Chapter 2:

I woke up in my bed, as I immediately fell asleep after my sobbing had quieted down. I was so exhausted once my sobbing had quieted down, Luke just stayed in my room until slumber took me. I did not know how long I slept, but I still felt sore and my heart still hurt. All this crying made my energy disappear and I immediately felt as if I was 18 years again, realizing that Jess had indeed left Stars Hollow. When he had called me on my graduation day, I told him I would not pine for him. I never allowed anyone to see me mourn the loss of my first intense love as I knew everyone would tell me that they knew it all along that he was not the right one for me. Nobody liked him except Luke, they only viewed him as the troublemaker and the one who broke the heart of Stars Hollow's prodigal daughter.

I had cried at night, silently sobbing, and letting go of the fantasy that our destiny was intertwined. I let go of the belief that he had truly loved me. A year passed and I was finally accepting that I had been wrong all along for believing him. When I said the following words on my graduation day, I never realized the depth of my feelings for this young man: I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go. So, that's it, I guess. Um, I hope you're good. I want you to be good, and, um, okay, so, goodbye. That word sounds really lame and stupid right now, but there it is. Goodbye.

I slowly sat up in her bed and scrutinized my tiny room in my mother's house. I took in all the books scattered around the room, the closet and her clothes laying on the armchair I used to work on, located in front of her table. Taking my jacket, throwing it on my still slim figure, I sat down on her chair and opened my laptop, with the sole goal of reading the story I had written the day before. It was clear to me why I was still hesitating to open the document as so many emotions were woven into the lines and sentences, displaying the depth and profundity of my emotions. I cried so much, I could not fathom that I was capable of releasing so much water. Luke, the way he held me without uttering a way was something so uncharacteristic for him, but I had appreciated his sweet gesture so much as he appreciated Jess Mariano just as much I did.

I groaned loudly and did not like at all that I had let Luke see myself in such emotional and vulnerable state. I always wanted to be the person who was able to be strong and stand on his or her own feet. Withdrawing and lowering my defenses was something I rarely did, however, it also felt good, empowering and refreshing as I was able to let go of all the pain I had hidden and banished into the darkest corner of my heart, with the sole goal of never letting them resurface.

Somehow, I felt at peace, almost content and looking forward to all the things which were about to come. I could breathe again, in a way, I felt suffocated and not right for the world Logan truly fitted so effortlessly into. Galas and parties; this was not the life I wanted to partake and participate in. I wanted to curl up in my bed, reading my favorite book or watch my most beloved TV shows. Alternatively, eat at Luke's diner my favorite burger and his famous coffee. One glance at the time told me that my mother would not come down the stairs for a few hours. Exhaling and inhaling, I opened the document and skimmed over the chapters. Everything started when he had come to Stars Hollow and then fast-forwarded to their first kiss, a kiss that was electrifying and caused my heart to accelerate. I could barely catch my breath, suddenly I realized I was still with Dean, so I just bolted as I often did, ignoring his call, over my shoulders I just shouted a soft "welcome home" and then attended Sookie's Wedding.

A certain line caught my immediate attention:
Once a certain brown haired young man left the town, she knew that she would never be the same. It was as if he took her heart with him, on this fateful day on the bus. They only engaged in small talk as if a dark frightening cloud hung above them, caused by the fight at Lane's party. When they had reached her stop, she just waved at him with her hand and went to her class, with a terrible feeling in her stomach, which was confirmed once my mom told he had indeed skipped town again without telling me.

I continued reading and it was; as if I relived each moment we shared together, the good and the bad ones. I had to stop reading when I recalled the moment he declared his love for me and he just drove away without waiting for my response. I was just too shocked to react to his confession, I was just able to stare at him flabbergasted and it was as if I was glued to the concrete. Everything in me wanted to chase him and tell him that despite everything which had happened the last year that I harbored the same feeling for him. 

Then after some time, I read the line he had told me all those year ago in front of the bar where Logan, Jess and I went. "This isn't you! I know it isn't!" he had said with such conviction in his voice, which rendered me speechless. I could just reply "I don't know." I had to double-check this sentence as it felt as if I was hit by a truck, I comprehended that also my latest behavior was so not me. How could I let myself become the other woman again? How could I be so entitled and convinced that everything would fall in my lap without actually doing something? What happened to the girl I used to be all these years ago, the one who was hardworking and humble? Where did she go?

