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"The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection."— Thomas Paine
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Chapter 38|Part 3
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I lowered the sunglasses over my eyes as the light began to blind me. My headache worsened, stomach twisting in both hangover blues, and nerves.

"Be polite, Kimberly," dad mumbled as he rearranged his suit. "Susie is a respected friend of mine, and none of us will disrespect her home."

I blinked at him several times. How in the hell did he know Susie? Then again, Susie did somehow have my fathers' number. I swear, everyone knew something I didn't and never decided to bring me to the mix. But, I decided to ask him about it once we got home. My mind could only handle so much right now.

I rubbed at my eyes, groaning as I felt the pounding set in every possible cresses of my head. "I'm always polite, dad."

"Mhm, is my tie alright?" he turned toward Teresa.

I struggled to disguise my eye roll. "Let's just get this over with, now."

I bit my lip as my eyes roamed over Kade's car. It was far from the others, distinct memories of our relationship lingering right with it. I blinked past the tears multiple times, lips parting to release a shaky patch of air.

I didn't want to see him, or be in any close proximity of his house. I knew that this get-together would be one of many awkward moments of the remaining year.

I had heard, and read many times that a hangover was one of the worst natural disasters a person could face. And, I found out that this was one of the most truthful things.

When I woke up, it felt like I was on the verge of death. For a moment, I thought that my head was smashed to pieces by a sledgehammer. With a dry throat, and a pair of queasy twists in my stomach, I suffered my first hangover. I didn't even want to think of what Raven and Maggie were going through; I knew Jax was celebrating being the responsible one last night.

I glued my feet into the ground as the front door of the house opened. My hands grew sweaty at the sight of Mrs. Ryder, who grinned right back at us.

I couldn't even find a valuable reason to why she invited us. Perhaps it was out of kindness, or of sympathy for her sons and I's broken relationship.

"Come in, come in!" I grimaced slightly at the pressure her hand held against my back, and her voice that sounded much louder than I liked.

The house was decorated with elegant ties, and drapes. I bit my lip at the sound of mixed voices in the kitchen. I couldn't help, but wonder if Kade was involved in the mix.

I hadn't even seen her grab my father, but they were in a tight hug. "It smells delicious, Susie," he hugged her back. "Thank you for inviting us."

Susie's face was warm, but that wasn't it. Her expression looked as if she were talking to a best friend. "Jackson, it's the least I could do, really. Goodness, I haven't seen you in forever. How has the move been?"

My dad held her by her forearms, smiling sweetly at her. "It's been just fine. Thank you for recommending the town and making it all so easy to adjust for us; the children and I have loved it," he responded.

Ha, I thought. Speak for your own damn self.

I froze. Susie had something to do with our move? So, they'd known each other before we got here, I just couldn't connect how. But, Kade had reminded me that we were connected so perhaps they were as well.

They all continued to talk while I attempted to rush time. It was a failing act so far. My head began to spin as we moved to the loud kitchen. 

The room was crowded, even though it was one of the largest spaces here. It took everyone a second to notice our presence, but when they did, I suddenly felt tiny in the formal attire I wore.

Susie's sister, who I remembered as Shannon, smiled as she saw us. "Well, why are you guys just standing there?"

My dad smiled at her, before turning towards a smiling Teresa. "Ready, dear?"

I bit back a snarky remark as she nodded. Just as a treacherous thought passed, another pounding to the head mentally broke me down. As quickly as possible, I stumbled to a vacant chair.

The table was full of different pastries and treats. My face almost fell smack into an arm as it placed my plate down. I looked up to thank the person, then realized I recognized them as a stranger.

He was an African-American man, caramel-skinned, with dreads done in a bun behind his head. His light-browned eyes were warm, and his smile was so contagious, I found one growing on my lips.

His eyes crinkled with a kind smile. "Nice to meet you," he said to me, offering a hand out.

Slowly, I placed my hand in his. "You too..." I trailed off my sentence for the stranger's name.

"Louise, and what is yours?" I added his name to my head mentally, before answering him, "Kimberly."

