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"No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief." - Faraaz Kazi

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Chapter 85
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I barely heard the soft knock on my door through my sniffles. I didn't move; I just wanted to be left alone.

Just a little bit longer, I told myself. I knew it was a lie but I would continue to use it until I couldn't any longer. 

"Kim."

I squeezed my eyes shut, tightening my grip around the blanket at my brothers' voice. He was the last person I wanted to see.

My family pieced it together after a couple of days. Every one of them attempted to talk to me, but I wouldn't allow it. I didn't want anymore bullshit; I didn't want anything.

When I would leave my room, they would attempt small talk, but there was no use. I was gone.

I felt the bed dip from under me, then a hand drop on my shoulder. I steadied my body to feign sleep, stilling my chest.

"Kimberly, I know you're awake," he mumbled.  "I'm the one who taught you that." I expected him to yank the blanket from my body as he always did. He didn't this time, though, thankfully.

"Can you at least look at me?" he requested in a softer tone. "Please?"

I could see traces of his face through the material, but I remained in my position. My silence was enough to pass as an answer.

It wasn't that I was angry with him; he didn't control Kade's actions. It was more of the shame that prevented me from engaging with him. He was right all along, and he knew it. His warnings were meaningless to my ears, and now, here I was: biting off the stick of thorns I chose to chew on.

"I guess not." I heard his heavy sigh before the weight from the bed lifted. I heard his footsteps fleeting from the bed. "I just wanted to let you know that your friends are here. They're waiting for you right now."

"Tell them to go away," I whispered. I didn't know if he heard me so I pulled the blanket low enough to look at him. All I allowed was the upper half of my face. I hadn't used my voice in so long, it felt mismatched. "Don't let them in. Please."

Ryland hesitated by the door before nodding. He placed his hand on the doorknob then paused, shifting around to face me, again. His expression was full of altruism as he turned to face me. I half-expected him to voice his accuracy, to declare his victory. But he didn't.

He sighed, running a hand through unkept blonde strands, before edging toward the bed, again. His large hand came down to my shoulder, gently squeezing.

"I didn't want to be right about it, Kimberly," he said softly, his finger swiping at a stray tear along my cheek. My body trembled in retaliation as he leaned forward to place a kiss to the side of my head. I heard him sigh. "When it left you like this, I would have gladly been wrong. I swear I would have."

I clenched my eyes shut as the tears threatened to spill. His words only struck at the pressure in my chest. I heard the door softly click after him.

I pressed my head into the damp pillow, tightening the weighted blanket around me. I chased the escape of sleep more than anything else right now.

I didn't even know what time it was, but I figured it was sometime during the afternoon. I'd already taken a sleeping pill, but after a couple of days, it didn't have the same impact as before.

"I told you—" I heard Ryland arguing before it was overtaken by the thunder of footsteps. "Wait!"

My eyes jumped toward my door as it was shoved open from the other side. They widened at the sight.

Raven was standing in my doorway. Her lips were drawn into a scowl.

I resembled a deer caught in headlights as Jax and Maggie piled in right behind her, matching scowls on. Ryland was close behind, but seconds before he could reach them, Raven slammed, then locked the door behind her.

All three stared at me with expressions full of concern.

I didn't want it; I didn't want anything from anyone, ever again. It was too risky, and always, always a losing game.

But Raven marched forward, her expression set with determination. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't for her to yank the blanket from my grasp.

The wind stung my skin first. I yanked it right back. "What are you doing, Raven?"

"Get the hell up," she demanded, glaring down at me as she snatched the blanket, again.

"No." I returned the glare between the three. "I don't know what you guys are doing here, but please...I don't want—"

She placed her hands on her hips, lips in a tight line. "What? You don't want to heal? You don't want to go on with your beautiful fucking future? You want to sit in bed and wallow in your self-pity for that asshole forever?"

I groaned as the pitch in her voice rose. After hearing nothing but the constant storm in my head for the past two weeks, I couldn't handle too much.