Suddenly I realized what I had to do. I had to reinvent myself, I wanted to be a hardworking person, and to become a better version of myself. I wanted to finish my book, this was my first project and my life goal. I also wanted to become the best possible mother for my unborn child. Logan...what made me cheat on my boyfriend? Being the other woman again was something I was definitely not proud of.

My mother had coddled me I noticed now. However, what was she supposed to say? Rory, why are you doing this again? Have you not learnt anything from your past experiences? You know that this will destroy you once again? No, my mom was no longer responsible for my behavior. I was a grown up woman, capable of making my own decisions and I had to live with the consequences of my behavior. It was clear that I was the only person who could change myself. No one would do this for me. For starters, I wanted to find my passion in reading again.

Over the years, I stopped reading so much. It was as if I had forgotten my deepest passion, I used to love staying up late and read my favorite novels, getting lost in worlds where everything was possible. I turned around and faced my books, which were stocked in the bookcase, and I stood up, crossing the small distance between my table and the books. Something immediately drew my attention. It was a faded and old copy of Howl. Howl, I had even forgotten that I used to love this book so much. With hesitation, I opened the book and saw the margins a certain black haired young man had scribbled in. This brought instantly a smile to my face, as this was the moment I realized that there was much more to this young hoodlum than just a troublemaker. I remember the moment as if it was yesterday; I just turned away from him, when he said in his deep confident baritone voice: "Oliver Twist." I recalled sending him a smile and walking home.

I continued skimming over the lines and I just felt embarrassed, appalled and sad at my behavior, especially that day at Truncheon Press. I wanted to do right by him, and maybe, just maybe one day becoming the person deserving of him.

Stop, I told myself. I have to focus on myself now and on the baby and most importantly, I needed to tell Logan that I was expecting his child. Oh well, this should be fun, I chuckled with a bitter tone audible in my laugh. He would for sure try to convince me that he would leave Odette to be with me. He would lure me into his world by making promises. However, I knew deep in my heart that he was not so strong that he would disobey the wishes of Mitchum or Shira. He would not abandon his family for me. It was clear to me that he would always fall in line with the wishes of his family, as he did not seem as a person who would give up the riches and stability of the life his parents had to offer.

Sighing, I opened the door of my room and went into the empty kitchen. Starting to make some coffee, I contemplated on my next steps. The first thing I had to do, was to apologize to the headmaster of Chilton, my behavior was just unacceptable. His offer was very generous and kind, it dawned me just now. Maybe it was truly right for me to go back to Chilton to teach. Maybe being a teacher was something for me. I also would re-enroll in school and would start my masters. Secondly, I had to talk to Logan; this thought was truly something, which I wanted to avoid at all cost. I was scared that I would cave and give in his love. However, I no longer wanted to be a part of this life. I still loved him. However, should love not bring the best out of you? Cheating on Paul was something, which I lamented over; I heaved a deep sigh and sat down with the cup of decaf coffee. It was pure torture not being able to drink normal coffee; however, I had to consider the wellbeing of my child. This was motivation enough. Honestly, now that the first shock had passed, I was quite happy that I was expecting a child, despite the situation not being perfect.

Did I want to be with Logan? I asked myself again. It was true we had our fine moments. Then I remembered all these gatherings, which I organized during my years at Yale, it was fun but it did not fulfil me and did not make me happy. I did not want to become like my grandmother. Being the wife of a rich man was not my calling. I wanted to shape my own destiny and wanted to become my own person. I did not want to depend on his money and on his fame. My goal and aim was to become the person I used to be, self-confident, always striving to be her best self and capable of her making own decisions. With determination I continued drinking the coffee and I felt much better and full of determination.

Reluctantly, after having double-checked that it was the right time, I started to dial the number of the person, who would be soon the father to my child. It started to ring one, two, three, four, five times...then suddenly, a deep surprised voice answered,: "Ace??"

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My dear readers, here is the next chapter. I am curious to hear what you think about it. Let me know in the comment section below.
Love
Sarah He.