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"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough."—Og Mandino
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Chapter 32|part 2
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I snatched my arm away. "Kade, don't."

I could feel his eyes weighing on the top of my head, but I kept my own on the bed. "Why did you do it?"

I shrugged my shoulders, too embarrassed by my own self. I felt humiliated under his gaze, knowing that now he knew. No one had ever noticed them before.

"Can I?" his voice grew soft, so smooth and quiet that I met his eyes. His own held no judgment, just care. Slowly, his fingers crept around either wrists, bringing them to his lap.

I didn't know what he was thinking, but it was a torture to wait. The longer he stayed quiet, the more I wanted to run.

"Why did you do it?" he repeated the question from earlier, his eyes lingering around the scarred skin.

My lips parted but fell shut again. I'd never been asked that before; I'd never had to put my thoughts aloud to anyone nor did I have the intention to...before him.

"I..." my voice grew weak. "Everything just became too hard to deal with on my own, I guess. I haven't done it in years, but..."

I didn't realize I was shaking until he raised his head. Warm eyes met mine. "Does it hurt?" I shook my head. "They're a couple of weeks old. It was more of a spur in the moment thing, I guess. But, they're disgusting—"

"They're not disgusting," he cut me short. "They're not anything other than beautiful, Kimberly."

My throat closed up so tight, I had to shut my eyes. I felt my head shake. "They're not. They never have been."

"They've always been beautiful, you've always been beautiful, you've just never had anyone tell you," he said. "You shouldn't do it to yourself but either way, it's already done. There's nothing to do other than appreciate them for what they are, kiss your scars for your strength and carry on."

The burning behind my lids grew too strong. Tears began to slip out without a second thought at his words. They seemed to burn, so quick and relentless on my cheeks. My throat sealed tight at his next move.

His fingers grazed the skin, each one tracing over each and every scar. He said nothing, his expression growing softer the longer he did. And that was when I realized.

He was caressing my scars.

He raised his head, seeming to stare into my soul. "You're not alone, now," he murmured. "There's no need to do that to yourself, and I don't want you to feel like there is. I know you've felt like you're alone but you're not. I'm here; I always will be. Talk to me about anything and everything, I'll be here to listen. I promise I will."

His confession marked my very soul. For the first time, I didn't feel the scars ache, nor did I feel ashamed. It was like they began to shut for the first time in seventeen years.

A gasp hung in my throat as he raised my wrists to his lips. They brushed against the scars, each and every one until I felt my body ascend. He didn't miss a single one, still using his fingers to caress the marks before dropping them.

"You're the only..." I sucked in a breath, my fingers shaky as I unclenched them. I hadn't even realized they were shut. "No one else saw them. If they did, they never said anything. You're the only one."

Kade's head tilted, his lips growing into a frown before he let his expression still. Slowly, he pulled me closer and closer until we were mere inches apart.

"I'm glad I saw them," he said. "I want to see all versions of you, scarred, flawless, broken, happy...I want to see you." His voice shook under his confession as he ran a hand down the length of my arm. "You're beautiful in every version."

"Please don't," he murmured to me, his expression darkening. "Don't do that to yourself, sweetheart. I can't stand the thought of you hitting a—" his throat bobbed under the thought as he shut his eyes, shaking his head. "I don't care what time it is, or what's going on. If you get the urge, just talk to me. Talk to me, sweetheart, okay?"

"I won't," I replied, nodding slowly. "I promise I won't." Even before this, I had promised to myself that I wouldn't touch the blade again. If it ever got to that point again, I'd talk to my dad or Ryland. I couldn't fall that deep again. The only thing that I could do from here was try my hardest, that was all I could do.

I'd never thought of it in the way he said. To kiss my scars for what they were, because they were already there. They were already there, but they could be seen in many forms. Perhaps because I was strong, perhaps because I wasn't. There was nothing I could do to erase them, and if I dwindled on the guilt too long, they'd reopen. I couldn't let that happen; I had to keep going.

I went to swipe at the tears, but was beat to it. His rough hands released me to catch the tears before entrapping my face.

His expression was rock hard with seriousness. "You're so fucking strong, Kimberly. You know that, right?"

My lips rose into a smile. "I'm faking it, honestly."

"You're succeeding."

I shrugged, feeling the tension grow lighter. "If you think so."

Kade pursed his lips down at me, scowling. He obviously didn't like my answer. Without a word, he let his hands fall from me.

I stared in confusion as he pulled his shirt off. I caught sight of his V-line, before he walked into his bathroom. I continued to watch his weird actions, frightened slightly. Out of all of the events, this wasn't what I expected.

Moments passed before he repeated in my line of view. "Come closer," he said as he made his way back over to the bed.

I did so, taken aback as he placed a container into my hand. "What are you doing?"

"Just do what I say," he whispered, his head hanging. "Please."

