"I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly." — Franz Kafka
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Chapter 85
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Maggie

"Here for the best sister in the world, I have..." My brother passed me with a smile that made me want to barf at its cheeriness. "A good, toasty bagel with cinnamon and butter, and an extra large mocha latte with two pumps of extra youbettereatthisoverpricedshit."

He placed everything in front of me, and I sighed. "I told you I wasn't hungry, Jax."

"After the pain I suffered swiping my card?" he snorted and took a seat across from me. "You are now."

I rolled my eyes, pushing the bagel away. It wasn't from repulsion, since the food looked delicious, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it down. "I'll pay you back, then. I'm not hungry right now."

Jax glanced at the plate, then back at me. "Mags," he said with concern, "You've barely eaten enough for a toddler over the past few weeks. And what you did eat, you've thrown up half the time."

"That's not true." It was. Hopefully, it'd put me out of my misery. "I ate a bowl of pizza rolls last night and a spoonful of ice cream." I had thrown it all up afterwards. "That's as nutritious as it's gonna get, if you ask me."

Jax scowled at my nonchalance, but before he could respond, Tony, who had just returned from the restroom, intervened.

"Here goes my favorite set of twins..." Tony said, glancing between us warily as he took his seat. "What's going on?"

Jax motioned to me. "Just Maggie being stubborn as usual."

Tony didn't look surprised. He placed an arm over Jax's shoulder and sighed. "Maggie, you know we love you, but if you don't eat at least half of the bagel, your brother and I are going to become the most obnoxious roommates ever."

I sighed. "Is that a threat?"

They both nodded.

"I could just run away," I said with a glare at my plate. "You know, save myself the trouble."

"You won't even make it to the condiment station before we tackle you," Jax threatened, earning a kiss of agreement from Tony. "Finish half of it, and then and only then, can you leave."

My stomach churned as I stared at the food. It wasn't about the meal itself but the pain I'd been carrying for the past three weeks. Since leaving Luke, my heart had remained frozen, and every memory, good or bad, haunted me.

People usually said that time heals, but fuck, did they forget to mention how much that time fucking hurts. Everything did.

I thought about him every single minute of every single day, and even in my dreams, he found his way in, and never left. I had only managed to keep the nightmares away with some of his jackets and blankets he had left behind in my car. They couldn't be used forever, though.

It wasn't just the perfect, warm memories that were smothering me, though; it was the bad, cold ones that I had created for him in our final moments, too. As bad as I was hurting, the fact that he was, and me being the reasoning behind it was my biggest concern and my biggest foe.

I couldn't blame him if he hated me. He probably did, and I had no right to be upset at it. His feelings came first in this, and I would respect that, no matter how angry they may be.

I didn't tell anyone the entirety of the story, and probably never would. I just made sure to clarify that it wasn't Luke's fault, and that if there was blame, then it should only go to me. Not him.

Regardless of what Luke and I were, and even without him as mine, I would never let someone slander or disrespect his name or his character. Never. That wouldn't change.

I didn't know how to handle it all.

All I wanted to do was call Luke, show up to his house, drag him into my arms, and express my apologies with everything I could, even if I didn't receive forgiveness right away. I wanted to give him the truth as he had taught me to do, but for his sake, I couldn't.

I couldn't, and it was ripping me in half.

I had to stop myself a number of times from asking Kimberly to ask Kade about Luke, as pitiful as it was. I was willing to accept any type of source that gave me an answer to how he was doing, but I managed to stop myself.

Today, Jax and Tony had dragged me out of the house, and to this cafe a couple of minutes out of town. It was a small, cute shop with endless options of coffee and desserts, but it didn't do much for me. Nothing did, anymore.

I didn't think a thing ever would. Not until the other half of my soul was restored.

That was what my Luke was to me. The half of my everythings, except one. My heart. That was his as a whole. There was no halving that.

Life didn't stop for heartbreak, though. It went on, despite how tortuous it was. I had found out that distractions were my best friends.

From my savings and what granny left behind for Jax and I, I had planned on getting my own apartment, but Jax wouldn't have it. He and Tony demanded I move in with them a day after I came to their house, despite my arguments. They refused to listen to it, though, so I agreed to only keep it temporary.

