Roses.

These red flowers swaying and wilting beneath his feet were what keep Soobin company as he stumbled upon the building's garden. He stood there, grasses being stepped on while he stares at the bushes below; his eyes appear to be in a daze.

He crouches down, puts one knee on the ground and attempts to pick a single rose up, only to be stopped by the thorns almost pricking his finger. It was at that moment that his mind wanders off somewhere. He thought, is that how things should be? Should people always have to get fooled by something they mistook to be beautiful?

Because it was there, being all too enchanting and enticing that you somehow find yourself getting lured in. You'll be trapped under a spell, believing that everything is right and wonderful and euphoric that you failed to realize that all of it was a disguise. The beautiful image was presented for you to take in—it was created for the sole purpose of tricking you so that you'll be victimized.

However you'll remain to be a fool, still blinded by the fact that you're slowly welcoming all possible damage while trusting that nothing could go wrong. But that's exactly where you went wrong—the instant you cave in and succumb yourself in that mere illusion. You're breaking and it's tearing you apart in every possible way but you won't notice.

And when you finally did, it was too late. You're already destroyed. Left behind abandoned and helpless, you can't even get up. You'll feel all the pain wash over you like a waterfall of emotion until it drowns you and you can't do anything but let it happen.

Like these roses, they'll attract you and fascinate you until you get drawn and try to pluck them up but you were careless and blinded by its pleasing appearance that you didn't notice the thorns. You'll only realized it's there the moment you got yourself hurt and you're already bleeding.

Soobin then sighed, feeling a little dumb because he actually noticed the thorns at the start. He knew they were there.

But he's still willing to take the risk.

Someone called his name that caused Soobin to stand up and dust his pants. He turned around, looking for the owner of the voice.

"I've been calling you a couple times now," the one who called him said, taking strides to approach the raven haired male. "What made you busy?"

"Nothing," Soobin shakes his head. "Let's go back inside."

"Mhm, like I believe you."

"Then don't ask."

"You know—don't take it the wrong way, hmm? —but you seem to be really out of it lately, even worse this past few days." The male beside Soobin asked with a hint of worry laced in his tone. He nudged the taller male's arm.

Soobin remained silent for a moment. It's not the first time someone told him he doesn't look like himself, he receives that quite a lot now to be honest; saying that he wasn't paying attention and that he always drifts off somewhere.

He must agree. He's been really, really bothered lately. Starting from last month, when this certain someone not-so-subtly distanced himself away from him.

He isn't stupid. He's aware that Yeonjun's avoiding him and trying so hard to ignore his presence. He actually tried to make it up to the male, exerting effort to talk to him but Yeonjun keeps on pushing him away that he thought that maybe, if he'd just get the hint and give the other the space he was not verbally asking, they'll eventually be fine and go back to normal.

But Soobin was wrong. It only became worse day by day until this one particular night he went home and Yeonjun didn't.

He waited for the other male to come back. Yeonjun was still not home and he was worrying and panicking already since Yeonjun never stayed out so late. He was about to lose his damn mind that night, calling and calling but the other wasn't answering his calls. He then called over the company to ask where he was but they said that Yeonjun didn't come which caused him to be anxious even more.

He waited and waited and waited until he got sick of it and got his carkeys to search for Yeonjun himself.

But you can't find someone who doesn't want to be found.

"Jeno," Soobin called out, stopping on his tracks. "Have you talked to Jaemin yet? Is there any news about Yeonjun? I'm really wor—"

"Oh, so that's what's keeping you occupied," Jeno sighed, sending Soobin a look of sympathy. "But yeah, I did. He doesn't know where Yeonjun is though, but he told me to tell you not to worry. Yeonjun's fine."

"So they're talking? If he knows that Yeonjun's fine then he knows where he is. He's just saying he doesn't kn—"

"Soobin, he doesn't. Yeonjun refused to tell him where he is, we're just as clueless as you are." Jeno cuts Soobin off as he pats the taller's back as a sign of understanding.

"I just want to know if he's alright and see him again." Soobin glanced down. He feels his chest getting heavy for realizing that Yeonjun doesn't want him to know his whereabouts.

Yeonjun's still avoiding him.

"I know. But for now, we'll have to take Jaemin's words and trust that Yeonjun can handle himself and he's fine, okay?"

"I fucked up real bad, didn't I?" The taller male scoffed, mocking himself and pushing the unsettling feeling aside.

