Chapter 33

I remember the first time I failed a test when I was in grade 3. Sobrang kinakabahan ako dahil baka pagalitan ako ni Mommy sa oras na malaman niya ang tungkol doon. She's strict when it comes to my study. Well, I am serious with it, too, and I gave my all, but I still didn't pass.

Umiiyak ako sa harap ni Mommy, nakayuko, natatakot at malungkot. I was dispirited and unmotivated. Tanggap ko nang pagagalitan ako pero umupo siya sa harap ko para magpantay ang tingin namin bago ako nginitian nang kaunti.

"Why do you think you failed?" she asked solemnly.

"I didn't study hard enough, Mommy. I'm s-sorry..."

"Was the test so hard that you did not pass?" marahan pero seryoso ang pagkakasabi niya.

I nodded and cried more.

"Wanna know a secret, Cadence?" she asked yet again.

I slowly looked at her with a pout. "Ano pong secret, Mommy?"

She smiled. "Here..." She gently pats my head. "You can do hard things."

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kanya. She's smiling to me kindly and I am confused about what she said.

I remember how her every words gave me the feeling of a strong push.

"Listen to me. You are capable of setting yourself free from any boundaries, any failure and any pain. You have your own power to break through. It maybe difficult to believe it now that you meet failure but even if it's hard, you must endure it. Endure it, then overcome."

"Is that a secret, Mommy?" I blink while asking her.

"It's one of the secrets in life, anak."

"What are the others?"

"One by one, while you age, you will discover. But for now, I am telling you this for free. Kung bumagsak ka ngayon, it's natural that you feel sorry. But make sure that in every apology you give to me or to yourself, you have the advantage of progress in the end. Don't just stay still. You have to move further."

She taught me how to be strong and bet on myself so that I can prove my doubts wrong.

Pinalaki niya ako sa sarili niyang pamamaraan. Mahigpit man dahilan kung bakit hindi masyadong malapit ang loob ko sa kanya, ngayon, mas nasigurado ko nang para sa 'kin lahat ng mga pangaral niyang 'yun noon.

Ngayon, gusto kong masuklian lahat ng pagkukulang ko. Pakiramdam ko, wala akong kwentang anak. I didn't see her pain. She must be enduring it by herself for a long time now. Kung mas naging observant lang sana ako, matagal ko na sanang nalaman ang tungkol dito.

Humigpit ang pagkakayakap ko sa unan na hawak ko. Gabi na ako naihatid ni Note sa bahay kaya baka tulog na si Mommy. Suot ang pantulog, nandito ako ngayon sa harap ng pinto ng kwarto niya.

Kanina pa ako nagdadalawang-isip kung kakatok ba ako o 'wag na lang dahil baka maistorbo ko 'yong tulog niya pero...

Inangat ko ulit 'yung kamay ko para kumatok pero tumigil ulit ako sa pag-aalangan. Saktong pagbaba ko ng kamay ko ay bumukas 'yung pinto.

Natigilan si Mommy nang makita ako sa harap niya. She's now in her sleepwear and she's wearing her hair down.

I smiled at her. I have a beautiful mother, inside and out.

"You're home. Nakatulog ako. I went out to check on you..." sabi niya.

Nagtatakang gumala ang paningin niya sa yakap kong unan.

I swallowed my nervousness and let my mouth do the work.

"P-pwede bang t-tumabi sa 'yo sa pagtulog, M-mommy?"

Bahagya siyang nabigla sa sinabi ko.

Naninimbang niya akong tinignan. "What's wrong? Nag-away ba kayo ni Note?"

"Po? Hindi po," umiling ako agad.

"Hmm... this is so not you..."

Bahagyang nanulis ang nguso ko. I know, Mommy. I was a daddy's girl since day one. Pero ngayon, I'll make sure that I'm going to protect you. O kung 'di ko man magawa 'yon nang buo, sasamahan po kita hanggang sa hindi ka na nasasaktan.