"Oh, I'm sorry, how rude of me!" Susie appeared, smiling at us both before placing a hand on Louise's back. "Kimberly, this is my business partner, who I also title as one of my close friends."

"After all these years?" Louise made a silly expression, side-glancing Susie. "Come on, Su, at least give me a 'best friend' title."

"Oh," Susie chuckled, her face flushing under his gaze, which looked magically drawn to her. "We'll see of an upgrade if our next deal goes through successfully."

"I'll hold you to it."

I nodded, biting back a knowing smile. By the close contact, the slight glances the two shared with one another, and the invisible string of attraction, I knew that they were more than they let on. Far more.

I was happy for Susie though, in all honesty. It seemed that she couldn't catch a break in life, and now things were slightly turning around for her in the relationship department. I could only hope it would turn out the same way with her son.

Speaking of him, he was nowhere to be found. In a way, I knew that this was beneficial to me, but damn it if my heart didn't say otherwise.

"Where's your boy, Susie?" a man of very dark baby-blues, and a rounded gut asked. I recognized him from their last get together, but I never spoke to him directly.

Susie frowned, with a sigh to follow. "He should be down in a minute, you know how he is." I didn't miss the side-glance her and his aunt—who I remembered as Caylee—shared.

Time stretched on painfully slowly. Through this time, I mentally made check of who was who.

I had already met his aunts, one of his uncles, and one of his cousins. But, the rest of the people in here were strangers.

One person in particular that caught my attention was the elderly lady who resembled Kade in many ways.

She spoke with a fierce tone, her words confident and nonapologetic. Her long black hair hung in a loose bun, strands grazing the sides of her slightly pale face. If she didn't limp in her steps, it would take someone quite a well to take a guess at her age.

"Someone get that damn boy downstairs!" she shouted at no one in particular.

She stalked over to the staircase, one hand gripping the wood. "Kade Ryder, you get your hard-headed ass down here right now! In my day, you would be on a—" her words halted as a door opened from the top of the stairs.

Fuck.

My entire being froze to the point of a statue at the sound of footsteps. Even through the uproar of the room, I still managed to hear my frantic heart's cry for help.

"Nice to see you too, Grandma Jacky." I felt my stomach plummet, along with my heart at his voice.

If it weren't for the influence of alcohol last night, there was no way I would have stood a chance against Kade. But, now, here I was. Sober as could be, and as jittery and nervous as I suspected I would be.

"Oh, shut your trap, and give me a hug," my heart warmed slightly at the sight of his grandmother hugging him.

As I always did, I stared far too long. His eyes raised, our contact soon visible. And, just like that, I was lost. I couldn't be found in the depth of emotions he continued to hold against me. For a moment, in our moment...I had trouble shielding the emotion my heart struggled to contain.

Look away! I scolded myself without success.

"What's going on—" I had no trouble breaking our contact at the sound of another girls' voice.

Just like that, it was over.

The same redhead from the party entered the room, and suddenly, the talk in the room was quiet. Even if I were hallucinating, I was almost positive that their eyes were now on me.

Kade ripped his gaze away from mine, to glare at her. "Jessie, I told you to leave already."

Her head jerked up to him, eyes narrowing. "It's Becky."

I ignored Kade's side glance, my eyes glued to the floor. Hurt was not the word. I cursed at myself for being such a hypocrite, though. Last night I was with another guy; did I really have a right to be jealous? We weren't together; I didn't have any type of hold around him.

Beckys' eyes roamed over me, before the realization set. "Hey! You were that chick from last night!"

I nodded slowly. "Yep, that's me," I refused to break my composure.

Kade's expression grew blank as his hand wrapped around Becky's arm. "Okay, it's time to go—"

"You know I didn't really peg you as a party chick. But, you and those other two chicks were throwing ass all night, and holy shit, you downed those shots like they were your job—"

My skin flushed red at her. "Get the fuck out of my house," Kade growled at her as he realized my father was right next to me.

It was a great thing that Ryland had to work. I knew that this would have been much worse if he had attended.

Slowly,, I glanced at my father from the corner of my eye. I could see the disappointment from miles away, and so could everyone else in the house. I expected him to come at me head on, but he didn't.

