Chapter 23

It's Christmas in just a few hours. Everyone in our house was so busy preparing for our noche buena. Ako, taga-nood lang dahil hindi naman talaga ako marunong. Though back in a few weeks, pag may free time ako, I gather all my sources to study cooking. Marunong na akong mag-prito nang walang kahit anong part na nasusunog. Sunod na mina-master ko ngayon ay 'yung pagluluto ng stir-fried foods.

I volunteered in the kitchen pero lahat sila, sinabihan akong sa living room na lang muna. Naroon si Manang, si Mommy at si Auntie Neri pati na rin 'yung ibang helpers. Since parang extended family na namin sila Auntie, every Christmas, sama-sama na lang naming sinasalubong ang Pasko. Even new year, depende kung uuwi sila Note sa Pangasinan dahil nandoon 'yung kamag-anak nila.

"They don't want me there," I complained as I sat down on the sofa where boys are gathered. 

Busy si Kuya Raven sa cellphone. Si Cliff naman, nagbabasa ng manga. Si Note lang 'yung nag-angat ng tingin nang marinig ako. Si Daddy, tumawa lang sa 'kin. Busy sa laptop.

"Hayaan mo na. Pasko naman," Note replied.

Nanaas 'yung kilay ko. "So? Sinasabi mo bang 'di pang-Pasko 'yung maitutulong kong lutuin?"

He laughed. "Hala, ang pessimist naman."

Kapag ako talaga naging magaling sa kusina... Hmp. Kinuha ko muna iyong phone ko para batiin 'yung mga kaibigan ko, Si Maya, 'yung Skynote, 'yung mga pinsan ko both sides, mga tito't-tita, pati si Lolo na nasa New York ngayon. Hindi ko na kasi mahahawakan 'yung phone ko mamaya dahil busy na.

Nang matapos, kinuha ko na lang iyong sketchbook ni Cliff sa ilalim ng center table tsaka pumunta sa nook na nasa tabi ng bintana, medyo malayo sa sofa pero kita naman nila. Sumunod sa 'kin si Note. Si Cliff lang 'yung sumulyap sa pag-alis namin, medyo kumunot pa 'yung noo. Buti na lang, hindi naman nagsalita.

"Anong gagawin mo?" Noted asked.

"Let's make a wishes list," I told him. Every Christmas, nagwi-wish kaming dalawa nang magkasama. Pero isa lang. Ngayon, naisip ko na wala naman talagang limit 'yung pwede mong hilingin. Kaya bakit isa lang? Ba't hindi pa marami?

"Isa lang dapat 'yung wish natin."

Umirap ako. "Sinong nagsabi? May rule bang ganon?"

He chuckled. "Bucket-list na lang, pwede pa."

"Pinaganda mo lang 'yung pangalan."

"Bucket-list ng mga pwede nating gawin nang magkasama. Ano, game?" He raised both of his brows to ask for my response. 

"Sure!" Sumandal ako sa sandalan nung nook bago inangat 'yung mga paa ko para gawing patungan ng sketchbook tsaka nagsimulang sumulat. Umupo rin nang maayos si Note sa tabi ko at nakisilip sa gagawin ko. "Let's name it Note & Cadence Together List."

I glanced at him. He smiled and nodded at my suggestion. Umusod siya palapit sa 'kin kaya nagtama iyong braso naming dalawa. I bit my lower lip to contain my smile. Weeks ago, we grew closer. Pakiramdam ko, kami na. Kulang lang talaga ng label. Not that I'm complaining. Alam ko naman na sa 'kin 'yun dapat manggaling.

"Ako una," I volunteered. 

I wrote down, 'Watch a movie together.'

"We're always watching Netflix, though," he commented. Sumimangot ako. He laughed right-away when he saw my reaction. "You mean movie in cinema?" I nodded. "Like a date?"

I rolled my eyes. "Ikaw na. Ang epal mo."