The image of the people I talked to earlier flashed on my mind. Agad kong iwinaksi iyon sa isip ko. Maybe he didn't tell my Mommy yet, huh?

"Please, Mommy? Gusto lang po sana kitang makatabi." I smiled at her cutely.

Siniringan niya ako ng tingin. "You're acting strange, Cadence Skylah."

"Mommy... just this once. Please?"

Sandali pa niya akong tinignan bago niluwagan ang pagkakabukas ng pinto. "Alright. Tabihan mo na muna ako habang 'di pa umuuwi ang Daddy mo."

I felt a slight pang on my chest. Pinilit kong ngumiti. Pumasok na ako bago pa niya 'yon mahalata sa mukha ko.

Humiga ako sa bandang kaliwa. This is the first time I volunteered to sleep with her. Mula nang nagkaisip ako, at sa pagkakatanda ko, si Daddy talaga ang lagi kong nilalapitan noon pa man. I kind of regret how I show her no affection for the past years.

Humiga siya sa tabi ko at lumingon sa 'kin. Nakahiga ako nang paharap sa kanya kaya ngumiti ako agad.

"How's your day, Mommy?" I asked her enthusiastically.

She shifted her weight and rest her side now, facing me. "It's alright. Bumisita ang Kuya mo."

Oh, right. Ngayong araw nga pala siya bibisita.

"How did it go? Did he ask you out?"

"Yes. But I got so much work so I declined."

I pouted. "It's a Sunday today, Mommy. You should've rested a bit."

She gave me a small smile. "That's what your brother tells me, too."

"Deserve mo rin ang pahinga, Mommy..."

She reached for my hair and gently comb it with her hand. I smiled at her simple gesture. My heart swells. Gusto ko 'yung ginagawa niya. It's like we went one step closer to each other.

"Don't you two worry about me. I enjoy working."

"Working makes you so busy."

"That's why I enjoy it the most."

Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti ko. Maybe because her work makes her mind occupied? Is that it?

"Mommy, remember when you told me one secret when I was a kid?" I gently asked her.

Bahagyang bumagal ang paghaplos niya sa buhok ko.

"About being capable to do hard things?"

Tumango ako.

I can see her reading my emotions but I know well how to hide it on my physique. Maybe just as how unreadable she is all the time, I am like her, too.

"What about it?" she asked.

"Sabi mo po, habang lumalaki ako, malalaman ko pa 'yong ibang mga sikreto..."

She smiled. "I am surprised that you still remember. Ang tagal na no'n. So how about it? Have you learned tons of it?"

"Maybe I'm still halfway..." I professed.

She chuckled softly. "It's okay. You're still young. Don't grow impatient about it. It takes time."

"You said that I could do hard things... And I also discovered that hard things includes being in pain and breaking down."

Bahagya siyang tumango. "Hmm... might be. What comes to you to discover about it?"

I smiled a bit. "Daddy's mistake."

Natigilan siya. Her eyes filled with full confusion. Then slowly, her eyes went wide.

"You..." Her mouth parted.

I smiled at her. Yes, Mommy. Your daughter knows about it already. She sees it with her own eyes.

"You said back then that I must endure it... then overcome, 'di ba po?" I gently told her. "You told me that I am capable of breaking through any boundaries even pain. If I can, I am sure you can do that, too, right, Mom?"

She looks stricken. Medyo panatag ako na nakikita ko ang emosyon niya ngayon. Hindi niya kailangang itago.

"Where are you going with this, Cadence?" mataman niyang tanong.

Ibinaba niya ang kamay sa gilid niya. She's quick to move but I saw how her hands are trembling.

"Mommy... Alam ko na po..." I faintly whispered.

Kumunot ang noo niya habang sandali akong tinitigan. "Did your brother tell you? Don't think about it. It's not a big deal-"

"How can you say that, Mommy?" I questioned her for the first time. All the time, I always say 'yes' to her. Now, I won't. "It is a big deal. We are his family. You are his wife. With what he did, he hurt you. He hurt us. He broke his family apart. How can this not a big deal, Mommy?"