"Son," I knew that my dad was speaking to Kade, who looked at him immediately.

"I need you to give me an honest answer here. I know you and Kimberly have a close relationship, but—"

"We don't," I cut him off, blushing as my words set in.

Kades', as well as everyone elses' eyes, focused on me.

"Sorry," I mumbled, cheeks plump and ripe with the richest of colors.

I shrunk at the warning my dads' gaze held. "Were you at the party last night?"

Kade nodded, arms poked out against his chest. He was as cool as a damn pickle, as if he weren't about to ruin my life.

My dad stepped closer, nodding at him. "But, I need you to tell me if you saw my daughter touch any type of alcohol last night.

This is it, I told myself. I'm a goner.

I wanted to rip my hair out at the realization. It has been my fault for drinking, but was it really? My dad told me, made me go to the party. What did he expect his teenage daughter to do at a high school party? Sit and play damned musical chairs?

I knew that Kade hated me. I knew that he would try his hardest to make my life hell. This was just an open opportunity to ruin me even more.

Kade didn't make eye contact with me. Instead, he stared right back into my fathers' eyes. I stared at him as if he would look at me, and see my plea. To a stranger, I probably looked like a crazy person. Eyes wide, hands clenched, legs jumpy, and heart long gone.

"I was at the party, but I didn't see her touch any alcohol, or anything else. I made sure of it. All she had was soda or just plain juice," Kade lied to my dad, his composure up and strong. "Becky was the one who mixed her drugs with gin. She probably mistook Kimberly for herself or her friends, sir."

If possible, Becky's face matched her hair as she glared at Kade. "What?! You are such a—"

"Asshole, yeah I know. Now, leave," Kade demanded.

He held no patience, or concern for her being. As odd as it was, his distaste toward her calmed the roaring anger in my stomach.

"Well, alright," Kade shrugged, tugging Becky by her arm before she wretched it back and left with a grumbled curse.

My eyes squeezed shut as I heard the front door shut. I expected him to follow her, but instead, my eyes opened at the sight of his presence in front of me. I wanted to thank him, but we both knew our stubborn attitudes wouldn't allow it.

"I have trouble believing you, in no disrespect," Teresa said, eyes cascading between Kade and I.

Kade raised an eyebrow, jerking around to her. "And?" he asked her.

Teresa blinked, red lips stretched in a smile. "I'm Kimberly's stepmother."

"Uh, am I supposed to care?" Kade asked pointedly at the same time that I said, "The hell you are," I snorted as the words relentlessly left my lips.

I didn't realize I had said the insult out loud. The words were supposed to only pass through my head without an afterstory, but instead, they were out in the open.

Everyone turned toward me, their shock visible. Kade was the only one with the usual blank expression, despite the slight smirk of his lips. Even through it all, I heard his chuckle loud and clear.

I had to blink multiple times as he sat in the vacant seat in front of me. "I see why you don't like her, now, sweetheart." I glared at him, cheeks shaded by my embarrassment.

"Okay, um...well, I just wanted to apologize to everyone for the early dinner, but I knew you'd all be too busy on Thanksgiving day, so here we are," Susie finally cut in, bypassing the tight emotion the large room held. "Shall we go ahead and go around the table to share what we are thankful for?"

Everyone lowered their heads, including myself. My dad gripped my hand, as did the same little girl from the last reunion, who I remembered as Willow. She offered a toothless smile, before shutting her eyes at her mother's scolding.

Grandma Jacky was the first at the table to say what she was thankful of. "I am glad to see this beautiful day, with my beautiful family, and this beautiful ham and roast in front of me."

Someone began their line, before the relentless woman cut them off. "I'm not done yet, you imbecile."

I peeked at her to see her eyes already open, and on me. I blushed, before lowering my head again.

"I am thankful to watch the relationship Kade has with that brunette young lady over there, too," she said, a chuckle following.

I heard the chuckles around the table, while I continued to darken in tone.

Willow spoke from next to me, her little hand tightening around mine. "I am thankful for Miss K-Kimberly, and the mashed potatoes, and the yummy ass j-jello." My eyes popped open to see her grinning at Grandma Jacky.

