfort. I can still close my eyes and imagine spooning her warm body, our legs intertwined, and her soft breathing as she gently fell asleep on her good nights. For now I don't even want to recall the bad ones, I'll save that for later.

Those peaceful nights I'd hold her in my arms and place tender kisses on the nape of her neck, before telling her how much I loved her. I hope that memory will always be easily retrieved from my mind, especially on those nights when I need to find a bit of peace, when I feel the most lonely and lost without her.

I sit up against the headboard, wrap a blanket around my body, and grasp the first journal, the one she used before we met. I hold it tight to my chest preparing for whatever darkness is held within its bounds. I take a moment to hover the book to my nose, inhaling her scent that she laced within its pages. The subtle smell of jasmine which always haloed her skin is now the only thing I have giving me the strength to begin.

I flip through the pages before I begin reading. The words fly by the same way the drawings do in an old flip book comic. Unfortunately, the ink which is bled into these pages isn't here to entertain. Instead, its purpose is to paint a terrifying picture into the troubled mind of my beautiful wife.

I have a gut wrenching feeling it's going to be a window looking into a dark place that I never wanted to travel. But there's a place in my heart that knows once I've made my way through the pages of each journal I'll be able to make some sense of it all. Maybe reading about her journey will help me recognize why she took so many left turns when she should have been taking rights.

***

I stayed awake the entire night, the sun came up and tried its best to brighten my day. In spite of mother nature's effort, she failed again. I read the entirety of the first journal and it was horrible. It described more frightening emotions and visions that would make Stephen King cry himself to sleep at night.

Every day she made a point to write in this book, no matter how awful her reality was within the confines of her mind. Without fail, day after day, things never changed for her. Each day seemed to grow darker than the last. Strangely, I think her compulsion to make each entry was what she needed to make an attempt to move onto the next. Many of the pages were tear stained, you could see each place a teardrop fell. The paper slightly wrinkled from the after effects of each salty tear. Somehow she kept moving forward, she was so incredibly brave to do this alone.

My body starts to tremble when every emotion she must have been feeling washed over me like a tidal wave. I sob into her pillow holding it to my body, then burying my face into it I let out muffled screams.

"Addy I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

I repeat it over and over again like a mantra, wishing it would settle my soul.

I start to regret even considering walking down this path. Then suddenly I feel like I'm smacked in the face. Some of the most poignant words she wrote in her letters swim around in the forefront of my mind.

You're always in my heart, and it's all about the 8's my love.

Forever and always,

Your loving wife, Addy

Something compels me to open the book again. I begin counting the blank pages.

One, two, three....I continue counting until I reach the final page...71.

7 + 1 = 8

Then I flip to the last entry and the date is March 4, 2016. The day before we met, this amazing quirky woman of mine, she wasn't lying when she said she stopped writing in this book after we met.

And this is yet another link in the chain of much too coincidental events in our lives that summed to the number 8. It brings tears to my eyes, all of the equations that she laid out before me. Each one strengthening the idea of how incredibly pure our bond is, the effort she put into illustrating it astounds me. I have a strange feeling this isn't the last time I'll stumble upon one of these commonalities, and the idea excites me.

This discovery brings a smile to my face for the first time since I lost her. Honest to goodness, it makes my heart smile. She continues to be truly remarkable, even now that she's gone. I fucking love this woman with every inch of my soul.

I grab the next book and open it with a shaky breath.

March 5, 2016

I started a new journal, I left the old one behind. I met someone today, his name is Harry. We met in a busy coffee shop with no empty tables, so he asked to sit with me. Never have I entertained a request like this before, but something told me that this time I had to. That somehow, he'll change my life forever.

He's quite possibly the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. Seafoam green eyes, a British accent with a lovely deep tenor, a smile with the most endearing dimple, and his beautiful chocolate curls.

He made my heart smile, no one has ever done that. I didn't know that could happen. When I rambled on about nonsense, he looked me in the eyes with genuine compassion. He didn't look through me, or past me the way the rest of the world does.

I can't put my finger on it yet, but I can guarantee you that I'll love him for the rest of my life. And he'll gift me with feelings I've never known; joy, happiness, wonder, and peace. In the short hour we spent talking, I walked away finding myself looking forward to the possibilities of what this world has to offer. The colors seem brighter, and I am actually feeling. Without a doubt, I've found my new home, I want to unpack here and enjoy this place forever.

In the last few days I've been searching for the will to continue. And with this brief encounter with this beautiful stranger, I can feel that he's the only one who will ever know how to save my life. I promise you one day I'll tell him, this is a promise that will never be broken.

Goodnight, A

***

I'm at a loss for words right now. In my mind these are the most beautiful words ever written. There's no tear stains on this page, she was at peace that day. We clicked like two puzzle pieces and I was able to give her joy that she'd never felt before.

I close my eyes, clutching this journal which is now as precious as a golden egg to me and for the first time I speak to her out loud.

"Addy, you may have never spoke those words to me. But you kept your promise my darling, your journal told me all that I needed to know for today. Thank you angel, now you're the one who saved me. You were right, I've been drowning in booze and self pity for days. I know I have a lot more work to do. There's more I need to understand, but after reading this entry I feel like you've lifted a veil of guilt that's been smothering me. In a roundabout way you told me I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't fail you. Knowing I could give you one blissful day when you'd never known one before, gives me a bit of my own peace. I miss you so much Addy, but I know you're here with me and you always will be. I promise you I'll take care of Bella the best way I know how. I'll make you proud my love."

I pull in a long cleansing breath, open my eyes and place a tender kiss on the first page of her journal.

"I'm bringing Bella home now my darling. Thank you for guiding me to the right path."

I climb from my marital bed, change out of my clothes that smell of whiskey and smoke, grab my keys and cell phone preparing to head out the door. I check the time, it's 12:59 pm.

1 + 2 + 5 + 9 = 17 || 1 + 7 = 8

A genuine smile creeps across my face when I make the connection.

It's all about the 8's my love...

Yeah, it's time to bring my baby home.

***Manip Credit to HazStylesTrash***

This is the end for now. Please feel free to vote, and comment on my story, it's always greatly appreciated.

Thanks babes, I hope you enjoyed the story and let me know if you would like to see this story continue.

All my love ~ Em