I yanked my blanket back from her grasp, fully covering my body as I shut my eyes. They would leave on their own. I cursed her very existence as it was yanked from me, again.

Except, I realized that this time, it was Maggie who had it.

Jax stood by her side, his arms crossed as he nodded at me. "She's right. We know what you're doing, and we won't let you. You're trying to push us away because of him."

Maggie tossed the blanket to another corner of the room, far out of my reach. Her green eyes followed up to me. "And, we're not having it. We're not leaving, and we're not letting you lose yourself for that motherfucker either."

There was nothing to lose, I wanted to shout at them. Everything was already gone, already shredded to pieces. They were wasting their time.

"I'm not pushing you guys away, okay?" I muttered, drawing my knees up to my chest. "I didn't want to bother you."

But, I was. It was specifically from my mother's influence. Leave and hurt them before they get to do it to you was what I heard over years. That rule had rolled around in my head for the past couple of weeks, and it hadn't made the most sense until lately.

The three of them had continued their calls and texts the entire time. I never picked up during any of it. I didn't want to annoy them with my problems, my cries or complaints, nor did I want to admit the real storm going on inside of me. It was too hectic to think about for too along, let alone speak about. They had better things to do than sit here and try to help with something that couldn't be fixed.

Ever since I was a little girl, I nurtured myself. I licked and stitched my own wounds. I didn't know how to let someone else help me in that way until Kade. I was always my own carrier, and as much as I loved my friends, I didn't want to bring them down with me. That was what I did: bring people down. They didn't deserve it.

Raven's gaze softened. I guessed my own was shattering because she swept a warm thumb along my cheek.

She sat down, forcing me to face her. "Friends are there for each other, Kimberly," she said softly. "In every way possible. We love you and we only want to see you get better. You're way too fucking amazing to give up here. I know you may not see that right now, but we'll be here. No matter what. And we won't go anywhere else unless it's by your side."

Maggie stepped forward to grasp my hand. She squeezed, nodding at me and offering a smile that warmed my spirit. Jax took a seat on the other side of me, his arm going to my shoulders as he squeezed, propping his head against mine.

He grabbed the hand Maggie didn't have, gently squeezing it. "You're not getting rid of us, okay?" Maggie nodded, her voice more softer than I'd ever heard it, "We're here; we'll always be here."

Raven kissed my head, her arms instantly going around me too. I gravitated toward her hug, inhaling a tight patch of air that seemed to strain me more than anything.

"I know it's only been a couple weeks, but I couldn't stand to sit by and do nothing any longer. I know you love him, I do," she whispered as she pulled back, her thumb swiping at a tear on my cheek. "But, eventually, you're going to have to keep going. You can't stop your life for him, or for anyone. I won't let you."

My head bobbed as she pulled me in, again. My tears smothered against the fabric of her expensive sweater, but she didn't seem to mind. If anything, she held me tighter.

"You're our sister, Kimberly," I heard Maggie say from my side. "We're all a family, and we don't leave each other behind. We'll be here through the tears, the laughs, the anger, everything. It doesn't matter if you push us away, or what you're going through, we'll still be in the same spot."

I shut my eyes as her words seeped into my doubts. It meant a lot from all of them, but Maggie didn't do deep emotions. She didn't do pep-ups, or fake enthusiasm. So right now, her words were weighing on me heavy.

Raven leaned away again, her gray eyes piercing through my own. Jax stroked my arm comfortably as he smiled at me. They were here for me, without asking for anything in return except my honesty.

I carefully considered everything they said. As hard as it would be, the logical side of me knew how right they were. The first step to healing was to start. I hadn't even thought of starting yet, but I could try. I had to go on with life, with or without Kade. It was my life for a reason.

As much as his name caused my heart to drop, I tried to push past it. I would have to learn to if I wanted to get better. There was nothing I could do to change what had happened. All I could do was focus on what would happen, and if I failed at that, then I had three amazing friends to turn to.

