"A montage is like a dream that leaves out all the boring parts."

"But what if the part you cut is the important bit?"

 "It's only a dream, who cares?"

"But what if it's more than a dream? What if it's your life?"

"Even better! Imagine a life free from boredom!"

"Sounds exhausting."

Day 1 of the 'Rowen Trying to Learn How to be an Evil Queen' Montage:

"Evil Queen Etiquette, Spoons, Dressing for a Coronation, Ballroom Dance"

Tyra swept past me in her sherbet-pink sparkly gown the size of a circus tent, gossamer wings flapping and fully extended. If you've ever seen Glinda's dress in The Wizard of Oz, Tyra's made that look like office attire. She'd piled her golden hair high atop her head like a wedding cake, the curls studded with opalescent gems that twinkled in the firelight. Around her neck was a tight choker of blood-red rubies that lifted my spirits, as it gave the impression that someone had slit her throat. A girl can dream! She occupied half the room, but if she thought this would intimidate me, Miss Evil Fairy was about to be very disappointed. I was a monster made from a bunch of evil beings, including an Unseelie Fairy, so she was really going to have to up her game.

Mwahaha.

A zap of lightning flashed across my room, giving it an eerie gothic feeling. Then a crack of thunder shook the window. The sky opened, and a deluge of rain slapped against the glass. Out in the garden, apple trees bent over halfway down their trunks, like supplicants.

I smiled.

Don't you love it when the weather matches your mood, like in the movies?

Tyra scowled at the window. "I despise lightning storms! All that electrical magic run amok!" She waved her hand, and the heavy velvet curtains snapped shut.

"The lightning here is made of magic?" I said.

Tyra rolled her eyes. "What else would it be made of?"

"Plasma?"

"You are so uninformed!" Tyra said with a frown. She still looked gorgeous, but let's not tell her. "Preparing you in three weeks is an impossible task, even if you had a familiar."

Before I do anything eviler than accusing Tyra of killing puppies, Vermeil sent a blast of calming magic my way. It enveloped me like a soft blanket, and I silently thanked him.

Still, Tyra was annoying me. So, I soaked in Vermeil's magic from where it clung to my skin, folded it into my own, and behind my back, aimed my zappy magic toward the windows. They flew open, letting in a blast of cold air and rain. Tyra's dress blew out like a parachute, and she had to hold on to the mantel to keep from falling. Served her right for wearing such a dumb dress.

Tyra glared at me, closing the window with a wave of her hand. "Your magic is a disaster!"

"Then leave," I said.

"As much as I'd love to, I cannot."

"What can Petronella do to a fairy?" I wasn't saying this to egg Tyra on. I really wanted to know in case it was info I could use on her later.

"That's not the point."

"Wait, does she have something embarrassing on you? Like a video of you petting adorable forest animals with a rainbow floating over your head?"

She gave me a hard stare. Paused. And sighed. "The point is, what will happen to you if you fail at your lessons? I mean, beyond your fathers spending the rest of their lives as toads."

"As if you care about me or my parents."

"But there's where you're wrong. I want you to succeed. That is why I am still here, even though I'd rather do ANYTHING else."

I narrowed my eyes at the man-stealing, ruthless, infuriating, yoga-loving Tyra. Since when did she want me to succeed? "Explain," I demanded.

"All I can say right now is that it's in your best interest to get yourself together and conquer your magic."

"No cryptic answers. What are you not telling me?"

"If you value your life, I suggest you take your lessons seriously."

"Then what you're saying is if I fail, I die?"

"You're not as stupid as I thought. Shall we?"

I didn't one hundred percent believe Tyra, but just in case she was right, I decided that since I valued my life very much; I needed a new tactic—be a good little evil student and ace my lessons. Then use my unimaginable power to take vengeance on my enemies and go back to Coffin Ridge with human-shaped parents. "Shall we dance?" I said.

Tyra took a step back. "I just got new golden slippers," she said, holding out a delicate foot to show off her shiny metallic size-six shoe.

"So?"

"You'll probably step on them during dance lessons and ruin them. Let's start with something safer."

"Like what?"

"Spoons."

"Excuse me?"

"You'll need to know the correct spoons to use for dinner, soup, dessert, coffee, caviar, and the curling of eyelashes."

"I'd done it! I'd broken Tyra's brain."

***

Three hours later ...

I could:

Select the right spoon for each course at a coronation banquet.

Play Metallica's greatest hits with dessert spoons.

Poke my eyes repeatedly in an attempt to curl my eyelashes with a spoon, which was totally stupid, and I'm pretty sure just an excuse for Tyra to laugh at me.

Wield a serving spoon as a weapon (which I enjoyed more than Tyra).

Too bad about her hair, which now looked like a fallen souffle. Don't tell her!

Once I'd mastered spoons, Tyra decided we could move on to other utensils (the pointy ones), fashion dos and don'ts, and at last, ballroom dancing.

Four hours later ...

"You're actually an excellent dancer," she said as we waltzed in front of the fire.

"Thanks," I said.

