"You're everywhere except right here and it hurts." — Rupi Kaur, 'The Sun and Her Flowers'

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Chapter 57
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Luke

My gaze snapped up from my phone as my mother shifted.

A small sigh passed her lips as she twisted and turned until she was comfortable. I couldn't understand how she found it with those rough hospital beds, but when you had no other choice, I guessed you accepted whatever you could.

I couldn't use that same logic with myself, though. I didn't want to.

I had fucked up a lot in my life. I'd said the wrong things, been the wrong things, and had never in my fucking life felt an ounce of regret like this.

This one, though. It was different. Seeing that betrayal in Maggie's' eyes had hit me so hard, I didn't think it possible to ever recover. My lungs were still strained from the moment she left, because when she did, I think she may have took my will to breathe with her.

Being alone wasn't a stranger to me. It was one of the most common things in my nineteen years of life, honestly. I was fine with it remaining that way, as well.

But, that was before I realized what I was missing.

Maggie.

Fuck me. I missed her more than I thought possible.

I missed every single thing that I could. The things that she loved, or didn't love, I missed those, too. I missed all of her.

But, I fucked it up.

I fucked it up so bad that if I weren't thinking about how badly I missed her, then I was thinking about that. And, if I wasn't thinking about that, then I was thinking about what I could have done to prevent it.

I could have told her. I should have told her. But, I knew how it looked. I knew that if she found out, especially after how badly she doubted my loyalty, and how she was about trust...fuck.

I didn't think that Preston would bring the file. I hadn't thought of it, because I was solely focused on getting the websites down more than anything else.

When I had him get a job done, though, he usually sent a small confirmation of the order, just so his clients would know that he didn't bullshit them.

I paid him ten-thousand dollars to erase it all. Since the payment was so much, and the order was so big, I guess he wanted to make sure that I had proof, and that I knew he'd gotten rid of everything. I'd been so entrapped with Maggie, and with keeping her safe that I hadn't thought about it this entire time.

I didn't give two shits about the money, honestly. I would have paid anything had he asked it. I knew it wasn't much, but I wanted to give Maggie a bit of her privacy back.

As angry as I was at him for giving it to her, I knew that it wasn't rightfully placed on him and him alone. It all originated to me, and how I had hid my knowledge of her past.

Fuck. I wanted to kick my own ass for how badly I handled it. Handled her. Us.

The amount of times that I could have told her were one of the things that fucked with me. I could have sat her down, and told her. I could have told her that day at the shack. I could have done something.

But, I didn't. And, it had cost me everything.

I knew how badly it looked. I knew how badly it would have looked had I brought it up. And, I knew how fast she would have ran from me if I did.

The last thing that I wanted her to think was that I already knew the contents of her past before I called in the information on her.

If I would have known, despite my anger at the time, I would have called it off. Without a doubt, I would have. I would have done anything to stop from seeing that hurt and shame in her eyes.

That was the one of the parts that fucked with me the most. Seeing her so afraid, so skeptical, and aghast when I tried to touch her.

As badly as it punctured my soul, it wasn't about me, or my feelings. All that mattered to me was hers, and proving to her that I, nor would anyone else, ever hurt her like that, again.

When she tried to move away from me and my touches, I knew that her mind had reverted back to everything that had taught her pain in the first place. It made me sick to my stomach that my betrayal had put her back in that headspace.

I never wanted her to think there was malevolence behind it all, but I ended up doing just that. Seeing that, as well as the hurt and fear on my pretty angel's face had been one of the worsts feelings I'd ever experienced in my life.

I didn't want her to be disgusted by me or my actions, but to know that she was thinking it about herself? I'd never felt so feeble until I heard her mark herself by those things, tonight.

Hearing her label herself as anything but impeccable was the shit to my heart that nearly had it ripping in half.

I didn't think any differently about her. The only thing that had changed ever since I found out was how I handled her, and her safety.

I read up on other victims, and their triggers, and compared them to what I knew about my Maggie, personally. I didn't want to say anything that could hurt her, which I had a tendency of doing most of my life. With her though, I knew I'd rather take a blade down the throat than let it cough up something that could hurt her.

I asked questions about her, and tried to get her consent and her feelings on things that might have seemed small to others, but big to her. I didn't want to make her feel pressured or forced about a single thing with me. In bed, I spent extra time just admiring her and watching her for any signs of tribulation, or anything like that. Especially when we first slept together.

Obviously, I wasn't terrified of sleeping with her, but more of scaring her or having her feel pressured or coerced about it. I didn't care how deep we were in, or even if I were right on the edge of coming, it would only take one twitch in her face, one word or push, and it would be off. I didn't give a fuck about anything else unless it was her, and her comfort.

