M A D I E

November Twenty-Nine

Five

No one told you today that you were worth a damn thing.

But no one needed to.

Because you knew it when they looked at you. You knew it when they smiled at something you said. You knew it when they showed they cared.

With a touch.

Or their time.

Or just a tiny little gesture.

You knew it when you looked in the mirror.

And you told yourself that today you're worth every damn thing.

—

Beau and Nessa were sitting at the kitchen island the next morning, noses in bowls of cereal. When Bren and I walked down the stairs, their heads slowly rose, their expressions morphing into teasing smirks.

Beau dropped his spoon in his bowl and pushed a bottle of Lysol bleach to the counter's edge with a single finger.

"That's for the shower," he said wryly.

Nessa used her spoon as a pointer stick, waving it at Bren. "You know, I'm starting to think I shouldn't have kicked you out of the room that night. Clearly, I missed out on something."

"Hey, Wednesday," I snapped, despite the grin on my face as I walked past her. "Stop flirting with my boyfriend." I snatched the spoon from her, and she threw her head back and laughed.

Nessa was just being Nessa. Weird, slightly inappropriate humor was her trademark. I'd always be a little jealous that she'd hooked up with Bren first, but it didn't leave that weird longing in my stomach anymore. I would never have what they have, but I didn't want it. I wanted what Bren and I had.

Because what we had was really good.

Bren was laughing to himself and collapsing onto the couch by the time I turned around. I poured a glass of water and brought it over to him.

"Do you have a headache?" I asked. The crease on his forehead screamed hungover.

He grinned. "Yeah."

"Why are you smiling then?"

He took a long drink of the water, his eyes continuing to smile at me above the glass's rim. Swallowing, he said, "You called me your boyfriend."

"Oh." I instantly flushed. I guess we had never really talked about it like that. Maybe he didn't—

"Hey, Madie?" Bren interrupted my thoughts. "I'd really love it if you didn't start overthinking it and let me call you my girlfriend, too," he murmured.

I smiled, suddenly feeling a little shy as heat rose from my chest to cheeks. That sounded good to me.

"Oh, so now you're blushing, huh?" Bren trailed a finger down the side of my face. "You weren't this shy last night when I—"

A sandal flew over the back of the couch and smacked Bren's face, accompanied by Beau yelling across the room. "We all know what you did last night, lover boy."

Bren scowled at his friend but then ended up laughing as he threw the flip flop back at Beau. But he accidentally hit a jug of orange juice and made a complete mess of the kitchen. And then we all laughed.

We spent the rest of Saturday on the beach. There was more booze, more music, more laughing. Beau threw Nessa over his shoulder and then tossed her in the ocean, and she spent an hour swearing at him. And then Bren grabbed my hand and tugged me into the water, too. He held me as the cold waves crashed into us, and I clung to him and hoped I'd never need to let go.

That night, Bren and Beau grilled while Nessa waved around a Margarita and attempted to extract every single dirty detail that I was willing to divulge about Bren and I. Then we played drinking games, and Nessa dared Bren to kiss me. Which he did an incredibly thorough job of doing, leaving me panting and wanting more on the beach, toes curling into the sand.

We felt like kids being kids in an adult world again. Because that was all college really was, right?

It was sad to see Beau and Nessa leave. Before they were about to go, Nessa pulled me to the side. "How are you?" she asked, putting a hand to my head, brushing down my hair.

"I'm good," I said and smiled. "I'm really good, Nessa."

She grinned back at me. "You seem really good," she said, dropping her hand. "You know, if I had known how crazy he was about you that first night we met, I never would have kissed him."

I shook my head. "Nessa, I—"

"No really, Madie. I know you were with he-who-shall-not-be-named at the time, but still. That day when the two of you came into The Grounds for the first time? God, you should have seen the way he kept peeking at you over his computer." Her grin grew even wider. "I'm just really happy for you."

"Thank you. Thank you for everything, Nessa." I felt like a broken record lately, but I owed all of them so much.

But she just waved my thanks away. "Just don't break that poor boy's heart, and we're good."