I had forced myself to mold my pain around temporary distractions, though. Between that, searching for a new job, and being forced to join in on Jax and Tony's hobbies, it had worked to keep my mind off of everything.

I was third-wheeling half of the time, though, since those two were the most lovey-dovey shits around. It genuinely made me want to strangle them.

I had barely even remembered to register for classes last week until Kimberly and Raven dragged me to campus. As strange as it was, I was actually excited for classes to start, just to have an extra time-consuming distraction from everything.

"Mags."

I glanced up. Jax and Tony were staring at me for a response to....I honestly don't even fucking know.

"What?" My voice came off as snippy, despite it not being intentional. It had been that way for weeks, now. Even Kimberly and Raven caught it.

I wondered if Luke was the same. If he had lost his knowledge, reasoning, and passion for so many things like I had. He was the biggest one of them all for me.

Jax kept a neutral expression at my attitude; everyone had accepted it, now. "We asked about your classes."

I glanced down to my bagel, which I had only taken nibbles off of. It wouldn't be enough to leave. "What about them?"

"Nothing now," Tony said, his tone soft. "How was today for you, though? I hope the change of scenery helped."

"It was fine," I replied, forcing a smile. "Thanks for taking me."

But their worry persisted. They reached for my hands, offering comfort I didn't know how to accept.

"We're sorry, hun," Tony said, his eyes kind. Jax added, "It'll get better, Mags, you know that."

I couldn't respond. My broken heart was beyond it.

I pulled my hands back, and tucked one into my pocket. "Is this an intervention or something?"

Jax and Tony swapped glances, again. I had only meant it as a joke, but at their prudent front, I wasn't sure.

To escape this even quicker, I took a bigger bite from my bagel. The sweet cinnamon stuck to my finger until I had to grab a napkin.

"No, but..." Tony sighed. "We were just wanting to—"

"Mags, why don't you just talk to him?" Jax interrupted with defeat.

My heart bent into an usual angle. Around my bite, I mumbled, "Why should I?"

Luke hates me, and he has every right to do so. He doesn't want to talk to me, let alone be around me. There was no changing that.

Jax sighed, an irritated expression settling over his face. "Because, he loves you, and you love him. You want him, and he for damn sure wants you. What the hell else matters?" Tony squeezed Jax's shoulder to give his agreement. "Literally everyone sees it. Even Kim and Raven."

I didn't mean to let it happen, but my grip tightened around my bagel in desperation until it crumbled. I didn't want to talk about this. "You've been talking to each other about it?"

"Yes, because we're all confused and clueless over what happened—"

"You don't know for a reason, Jax."

"Then let me know, Maggie."

My sigh was heavy. I chewed on my next bite for the longest period in history, then swallowed it down a dry throat. Even after I took a long sip of my latte, though, neither of their undying stares had wavered.

"It's not important," I murmured, despite the wringing of my fractured soul. "Luke and I are over. That's it. It's our business, and our business only."

The words didn't even sound like mine. I wished they weren't.

Just as I glanced away, the universe bit me in the ass yet again. To my side of the table, a man walked alongside his wife, but that wasn't what caught my attention. In his hands was a box of cinnamon rolls, and a coffee marked as black.

Just like Luke used to love.

Back at the diner, when we played that prank on each other and ruined the others coffee, I had found out that he likes his own black, because it was what he had gotten used to while being at the hospital with his mother for so long. He had said that he wanted to try something else, but didn't know where to start. When we became friends, though, I had surprised him with a lineup of creamers to try, and I still remember the adorable blush and smile on his face when he tried the cinnamon first, since I mentioned that it was my favorite. He didn't even try the others after that. Ever since then, that creamer was the only one that he would add to his coffee.

I missed him.

I missed everything there was about and to him. His smile. His voice. His hugs and kisses. His attitude and snide comments. Our banter that would somehow turn into flirting until it left one or the other flushed. The way we looked at and encouraged one another. Being each others, other. I missed it all.

The fact that it had been taken away by a monster was what tore my soul to shreds.