Umiling siya. She looks tired and defeated. Natigilan ako. This is the first time I see her in this state. Weak and fragile, almost hopeless... This is so not her.

I clenched my fist. How can love makes you happy but could make you self-destruct at the same time?

"Mommy, you said endure it... yes... but don't skip the part where you should overcome it. You told me that yourself... You are really strong, Mom. Please po, don't get imprisoned by this pain he's causing you."

She bit her lower lip and turned her gaze away from me.

"Mommy, you're a lawyer. Then, it will be easy to file an annulment, right?" I asked hopefully.

She shook her head. "Cadence, you're still young. You won't understand it just yet. This issue is between me and your Dad, okay? Hindi kailangan ng annulment dito. We can fix it so you don't have to worry about it," she softly explained.

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kanya. Hindi ko maintindihan. Umayos siya ng higa at tumitig na lang sa kisame. Hindi ako gumalaw sa pwesto ko. I embraced my pillow tightly.

"Why are you fixing it?" I asked with a small voice.

Hindi makapaniwalang nilingon niya ako.

"What?" She frowned. "Cadence, this is our family we are talking about."

"I understand that one, Mommy. But this is your pain I am pertaining to," I replied which caused her being disconcerted. "How can you fix this family if in the first place, it's already broken? And it also continuously breaking you... I don't understand why you still want to stay."

"You don't understand what you're saying, anak. Bata ka pa... You won't understand it right now."

"Siguro nga po, hindi. Pero naiintindihan ko na mali ang ginawa ni Daddy. Naiintindihan ko na nasasaktan ka sa sitwasyon n'yo ngayon. Bakit ka po nagtitiis sa ganito?"

"Because I don't want you to get branded with having a broken family," she replied quietly.

Nagtagal ang titig ko sa kanya. I saw how her eyes teared up. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Naiintindihan mo ba 'yon? Mahirap kapag sira ang pamilya mo. And I did not dream for my children to grow up having a shattered home," she added. "It's a small sacrifice for me. It's not a big deal so you don't have to worry about me. I can handle it."

"But I'm not okay with it, Mommy..." nanghihina kong sabi. "I'd rather let you break up with Daddy so that you won't hurt anymore. Hindi mo po deserve 'yung ginagawa niya sa 'yo. For a person he once loved, he didn't value you enough to pay you respect. That enrage me more, Mommy. Kaya bakit po hahayaan mong ganito?"

"Hindi mo naiintindihan ang sinasabi mo!" she spat.

Umupo siya tsaka galit akong tinignan. Napaupo rin ako kahit nanghihina.

"Mommy, sa ginawa ni Daddy, sira na ang pamilya natin. Emotionally and mentally, wala na. Sa papel na lang tayo buo. And that's not enough. Kung ayaw na niya sa atin, bakit kailangan pa nating ipagpilitan ang sarili natin sa kanya? You can have your way to your freedom now, Mommy, away from the pain he's caused you..."

Lumandas ang mga luha sa mga pisngi niya. Nag-init ang mga mata ko habang pinagmamasdan siya.

She's now in her downfall. I don't mind being with her for all these. She supported me when I failed, I'd support her with her breaking down, too.

"I don't mind having a broken family in any terms if it means you can have your freedom and peace, Mommy. Please, don't make it so hard for you..."

"Cadence, bata ka pa. Masyado pang maaga para mawalan ka ng pamilya. You need a family for your support system. I don't want to be selfish to think just about myself when it will be your brother and especially you who would get hurt the most by this one."

"Mom, there's no need to delay everything. Nalaman ko na po. Alam na po ni Cliff. Nasaktan na kami. You are only prolonging your agony. And about family... we can still be a family even without him, 'di ba po? You could be my support system. You and Cliff. Malakas din po ako. Please, Mommy."

"He's still your father, anak..."

Tumulo ang mga luha ko.