I laughed. "That's not going to happen."

I glanced a Bren, his head tilted back as he laughed at something Beau had said. My heart swelled. Sometimes when I looked at Bren, I wondered if I had ever really loved Quinton. Because what I felt for Bren went far beyond anything I had ever experienced before. It consumed me. It confused me, honestly. We hadn't known each other that long.

But it wasn't one of those things where it feels like you've known someone forever. It was one of those things where you didn't know everything about someone, but you didn't need to. It went beyond knowledge, beyond logic and reason.

When I looked back at my friend, I noticed her smile had faltered. "Do you have a plan?" she asked quietly. "About what you'll do after the semester is over?"

"No," I replied, my voice just as soft as hers. "Not yet."

She tucked her long hair behind her ear, her eyes shifting a bit. Finally, she sighed. "You know what I think, don't you?"

I nodded. "I'm pretty sure I do."

"Think about it," she urged. "And call if you wanna chat."

"Okay," I promised. I had been thinking about it. It was what'd been weighing on my mind when I walked alone on the beach the other day. I knew I needed to talk to Bren about it some more, but at the same time, I already knew what he was going to say.

Nessa and Beau headed out pretty soon after that. Bren and I went to bed early, exhausted from the weekend. I had been nearly asleep when he began to kiss a line down my back, muttering about how he was happy to have me alone again.

And that was all it had taken for me to turn around. Because I had known what would happen if I turned around. Bren made slow, lazy love to me. It had started that way, anyway. By the end, it was a session of sheet-grabbing sex that made our night in the shower look tame in comparison.

He loved to tease me, though, see how long he could draw it out before I was begging for him to give me everything. Bren said there was no need to rush now. But it felt like there was a ticking clock to me. An alarm set to go off. Because pretty soon the semester would be over. And I—we—would need to decide what we were going to do.

A few days after Nessa and Beau left, I brought it up.

"Bren?"

He looked up from the sandwich he'd been making.

"It's December," I said.

His lips twitched, trying to suppress a smile. "It is, baby."

I bit my lip, worrying it. Bren's half-smile fell.

"What?" he asked.

"I just don't know what we should do," I finally confessed.

He sighed, knowing. "I do."

"Bren..."

"You can't hide forever, Madie."

"But I can't lose you."

"You're not going to lose me. Even if I'm not next to you. Even if you can't talk to me. Even if it's just a memory, I'll always be there for you." Then he left his food on the counter and walked toward me with a lopsided grin. "Besides, I'm guessing nothing will happen. I'll do some community service, and we'll call it a day."

I couldn't find it in me to return his smile. He seemed to read my mind. Bren cupped my face. "Even if Quinton somehow manipulates things to get me stuck in prison for a few months, so what? It is such a small trade-off, Madie. What if he hurts someone else?"

I hated that thought. The thought that I had the potential to let Quinton ruin more lives than just mine. I knew Bren was right. I had known it for a while.

But I was still scared. And I wrestled with guilt. Bren had thrown himself into the crossfire for me. He didn't deserve to be punished for it.

But if we could get through this, then I wouldn't ever have to feel scared again—at least not because of Quinton Reid. And that was what convinced me to nod slowly while looking into Bren's chestnut eyes.

"Yes?" Bren dared to look hopeful.

I nodded again. "After the semester," I said, and he kissed my forehead. "We can go back, and I'll press charges against Quinton. And we'll see what happens."

"It'll be fine." Bren seemed awfully certain about that, his grin growing. "Everything will be fine."

Throwing my arms around his neck, I muttered into his neck. "I hope so."

"I know so," he whispered back and held me for a long moment. "I'm proud of you." Letting go, he motioned toward the back door. "Come here."

Mutely, I followed him. He walked all the way out until our toes touched the line where the dry sand met the wet. Bren dropped into the sand, patting the empty space next to him.

It was already late. The ocean was an inky mass, lulling my anxieties as I sat next to Bren. We didn't say much as we studied the waves for the millionth time since we'd arrived. But it was still peaceful. It didn't matter how many times I watched the crash of land and sea; there would always be something about it.