I had them, and I wouldn't let them go. I couldn't hurt or leave them, because they didn't deserve it. They were here out of pure love and concern, and I needed to appreciate that. Their sincerity was with me every step of the way.

I squeezed Jax's hand, my lips shifting into an unfamiliar smile. It hurt to hold up. "Thank you guys for coming."

"Don't thank us," Raven dismissed, smiling back at me.

"No, I mean it," I sniffled as I glanced between the three. "I couldn't do any of it without you."

Maggie shrugged, a proud glint in her eye. "You absolutely could, it would just suck. Who could enjoy life without me?"

"Me," Jax snorted, thumping her foot with his own.

Raven rolled her eyes at the twins, though it earned a small laugh from me. Their bickering was familiar, and it was a comforting sight. I didn't know how badly I needed comfort until now.

"If it makes you feel better," Raven started with a chuckle. She crossed her legs on my bed then brought my hands over to her lap. "Maggie socked him."

"What?" I exclaimed, glancing toward Maggie.

She shrugged her shoulders as she kicked at the carpet. "I may have backhanded him." Jax chuckled, shaking his head at her.

Raven gaped at her. "Backhanded?"

"Just a small tap."

"Right." She turned toward me with a laugh. "When we went to get your things, he opened the door to give it to us, and Maggie got him in the nose. And, you know how hard that girl's right hook is. You should have seen it; there was blood everywhere." She fell back on my bed in a fit of laughter. Her shoulders lifted into a shrug. "But he wasn't even mad about it. Not at all. Said he deserved it, then left."

"That's because he did," Maggie grunted with an eye roll.

I nibbled on my bottom lip to resist from asking questions. I wanted to ask about him, but I couldn't do it. I knew I shouldn't.

I released a sigh to relieve the pressure in my chest. I tried to fight the beckoning pain, but it continued on. Pain was never remorseful, it was only relentless.

I didn't know Raven was embracing me until I smelled her familiar fruity scent. Her arms tightened around me as the tears spilled. "Come here, babe."

"I'm sorry," I managed to choke out, attempting to pull back. They shouldn't have to waste their time seeing this.

I felt her chin on my head, then two more sets of arms wrap around me.

"Don't apologize," Raven whispered, stroking the back of my head. I heard Jax add, "Let it out, honey."

I did, without my own permission. Instead, I allowed myself to break in their arms. All three held on.

I didn't know how long we stayed like that. None of them complained or grew tired. They were just there.

***

I ran my hands over my sweater for the umpteenth time. Eventually, I tore myself from the mirror long enough to hear my phone chime. I reached for it with a sigh.

Raven: Surrender and come out or we drag you out. Love you, beautiful.

I released a sound between a laugh and a groan. It was one of the first in weeks, so I accepted it.

Raven, Jax, and Maggie were committed, that was for sure. I had been at Raven's house more than my own this past week. It, along with all three of them provided a safe space for me.

Today, they were committed on eating dinner together. In Jax's word, 'as a family.' Instinctively, I nearly rejected but managed to push myself to say yes. As badly as I wanted to lay in bed in my despair, I continued on. I had to.

As much as their support helped, the pain hadn't gone anywhere. It was still there, just waiting for it's opportunity to shine. I only gave way to it when I was alone.

I would never admit it to Raven, but whenever Levi came by her house, I wanted to flee. I would give an excuse just so I could avoid being around him.

I had nothing against Levi, not at all, but he was a string directly attached to Kade. I loved him as a person, but I couldn't handle it.

These remaining months of school were going to test my ability, that was for sure. I planned to just try and ignore everything, except the end result: leaving. I hadn't told my friends of it yet, but I knew they'd support whatever decision I went with.

That hole was still there. It wouldn't be gone anytime soon, and I understood that painful truth. But, I'd fake it.

'Fake it till you make it' was one of Jax's many, many morning 'encouragement' texts. I planned to until I couldn't.

I slid the phone into my pocket without answering Raven. If I didn't hurry, she would surely keep to her promise.