"Willow!" her mother scolded, glaring down at her. "Lose that word from your dictionary, young lady. Immediately."

Willow frowned, bouncing between her mother and grandma Jacky. "But, it's o-okay when it comes to food, r-right, granny?"

Grandma Jacky grinned, pointing at her. "You bet your ass that's right, baby!" She slid a twenty-dollar bill to the girl, who took it with a beaming grin. Her mother scolded her, but before we all shut our eyes again, I saw her chuckle.

I peeked as Willow's little eyes shut again. Her smile was quite adorable, the space in between her two front teeth adding onto her cute appearance.

"Your turn," she whispered to me, eyes still shut.

I felt someones' eyes weighing me down like an anchor, and I had a strong guess on who it was. When I looked up from my plate, my guess was right on point.

His head was down, but those brown eyes were up. My fingers clenched at the insides of my closed fists as I struggled to stay upright. Everyone else's eyes were shut, except his and my own.

"I'm grateful for..." I trailed off as his eyes roamed over my face, halting at my lips. "For-for my father's health, and my..." I couldn't continue.

Our connection was always cut short in moments like these, it seemed. But, they always returned. Exactly like my feelings for him. I couldn't shake them off like a mosquito. If I did, it would not only hurt him, but me as well.

We were on the thinnest of ice. It seemed that every time we made any contact, physical or emotional, we only grew closer to the fire. And, I didn't think the icy hatred we held for one another could stand up for very long by the fire we both burned for the other.

"You're supposed to have your eyes closed, dear," Teresa interrupted with a whisper.

"So, why are yours' open?" Kade spat at her, eyebrow risen in accusation.

I couldn't hide the small smile his words caused. But, Teresa soon ruined it.

"I'm an adult," Teresa argued, eyes almost bulged out. "Watch your mouth."

Kade's head tilted back, a demonic-like laugh following up. "Right, because that's a valid response to everything."

"Kade! That is enough, stop this!" Susie snapped, red in the face.

Kade crossed his arms, kicking off the table so that he was rocking back and forth in the chair. "You know I would have some respect for you if you didn't try to be the picture perfect mother," he made emphasis on his words with a wave of his hands.

His words were directed toward Teresa, though I knew they were shot at his mother as well.

My dad stepped into the conversation. "Son, I think that's enough."

"I agree," Susie said, glaring at her son.

Teresa was far from done, though. Her wild-like eyes fell on me, anger oozing from her makeup clouded pores.

"How in the world could you possibly let your boyfriend speak to your stepmother like that?" her accusations brought on a rage inside of me.

I blamed it on my withheld anger. But, when I stood up, hands slammed on the tabletop, I knew that this was the me no one had ever seen, besides Kade.

"Me? Who in their right mind would stand up for a woman like you, Teresa? Just because you decided to insert yourself into my family doesn't mean that I have to treat you like you're my mother, in any way! And, you're barely even a actual mother yourself! Do you really expect someone to make you a damned Mother's Day card just because you've been off of your drugs for a month?!" My words would be compared to a lion's growl to an outsider. I couldn't help it though. This woman expected too much, as if she were entitled to something we weren't.

I turned toward the red woman, my wrath still ongoing. It spurred past any type of respect once I saw her lips part. "And, you wanna know something else? Fuck. You." I knew I sounded quite disrespectful to the others' but Teresa and I knew what I was talking about. The insults, the snide comments, the mistreatment...she could take it all and shove it up her ass.

Everyone, including Teresa, were silent in complete shock. My chest heaved up and down in a rapid pace as the anger raced through my veins in an untamed rage.

"Well...this was a total shitshow," Grandma Jacky muttered, though she was still heard through the silence.

"You know...I'm always asked 'Oh, why don't you go out anymore, Grandma Jacky?' Or 'You're too young to stay in the house all of the time' and you want to know the why? THIS IS THE ANSWER! We're all nuts," The elderly woman laughed at her own joke, while chewing on a piece of turkey.