His hands wrapped around my legs, pulling me closer until I was facing directly into his back. I had been so trapped with him, I hadn't noticed. Until my eyes fell.

My fingers curled around my mouth as I gasped. Long, deep scars and marks stretched across his back. Every inch was covered, all blended into a mesh of stories and tarted skin.

Kade's body was tense, and he was shaking. He was afraid to show me.

One arm stretched back, motioning toward a spot onto his back. Somehow, I pulled my eyes from the back of his head to glance to it.

"Start here," he mumbled. "Trace them."

His finger was planted on an aging bruise, with what looked like a cigarette butt. My insides grew hard at it.

"Y-you can touch it," he said. "Just go slow. Please."

Since we were right in front of his door, which held a body mirror on the back, I could see what he didn't allow. I caught his distraught stature, eyes squeezed shut and lips into a thin line. I watched for a moment longer before letting the tip of my finger graze the skin.

Kade's breath labored slightly at the contact, his stomach sucking in. I didn't rush him, staring at his hardened expression as I awaited for him to speak. 

Finally, he blew out a breath and croaked out, "My father burnt me with his cigarette butt for burning his food."

I grew rigid at his confession. Staring down at the skin, my eyes grew wet all over again. The waves of emotions came in abundance as Kade spoke.

I swiped at a tear just as he said, "Go up. Just a tiny bit."

I followed his order, biting my bottom lip to conceal a sob I watched him flinch behind his lids in the mirror. This one was a longer scar, one that looked to be jagged and old, but still painful. 

"That was the day my father kicked my ass, and cut me with his knife because I flinched when he raised his hand," Kade spoke again, his chuckle dark.

I felt sick. I worked my way up until I found the next scar, in the center of his back.

He shook his head, sighing. "The day my father's drunk ass dragged me through the park while all of the other parents just stood and fucking watched. Bastard even broke my arm."

I pulled my knees under me, pulling myself up to glance over his shoulder. "That's horrible, Kade."

His eyes opened, but he signaled for me to continue. My hands were shaky, but I managed to get to the next one.

"His friend beat me to the ground, because I forgot his buds light," he muttered, staring off into the wall. "I was seven or eight; I don't know, I've gotten my dates mixed up over time."

I paused, watching as he shifted. His eyes were now concentrated on the door, his words now settling in. Slowly, I placed a hand against his back in comfort. He jumped up so quick, yanking around to grab my hand.

I froze, impaled by my fear. I shouldn't have overstepped. He ran a hand over his face, then released me slowly, turning back around. "Shit. Don't do that."

I nodded abruptly. I stared into the mirror, noting how didn't meet my eyes as he did before.

I went to another scar, noting how this one resembled the first, a burn. My shaky hand held the position as if my life depended on it.

"December 24th," he began, slowly raising his head to glimpse at me. That was the first date he had provided. "That was the last one," he finished his words, clenching his jaw in a tight lock.

My limbs were frozen in tact as I heard him. His father had done all of this to his own son...I was going to be sick.

As I stared at his back, I squeezed my eyes tight, my hands falling from him. They reopened as my hands hit the container.

"What is this?" I asked, but didn't pick it up. I didn't think my body was functioning correctly any longer.

Kade knew what I was talking about. His hand went to grab it, taking it from my hold. "Cream. It's to get rid of the scars and calm the pain, but it's slow. Hurts like a bitch, but it's worth it. I don't want them." His head bowed, nibbling on the inside of his cheek. He couldn't meet my eyes...because he was ashamed.

Before I could even think about it, I grabbed his hands. "You're beautiful, Kade."

He still didn't look at me. "That's my line, sweetheart."

I shook my head, squeezing either hand. Slowly, I edged forward until either cheek was in my hold. "You are. Scars and all. You told me that I was strong, but you...you're a fighter, Kade. It's beautiful. You're beautiful."

It was all hitting me so hard. He had given a part of his true side to me, because he thought I'd recognize my own strength. But in that, I witnessed his. His journey, his scars, his fight. Him. I felt grateful at the fact that he had even thought about sharing the aspects of his past with me. It meant that he trusted me just as much as I did him.

"Why are you crying?" he asked slowly, fingers swiping at the tears.

I shrugged, attempting to rearrange my distraught figure. Pain for him set in my head, and my tears immediately broke past the dam.

How could someone do that to their child?

"Stop, sweetheart," he mumbled, wiping a tear away with his thumb. "Stop." He grew into a scowl as he attempted to catch each one.

I laughed softly through my tears. My hands ached to touch him, but I knew that I needed to get something off of my chest first.

Slowly, I told him about my mother's recent call. I couldn't make out the slight shift of emotions that continued to shuffle across his face.

I shut my mouth after I had gotten a little too deep into my secrets, landing right onto the night I had relapsed. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this." He had my diary for months, he knew it all. "You know most of it."

"I don't."

What? My eyes snapped up to his.

