written: april 21, 2020 (day 287)

the worst truth
finds me in
the most unholy
and wretched of
times and places.

the worst truth:
i miss him.
he might be
the monster in
my dream, but
first, he had
been my friend.

the worst truth
is that i
want to forgive
him just to
return to normal.
but i can't.
that would go
against everything that
i have learned
to stand for.

the worst truth
is that i
hate him but
sometimes i don't.
i miss him
instead and that
hurts more than
he ever did.