"A-awkward," Willow whispered to the imaginary space next to her.

"Willow!" Caylee scolded her.

Suddenly, I realized the truth. I had ruined their get together with my own shit. It was like a revile of the past. My legs struggled to support me up as the people in the room became blurry figures in my eyes.

"I-I need some air," I said, my tears blinding my vision. "I'm sorry." I averted my gaze to the tile as I stood.

I hurried and shut the door behind me, attempting to find a vacant spot. Between the tears, and my embarrassment, I managed to find a spot alone on either side of the house, near secluded trees.

I pushed my knees up to my chest, choked back on my tears. I felt the strings loosen on my control of myself.

"Hey."

My tear stricken face became visible as I raised my head. Caylee, Susie's sister, approached me slowly.

I shrunk away as she crouched to eye level. I felt her stare me down, my embarrassment only growing.

"I'm sorry that I ruined your family's dinner," I mumbled, dropping my legs with a sigh.

Her face softened as she placed a hand on mine. "Ruined what? You didn't ruin a thing in there, Kimberly. That was nothing compared to the other reunions, honey," she reassured me.

I felt her hand cascade across the small of my back, rubbing up and down in a comforting motion. At my silence, she spoke again.

"Do you not believe me? Kade's grandmother—as you know as Grandma Jacky— once threw a bowl full of mashed potatoes and gravy on Kade's father, William, who is her son. Then, she apologized by tossing a glass of water on his head," Caylee giggled at the vivid memory she held. "Just because he got drunk and ate all of the potato pie."

Laughter bubbled in my chest, despite it all. "I'm not shocked; she seems like an interesting woman."

We twiddled around the silence before I thought of something that might just kill me. I was probably asking for too much, but it just might work.

I looked at her. "Can I...can I ask you something?"

She nodded, a smile bypassing her serious attire. "I can tell you have way more questions than one."

She wasn't wrong.

I shifted toward her, pulling my knees into my chest. "Where's Kade's father now?" I asked her.

Her head dipped, before raising again. All signs of kindness were long gone. "In a jail cell where he belongs." I couldn't quite tell if I opened up old wounds, but I could see that the question affected her about her brother-in-law.

I nodded my head, and left it at that. I didn't want to push too hard. I could tell her and Kade were the same in the department of secluded answers.

"He blames himself," she randomly said.

I looked to her in confusion. "Who?"

"Kade, he blames himself," she responded.

I frowned. "For what?"

Her brown eyes searched my expression in a close manner, before her pink lips parted to release a sigh. "Let me tell you something." I scooted over to allow her closer.

"I wish I could tell you what he blames himself for...I really do. I've been his therapist for years now but, I can't read his mind," she sighed, running a hand through her hair. "He's sick right now, Kimberly."

"Not in a psychopath way. Or, in a flu way. But, he is mentally sick." I listened closely to her words. "He has been, for a while now."

Her head tilted at me. "Tell me...has Kade ever just snapped? Or grown extremely angry at you, or someone else?" At my nod of the head, she continued, "Does he constantly blame himself, or grow saddened after the spasm of anger is over?" She was pinpointing everything in the right direction, besides the saddened part. I couldn't recall that part.

"It doesn't seem like he blames himself, but there is a war inside of him when the door closes. When he is by himself, you wouldn't believe the type of thoughts that indulge him into hatred for everyone else...especially himself."

"In our sessions, you are all he talks about. When he speaks about you, I see past the demons he tries so hard to fight...and you want to know what else I see?"

At my surprised expression, she smiled, before grasping my hands in hers. "I see the love he has for you."

I blinked at her words. Love? For me? Not Kade.

I looked down at my knees, shaking my head. "He doesn't...he can't love me. He hates me."

Caylee shook her head. "No, sweetie, he doesn't. He's telling himself he hates you, because he's been forced to for the past few years. I know of the past you two share, and as much as I would like to dive into it with you, it's not my place," she stated, patting my hand. "Did you know...I hadn't seen Kade at one of our sessions in months, but he hasn't missed a single one in the past four months. Susie told me that he's started back on his pills, as well. He hasn't admitted it to me, but now I know...he's trying to get better, for you."