His hands released me as he sighed. "I didn't...I didn't read your diary. Not the entire thing, anyway."

My mouth fell agape at him. He didn't read the entire diary, which meant...

"Why not?" was the first thing I could get out.

He more than had the opportunity. But now that I thought of it, from what he said, he never got past the first couple of pages.

Kade shrugged his shoulders, his shoulders slumping with a sigh. "I couldn't. I..." he paused to breathe. "I made it to the twelfth page, if even that. I skimmed a couple pages, but that's it. Once I started to know you...the real you, I didn't want to finish it. I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me yourself, so I just stopped reading."

"Plus," he added with a chuckle. "Every time I did, I wanted to fly to Illinois and kick your families ass."

I didn't know what to feel from his confession. I hadn't ever thought that he wouldn't read it. I wasn't sure if I was more happy or sad of that. If he would have read it, I wouldn't have to tell him myself of all of the things that occurred in that house. But since he hasn't read it, he had his own version of me. The new me, not the one in that journal.

"Say something," he said, voice careful. His eyes danced across my face for any detectable emotion. "Please say something."

I didn't. Instead, I latched my arms around his exposed waist. As I brought him closer to my body, I felt the warmth of his own cocoon me in comfort.

"What are you—"

My lips fell onto his, causing him to slightly stumble before he fell into step. Swiftly, he pressed into me until we were on top of the mattress.

***

"Fuck," Kade hissed for the fifth time tonight as his phone continued to ring. 

I looked at him again. My frustration with the constant interruption was beginning to match his the more the phone rang.

He motioned for me to hold on, before standing and walking to his bathroom to answer. I didn't quite know why he didn't want me to hear the conversation, but I wanted to beat the curiosity.

My stomach fell at the thought of another girl. Kade did have a reputation for a reason; every girl at school made sure to comment on it whenever they saw him. I wouldn't even know how to confront it or him, if that was the case. We weren't officially together, at least I didn't think. But no one said or done the things we had to each other without there being some type of something. I just didn't know what it was.

I crept to the shut door, leaning in to to listen. It was hard to decipher since I only heard things along the words of—

"I can't..."

"Tell them I'll do it later..."

"Not right now..."

"I'm busy..."

His voice wasn't sneaky or furtive, just heavily frustrated. I figured it had something to do with what Luke told me about the cars.

Hurriedly, I returned to my same spot without sitting.I leaned back against the bed, awaiting the phone call to end. I thought of ways I could get input about his lifestyle, but my ideas were cut short as he walked out with a slam of the bathroom door.

I raised an eyebrow at his tense expression. "Kade—" I began.

"Get your things," he commanded.

My eyebrows scurried closer to one another in confusion. "W-what?"

"Kimberly—" he began to snap before squeezing his eyes shut, and opening them up again. This time, there was no frustration or agitation, just nothing. "Just come on, I'm taking you home."

His words were honeyed by a soft tone, but I had been around him enough to know that his words were only angry.

My insecurities began to kick me in the stomach. I was beyond bemired; he was just an entirely different person, but now he was...this He didn't want me here any longer, but for what reason?

Instead of arguing, I grabbed the very little things I had brung and opened his door. His family was long gone, and it was only the two of us in the house now.

The drive home was quiet, far too quiet for my liking. Usually our silence drifted through the car swiftly and smoothly, but today it hit as many bumps as he was driving over, only causing tension.

We reached my house, though I still sat in his seat. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No."

I raised an eyebrow to him as the agitation bit at me. "Then why are you acting like I did?"

"You didn't do anything, I just...fuck," he ground out, shoving a hand through his hair as he attempted to get his words together.

Fine. If he wanted to pretend, then I could do the same. "I'll just go," I mumbled, placing my hand on the door handle.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked, not looking at me.

I turned back to him, confused. "About what?"

His eyes remained shut before he sighed. "Close the door, and don't make me change my mind," he mumbled, placing a hand on the wheel.

My curiosity was leaking through the roof, so despite him and his hardened attitude, I did that. I sat back, not saying a word as he began to pull out of my driveway again.

As confused as I was, I wanted to see what he called normal. I wanted to know what the other side of his life was about, and as scary as it seemed, this looked to be the only way how.

The ride was long. I didn't know where we were headed, but it seemed to be away from town. And, that only increased my skepticism.

As the car began to pull to a stop, I glanced around me. We looked to be in a parking garage. The place was dark, but it began to brighten up as more cars spilled into the space.

My heartbeat increased as I saw the other cars begin to pull up next to us. They were new models, ones that surely didn't belong here.

I stared closely at one of the vehicles next to Kade's car. I froze as a large, muscular man turned his head to us, followed by a sick grin.

I turned back to face Kade, who was already staring at me.

Slowly, I gathered the courage to ask, "What is this place?"

Kade shook his head as he saw the steady tremble of my hands. "You wanted to see my lifestyle, sweetheart. Here we are."