I smoothed down my hair again, then headed closer to Pyper to check over her. She was in her own dreams, so I was good there.

I advanced toward my door, my footsteps slow and calculated as I did so. Everyone was gone, so I had a clear path to the living room.

Raven was already standing by her car, her arms crossed while she waited for me. I painted on a smile as I walked to her.

Her tough expression broke before she opened her arms for me. I fell into them, sighing past the winter chill, and the warm embrace.

"About damn time," she chuckled into my hair. "Ten more seconds, and I would have had to kidnap you."

I chuckled. "No need, trust me." I shook my head as I tried to imagine it; I didn't like the image. "Where are we headed to eat?"

Her gloves ran together, her pretty face scrunching in discomfort as the wind swept through us. "Let's get in the car first. Wouldn't want the moneymakers to fall off, would we?" She motioned toward her tits before turning to get in the car.

I followed behind with a chuckle until we were both in. The warmth hit, immediately.

Jax leaned up from the back seat to kiss my cheek. "Hey, gorgeous." Maggie squeezed my shoulder a second later. I smiled at the two in greeting before turning toward Raven.

She offered a big grin, tucking loose ginger strands under her cap. "We're going to try out this new restaurant."

I nodded with a tight smile. "Let's go." My stomach was still in knots with nerves, but food did seem appeasing.

I hadn't been anywhere other than Ravens' ever they all barged in. Now, we were going into town. I knew it wasn't likely, but the universe had more than proven to not be very kind to me.

If I saw him, I didn't know what I'd do. How I would react, or how far I'd get set back back. I didn't want to find out, either.

As soon as Raven shifted the car into reverse, I heard Jax call, "Guess what?"

"You're finally going to shut up?" Maggie interpreted with a shocked expression. "Best surprise ever."

I chuckled then craned my neck back to look at an offended Jax. "What is it?"

His annoyed gaze shifted back to normal. "I know the manager where we're going, and he's going to let us try all of the margaritas we want." He was bouncing in his seat.

"How well do you know this man, Jax?" Maggie asked suggestively, pulling a brow at her brother.

A look of innocence passed over. "Pretty well."

She clicked her tongue, chuckling. "I bet you do."

Laughter echoed through the car from all of us as I turned around in my seat. There was no telling with Jax.

My eyes shifted toward the window before I could stop it. I knew what it was for, too. I was looking for him.

I shook my head as I felt my chest tighten all over again. After a strangled breath, I said, "I'll be the designated driver."

Raven glanced over to me with a frown as she took a turn. "You sure? I was going to let you relax a bit, and I could be the D.D. if you wanted."

I shook my head at her with an appreciative smile. As much as I needed the distraction right now, I didn't want to lose myself in a temporary feeling right now. I knew how quickly that temporary could turn into something much worse.

As bad as the pain cut me up inside, I needed to learn to deal with it sober. My mother, even from wherever she was, would be too glad to see that I'd fallen for the trap. That I'd turned into her. I wouldn't do it.

"You guys enjoy your drinks," I offered, nodding at Raven. "I'll be fine. I'll make sure to get your keys before we head home."

Her hand fell on mine, squeezing. She sent a reassuring smile my way. "Okay. Whatever you want."

I turned around to flash a smile to Maggie. It honestly hurt, but fake it till you make it. I was sticking by that until I didn't have to fake it, anymore. If that ever even happened.

"You know, between you and Jax, I don't know who'se the worst lightweight," I teased her.

Maggie chuckled, her finger tracing over her rings. "I'm not that bad."

Raven gaped at her through her mirror. "The last time you were eight Jell-O shots in, you got up on the pool table and tried to flash your tits until I got Levi to pick you up and carry you to my car."

Maggie held up her hands in surrender, a look of feigned innocence passing. "I'm not liable to any damage done while under the influence. Talk to my lawyer about it."

Jax stifled his laughter as he shook his head. He was at practice the night of, and I was at Kade's, but it was a funny imagery, nonetheless.