Jeno pursed his lips together, "What did you even do?"

"I didn't do anything and that's the problem." Soobin replied, shaking his head. He then walked away, each step he took heavier than the previous one.

___

"Soobin."

"Soobin."

"Hey, Soobin. Are you alright?"

He didn't realize everyone in the room was already staring at him in concern when Soobin snaps out of his daze. The male blinks hurriedly, baffled and a little embarrassed that he was caught spacing out. "Sorry, what was that?"

The man in the center of the meeting table furrowed his brows for a moment before a decision was formed in his mind. "This discussion is dismissed for now. Everyone, you may leave. Thank you."

The few people in the room shared a look of hesitance, their minds wondering the same thing as to why Vice CEO. Choi's acting strange, but chose not to question it and obeyed what they were told.

Once sure that no one else in the room were present aside from them two, the upper man who dismissed the meeting stood up from his seat and made his way towards Soobin.

"You shouldn't have ended the meeting like that, Jin hyung. We're still not don—"

"And how do you know we're not? You were spacing out the whole time."

"I—" Soobin tried to think of words to defend himself but found none to be useful. He pursed his lips, right hand finding its way running through his hair.

Seokjin examined the younger male's behavior and keep quiet to himself. Soobin wasn't usually like this—heck, he was never like this but lately, everyone could notice how he was not like himself. He was always staring into thin air, as if he was in a really deep thought, being silent in conferences, cancelling appointments, running out of ideas and not focusing on his work.

It was not like Soobin at all. The only thing that could be claimed to be like him was that he was back into snarling at anyone and anything, not greeting employees, locking himself in his office and having his infamous poker face on everyone thought he got rid of.

And his spacing out is becoming too frequent that it wasn't only Seokjin who noticed.

"Hey—Soobin, listen." Jin sat down beside Soobin's chair while also trying to get the male's attention. "If you're not feeling well, you can always take a break, hmm? Don't push yourself too much."

"Just say I'm not being competent and suspend me already." Soobin spitefully retorted, making Jin's frown deepen.

"Soobin—"

"I'm not focusing, not doing my job properly, not able to handle a simple task, I'm being a total disappointment right now. Come on, tell me—"

"Enough!" Jin realized he must have raised his voice a little more than intended when he saw Soobin gave him a surprised look which quickly disappears. He sighed, "I'm sorry, just—you know I don't mean it like that, Binnie. Where are all these thoughts coming from?"

Binnie.

Yeonjun calls him like that.

Yeonjun. Yeonjun. Yeonjun.

Yeonjun and his brown hair, mesmerizing dark brown eyes, his soft features and his cute little button nose. His rosy cheeks that are puffier when he's pretending to be sulky, his breathtaking smile that reaches up to his eyes and forming the most beautiful crescents Soobin has ever seen. His pink pouty lips that feel so soft against his and his melodic laughter Soobin craves so much to hear once again.

Fuck this, he can't think of anything aside from Choi fucking Yeonjun.

"Soobin, hey. What's wrong?" he was taken back into reality when Jin snapped his finger in front of his face, his expression in deep worry.

"I'm sorry hyung— there's just so much in my mind right now. I didn't mean to snap at you, I apologize."

"Shall we go to the clinic downstairs and get you checked up? You seem paler than normal, I'm worried. Have you been skipping meals? Soobin you know you shouldn't. Take a brea—"

"Hyung, I'm fine. Just a little dizzy is all—" Soobin was then cut off when Jin without any warning, put his palm against his forehead.

"Jesus—Soobin you're burning! I'm taking you to the clinic, no buts. Let's go." The older male stood up, tugging Soobin for him to do the same. The taller but younger of the two complied, but still insisted that he's fine and that he could manage but Jin's not having any of it.

"I swear I'm okay, Jin hyung. You're making it a big deal— which it isn't." Soobin argued as he was being pulled by the arm. He, however, was feeling even more light-headed and his vision was starting to get blurry.

Jin looked back at him with a sharp glare, "Stop being stubborn and just do as I sa—" the daggers he was sending Soobin quickly turned into an alarmed gaze when the male suddenly blacked out and fell down to the ground. "Oh my god! Soobin! Oh shit, emergency! Fucking get in here and help me or I'm firing all of you, you hear me!? Hurry!"

___

He's conscious again, he knows it, as he could hear murmurs from he guessed a few feet away from where he is. His closed eyes twitched because of him trying to open them but his head which feels like it's being drilled prevented him from doing so.