What I didn't tell her was that I'd taken ballroom dance lessons in fifth grade, and the reason I didn't like dancing was because I was so good, the teacher wanted me to take more advanced lessons, and I wanted my weekends free for hacking.

Also, every minute I spent twirling and stepping and sliding with her, I was thinking about Blade and imagining what it would be like to dance with him.

By now I was exhausted. Would all my lessons be this hard?

Answer: Yes.

Why couldn't I have a fun lesson like flying. "When do I learn to fly?" I asked.

"Later," Tyra said. "Maybe never."

Ugh!

After that first day, the lessons flew by like a montage from a horror movie. And just like in a horror movie, they were filled with blood, jump scares, sentient shadows with evil intent, overly attractive monsters, and worst of all, more dancing.

I won't bore you with every detail, because we really need to move ahead and get to the end of my story, which will hopefully involve only a tiny amount of death and destruction and an enormous quantity of epic kissing.

So, without further ado, here is A MONTAGE OF EVIL QUEEN LESSONS.

Day 2 of Rowen Trying to Learn How to Evil Queen:

Basic Guide to Curses, Spells, and Elemental Magic

Zara, the silver-haired witch from the banquet, arrived in my room before the bed had even tossed me out. Is there anything worse than an early bird?

Answer – no!

"I'm here to teach you curses, general spellwork, and elemental magic."

"Curses! Yay, I love curses. Can I learn to curse a broomstick?"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "We'll start with the spell for tying shoelaces."

FML!

***

Five hours later:

I could tie shoelaces by repeating the words "Calceus Ligare" three times while doing a handstand. Was I wrong to think Zara made me do the handstand for her own amusement? It was way too yoga-like for my tastes. Also, it's way easier just to tie your shoelaces the old-fashioned Muggle way—with your hands. Or better yet, wear slip-ons.

Four hours later:

"Why, Rowen, I did not know you'd be so good at curses!" Zara said. Hiccup. A bright orange newt flew out of her mouth and landed on the floor ... with all the other newts. A veritable newt mountain.

"Do we have like a maintenance department that can relocate the newts?" I said.

Hiccup. "I'll send someone up," she said, running out of the room, leaving a trail of newts in her wake.

"Thanks, Vermeil," I said once we were alone.

"My pleasure," he replied.

***

Day 3 of Rowen Trying to Learn How to Evil Queen:

Luring Prey for Fun and Food

I opened the door to King Triton, the hot green-haired muscular merman from the banquet (he was rocking a swimsuit with a nice pair of legs).

Hawt!

This was going to be a good day!

"Hello, Rowen," he said, turquoise eyes sparkling like ... well ... the ocean. "Ready to learn how to lure men to their deaths with song?"

***

Five hours later:

The only thing I was able to summon was Cal, who launched himself through the window in a blur and slipped under a crack in the wall. "What was that," he said.

"Not a man," I said.

"Unless it was a very tiny man."

"I supposed. But I'm kind of disappointed I didn't summon a full-sized man. What do you think is the problem?"

"Slow day?" he replied.

***

"Vermeil, you can come out now," I said, once the mer king had departed.

"That wasn't our biggest success," he replied. "And even worse, that monster is back."

"Hisssss."

"Cal, behave," I warned. "And Vermeil, don't call Cal a monster."

The Brittlebane Wars continued.

Day 4 of Rowen Trying to Learn How to Evil Queen:

Finding Your Inner Shadow and Using it To Petrify Your Enemies

I opened the door to the Shadowling, a cold shadow like figure with raggedy edges who looked like a Victorian widow beneath a heavy veil. Still, I was kind of excited about how to use my shadow to petrify my enemies. Sadly, the Shadowling quickly disappeared when I asked how shadows existed in a lunar landscape. I guess once he knew he shouldn't exist; he didn't?

Weird and disappointing.

So much for that lesson!

"Sorry, Vermeil, I ruined that one," I said.

"That's okay. He really gave me the creeps."

"Me too. Like I forgot that there was any joy in life when he was here. And I was worried he was going to suck out my soul."

"I think you read Harry Potter too many times," Vermeil said.

"Yeah, I probably did. Wait, you know about Harry Potter?"

"Sure! A lot of the series is based on life at Brittlebane."

I wrinkled my brow. "But how?"

"Under certain circumstances, human authors can locate the portals between realms using the Fairy Tale Exchange of Information Act. Lots of authors have done it. The Grimms. JK Rowling. And this new author Brittanie something or other who no one has heard of!

"Weird." 

"Yes, she is!"

Day 5 -20 of Rowen Trying to Learn How to Evil Queen:

The next two weeks went by in a blur. Instructors, dressers, meals, cats, rats, a mosquito (may he rest in peace), and maids came and went. I was still a prisoner, but I was so busy each day and so exhausted each night, that I fell asleep immediately despite the books chattering away, many of them in foreign and ancient tongues. Evil Queening for Dummies had escaped, but it was an unfriendly volume, so I was okay with it. I worked hard on my lessons because of the whole "learn or die" scenario. For the first time in my life, I didn't scheme.

I missed it!

