M A D I E

November Twenty-Second

Five

I think together we could let the past die

And live in the future.

—

Today was the day.

We walked further than we ever had on the beach. Kicked the ball around for longer than the days before. And even as we trudged up to the beach house, dragging our toes in the sand, I barely felt tired. Everything in me was humming. Alive. Energized.

Today was the day.

The days before today had flown by. Each one that passed made me feel lighter and in more control both physically and mentally. I worked on schoolwork, but I also spent a lot of time with my journal. I wrote more than I had in a long time. With each page that I turned, I felt a little more purpose and meaning pump through my veins.

Bren was present but quiet. He had a lot of homework to do as well, and I could tell whenever it frustrated him. He never let me help, though, so I learned to give him space like he gave me.

I felt most at peace whenever we were on the beach, like now. But today an energy interrupted that peace. And I couldn't keep it in any longer. It was like a whisper to let go, to disrupt the feeling of safeness and find something more.

I wanted something more.

I stopped walking, digging my heels in. Bren had been holding my hand and turned around in surprise. His hair blew in the wind as he looked back at me.

"What?"

"Bren?"

The wind whipped in front of my face, too. It was an unseasonably warm day, my hair sticking to the fine mist of sweat on my forehead. It was tempting to jump into the water, cold though I knew it would be. But I was already in my suit, and the only thing over it was a pair of jean shorts that I could easily strip off.

Maybe Bren would go swimming with me. I still had some energy, and he'd been walking around in just his swim trunks, much to my distraction.

"Madie?"

He cocked his head to the side, his lips curving up and then dropping like he wasn't sure if there was something wrong or not. And I don't know why, but everything about it was just so him.

"You told me once that if you could, you'd kiss me every goddamn day," I whispered. "I want that, too. And I want it now."

With a tentative step, Bren closed the difference between us. His lips parted. And then closed. And then parted again. A sudden curse ripped out of him. "Fuck, you have no idea what hearing that does to me. You have no idea what you do to me, Madie."

"Show me," I urged him. Heat was wrapping around my limbs, encasing my body just from his words and gaze alone.

He looked to the sky, pushing his wild hair out of his face. Who knew what he was looking for up there, but I'd be surprised if he found it. Eventually, he squinted at me through the rays of sun hitting the shore. "I just want you to know something."

"What?"

He scanned my face as he spoke. "When I brought you here, it wasn't because I wanted to steal you away for myself."

I found myself wanting to roll my eyes for a second time. "I've never thought that, Bren."

"I wanted you to be free. Safe," he insisted, his expression everything earnest and true.

A sigh. "You make me feel that way more than the distance we traveled."

I finally felt safe. And now I was ready to push beyond that.

He paused, and I could tell he was chewing on the inside of his cheek, mulling things over like the stubborn boy he was. "I know I said I'd trust that you know how you feel. But I just have to say this. I have to ask, Madie."

"What?" Exasperation threatened to take over my mood, but Bren's look reigned it in. Little worry lines creased his forehead, his eyes telling me something still bothered him.

He shifted on his feet. "It's just I'm the first guy who's treated you the way you deserve, you know? Are you sure...are you sure that whatever you feel for me might not just be...that?"

I fought the urge to give him a little shove. Instead, I just fixed him with a glare. "Don't do that, Bren. Don't twist the way I want you."

He grimaced but didn't say anything. So I continued.

"I've wanted you since before I should have wanted you. I'm pretty sure I've wanted you since that day we walked across campus, and you lent me your jacket. I've wanted you since that night when you kissed Nessa, after you tried to ignore me at the party. I wanted you every day that you made me coffee at The Grounds. And all of that was when you weren't treating me the way I thought I deserved. When it felt like you were trying to avoid me."

Bren's eyes grew wide, fixated on me. "I didn't know how else to deal with the way I felt about you, Madie," he replied, his voice gravelly, the wind whistling through it.

Then he put his hand on my bare waist, bringing us together. His fingers felt so good, so right as they lightly traced the skin there. But all he did was continue to look at me, so I managed to find my voice and ask, ""And what about you?" We were so close now that I had to tilt my head to glance up at him. "Why do you feel about me the way that you do?" I whispered. "Are you sure you aren't attached to me because I'm some version of your mom? Someone you can save?"

Bren reeled back like I'd known he would. But I needed to make clear that we were not our pasts.

"Are you fucking serious, Madie?"

A gnarled sound rose from his chest as he dragged both hands down his face, twisting away from me for a moment. When he came back, he pinned a glittering glare on me. "I loved my mom, but she was despondent, somber, dull. And every day with her and my dad felt like I was dying a little inside. But you're bright and wonderful and everything good in this world, Madie. Fuck, I've never felt so alive."

I wanted to cut in, soothe his worries, but he kept going.

"The only person I would ever go through my past again for is you, and even then, I hated it. I tried to avoid it, but I couldn't. I couldn't avoid the way I felt about you. Shit, I tried to run away from you because of it. But here I am." He grabbed onto my upper arms, tugging me into him with a little shake. "Don't you dare think that's what this is."