To everyone else, I knew it looked as if I had ran away, since that was my past specialty and my most common reaction to fear, but not this time. I would have never ran from the person who taught me why staying was worth it, and why I shouldn't be afraid. I would have never left him, let alone hurt him the way I did, not on my own.

They could think what they wanted, though. They had no idea what had really occurred, and they never would. I wouldn't ever risk it getting back to the mayor and having it hurt Luke or Wendy.

We all continued to eat in silence. The latte and the bagel had started their mix for disaster minutes ago, but I pushed through for my own sake.

By the time half of it was finished, I was nearly pale with sickness, but also satisfaction.

I pushed the plate toward them. "Meet your criteria, boys?"

They examined the plate and then exchanged uncertain glance.

I didn't even wait for a response before I was standing up. I had grabbed my bag from the back of the chair before I heard my brother.

"Wait," Jax called, concern stringing along his words, "Where are you going?"

"I have to go, and get my things from..." The buildup of his name in my throat nearly had it in pain. I shook my head, averting my gaze to the carpet. "I've been holding it off long enough. I'm just gonna rip the bandaid off." More like skin myself alive, but the correlation was still pain, so whatever.

"Mags..." He and Tony passed uncertain looks to one another. "Are you sure that you should be driving? It's getting dark out."

I shrugged. "I drove here, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but..." His eyes dipped before meeting mine, again. The hesitation remained. "I don't know. I think it's best if I go with you, just in case being in his house and around everything is too much for you."

I waved him off, but not for the reason he thought. It was the fact that I wanted to feel it. All of it.

"I'm a grown woman, Jax. I can handle it." I tugged my bag over my shoulder with a shrug that made my shoulders hurt. "It's just a house." A house with the very person I called home inside of it.

"Are you sure?" Tony tossed in. "You know it'll be no problem to drive you."

"Yeah, I..." I hadn't even realized my eyes were watering until the thick paste tripped my line of vision up. "I have to drop the Mercedes off with him, anyway."

Tony sat up at this. "Hold on. You're giving back a Mercedes?" Jax shared the same shock, eyes widened at me. "Seriously?"

My eyes lowered, and I had to gulp past the swell of emotion in my throat to continue, "Yeah. I'm gonna just drop it off in his garage before I start packing."

I didn't know if Luke would accept it back, but it wouldn't alter my choice. I knew that he could buy another if he wanted, without even a dent in his bank account, but it wasn't about the money; it was the principle and the respect, something that I would always carry when it came to him. As much as I loved the car, it wasn't right of me to keep it, or anything else that he had given me.

Despite the lie I had told him, I didn't have it in me to live up to it. I didn't know if he'd accept or even acknowledge it, but it wouldn't change my decision.

Jax tilted his head at me. "How are you gonna get back?"

"My old car is in his garage."

His skepticism remained. "Mags, I don't know. I just don't want to risk you having a break down or anything—"

I waved him off. "Don't be silly. I'm fine." I was lying. I was giving myself ten minutes minimum before I broke down in my car. "I promise I'll be okay, Jax. He won't even be home. It'll take me an hour, if even that." To get him off my back, I added, "Then, all three of us can curl up to watch some stupid horror movie until one of you pussy out and start crying, okay?"

Jax assessed me but knew arguing was pointless. He sighed, stood, and hugged me.

"You're such a bitch," he grumbled, playfully squeezing my sides to earn a fake laugh. "And you know that I love it and you."

I chuckled. Despite my heartbreak, my brother's hugs comforted me, if only briefly. I appreciated it, and him, so much.

"What if I said..." I smiled against his neck, "That I might love you too?"

Jax tore back as if I'd shot him.

The caution on his face grew before he placed a hand against my forehead with a smack that had me hissing. "I'd say that you were dying, or something, because what the fuck?"

I softly laughed; this was the first in a month. "To reassure you that I'm not dying and that I'll always be around to annoy you and Tony, I'll stop." I gave a sincere smile. "I hate you too, loser."

Jax sighed in relief, glanced at Tony, and chuckled. "There's my sister."

I hugged Tony, and as he kissed my head, Jax's phone rang.

When I turned, I saw him reading a text with a growing grin.

"Kimberly and Raven?" I asked.