My heart clenched so tightly, I confused it for a palpitation. He was trying to get better, for me. So that we could possibly be together.

"I was more than shocked when he called me up, saying that he wanted to start back to his therapy, and that he wanted extra sessions, as well," she said, a proud glint in her eyes. "I didn't ask any questions, but the moment he got there, all he could talk about was you. Your personality. Your laugh. Your smile." She paused to chuckle, nodding at me. "I kid you not, he spent at least half an hour talking about how beautiful you were. I'd never even seen the poor boy blush before I suggested that he tell you those things himself."

My mind was peeling. I stared at her, blinking and doing so, again. Kade...he said those things about me?

"You know...I practically had to fight him to make sure he didn't follow you out here. It killed him to let me go after you instead of himself. But, I knew you needed to hear this."

"And..." She reached over to grasp either of my hands. "You need to know something else, Kimberly."

"Kade...he struggles so hard to find the love or joy in anything, or anyone. Do you know how sometimes you're mad, or sad? Imagine that times infinity, and add that to years and years of a completely broken foundation. That's his life, every day. But, with you, I think that he wants to confront all of those feelings and mistakes he's made in the past, he wants to understand, for the first time in his diagnosis. But, I want you to know...that you are not at all liable to be with him."

"There's a misconception that a person must ignore their own emotions for the other just because of a mental illness, but that is not true. You still carry your own life, and your own emotions and they are just as important. But, you are not at all forced to be with them, nor should you feel you have to endure the rough road," she said. "But, if you do choose to pursue a relationship with someone with a mental illness, it is your responsibility to give and learn. To take what they offer, and give it back even harder. To research and understand each other so that you can grow together. And, in the end, you might experience something beautiful, in spite of all of the discernment about the disorder itself."

I looked down, before I felt her hand lift my face up again. "I know he'd never want me to tell you this, but my nephew has dealt with things no person should; he saw and experienced so many things that no child should. He deserves this, and he deserves you. Kade is struggling to keep you at bay so that you both don't get attached to one another. I believe that he thinks you're too good to be true for him."

"He considers himself a monster, a burden to the world and himself. Kade...he has never experienced love without it being horribly ripped from him. To go without love as a human is to go without so much. But, by the effect you two obviously have on one another, this is far from true. But, only if you decide to, you just need to prove it to him, because I don't believe anyone else can."

Caylee stood up from her spot, dusting at the ends of her dress. With a smile, she turned toward the direction of the house.

Before she turned the corner, her brown eyes made contact with mine once-more. "I need you to ask yourself something, though."

"Before you venture into a relationship with Kade, you have to ask yourself if you're willing. Are you willing to put in the tears, the pain, the patience, the time...to love a man who believes they're unlovable?" I could tell Caylee loved her nephew dearly, and that made me like her even more.

I looked back at her, though I struggled to find a answer in the moment.

Her smile grew until she finally winked at me. "Because it might be the best, or worst decision you've ever made," she finished before walking back into the house.

***

'Am I willing?'  I wrote the words in the page of my diary. 

I sighed as I realized Caylee was right. She had asked all of the questions I should have asked from the beginning. A part of me wanted to automatically give in to the tug, but then, I asked myself if Kade would be able to put in the same work as I would.

Was it true? Did Kade truly blame himself for our faults and mistakes? I struggled to find evidence in the things Caylee told me earlier.

I sighed, before staring down at the words I pasted into the diary. It felt weird to have it in my hands again, after so long. After being without it so long, I think a part of me forgot to use it, as I hadn't written in it in months now.

The pages were beginning to thin in quantity. I had used a great amount of them throughout the years, front and back. Though, I vowed to keep the last few pages blank. They wouldn't be touched until something life changing happened. That is what I told myself when I ventured to the blank pages.

I flipped past the pages, before something caught my attention. My hand grazed over the marks of the page, before I flipped again.

Words printed in red pen filled the page, though they weren't my handwriting. I flipped the remaining pages to see that they were all the same.

What in the...

Just then, it clicked. Who was the only person who had my diary?

Kade.