Shaking my head, I didn't let my gaze leave his. "I'm sorry. You're right," I murmured. His eyes were wild—nothing like the normal soft brown I'd come to know. "But Bren, that's how it feels to have you doubt me. When you doubt this. Don't twist the way I want you."

I traced his face with my gaze, in awe of how much I'd grown to love it. He did the same, and I nearly lost my breath from the intensity of it. No one had ever looked at me the way he was right now.

"I want you for you," I said, finding my voice in the midst of heavy breaths. "Do you feel the same way about me?"

Bren released a low groan and seized my face between both hands. "God, yes," he breathed right before he angled his face down, kissing me hard.

I gasped into his mouth as he held me in a crushing grip, as if afraid I'd slip away. But his lips were soft, so soft, brushing mine, capturing mine repeatedly. It was the most intoxicating paradox that only Bren could have as he kissed me for the first time, his mouth taking everything, making me feel everything at once.

And I willingly gave it all. Bren's tongue ran along my lips like it had that night in the club, but this time when I parted my lips to caress him back, he didn't jerk away. His tongue stroked against mine, thrusting into my mouth, and a whimper escaped me before I could withhold it.

I didn't feel like withholding anything, though.

One of Bren's hands dropped from my face, circling my waist instead, pulling me in tighter. I ran my hands up the edges of his bare chest, feeling his hot skin shiver at my touch. Then he moaned into my mouth, and the vibration was an echo of my heart as it tried to catch up to the moment.

Bren pulled back from his deep descent, peppering kisses across my face instead, nipping at my lips between the pressing of our mouths. "I want you for you," he murmured. "And only you, Madie."

A sudden rush of water hit our heels, and the sand gave way beneath our feet, dropping us down to our knees. We sank into wet ground, and it molded to our bodies. But Bren's lips barely left mine. It was like he was making up for all the times he hadn't kissed me, all of those goddamn days. The sand continued to shift beneath me, and I threw my arms around his neck right before I sank backward, falling into a crashing wave with Bren on top of me.

The salty sea washed over our legs, and then pulled away, leaving the two of us tangled in the sand. Bren had released my lips in the fall, and he had a barely-there smile on his face as he gazed down at me. But the smolder in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. I read everything in that look.

He leaned down, brushing his lips over my cheek in a feather-light caress. "I've wanted to kiss you for so long. So long, Madie." His mouth found my ear, his tongue grazing the edges.

"Kiss me always, Bren," I gasped. "All the time."

"I wanted to kiss you earlier, but I knew you'd be mad." His husky voice was going to be the death of me.

"Mad?" God, what was he going on about? I just wanted his mouth on mine again.

"That I had to ask you if you really wanted me."

"If you knew I'd be mad, that should be your answer, Bren."

He shook his head into the crook of my neck. "I know. I know, Madie. I was so sure of myself. But then every time I held you, that little voice crept into my head. And I couldn't get rid of it." Pulling back, he studied me beneath hooded eyes.

"Please tell me it's gone now," I whispered.

He smiled, and that was enough for me. I tugged him down, and his chest skimmed along my skin as he kissed me again. It began as a savoring kiss, slow and deep. Everything was salt. Everything was sand. Everything was Bren.

But as our lips continued to collide and our tongues continued to tangle, urgency found us. My hands slid into his hair, gripping the ends and yet forcing him into me at the same time. Bren's fingers dragged up my arms, tracing over my neck, roughly cupping my face before raking down to my chest. They were everywhere.

He palmed my breast, feeling me, his touch demanding and a caress all at once. I gasped, struggling to understand how he made me feel this way.

Bren broke away from my mouth, much to my annoyance. He ducked his head into the crook of my neck again, nuzzling next to my ear.

"Madie, I—" He cut off, choking on his words. "I am completely yours. Do you know that?"

He nipped at my ear before kissing his way down my neck, and I arched for him, giving him all of me.

"I know, Bren," I panted, not even recognizing my own voice. "I've known."

He murmured something against my skin, continuing his luxurious path of licking and sucking down my skin. When he reached the edge of my suit, he caught it between his teeth. His hand was still there, massaging me, sending jolts of desire every time he rubbed against my nipple just the right way.

"Bren, we're outside," I managed to breathe.

He jerked up at my words, but not before digging a hand beneath me. He picked me up, tossing me into his arms. I honestly had no idea he was that strong, but maybe it was just the moment. "Then let's get you inside," he said, growling his words.

And so with my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms thrown around his neck, Bren carried me toward the house, kissing me deeply all the while.

—

November Twenty-Second

Five

After all, I still think we could be the

luckiest ones of all.

🖤
I ain't never made anyone wait until chapter thirty-six for a first kiss before.
I'm laughing to myself, thinkin I'm funny.
Thanks for not giving up on us before we got here!
xoxo amelie