"No, it's..." His eyes swept over to Tony for help before returning to mine with a panicked stare in place. "My doctor."

I raised an eyebrow. "Make sure you set an appointment to get your bullshit checked out, too, okay?"

He nodded quickly. "Will do." Idiot.

I studied him suspiciously. I didn't know what the girls had texted him, but he was being weird as shit after it. I didn't know if they were still stuck on the topic of Luke and I, but I wasn't going to let it delay me. I would ask about it later.

After our goodbye, I left with coffee in hand, my lack of sleep catching up.

As I drove to my—Luke's—house, a part of me grew wary over whether or not I should have taken Jax's offer. My body was so overturned with nerves, I could barely keep a grip around the wheel.

It was insane, considering Luke wasn't even there. I verified it through security cameras. I didn't know where he was or if he'd return while I packed, which would probably send me into cardiac arrest.

I couldn't face him. I'd looked at countless pictures of us, even some he didn't know I had, but that I found adorable. But seeing him in person was different, and we couldn't afford it with his father's threats.

Reaching his house, I reminded myself to be cautious. Even though I hadn't seen him, I wanted to be certain.

After checking the security cameras for any sign of him, I deleted the app. It hurt more than expected, but what made it worse was when I got to the gates and realized that he hadn't changed his passwords from my birthday.

Seeing the empty driveway, relief and disappointment washed over me. I despised myself for the latter.

I knew this to be one of the bare thoughts he had told me about that night at the hotel after the charity event. Where we knew we wanted to say or do something, but didn't since society had molded our brains to keep it quiet.

Here was mine.

I wanted to see him, kiss him, hug him. I wanted him.

But I never got what I wanted.

My movements felt sluggish as I approached the house. It was the same, yet so different.

Just days or weeks ago, we'd have been packing for our new apartment, shopping for decor together, and opening a bottle of wine that would have remained untouched the second we got stuck one each other.

And now, it was gone.

I halted my steps for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut, daring the burn to recede. It barely obliged, but I used it as motivation for the next steps.

I had already readied a couple of boxes from Jax's house, so I made sure to grab the first out of my car.

Since the app was removed from my phone, I used my key to unlock the door. The security system beeped, but instead of the usual sound of dog paws against tiles, there was silence.

That struck me as strange; Fang always greeted Luke and me with kisses. I shrugged it off as I stepped inside. Luke probably took him to the kennel in order to have a minute to himself after everything.

I lingered in the doorway until my legs grew tired. I knew I was being a pussy, but it was already getting difficult to breathe just being here.

The only thing propelling me forward was the fact that he wasn't here. Just a glimpse of him would make my lungs ache for air that had eluded me for weeks.

My hands shook as I grabbed my box and headed straight for our room. If I stopped to look at anything now, I wouldn't make it out with my sanity intact.

Even with a clear destination in mind, everything around me continued to trigger heartache. Every single thing reminded me of my boy.

In our room, I went straight for the dresser, aiming to grab only the necessities. I wanted to get everything in one go, but I knew it wasn't realistic. I had been with Luke for months, so basically everything inside of the house was mine, too.

To expedite the process, I tossed my clothes into the box, quickly. Luke's hoodies and sweatpants often found their way into my stack, as I wore them most often.

I sniffled, repeating the action until my nose was stuffed. I knew it'd be hard, but fuck. Hard was an understatement.

When I finished, my hands overflowed with my belongings, but there was more to pack. I'd have to go outside for more boxes.

Just as I started to turn toward the door, something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. Or perhaps it was the significance of it that tugged at my heart.

I turned slowly until I faced the wall. Our pictures together.

I squeezed my eyes shut until the pinching became unbearable. Even as I pried them open, I preferred that pain rather than the one I was running from.

On shaky legs, I approached the wall. We had added more pictures of us when we moved into Luke's room, but my eyes landed on the very first one right in the middle. It was the picture Luke had hung up the night we almost kissed for the first time.

My heart shrank at the sight. That girl in the picture had no idea.

Before I could second-guess myself, I removed the picture and placed it on top of my belongings. I knew better than to keep it, but I wanted it close. As I said, my love and heart would never forget or leave Luke's, not in a million years.

