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"Talk Less, Smile More." — Aaron Burr.
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Chapter 34
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My father eyed me cautiously over the kitchen table. "Are you alright, Kim?"

I feigned an innocent smile as I reached for a glass. "Yeah, the pressure of senior year is getting to me, I guess." Pouring the juice in my glass, I made sure to stretch the time in order to calm his suspicions.

This was slightly true though. Even though I tried to push the thoughts back, I knew that it wouldn't keep the college decisions and applications from my reach. I wasn't even sure on what major or what school I'd choose, but all I knew was that I would have to make my mind up sooner than later.

Once I felt my expression gloss over, I put the juice back in the fridge then sat at the table. My dad gazed over me carefully before nodding. "You sure it's not anything else?" he asked as he reached for the bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Of course." I spooned my food, only to drop it back onto the plate. "I'm fine, dad." Those three words had been said a handful of times but now, I didn't feel like such a liar. For the first time, they were partially true.

Dad's warm eyes crinkled as he smiled. "Alright then." I returned his smile, picking up my fork. The food smelled delicious; it was a recipe Jax had sent to me.

I guessed the conversation to be over but when he cleared his throat, I knew it was not. "Well, I'm glad that we have this minute to ourselves anyway. I need to speak to you about a couple of things."

My mind immediately concluded to school, but surely, the principal would have addressed me directly for skipping first.

I frowned at the tense expression he soon wore. "Is everything okay?"

My dad ran a hand down the stubble of his jaw, something that he only did when he was nervous. "It's about Ryland," my dad said. "Specifically, his mother."

My fork fell in shock, my appetite long gone. I rolled my eyes at the mention of her. I didn't know what Ryland's mother wanted from us now, if anything at all. She didn't deserve an ounce of anything from neither Ryland or my father. Just like my mother, the woman never cared for anyone other than herself when things went and got tough.

"I honestly have no idea how she managed to find us, but, she stopped by here a while back," he began, still rubbing that damn jaw. "And, I've had a minute to think ever since she did."

I said nothing.

Finally, his hand fell. He locked it with his other, bringing them right under his chin as he met my eyes. "And, well...like I have always say to you and your brother, you have to learn to forgive," he continued. "You don't have to forget because that's nearly impossible. Forgiveness means growth and continuation, whether that is with or without said person."

My brows furrowed at his words. I didn't like the leaving impression it had on my nerves. "Okay...and what are we forgiving here?"

I'd never seen my father nervous until now. "Her past mistakes. I know she hurt all of us, I do, but—"

I nearly fell out as the realization set in. "But, what?" I cut him off, narrowing my eyes. There was no way he was serious about what I was thinking.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "But, she is the mother of your brother," he said slowly. "For many reasons that you might never understand, I have allowed her back into our home."

What. The. Fuck.

I shoved a shaky hand through my hair as his words sank in. That woman had ruined us as a whole and individually as well. Throughout the years, I couldn't help but despise her role in my parents' calamitous relationship. Even past that, I tried to respect her individually but she spited my every move the moment I stepped foot into their lives. She hated me for simply existing.

"Dad, please tell me this is a joke," I whispered in desperation.

My fathers' brown eyes pleaded for my understanding. Something I was not willing to give.

Finally, he sighed. "Darling, she's been on and off of drugs for years. Now, I know that's not an excuse for what she did, but we have to think from another perspective."

Another perspective? My eyes were already wide in size at this information, but somehow, they only grew larger. "What about Ryland? Did you even stop for a minute to think that this would affect him?"

My dad nodded slowly, reaching over to cup my hands. I stared down at the hold with malice. "Ryland is the eldest, and he understands my decision, as hard as it was to make. You are the only one in this family that doesn't agree."

My face grew red in anger as I yanked my hands from his. I didn't want that woman—that homewrecker—here.

"How do you expect me to be okay with this?" I asked in disbelief. "She's the reason you and my—"

Dad shook his head, glowering at me with discontent. "Do not bring your mother into this situation. Diane is an evil woman, and she drove me away on her own."

Anger wrapped me in its embrace the longer he tried to convince me. With a scowl, I raised myself from the chair.

"She'll only steal your—our— belongings from underneath our noses and then pick up and leave again! And, you know it!" I argued, pointing a finger at him. "As childish as I may sound, you know I have a point."

I struggled to intake oxygen as my dad stood from his chair to match my stance. He removed his glasses, placing his hands against the kitchen table as I saw the anger flash across his face. I felt myself shrink back into the chair at his raging gaze.

"I understand that. But, you will not change my decision. She needs a home, and I am willing to give that to her with or without your liking," my dad's voice raised the longer he spoke. "For gods sake, Kimberly."

At my wary expression, I saw him back down. He never yelled at me, so him doing it now, over a woman who had hurt his daughter felt like a punch to the gut.