"I know, Mommy... I am still mad at him for doing this to you. But I can forgive, Mommy, don't worry about it. Hindi pa po ngayon, pero kaya ko pong magpatawad. He can still be a father to me... I just need to take some time. But you, Mommy, I hope you overcome this one. I don't want you being caged in pain anymore. Mas nag-aalala po ako sa 'yo."

She reached for my face and gently wipes my tears.

"Now you're talking like a grown up..."

I scooted closer to her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Please, heal, Mommy. Break through this pain. I won't leave you. I could be your support system, too. I am your family."

I felt her nod on my shoulder with her sobs. 

"I'm sorry for not able to protect our family..." 

"Please don't say that, Mommy. It's not your fault..."

I cried with her, too. We cried together mourning for her lost husband and my lost hero. 

Maybe we could overcome it together in time.

Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa guilt kaya 'di pa rin umuuwi si Daddy. He texted twice to me about how sorry he was but that was it. Hindi na siya nagpakita pa sa amin.

Mommy, on the other side, is doing better. Gaya ng dati, abala pa rin siya sa trabaho. But right after she filed an annulment paper even if it costs much, her presence became lighter. Madalas na rin ang pag-uwi ni Cliff sa bahay kaya palagi kong nakikita ang pag-ngiti niya.

Maybe it requires for this family to break first to heal us individually. I just hope Daddy would find his strength to see us, his children, too. Kahit galit ako sa kanya, may lugar pa rin sa puso ko na nami-miss na siya.

I wanted to see him... but I still don't know how to approach him.

"Ice cream?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakita ang mukha ni Note na nakangiti. May hawak siyang dalawang cups ng ice cream.

This is the first time I ever saw him after two months. Nagkikita naman kami sa mga video calls pero iba pa rin kapag personal.

Nagbakasyon kasi kami nila Mommy at Cliff sa ibang bansa para sa buong summer. Kababalik lang namin kahapon at ngayon, pasukan na ulit. Good thing, nailakad na ng registrar iyong papers namin for enrollment kaya wala na kaming iniisip pa habang bakasyon.

The vacation did good to Mommy kahit na palagi pa rin siyang nagrereview ng mga cases sa tablet o laptop niya. That's our aim for those two months. Ang makapag-relax naman siya at ang mawala ang stress niya nang mga nakaraang taon dahill sa issue nila ni Daddy.

Nanatili ang tingin ko kay Note habang umuupo siya sa tabi ko. "You look more tanned in personal!"

He chuckled softly. "You mean I look hotter?"

Sumimangot ako. "Humangin bigla."

Humagalpak siya sa tawa kaya napatingin ang mga estudyanteng narito sa canteen. May mga halata pang kinikilig sa tawa niya. Umiling ako at ngumisi.

It's lunch time so it's kind of crowded now. Si Maya, hindi pa nakakauwi mula sa Canada kaya ako pa lang mag-isa rito ngayon.

"Where are the boys?" I asked him.

"Hindi pa pumasok si Jess. Si Guilbert, nasa kabilang canteen dahil kasabay kumain iyong nililigawan. Si Lucky... sa labas kakain. Nagki-crave daw sa japanese food."

I laughed. Well, they're all busy. "Buti ikaw, nandito?"

He smirked. "Nandito ang girlfriend ko, e."

I pursed my lips to contain my smile. Lagi kaming magka-video call noong summer pero nakaka-miss pa rin pala kahit ganoon. Iba pa rin pag personal.

"How's Palau?" I asked.

"Kayangel and rock islands are to die for," he chuckled. "Balik tayo roon kung may oras tayo?"

"Okay! For now, let's complete doing our 'Together-List'. How About it?"

Pilyo siyang ngumiti. "Let's start with... going to the cinema later?"

Inilabas niya mula sa bulsa ng blazer niya ang dalawang tickets at ipinakita 'yon sa 'kin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

"A date?!" I asked excitedly.

Ngumiti siya. "A date."

I nodded with glee.

Since I did not run for any position in the student council anymore, nadagdagan iyong mga free time ko. We made almost half of the activities that are in our 'Together-List'. Dumami na rin ang oras ko para sa banda.