I didn't realize that Bren had been watching me until I turned to see his dark gaze.

"You're so beautiful." The words were barely audible, but I knew that was what he said. I just knew.

He leaned toward me, finding my lips with the tenderness of a hesitant, first kiss. It wasn't our usual kiss, the kind of kiss meant to stoke a fire. It was meant to tell a story, our story. I kissed him back, gliding my hand up his cheek as I did. We fell back into the sand, lying there on our sides, mouths unwilling to break.

Until they did, and we turned over, looking at the sky.

There were a thousand stars above, and it was magic.

"Can we wait until after Christmas?" I eventually whispered. "I just want to have Christmas with you...without all that."

Bren paused. "Sure."

I twisted my head, knowing that there would be sand in my hair for days. But there was more on Bren's mind than what he'd just said. And I needed to know.

He cleared his throat. "Would you...nevermind."

"What is it, Bren?"

"Nothing."

"Bren, tell me."

Finally he turned to look at me and quickly muttered his question. "I'd just been wondering if you'd want to spend Christmas with me at Caroline's."

A smile crept onto my face at his bashfulness. "I would love that." I wanted to meet this woman. She meant so much to Bren. He'd never explicitly said that, but he didn't need to. And there was no way we'd be going to see my family for Christmas—not after the mess of Thanksgiving.

"Yeah?" His smile matched mine.

"Yeah," I confirmed.

"Will your parents be okay with that?"

I snorted. "I don't care, Bren."

Bren laughed a little before looking back at the stars. "Hey, you said your dad was pretty...regretful about how he handled things with Quinton's dad. Do you think he'll keep working with him?"

The moon and the lights from a distant pier were illuminating the profile of Bren's face, distracting me. He was so perfect.

"Madie?" He rotated his head toward me when I didn't reply. Seeing me staring, he smiled coyly.

"Um...yeah." Feeling caught, I was hasty to start talking. But I didn't really know what to say. "I don't—I don't know. I want to say he won't. But I'm sure he will."

"What do they do? For work?"

I grimaced. "Pharmaceutical sales."

"Oh." Bren frowned. Then his brows disappeared into his hairline. "Oh. So do you think that Quinton..."

"Had access to any kind of pills he wanted? Maybe even placebos?" I filled in for him. "Yeah, I think it's possible. Quinton once told me that his dad would bring things home with him all the time because he was one of the sales reps. Who knows if he was actually supposed to be doing that or not. Maybe he was...I don't know." I sighed. "I rethink everything now, you know?"

Bren nodded.

I snuggled closer to him, and Bren repositioned himself so he could sneak an arm beneath my head. "Who knows. We might never. But that's all in the past now," I concluded.

When Bren stayed quiet, I tipped my head to see him. His eyes were on the sky, tracing the stars.

The sound of a crashing wave flooded my ears. It was louder than all the others, which should have been a clue, a forewarning of the water that rushed up and covered our feet in a cold dousing.

Bren didn't even flinch.

"What's in the future, Madie?"

"You," I breathed without hesitating. "And me. That's all I really know right now."

And it was all I needed to know. But when he didn't reply, looking stoically away, it made me wonder.

"Is that enough?"

Bren's head tipped down sharply, brows furrowed. "That's all I want, Madie. I want that so badly."

"I want it, too," I whispered. "We can have it."

With a gentle slide of lips, Bren kissed me, and I murmured the words against his mouth again. "We can have it."

Bren didn't reply. But he did kiss me. He kissed me until a wave splashed up and over our knees. And then we went inside, leaving the night behind.

—

December Third

Five

Here

the night is as beautiful as the day.

The stars dip into the ocean, a dewy sparkle

that's just like when the fiery sun hits your face.

And I love it all.

Because I love you.

🖤
I'm pretty sure that the next chapter will be out tomorrow because now I'm determined to have everything finished by the end of the weekend.

I'm not ready for tomorrow.

Love to you all. Thanks so much for reading!
xoxo amelie