My dad huffed, massaging at his temples. His lips fell into a tight line. "Kimberly, she's struggling—"

"Don't you think we are, too?" I spat, my teeth clenched. That wasn't even the slightest of an excuse for everything she had done. "Don't let her back in, dad. Don't."

He shut his eyes, drawing out a deep sigh. I watched as his fingers grew white while he gripped onto the tabletop. He wasn't listening.

I stood again, staring daggers into his skull. "Please, tell me what do you think will stop her from fucking up our home all over again? Because right now, I don't see any goddamn reason—" I jumped as my fathers' head jerked up.

He slammed his hand down, causing the surface of our table to shake. "You live under my custody, Kimberly! Don't you dare curse at your father when I have done nothing, but provide for you and your brother!" He pointed a finger in my face, his face red with firefly hot rage. "We won't be having this conversation again, because I am the damned adult of this house. Not you and not Ryland. Me! She will be living with us, and that is final! I don't want to hear another word about it, are we understood?"

My hands shook on either side of me. Fear mixed with frustration all smothered by the anger coursed through my blood like a river. I knew by now that I was red in the face, and that my eyes twinkled with tears. I glared down at the plate, the food now blurry in my sight.

"I hate you so much," I muttered without another thought.

My father's expression dropped at my words. In mere seconds, he stumbled, eyes growing brighter with tears or shock before his head fell. He breathed in incredibly slow, squeezing his eyes close tightly. I knew that my words had hurt him, but my anger edged my guilt right out.

I left without a second thought to it. I hurried past my dad, my feet in step with the beat of my heart. I didn't grab a jacket, nor did I feel the pelt of rain as it hit and Cooley burned at my skin.

I didn't know how long I ran, or if I were even running at all. All I knew though, was that I was far from home, and much closer to someone else's.

Day was beginning to slip into night the longer I continued. The autumn breeze tousled my hair as I went. It only added the lack of color to my skin. I didn't even know where I was going; I just needed to get out of there before I broke in half.

My fists were clenched so tightly, I thought my nails had broken past the skin and drew blood. The anger I held at the moment was one that nearly sent my mind into hysteria. 

I didn't know what my father was thinking. All I knew though, was that he definitely wasn't thinking. Not rationally.

I couldn't help but wonder if  my father still held feelings for Ryland's mom. He had to, he always ended up coming back to her.

I couldn't understand how Ryland was just as capitulating as our father was. His mom hurt him even more than my father and I by leaving. I still remembered the months he spent in his room, smothering his cries with a pillow and sulking around the house. I did everything I could to help him, to make him feel as loved as I had with him and dad. It all worked and he was able to move on, just enough. But, he had thrown it all away for her.

Maybe his reasoning stood by the fact that she was his mother, but I still wasn't able to accept it. Despite leaving my brother, she was malicious since the moment she met me. I was conceived when her and my father were on a break, but Teresa didn't let that alter her hatred. She treated me like a mistake, like a burden and a reminder of what she couldn't give my father: another child.

She had nothing on my mother, but I still remembered the hope I had that Teresa could love me, that she would be the mother I never had. It hadn't happened, and I accepted it for what it was. Yet, I still couldn't understand Ryland when it came to forgiving his mother, and my stepmother so fucking easily.

The ache set in throughout my legs as soon as I stopped running. I pressed my palms to my knees, my breathing labored and lobby until I finally looked up. Past the rain and newly fresh thunder, I saw the familiar sports car.

Somehow, someway, I was at Kade's. I didn't know how long I'd been running, but apparently I'd been doing it enough to get here. My mind was strayed and fuzzy, but the longer I stared at the front door, the storm grew even quieter.

I was unsure if I should knock or just go home and figure it out alone. From his car, he was here, but I didn't know if he meant true to his promise. To be there if I needed. I'd never had anyone say that to me before, nor had I intended to before him. It felt comfortably strange to actually have someone to care and to listen.

The clap of thunder decided for me. I was already here. It would only take a couple of seconds to have an answer to my doubt.

With a clouded mind, I knocked on the front door. It didn't take long before I saw a figure approach behind the glass window.

I heard a couple swears before the door swung open. Behind it, was a shirtless Kade. His usual blank expression swayed into an entirely different one as his eyes followed me.

He rubbed at his eyes. "Kimberly?" his voice was rough in tone.

By the tired look in his eyes, I knew that he had been sleeping or close to it before I came.

Guilt filled me to the brim. "I-I'm sorry." My throat choked with unshed tears, my eyes burning with hurt and anger. "I'll leave." I turned but before I even took a step, Kade had pulled me back by my wrist. "Hey, no."

He grew closer in a matter of seconds, watching me closely. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked as he saw my hurt skimmed expression. His expression darkened, his head tilting as he ran me over from the bottom up. "Did someone hurt you?"