Soobin still tried his best; forcing himself to get up and be awake so that he'll be ready if ever Yeonjun changes his mind and come home.

Right, Yeonjun.

"—yes, I'm here... uh-huh... no worries... I don't think he'll wake up soon but—oh wait, I saw him moved, he's probably conscious now... yeah Jin hyung, I'll update you... mhm, bye bye."

As the voice speaks each phrase, it gets louder for Soobin so he assumed the owner was walking towards him as he did so. He's still curious as to what happened and where the fuck he is, but he's sure they were talking about him. Therefore, to satisfy his curiosity, he has to open his damn eyes.

And finally, he did.

"Y-yeonjun?" Soobin lowly croaked out. He blinks up hurriedly, wanting to know who that figure he could barely make up from his still cloudy eyesight is.

"Well, no." The figure calmly spoke. "but it's me, your cutest friend, Kai! You can remember me, right? Silly me, of course you do. It's not like you have amnesia or something and who would forget about this amazing face? No one. Anyway, how are you feeling hyung? Are you alright now? Do you need something? Water? Food, maybe? You should eat and I—" Kai glanced at his older friend who's holding his head in pain while sitting up, "—should stop rambling, sorry." He sheepishly smiled.

"What happened?" Soobin asked and then looked around the room once his vision had adjusted and realized they're currently at the company's clinic. "Why are you here? Where's Jin hyung?"

"Hyungie told me to come here immediately to look after you. He wanted to stay with you himself but he couldn't because he has urgent matters." Kai explained as he took a seat beside the bed. "And they brought you here because you passed out." He added, concern could easily be found in his eyes and tone.

"The doctor said you weren't eating properly and you lack of sleep too. I've also heard a lot of other things about the change in your behavior but we can talk about that later. For now, how are you feeling?"

"Like shit." Soobin nonchalantly responded. He moved about on the bed, removing the covers away from him and attempting to get up but Kai stopped him before he could even try.

"You still need to rest, at least until the doctor returns."

"I don't need rest, I need—" a sudden realization then hit Soobin like a truck and hope find its way lightening up his eyes. "wait, you hang around often with the other two right? They probably know where Yeonjun is so you probably do too. Kai, please, can you te—"

"Woah, woah, woah." The younger male raised his hands in front of his chest to cut Soobin off, his brows creasing even more in confusion. "You mean to say, Yeonjun hyung is missing?"

"No—I mean yes—but not really... it's complicated." This answer made his head hurt even more but oh well.

Kai has his mouth a little agape, indicating his deep puzzlement as he tried to decipher what the other was trying to say. "Hold on—so, it's like he... run... off?"

"Do you really have to word it like that?" Soobin winced.

"Sorry," the other bashfully smiled before confusion took over his features once again, "but why? And for how long?"

"Since last week," the older male said, ignoring the first question asked. He shifted again, wanting to get up but Kai stopped him for the second time.

"You didn't mention anything about Yeonjun hyung leaving last week though. Didn't I drop in to say hello? I even almost slipped because of the cupcakes lying messily on your office door—yeah, you should thank me about that, by the way. I called the janitor for you—"

"It's because I didn't know then, but wait—you said there were cupcakes?" Soobin curiously asked as if he was trying to connect invisible dots.

Kai innocently nodded, not paying it that much thought. "Yes, I thought you threw the—"

"Yeonjun."

"What?"

"Yeonjun," Soobin repeated, louder this time. "I'm sure it was him. He was there—he came to see me but why did I not see him? He brought the cupcakes, I know it." His eyes don't know where to focus, his mind in shambles. It was like, he finally put two in two together but there were still parts missing and he has to find them as soon as possible.

There was a moment of silence. Soobin was thinking about all the questions that popped into his brain after hearing that while Kai also sat in silence. His mind occupied with his own thoughts until his eyes widened in realization as he abruptly raised his hand to his mouth, earning Soobin's attention.

"Oh no!" Kai blurted out, expression alarmed and worried. "Hyung, I think I know why!"

"What do you mean?"

"Listen—when I went to your office, the cupcakes were there outside, right? But Jaerim Noona was also there!"

Soobin felt his mouth running dry as he caught-on on what Kai was trying to explain but he let the other continue. It's not like he could speak, he was feeling too stupid and ignorant to even mutter a single syllable.