Tumawa siya. He get the sketchbook and pen from my hand and wrote down, 'Attend a music fest together.'

Lumapad 'yung ngiti ko. Gusto ko 'yun. Last October kasi, hindi namin napuntahan iyong Rakrakan Fest dahil may inasikaso kami noon for school. Syempre, mas importante ang pag-aaral.

I was the next so I wrote, 'Cadence will cook something edible to be eaten together.' He laughed at it briefly. He wrote, 'Take a walk together while holding each other's hands.' My heartbeat's going out of control once again. I wrote, 'Cook a meal together.'

"You really want to get better in cooking, huh?" he asked while smiling.

"Of course." Gusto ko siyang lutuan. 'Yung tipo ng pagkain na hindi siya malalason at mao-ospital na naman.

"You'll get better in time. Tuturuan kita."

I grinned. "Sabi mo 'yan, ah?"

He nodded and gave me a wink, "Oo naman."

He held the pen again to write. 'Volunteer together.' I smiled. He has the softest heart. Kung ako, mahilig mag-donate, siya, 'yung effort talaga niya 'yung ibinibigay niya. Tuwing may sakuna, lagi siyang sumasama sa mga pinsan niya para tumulong magpamahagi ng mga relief goods. 

I write next. 'Go to the beach and watch the sunset together.'

"I like that. 'Yung tayong dalawa lang sana," he said.

"Bawal pa 'yun," I laughed.

"We'll do that when you're 18." 

"Okay," I nodded. Napansin ko 'yung pagmamanman ni Cliff sa may sofa. Dahil naka-harap sa nook 'yung pwesto niya, kitang-kita niya 'yung ngiti ko. Sumimangot ako at inirapan siya.

Note wrote, 'Recreate old pictures together.'

"We can do that now!" 

Tumawa siya sa reaksyon ko. "Later, princess. Marami pa 'kong gustong ilista."

I pouted as I write again. 'Scuba dive together.'

Matagal pa bago kami natapos. May ilang oras pa naman kami kaya ayos lang. Napuno namin iyong isang page ng sketchbook. Two columns pa naman 'yun. I am smiling so widely while I read the rest of our list for the nth time. All of them have the same word—together—and we liked it that way. Salitan pa rin kami sa pagsusulat kaya medyo nag-tagal rin.

"Ang dami," I mumbled. We have 40 items that we must do together. Iyong iba, medyo hindi pa posible sa ngayon dahil hindi pa kami pwedeng umalis nang kami lang. But in time, I know we can do all of them.

"Kaya 'yan," he confidently said. "Time will pass and it will give us the chance. Mabilis lang naman lumipas 'yung oras."

"Aren't you scared?" I asked him. I just want to know his opinion. Minsan kasi, napapansin ko na pag nag-e-enjoy sa mga bagay, parang bumibilis ang oras. I'm a little scared of the what ifs. What if I am happy now but this happiness has its limitations? What if as the time runs fast, my time will run out, too?

"What are you thinking?"

I shrugged and sighed a little. "Just some realizations. So, aren't you scared?" I asked again.

"Nope," he replied with a small smile on his lips. 

"Why?"

"Nag-e-enjoy ako, e," he answered. "Masaya ako."

"Hindi ka ba natatakot na baka bukas, 'di ka na masaya?"

"I don't know. I don't really think about that, actually. I'm good as long as you're happy."

"Ba't ako?" I asked, confused. "You mean as long as you're happy."

"Hindi," tumawa siya sa pagko-correct ko sa kanya. "Magaan loob ko pag nakikita kitang masaya. So I'm good as long as you're happy. Masaya ako pag masaya ka. And I enjoy this life so much that's why I'm really thankful to Him. The life I am living is so blessed. Masaya si Mama. Masaya ka. Close kami ng taong gusto ko. Gusto rin ako ng taong gusto ko. Gusto ako ng magulang ng taong gusto ko. And I have the privilege to have a serious talk with you about deep matters, like this."