I wiped away my tears and carried my items closer to my chest as I left our bedroom. I made sure to grab the garage remote on my way out of the house.

As soon as the garage door creaked open, I approached my old car, unlocked it, and loaded my things inside.

As I leaned against the garage wall, I took a moment to collect myself. If I continued like this, my emotions would never recover.

Just as I wiped my cheeks, I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I pulled it out and read the text through my tears.

Jax: How's my little ugly duckling?

Jax: Hello? Baby sister?

Jax: Mags.

Jax: I'm coming over.

I chuckled weakly. I understood his concern, given my state of mind lately, but I didn't want him to see me like this. He had enough to worry about, and I didn't want to add to that.

Me: I'm fine. Don't come.

Jax: Are you sure?

Me: Positive. I'm nearly finished, anyway.

I tucked the phone away before I could see more messages. If he kept insisting, I might end up accepting just to spare myself the emotional turmoil.

Before I could put the phone away, I received another notification. Raven was calling.

Sighing, I answered. I might as well get it over with. The girls had been checking in on me daily, along with countless chick flick and ice cream nights. I had learned that if I didn't respond to their texts or calls, they'd just show up at Jax's house, anyway.

Raven's face appeared on the screen, with Kimberly beside her. Both were already grinning so wide it made me scowl.

"If I hear one more inspirational quote from either of you, I swear I'll block—"

"Not this time," Kimberly chuckled. "We just wanted to call to say hey." Raven nodded, passing me a smile and, "And that we miss you."

My suspicions rose at that. Previous calls had always started with some dumbass quote.

"Kimberly," I called out. She sucked at lying, so I would be able to read through her easier than Raven. "Is something going on?"

Raven had definitely given her lessons, though. Keeping a neutral expression, she shook her head. "Of course not. Everything's perfect, right, Raven?"

Raven nodded eagerly. "Of course. It's as perfect as can be, isn't it, Kade?" Kimberly shifted the phone toward Kade, who was busy giving bills to a cashier.

From the view, I could see the cake displays along the walls. They were in a bakery, for some reason.

I glanced between the girls, who were cheesing so hard, it was creepy.

"Why are you guys at a bakery?" I asked.

Kimberly blinked, startled by my question. "Because..." I could see the truth about to spill out before Raven jumped in, "Because we wanted cake, obviously."

They were terrible liars. "You three wanted cake at nearly eight o'clock at night?"

Just as the girls exchanged a glance, I heard the familiar rumble of Levi's voice as he said, "Double-check that they spelled Maggie's name—" Before he could finish, I heard a smack that I was sure came from Kade to silence him.

Okay, they were getting a cake with my name on it for some reason that I was too tired to figure out.

"So," I challenged the girls. "Which one of you plans on confessing first?"

Both girls allowed their surprise to break through but quickly covered it up.

"Maybe later." Raven tried to smile. "We're gonna let you go, though, before L—" Kimberly covered her mouth to halt her words and offered a careful smile to me. "Just...trust that the universe is going to give you a real nice surprise sooner than you think. It could be a day, a week, an hour. Just trust it, okay? Bye, love you—"

Before I could respond, they hung up.

Still puzzled, I stared at the screen until it went black. I had no idea what they were up to, but I couldn't focus on it right now.

Sighing, I grabbed the next couple of boxes and my gifts from the Mercedes and headed back inside.

I was skeptical about the gifts part, but I couldn't help myself, not after the reminder of Luke's face when I said all of those things to him. When I had pretended that he wasn't worth everything in and out of this world to me.

I had wrestled with myself for days about giving them to him, but ultimately, I decided to do it. The first gift consisted of two weeks' worth of cinnamon rolls and two platters of his favorite pinwheels that I had made the other night. The second was a picture I had taken of him and his mother. I had it professionally framed and printed, because he had mentioned wanting one to hang up a while back.

I think a part of him was too nervous to ask his mother for it, which I understood, because of his father, so I did it myself. I had gotten his mother one to hang up in her hospital room, too. It had taken a while for the pictures to come in, but now that I had them, I planned to leave it for him to hang up. It wasn't much, but I hoped he would like it and somehow realize everything I couldn't tell him.