"Yeonjun hyung might had seen you with her and got the wrong idea... and you know how rumors fly... he probably heard that too and left—OH MY GOD HYUNG YOU ARE SO DUMB AHH!" the younger yelled, standing up from his seat and attacking Soobin with the throw pillow he got on the chair.

He kept on smacking Soobin with it on his arms and back, ignoring the fact that his friend might still not be feeling well. On the other hand, Soobin was just taking all the hit; knowing that he deserves that and he may even deserve worse so he did not dare fight back.

"Stop that! I have to find Yeonjun and explain to him. He must still be thinking the wrong thing, I—" he reasoned out while attempting to get out of bed, hoping that he'll escape Kai this time but it was his head which prevented him from doing so. He winced in pain, raising his hand up to hold his throbbing temple.

"Oh shit—" the younger male clicked his tongue. "I told you to rest for more! Just stay here until the doctor comes back and then you can leave. I swear I'll help you with Yeonjun hyung, but you have to rest."

And with that, Soobin was left with no choice but to follow the other's words, although his mind (and perhaps heart too) screams for him to look for Yeonjun already.

___

"Are you not eating dinner too?"

"I'm not! Just go! I want to be alone!"

Yeonjun went back into hiding under his covers after yelling for Taehyung, who was outside his door, to leave. He knows his cousin is just concerned about him but he can't help wallowing in self-pity and unwanted heartbreak. Fortunately, Taehyung understands his situation so he doesn't blame him. In fact, after knowing what happened, Taehyung did everything in his power to cheer Yeonjun up, which the latter appreciates, but he still needs time.

He can't be happy for now. And maybe for tomorrow too, and the day after that, and then after that, and the next. Maybe he can't be happy and won't be happy; not until Soo—

Don't think about him, Yeonjun. Don't. He thought to himself.

The room was dark, obviously because Yeonjun did not switch the light on because he according to him, "it visualize how he feels", and he feels like he can't see anything. It's all dark and the light is gone and it's not coming back because some bitch stole i—

Okay, stop. Don't think about them. Do. No. Think. About. Them.

He then decided to entertain himself, find alternatives to get rid of that disgusting image in his head so he mindlessly fumbles his hands about on the bed, hoping to get ahold of his phone.

However, when he finally does so, his plan of watching kitten videos to make himself feel better all swam away the moment he turned his cellphone on.

Just why the fuck did he set their picture as his lockscreen and wallpaper? This is so fucking annoying and so fucking sad and he's going to fucking cry don't test him.

Feeling the irritation flooding his veins, Yeonjun tossed his phone away which thankfully landed on one of the pillows on the ground.

Why is the world not letting him forget about Soobin for a single second? Isn't it enough that he's suffering a one-sided love affair? Does the world enjoy torturing him in ways that left him gasping for air because of how tight his chest feels? Is that it?

But as much as he fucking hates it and as foolish as it sounds, he's willing to endure it—willing to endure the tormenting pain.

All for him.

See? He's so fucking dumb. Yeonjun can't believe himself.

Giving up from resisting to think about that certain guy, Yeonjun found himself sighing and sitting up on the bed. He pressed his back against the headboard, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrap around them as he rests his chin on top.

Yeonjun sat there quietly but his thoughts are loud. They scream memories, they scream images, they scream questions and doubts and most of all, they scream for Soobin. His thoughts yell at him so loud, his heart hears everything and again it twinges. It stings and it aches and it craves for that someone's touch and that someone's warmth because it's so sick of the cold and it needs that certain warmth back.

Yeonjun needs that warmth back.

But will it ever return?

He then scolds himself when he feels like tearing up again, saying that he had cried enough already so he should stop. He blinks them away, forcing himself to focus on something else but he just couldn't. Not when his mind's still not in its right headspace.

Then suddenly, when Yeonjun's about to lie down again, the door bursts open revealing a distressful-faced Taehyung with his phone in hand. He made his way towards the bed, approaching Yeonjun who just stared at him without uttering a single word.

"I-I think... y-you have to—have to hear this." The gray-haired male stammered as he hands his phone to Yeonjun.

The younger male glanced at him in skepticism, unsure as to what Taehyung's trying to do. "What's that?"

"Just liste—"

"Baby?"

The voice coming from the phone interrupted Taehyung, all the while managing to stop Yeonjun from breathing and his heart to skip a beat and answer his question. He recognized that voice, recognized the way it sent the hair on his skin to stand up. Recognized the feeling of rush he felt in his very veins every damned time that same voice says that word.