Habang nagsasalita siya, naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. Kung nahuhulog na talaga ako sa kanya, I won't stop myself anymore. Mahulog na kung mahulog. He's worth it.

"What's important is how we consume our time with the people we value the most. Dumaan man 'yung oras nang mabilis, ayos lang. Alam ko sa sarili kong naging masaya ako nung mga oras na 'yun. We can make our time valuable so that once it passed by, it will become a good memory. Hindi nasayang. No regrets in the end, right?" he smiled. 

"All we need to do is to seize our time better and be braver for tomorrow. You don't have to be scared about it. Just be stronger. Though I'll always be here to protect you, I know you can stand on your own having your spirit and chin up. So, relax and be happy without any fear. It will only restrain you from having a peace of mind. You can do it. You deserve it."

My lips parted because I felt like I was running out of air. 

"You deserve it, too. Hindi lang ako," I said while looking in his eyes. They were full of sincerity.

He pinched my nose lightly. "Kaya nga maging masaya ka lang. Deserved mo 'yun at deserved ko 'yun."

Pasimple akong huminga nang malalim.

Parang hulog na yata ako, Lord.

* * *

"Merry Christmas!" We greeted each other when the clock ticks on 12 am. Sobrang ingay ni Cliff na nagto-torotot kahit na 'di pa naman new year. We first take a photo for all of us, solo, with partners, and by family near the Christmas tree with several presents below. Naka-suot pa kami ng mga Santa hats. Si Note, Kuya Raven at Cliff ay suot 'yung headband na tenga ng reindeer iyong design. After the picture taking, we all sat down in our seats in front of a heavy feast. Ang daming pagkain! Paniguradong mabubusog na naman ako nito. 

I lead the prayer before we started eating. Inuna kong kuhanin ay 'yung palabok na luto ni Mommy. This is her specialty. Sobrang sarap niyang magluto! I wonder ba't hindi ko nakuha 'yung talent niya na 'yun. But then, it was a skill. I can cook good foods, too, in no time.

Puno ng kwentuhan at tawanan 'yung hapag habang kumakain kami. They were all reminiscing our epic-failed experiences when we were still young. Nakakahiya pero natatawa na lang kami pare-pareho. Nagpapadamihan pa sila ng mga kwento.

"Do you remember when we watched Titanic with Cadence? Since then, natakot na siyang maligo sa bathtub!" Daddy told them kaya natawa kaming lahat.

"Hindi pa kasi ako marunong lumangoy nun, Daddy!" I complained.

Note chuckled beside me. Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata.

"Pero nang natuto nang lumangoy, kung saan-saan na nag-da-dive. Pati sa baha," Mommy said as she smiles and shakes her head.

"Si Cliff 'yung nagsabi sa 'kin noon, 'my, na may gold fish daw 'dun sa ilalim," I commented. 

"Uto-uto ka kasi nung bata ka." Tumawa nang malakas si Cliff. Nanulis 'yung nguso ko. Tanda ko pa 'yun no'ng five years old ako. Lagi niya akong inuuto!

"Buti na lang nahablot ka nun ni Note. Ang lakas pa naman ng agos noon," sabi ni Auntie Neri. 

Napangiti naman ako. Of course, he's always saving me. May instance pa noong mga bata kami (I was 6 years old) na aksidente kong nagupitan iyong buhok ko sa gilid ng ulo. Ipinangkakamot ko kasi 'yung gunting. Sobrang halata 'yung nabawas. Ang ikli na lang nung natira. Nang nakita 'yun ni Mommy, ipinakalbo niya ako dahil pangit raw ang kalalabasan nun pag tumubo dahil hindi na pantay. Iyak ako nang iyak nun dahil sa sobrang hiya. 