Even afterwards, that same feeling of elatedness remained. I always loved to hold her to me, just to sink in the feeling of appreciation of her trusting me with herself. The sex was perfect on its own, but that wasn't it, alone. Maggie wasn't just a body to me, and I never wanted her to think that she was.

It was the simple things. Just cooking the girl her favorite breakfast to get one of her smiles so early in the morning was one of the times I found myself happiest. Any time with her, really.

The only major difference that I had made upon finding out about her father, was me moving her in with me. Anything before, during, or after that, was real. It was so fucking real.

My feelings were real. They, I, was for her, and only her.

I didn't know how, or what, to say to prove that. I'd never cared about anyone else enough to even try before, honestly.

But, I knew that I'd do anything to have her back. I knew that I'd do anything in and out of my power to show her that fact. Without a doubt, it was a fact.

I didn't have an ego when it came to her. There was no pride, or dignity when showing my regret. Now that I was here, I honestly didn't understand how most men did when it came to the person they cared for most in this world.

Because I did. So much that it ached.

I saw everything when I looked at her. I saw light, happiness, beauty...I saw life.

Maggie Norris gave me life.

I'd never had one before her, I didn't think. Anything before Maggie was simply nothing. Compared to her, who was my everything, anything else was nothing at all.

Kade and Levi were the ones who told me to give her space. It was ironic coming from Kade, but he said that it was best when it came to shit like this. He even threatened to shoot me again if I came by the lake house to try to talk to her, since he didn't want to upset Kimberly.

Of course, I still tried. I'd take a million bullets to the heart rather than leave her to hurt on her own. The only reason I didn't, was because Maggie asked it of me herself.

As badly as I wanted to argue, to say fuck that and pursue her this instant, I respected her feelings more than mine. As badly as I was hurting, I knew that it wasn't about me. It was about her, and how she felt. Everything would be on her time.

It was fucking killing me.

I hadn't slept for more than a couple of hours in god knows how long. It was a miracle that I could even muster that, and that was from all of the beers. I'd been sleeping in Maggie's bed ever since she left; it was the closest thing I had to my real home: her.

Kade and Levi were the ones to make sure I ate, and didn't fuck myself up too much. They even got into the habit of coming by to steal my keys when I drunk, and them threatening to beat my ass if I didn't eat the pizza they brought over. It was stupid as shit since I was a grown man, but those two were relentless in their doings.

It was funny looking back at it, now. How much I judged, laughed at, and fucked with Kade about chasing and crying about Kimberly when he broke her heart. I'd even witnessed him throw up about the girl when they got into a fight, once. Levi never let me forget all of the shit I talked when he was the one begging Raven for her forgiveness when she destroyed his car.

Now, here the hell I was.

Throwing up daily, and nearly falling into hysteria every single time I thought about Maggie. If there was a time where I understood where the fuck they were coming from, it was now.

On the side of me, I felt my phone buzz. I didn't even bother picking it up. If it wasn't her, then I didn't give a fuck.

If it was Kade and Levi, I would answer, later. They were just doing their hourly check-ins to make sure that I wasn't dead.

I knew for a fact that it wasn't any of my past hookups. The same night Maggie moved in, and I had her in my arms, I didn't hesitate in my next doings.

As soon as she was asleep, I went through my phone, and blocked and deleted every single girl that wasn't her. Pictures, contacts, every single thing that didn't have Maggie Norris attached to it was gone. I hadn't missed it since.

We hadn't even kissed at the time, but the moment I found myself changing my password to her birth date, I knew I was fucked. Then a couple of weeks later, I changed everything: the security code, my card pin, every single password I could, to her birth date. I didn't even think she caught on, but I honestly didn't care if she did. It was a fact that I was hers before she even knew it.

"What are you doing here, sweet boy of mine?"

My attention raised. My mother's brown eyes were staring back into mine, a gleam of surprise behind them.

I'd been so stuck in my head, I never even realized she was awake. I tried to offer a smile, but I was incapable of doing so ever since the girl who had managed to find it, wasn't here to see.

"I just wanted to see you," I responded, clearing my throat.

Her head bobbed in a light manner. "Well, I always love seeing you, honey." I tried again for a smile, but all I mustered was a sigh. Her lips fell into a frown at me. "Is everything okay?"

My thumb traced over the beads on my bracelet, a glare set on them. "Yeah, why do you ask?"

My mother and I never had enough time for anything like this. Half of the time, she was sleeping, or having an episode from the cancer. Other times were moments before she actually did fall asleep.

When I was young, I used to imagine her being the one person to love me unconditionally, to actually want me here. I knew it was fake, and would never come to reality, but the thought was the only one that used to sustain me as a kid.

She was a nice woman, though. That was how I looked at her, because I didn't know enough to claim her as anything else. I knew that she was my birth mother, and I cared for her, but that was it. I wished there was more, that there was a chance of having more.