We perform and I sing to every restaurants and resto-bars along our place every weekend. Nagkaroon na kami ng regular performance sa Silver Rocks kaya nakakaipon din ako ng sarili kong pera.

The fangirls of the four boys and some of my boy fans are also dedicated on following our every gig. Sobrang nakatutuwa tuwing nakikita namin sila na may mga kasama pang banner at posters.

By October, nakasali kami sa isang music fest. Bahagyang dumami 'yung mga fans namin dahil halu-halong banda ang tumutugtog doon, marami ring nanood. The performances were all good kaya noong kami na iyong tutugtog, nag-enjoy na lang kami.

Occasionally, I'd get sad all over while thinking about my father. Then Note will notice and do everything to distract me from it. Sometimes, he talks to me about it but those times were seldom. Most of the time, lagi lang siyang gumagawa ng paraan para mawala ang lungkot ko.

Simula ng huling buwan sa taon na iyon nang nagkausap ulit kami ni Calix. Mula no'ng nakita ko ang totoo, 'di na kami nagkakausap ulit. I always catch him watching me but I don't make any move to approach him.

Pasalamat na lang ako't hindi kumalat sa school ang tungkol sa pamilya namin. Not that I expect him to blabber around about it, though. Parang out of personality niya naman 'yun.

"Your father wants to talk to you." These are his first words after a very long time.

My mouth parted. "You know where he is?"

"Yeah..."

I smiled bitterly. Of course. Ang taong nagpalaki sa kanya iyong ipinalit ni Daddy sa Mommy ko.

I wonder if Calix supports their relationship now? Wala na si Mommy at Daddy. Parehas na silang nakapirma sa papel na 'yon. So the woman Glaiza and my Dad are now free... It makes me bitter but at least, Mommy's free from all of those now. She's now happy. I can see it.

"Why can't he ask me directly? Kailangan pang ikaw ang magsabi."

"He's afraid," he replied with his monotone voice.

"You're close now, huh."

"Nah. He just say it without me asking. He's like you. Talkative."

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. He said that with his straight face. Yelo talaga.

"When and where?"

Medyo nabigla siya sa tanong ko. There, there. Face reaction.

"You're going to meet him?"

I nodded. "You said he said that he wanted to talk to me?"

"Yeah, but... You're okay with it?" Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya.

"Do you have a problem with me seeing my father? Are you a jealous step-son now?" I teased.

"Tss... I am not his step-son."

I giggled. "Basically, tinuturing kang anak ni... ng Tita mo." Tumikhim ako. "So when and where?" I asked again.

Mataman niya akong tinignan bago nag-abot ng papel sa akin. Naroon ang address at oras ng pagkikita namin ni Daddy. It will be later. I admit that I missed him so.. Bahala na siguro kung anong magiging reaksyon ko sa oras na magkita kami ulit.

"Will he meet me alone?" I questioned.

I am not ready yet to face them together.

"I think."

Tumango ako. That's better. Hindi pa ako handa.

"You've been strong for too long."

Napabaling ako sa kanya. "Huh?"

"Are you going to be okay later?" he asked, instead. Still with no expression.

"I'll see when I get there."

He nodded. "In case you want to run away, I'll wait for you outside. I will lend you a ride to escape."

Gulat ang tingin na pinanatili ko sa kanya. "That's new. Calix Evans Alcantara... helping me?"

"I am being kind to you and that's all you could say?"

I chuckled. I appreciate it but... "Do you pity me about what happened?"

Kumunot ang noo niya.

"Don't, okay?" I purse my lips. "The best thing that's happened for me from all of these is the annulment. That was the key for seeing my Mom happy. We can still be a family even if they break up, you know... Well, I'm still working for my forgiveness but I am confident that I can make it. There's no reason for you to pity me."

Nginitian ko siya sa huli. Nanatili lang siyang nakatingin sa 'kin.

"I don't pity you. It's just that... I... I care for you."

Napakurap ako nang ilang ulit dahil sa narinig. O namali ba ako ng dinig?