Hanggang sa isang araw, lumapit sa 'kin si Note na wala na ring buhok. Nung parehas na kaming kalbo, parang ayos na sa 'kin.

He's always there to protect me. Sobrang sanay na talaga ako sa presensya niya mula no'ng mga bata pa kami. 

After eating, we did recreate some of our old developed photos. Isinama pa namin si Cliff at Kuya Raven dahil kami-kami lang din naman iyong mga magkakasama noong bata pa kami. May isang pose kami noon na naka-luhod at naka-yuko silang tatlo tapos ako 'yung naka-higa sa mga likuran nila habang maarteng kumakain ng ubas na parang reyna. 

"Pucha, ang bigat," reklamo ni Cliff nung humiga na ako. "Dalian mo na sa pag-shot, Mommy! Mababali likod ko dito!" 

Tumawa ako. 'Yung magkapatid nga, walang reklamo! Natatawa rin sila Mommy sa pinaggagawa namin. Sampo lang na pictures 'yung natapos namin dahil pati kulay ng damit, ginagaya namin.

When the new year came, marami pa ring pagkain pero 'di kasingdami noong Pasko. Umuwi kasi sila Note sa Pangasinan para doon mag-celebrate kaya kami-kami lang 'yung nandito. Nag-sindi lang kami ng fireworks, nagkalampag ng mga kawali tsaka nag-hagis ng mga barya. Pampa-swerte raw. 

Tuwang-tuwa ako habang pinapanood sila Mommy at Daddy nung nagsisindi na sila ng lusis. They looked so in love with each other. Sana pagdating ng araw, kung si Note na talaga, ay maging ganito rin kami. Tingin ko, siya na talaga, e. I don't mind being with him for all my life. Walang kaso 'yun sa 'kin.

I lift up my phone and took a picture of my parents. Tig-isa sila ng lusis habang nakatingin at nakangiti sa isa't-isa habang nag-uusap. They look at each other like they're seeing something extra special in one another in which no one else does. Gusto ko sanang lumapit pero pumasok na lang ako sa bahay. I want to give them time together. Masyado na kasi silang busy sa trabaho.

I uploaded the picture on Instagram and captioned: 'I want this kind of love, too. A powerful kind of love which is visible in just one glance."

I was busy scrolling in my feed when I noticed my face in one picture. Tinignan ko 'yung nag-post at nakita na post pala ni Note 'yun. 

Nagwala na naman 'yung puso ko habang tinitignan isa-isa iyong mga litrato. It was 6 pictures in one post. First picture ay 'yung may hawak akong gitara habang kumakanta sa stage nang naka-pikit ang mga mata. Second picture ay nung debut ni Ate Claudia at may hawak akong wine glass habang naka-make face, buti na lang at mukha pa akong matino rito. 

Third pic, ay selfie niya na ako ang background kung sa'n naka-tulog ako habang may tuping towel na naka-lagay sa noo ko. He's pouting and he looks so sad. 4th pic ay 'yung picture ko noong nasa samgyupsal kami. Punung-puno ng pagkain 'yung bibig ko, hawak ng kanang kamay ko 'yung lettuce at 'yung isa ay hawak 'yung chopsticks na may ipit na beef. Mukha akong patay-gutom dito, sa totoo lang.

Fifth picture ay 'yung picture naming dalawa bago magsimula 'yung acquaintance party. Naka-akbay siya sa balikat ko kaya dikit ang katawan naming dalawa. We were smiling directly on the camera, having both our chins up. We look so proud here. And lastly, the photo was my selfie grinning in the camera with my fist held upright beside me, with him in the background, reviewing his books seriously.

I bit my lower lip. Kanina pa ako naka-ngiti. Meanwhile, my mouth forms an 'o' when my eyes dropped in his caption. Pakiramdam ko ay hinihingal ako sa sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.

'You're the best present I've ever received for this year. I love you.'

"Oh, my God." 

Did he just announced those three words publicly?!