Yeonjun bit his tongue, preventing himself from letting out any sound. He looks up at Taehyung with alarm and panic in his eyes as well as a hint of betrayal that the older male chose to disregard.

"I'm gonna... leave this... this here." Taehyung put the phone on the nightstand just beside the frozen male.

'I'm sorry.' He mouthed with an apologetic look at Yeonjun who's still in the state of disbelief before he completely walked away and closed the door.

"Baby?" repeated the person on the other end of the line. "Are you there?"

His breath hitched and he bit his lower lip so hard, Yeonjun was sure he tasted blood. He can't answer. He shouldn't. But damn it, Soobin's making it so hard.

"I'm just—just gonna assume and hope that you're there... listening." There was a pause. An agonizing pause that set Yeonjun on fire. "Yeonjun, baby, I'm so sorry."

The brown haired male let out a shaky sigh, hating the effect Soobin got on him as he still resisted the urge to speak.

"I know what I did was insensitive and harsh. I shouldn't have answered you like that a-and I—I shouldn't have stopped trying to reach out when you distanced yourself from me. I should have been more patient and persistent. Should have been more aware of what you felt.

And— and I also want to explain something to you—I don't know if it did happen, but, Kai made it sound possible and I just can't bear the thought of you thinking that way."

Yeonjun furrowed his brows in confusion, each passing second a nerve-racking experience. He wanted to ask what the other was talking about but didn't find the courage to do so.

"Kai mentioned something about cupcakes lying outside my office and I know they were from you. They had to be. You came to see me, is that right? You actually wanted to made up but I was an idiot and clueless and I am so sorry, baby.

And about what you saw, if you did see, there was someone in my office with me. I'm—I'm telling you this because I don't want you thinking the wrong thing. Yeonjun, her name's Jaerim."

He almost scoffed. Not understanding why Soobin thinks he has to know her name but he waits for him to continue.

"Y-you might have also heard things about... her and I that— that we were something that I promise you, we were not. Yeonjun we were, and we are not anything close to having that kind of relationship. It was—it was Jin hyung who was once arranged with her sister but it was thankfully cancelled because they found out we're actually related and then we all started to get along afterwards.

And I guess the words got twisted as it spread, but no. Baby, Jaerim and I are cousins and haven't seen each other for a long time because she studies in states. She—she a-actually knows a lot about you. She's a sweet girl, I think you'll like her."

If you want to know about how Yeonjun felt after learning that, it could be described as a splinter being removed from his thumb. He felt so relieved, like a huge wave of solace just washed over him but he also felt like slapping himself because he immediately believed the words of other people.

"I-is that t-true?" he spoke for the first time, sitting up properly and picking the phone up from the table.

"Oh god, baby, you're actually there. I-I'm so sorry, I—fuck, I just, I am really sorry—"

"I know, I—I heard e-everything."

"And everything I said is true, and I know I'm stupid, you can tell me that. But please... please give me a chance to fix this thing between us.

Baby, I-I miss you so fucking bad."

Yeonjun hasn't noticed this but tears are already streaming down his cheeks. He only realized he's crying when a sob left his mouth that Soobin did not miss to catch.

"Are you crying?"

"What? No—"

"You are." The brown haired male didn't make any attempt to deny anymore. He heard a sigh, "Don't cry please, I hate it when you do."

"It's your fault."

"I know and I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that," Yeonjun sniffled.

Silence then fell again over the two but neither wants to end the call. Yeonjun, though still in denial, actually felt thankful that Taehyung answered Soobin's call without his consent and made them talk.

"Can I ask you something?"

Yeonjun hummed in response.

"Can you—can you please come back home to me?" Soobin's voice cracked at the end, a sign that he's close to crying himself. "Please? This place feels so empty without you. It doesn't feel like home at all. Can you come back, please?"

God, Soobin never thought he'll ever beg someone like that but it's Yeonjun. He'll do anything for that guy.

No, Soobin will do everything for him.

And speaking of Yeonjun, here he is, crying even louder, Soobin heard each sobs and whimpers.

"H-how could you a-ask me t-that? I hate you!" Yeonjun said, but trust me, he means the complete opposite.

"You have every right to." Soobin responded, a small smile ghosting over his lips as a stray tear rolled down his face.

"But, of course." The brunette replied as he sniffed.

"Of course what?"

"I'll come back home," Yeonjun smiled though Soobin couldn't see, "—home to you."

~

am i forgiven?