The ride continued far longer than I expected, at least an hour. I figured Raven picked it on purpose in order to give me time, which I appreciated.

It worked good enough for them. I managed to force a couple of laughs and responses on cue, but that hollowness remained. The memories was right there with it.

Every time I looked to the trees outside of my window, I thought of the times he took me there to talk. When I looked at certain signs on the road, I was taken back to the nights he would pull over just to steal a kiss.

When we passed a grocery store, I remembered how he got out of bed at two in the morning when I mentioned that I was craving a certain flavor of ice cream. How he drove us to five different ones until we found it, even though I told him it wasn't a necessity. How the next week, his freezer was stocked with that exact flavor of ice cream.

Even the heat in the car toyed and prodded with my brain. The warmth reminded me of just how much he helped warm, and thaw my soul. But, he was gone. The warmth was gone, and there was only coldness that remained.

Once I saw the tiny rain droplets pelt the windows, I remembered the way he would wrap me in his jacket because I always forgot my own. He would get soaked with rain, but didn't pay it a second thought. His gentleness and concern was genuine.

It made my mind go to the many nights I would be awakened by a nightmare, which would sometimes further escalate to a panic attack. I remembered the first time he caught it: it was storming, and it was one in the morning. He and I were always on video call at night, but he was at Luke's to conversate about the cages. He called me anyway, but the call was ended when I woke up—which shocked me since he never hung up. By the time I threw water on my face to calm the beginnings of an attack, Kade was on my doorstep.

When I opened the door, he didn't say anything. Instead, he pulled me into his arms and didn't let go.

But, he let go.

I shut my eyes as the tears began to build. I clenched my wrist in order to stop the trembling. My mind was beginning to smother me the longer I stayed in it.

"Hey," Raven whispered. I felt the warmth of human flesh run along my arm. "Are you okay?" I hadn't even noticed we were outside the restaurant until now.

I offered a shaky smile as I nodded. But, I needed a minute alone. I didn't want to poke the beast too long; my panic attack was on the horizon the longer I suppressed the feeling.

"You guys can go on in," I suggested around a sigh. "I'll catch up."

Raven watched over me, carefully. I could tell she wanted to stay, but, she knew I needed the space.

With a small nod, she motioned toward the twins. "Come on guys, let's go get our table." She turned toward me with sincerity in her eyes. "Text me if you need me, babe. I'll text you where we're seated, okay?"

My throat was beginning to ache. "Thank you."

Jax leaned toward me from his seat. I felt him place a light kiss to my cheek. "We love you." I offered a shaky smile in return, watching them head toward the restaurant.

I released a sigh, letting my seat back until I was staring at the roof of the car. My arm slung over my eyes, but it did nothing to conceal the inevitable.

Hot tears began to spill down my cheeks as soon as I allowed their passage. My skin began to heat, the sobs tearing my throat into two. I tried to conceal them for my own benefit, but the raw material was relentless in it's violent nature.

I knew that it was okay to release the pain, but it hurt. Jax told me in one of his texts that healing wasn't consistent. There would be off days and set-backs. I tried to remember that very saying, but it didn't even feel like healing.

I wanted to continue on through the day like normal, but there was no simple idea of normal for me any longer. As soon as I stepped into this town again, I crumbled.

I stared at the door handle through blurry vision, attempting to pass the damage. Instead, I considered the possibility of the day I could leave. I could detach and get away from all of the reminders.

And, I would.

In this moment, I decided that I would. I couldn't allow myself to break like this every time at a street sign. At trees, or rain. That was only a small obstacle; I couldn't imagine any others with a heavier impact would be any easier.

I knew the decision was made. I could do whatever I needed to get it done with the right determination. Even if everyone thought I ran away from my problems, it didn't matter. 

The people I considered close to me would have to understand that I needed to do this for me. If I wanted to leave and detach from this pain, I would have to put me first.

I was leaving, and I wasn't looking back.