Sighing, I continued down the familiar path. I needed to hurry; it was getting late, and I didn't know if Luke would be back soon.

I couldn't help but wonder where he was, though. I didn't know how he was coping, or if he was coping at all. If he was with Kade and Levi. If he was drunk or stoned out of his mind. If he was with another girl to find some form of relief.

The last thought nearly caused my body to collapse on the staircase. Pain was all I knew the longer the possibility struck me. My mind wasn't faring any better.

I knew we weren't together anymore, but just the thought of anyone else touching him physically or emotionally like I had made my heart and mind reel in madness. I couldn't handle it, and I knew I never would be able to.

Pushing back the bile in my throat, I continued on to the kitchen, where we had spent countless moments learning about each other. Where my heart had been brought back to life time and time again. Where we had our first kiss after confessing everything.

This part was the hardest.

I placed the food in his fridge. I had made enough to last him a while, so it took some effort to fit them all in.

Then, I turned to the kitchen island with a sigh.

Under a trembling hand, I placed the key to the Mercedes first, followed by the card he had given me, the house key, the gifts for him and his mother, and finally...

The longer I stared down at the bead bracelet on my wrist, the more I thought it a shock device. Endless rolls of electricity was humming right through me the longer my fingers grazed the beads. The memories connected to it were far too significant to discard.

My hand fell to my side; I couldn't bring myself to do it.

My head drooped as I moved down the hallway to our bedroom. I just needed to finish packing, and then I could leave to break down in peace.

When I finished packing the rest of my items, my body and soul ached as one. I hadn't thought it was possible, but in the place where it was revived, it definitely was.

Under trembling breaths, I cast one last look at the room where we had slept, learned, laughed, and loved together. A place I would never be again.

Jax was right. This was tearing me apart.

I swallowed, fighting off a panic attack, and picked up my boxes. One more left.

I made sure to lock the Mercedes and the garage after I pulled my old car out. It was full of my boxes and bags, and with the old engine, the journey back to Jax's would be a stretch, but it was better than nothing.

My feet crossed the lawn again, and I spotted some of Fang's toys scattered around. It brought a smile to my face momentarily before my heart fell. I would miss him so much.

Climbing the steps to the entrance, I looked at the door but was forced to pause. I had left it wide open since I knew I'd be right back. Now, though, it was almost closed.

Curiosity piqued, but I didn't stop moving. My boxes were heavy, and I was sure I had hit the door on my way out.

My steps were sluggish as I entered Luke and my's room, but I managed. The last box in my arms was held with a weak grip, but I tried to make my exit quick.

Just as I shut the door to our bedroom, a subtle, swift movement in the house froze me. My hand slipped from the door handle as my ears rang with the sound.

A creak from the front door. It was light and possibly accidental, but given the last occurrence, I didn't dare dismiss it as such.

From my vantage point, I could see a bit of the kitchen, but I would need to move forward to get a view of the front door.

Maybe it was just Fang wanting to play hide and seek; Luke had taught him how years ago. I just needed to check, first.

As I began to take those steps, they were stopped, but not by me.

It happened so quickly that I didn't truly realize the consequence until I saw...

No.

That was the thing.

I couldn't see.

The lights were off.

Not a glimmer of light was allowed in the house. The television was off, the blinds were closed, and so was the front door.

And now, the darkness was here to stay, inviting me to accompany it.

I knew for a fact that Luke, despite everything, wouldn't do something like this, not even as a joke. Even when we were enemies, he had never teased me about my fear of the dark. That hadn't changed.

The realization washed over me like a predatory wave. My head turned as slowly as my heart. Not out of fear of the dark, because it no longer held the same grip on me, but because of the deep, sick laugh that belonged only to the man who had given "monsters in the dark" a new meaning for me long before I even knew what monsters truly were.

"I must say, Maggie..." I heard the voice of the devil taunt in the voice that had been buried inside of my head for the past fucking decade. "As delayed as our daddy-daughter reunion has been, I'm real happy to see you, again, sugar."

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PLOT TWISTTT ; LMAO, if you read IASWAD you knew better than to trust me. 💀