Here are a few highlights:

- Tyra was in charge of dressing me for the coronation. Tyra! Lover of pink, a fairy that never met a sequin she didn't love. This was my fashion consultant? The dress was so large, Brittlebane had to enlarge my room by several feet to allow for the dress and Tyra's crew of opinionated Brownies who were in charge of tailoring the ghastly pink (straight jacket) gown to perfection. They were especially accomplished at poking me with pins. With each fitting, I grew to despise the dress even more.

- Zara eventually recovered from the newt incident and ended up teaching me so many useful curses, I was able to stop the Brownies from poking me with pins! (Every time they poked me, they felt it twice as hard!) Magic can be so useful! Zara also taught me some super helpful elemental magic, although she made a significant error teaching me to summon fire before we got to the water lesson. There were still scorches on the ceiling! Zara was so impressed with my general improvement that she nearly gave me a compliment one day!

-King Triton and I eventually gave up on the "luring a man to his death" lesson, where I repeatedly summoned Cal instead of an actual man. We ended up spending most of our time with me giving him advice on how to handle his headstrong daughter who wanted to marry a human male instead of luring him to his death with song. Poor King Triton. Being a parent was way harder than you'd think.

- The Shadowling and I had limited success once I got used to the creepy shivers he gave me whenever I was in his presence. Still, he kept disappearing into the ... well ... shadows at least once every lesson. And there was his incredible shyness. Shadows aren't used to standing out. I coaxed him along and eventually learned how to lose myself in shadow. However, I never fully petrified anyone, but not for lack of trying. Sorry about all the times I practiced on you, Vermeil!

Finally, finally, finally came the lesson I was most excited about!

Day 21 of Rowen Trying to Learn How to Evil Queen:

The Broomstick and Beyond: Flight for the Modern Witch

I could barely contain my excitement.

Flight!

If I learned how to fly, I had a method of escape. Doryu the weredragon didn't come through the door like the other teachers. He flew up to my window.

"You're not going to fit!" I warned.

Doryu let out a blast of fire. I leaped back, barely avoiding becoming a barbecued witch. My walls singed away, leaving a wide opening for my teacher, who flew in and morphed into a human holding a boring old broom. Nothing cool and aerodynamic like something you'd see on a quidditch pitch.

"Nice entrance," I said.

"It's all about the optics," Doryu said. The wall repaired itself.

"I am, but there's not much room in here."

"The sky's the limit," Doryu said.

Were we really going to leave this room? I could be free! "I'm ready," I said, flinging a leg over the broom and standing astride it. The broom bolted out from beneath me, sending me flying up, then straight to the ground! While I lay there, my face heated, it spanked me with its bristles. "Hey, broom, cut that out!" I said, grabbing the handle as the thing pulled me from one end of the room to the other.

Doryu laughed. "First, it might be wise to cover the basics for mounting, takeoff, and landing," he said.

"It's not funny," I replied as the broom rode up toward the ceiling with me dangling from the bristle end.

"I disagree," Doryu said. "I don't think I've seen anything this amusing since the Leprechaun Rainbow Slide Competition of 1476."

I glared at him.

"Sorry, sorry," Doryu said through his laughter. "My side is killing me! Sorry. We may not get to actual flight today. That is very advanced."

I ground my teeth together. Not fly today? I was going to fly. Period!

Three hours later:

I zipped over Doryu's head, did a midair somersault, and landed smoothly on the bed.

"You're a fast learner," Doryu said.

"Thanks!" I replied. Thanks! I said to my familiar in my mind. I think we could just about communicate psychically by now.

"You're welcome," Vermeil replied in my brain. Cool!

"Well, I will be back tomorrow," Doryu said.

"We're not going to fly outside?" I whined.

"Not today."

"But you said I was a fast learner!"

"I must go judge this year's Leprechaun Rainbow Slide Competition. So much gold! You know dragons can't resist adding to their hoards! I'll leave the broom so you can practice, and I promise next time we'll fly outside."

He. Was. Leaving. The. Broom!

Mwahaha!

The minute the door closed behind Doryu, I mounted the broom.

Vermeil raced out of the hole. "Rowen, no! You're not ready," my worrywart familiar yelled.

"I'm a natural!" I said. "Trust me!"

"But ..."

I opened the window, and, heart beating wildly, I flew outside.

I wanted to whoop with joy at my newfound freedom, but before I could do so, a fork of lightning zoomed straight at me, hit the broom, and set the bristles aflame. I screamed, tightening my legs around the handle, trying to keep from falling off, but the broom plunged, whirling and twirling toward the ground. My heart went on a rampage, I think trying to escape my body entirely.

The ground came closer and closer.

I squeezed my eyes closed.

There was going to be a lot of blood.

And not the blood of my enemies, which I would've enjoyed.

My blood!

There ya go! You've spent another twenty minutes inside my head! I have to be here all the time, so thank your lucky stars!

Will Rowen survive her fall or will this be the end of her story?

I enjoyed writing this chapter because it was fun having Rowen succeed at stuff! Finally!

Stay tuned for more fun next week.

Thanks again for the comments, votes, and being awesome!

Hugs!

Britt/Deb