But, there wasn't. This was my only idea of parental care, and I never wanted to lose it, despite how diminutive it was. It was better than anything else I ever had.

My mom's lips thinned shut as she looked to me. "Because it's a Friday evening, and you aren't out with..." she paused to think over it. "Kade and Levi, wasn't it? Such sweet, handsome, young men." I nearly chuckled at that.

They never even met her face to face. Kade and Levi wanted to, but I never introduced them, formally, just over video call. My mom had no idea about their, or our, other lives, and I was fine with that.

I scooted up in my chair. "They were busy tonight." It wasn't exactly a lie, or a truth.

Her brows scrunched tight, like they usually did when she was thinking something simple over with the hardest concentration. "Mhm," she hummed. "What about that pretty young woman of yours? Maggie Norris, yes?"

My heart tightened in my chest at her name. Funny how she remembered that one more than anything else. Just like me.

I blinked out of it once I felt my mothers' waiting eyes. Pushing back the lump in my throat, I spoke past it, "She's busy, too."

Past her thin cheekbones, a knowing smile that nearly broke my façade in half followed. "Are you sure?"

Shit. Was this how mothers were? Knowing the very things that their child swore up and down they didn't?

I nodded to ease her curiosity. "I'm sure."

Her expression told me that she knew I was spewing bullshit. I kept my own locked, and neutral, despite it being the hardest task alive right now.

Finally, she let out a light sigh. Her arm stretched out in my direction. Slowly, I returned the favor, not stopping until she had my hand in hers.

The gleam in her eyes lit at me as she squeezed down. "My sweet, sweet boy," she sighed out, a smile growing. "There's not enough love in the world to ever compare to how much I have for you."

I'd heard this before. When I was younger, it was the thing that used to make me feel better when I'd visit. It was something she always said before sleep overtook her.

"Thanks, mom," I replied, anyway, squeezing her hand.

I thought she'd nod off by now, as she usually did. But, instead, she continued on.

"I wish that things could have been different," she whispered out, her thin finger stroking over the back of my hand. "I wish that I, we, could have been different. I wish that I'd been the one to show you all the positivity of life. Yet, you still managed to do so."

My eyes flickered up to her. A part of me wanted to correct her, to tell her that the sweet, nice boy she labeled me as was the exact opposite, but I refrained.

"But, you turned out so spectacular. You did that all on your own." her voice cracked over the simple statements. Pressing her lips together, she moved her gaze to the ceiling with a tearful sigh. "And you know...you have to know that your father will never take that fact from you, Luke. He won't take my love, or my pride of calling you my son, either. As much as he's already taken, as much as he tried to take, that'll be the thing that he'll never get close in having." Her hand lifted to graze my jaw, a soft awe in her face. "You'll remember that, won't you?"

A breathless sigh was caught in my throat. I'd never heard her, or anyone, claim that of me, before. It was...strange. A good strange, though, I think.

She knew how much of a monster my father was, since she was a witness of it herself. Even though I wasn't even with her, she had been thinking about me and my future all along.

When I was old enough, my mother told me that there was an account that she had built up for me over time. It was mine to do with as I pleased the moment I turned eighteen. I'd already saved more than enough money from the cages, but my mother wouldn't take no for an answer. She made me promise to use it.

So, I put some of it into the building. I didn't know how long my mother had left, so l wanted to have at least some type of piece of her when she did pass. That building would be it.

"I'll remember," I responded, clearing my throat to get the words out without issue. I hadn't realized how heavy her confession was on me until now. "I promise."

All I caught was her smile, and the flutter of her eyes before they finally shut. When her chest began to rise and fall into a regular rhythm, I knew that she was asleep.

I watched over her for a couple of more minutes. I didn't want to go home, since Maggie wouldn't be there, but I didn't want to stay here, either. The more quiet it was, the more my mind drifted.

My phone buzzed, again.

A part of me was tempted to let it go unchecked, like it had all day. But, I might as well get it over with. It could be a little bit of a distraction from my fucked load of a mind.

The only time I used it now was to check if Maggie responded to my messages, or to check her location. She hadn't turned her tracker back on until tonight. Even though I knew she was with Kade and Levi, I still wanted to make absolute sure that she was safe.

With a sigh, I yanked it from my pocket with much more force than necessary. It was still buzzing when I finally got it out.

As soon as I tapped at the screen, my frown deepened.

Kade and Levi had called and texted so many times, that it was the only thing that covered the screen. They'd been persistent with checking on me, but never this persistent. Which meant that something had to be wrong.

My body stilled at that.

The only wrong that I could think of was...

Maggie.

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Hi!🤍

I hoped you all liked the last two updates! I will be back with the next one Wednesday, and it's gonna hurt. 🫠

(If you celebrate, have a happy Easter💕) & I will see you Wednesday!🤍