My chin trembled as he grasped it, lifting my head up. I hoped the rain blended in well with the tears but by Kades' softened expression, I knew they didn't.

My eyes fell. "I didn't mean to bother you—"

"Fuck no," he said. "Fuck no you didn't bother me."

I shook my head, sighting into the cold air. "You were sleeping. I-I—"

"Hey, hey," his voice grew to a whisper, his other hand cupping my face as he shook his head. "Fuck that," he hissed. "You weren't bothering me, you never are, and you never will. I told you to come to me anytime, and I meant that. You get me?"

His eyes ran over me carefully, his expression shifting into a concerned one. His hands ran down my exposed arms. "Fuck me, you're freezing." Before I could object, he was pulling me into the warmth of the house.

My skin felt cold, but I knew I was trembling, either from the cold or from the events of the evening. My emotions were rattled until I was succumb to nothing, it felt.

Kade appeared in my line of view with a blanket. His expression remained tense until he had it fully wrapped around me. Then, he grasped my face again. "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

My head bobbed on its own as I glared down at the marble tile. "I...my—"

Susie entered the room from the kitchen. Her hair was down, the black strands casually grazing her face. As she looked at me, a frown grew across her pink lips.

"Oh my goodness, sweetheart, are you alright? You're drenched," she rushed to me, scanning me over for any bodily harm. "Did you walk here in the rain? Come on, I'll make you some tea." Her head tilted worriedly as she motioned for me.

I didn't realize the puddle I had left behind me until now. I looked back to his mother. "I'm sorry about the mess, Mrs. Ryder." My lips trembled as I spoke, but Kade tucked me into his arm even tighter. Even past my distraught figure, I felt his warmth hugging me into its embrace.

Susie shook her head, grasping my cool hands in her own. "Honey, it's nothing." I attempted a smile but it failed without doubt.

Kade noted it, pulling me away from his mother. "We're going to my room."

Susie nodded immediately, reaching over to squeeze my shoulder. Her eyes were sympathetic as she said, "Tell me if you guys need anything, alright, sweetie?" I nodded slowly, my eyes watering at her comfort. It was odd witnessing motherly love since I'd been deprived of it for so, so long.

"Thank you," I managed out. "I really appreciate it."

She smiled warmly, nodding. "Don't thank me, sweet girl. I'll be down here watching a movie, but let me know if I can help with whatever it is, alright? And, I mean anything." Her eyes jumped between Kade and I before I nodded.

Kade nodded at her like a stranger. It wasn't until now that I noticed the grip on my hand he held. He squeezed it, his arm holding me flush against him as he led me up the stairs, then to his bedroom.

As we entered his room, I allowed him to lead me toward his bed. I remained there as he shut the door. "I don't want to get your bed wet."

Kade shook his head. "I don't give a damn about sheets, sweetheart. Sit, I'll get you something to change into so that you don't get a cold." When I hesitated, he grasped my hand and led me forward until I was sitting on the bed.

He turned and went to his closet, digging until he found a pair of sweats and a hoodie. He came back, laying it in my hands. "Do you want me to leave the room?" His fingers lifted my chin so I was forced to meet his eyes.

I didn't have it in me to care. I shrugged, then took his clothes. Kade turned his back anyway, waiting until I told him it was okay. Once I was dressed, I did just that. When he turned around, his lips were knitted into a frown.

I sat on the bed, eyes to the sheets. I blinked in order to set the tears back, though it did nothing once I began to think about it again. None of it ever left.

Kade kneeled right in front of me. He brought either hand to my thighs, slowly trailing until he got to my knees. He squeezed, lightly tracing circles into them.

His head tilted up to me. "Can you tell me what's wrong, sweetheart?" he questioned.

I could feel his eyes on me. I did nothing about this, except run a hand through the tangled, damp mess of hair.

Once I met his eyes, I saw the turmoil in them. "Kimberly, did someone hurt you?"

I only shook my head. At my silence, I heard him sigh before moving closer. The bed dipped as he sat in front of me.

His hands found mine, squeezing once before I felt his lips press against each finger. "Please," he said in utter and complete desperation. "Talk to me, sweetheart."

I knew that it would be hard to get the words out, but I needed to. Maybe this could be the place where we started to communicate with thorough understanding for the other point.

I told him the entire ordeal, ending at the moment I told my father I hated him. Kade listened the entire time, not interrupting though I knew he wanted to. By the time I finished, my eyes were damp at the edges with frustration.

Without a word, Kade stood from the bed and went to my side. He pulled me to him, his chin tucking on my head. We were flush together, and I had never felt so comfortable. I sighed at the sound of his heartbeat, just as frantic as mine.

Kade laid back on his bed, bringing me along with him. I didn't blush as I usually did due to the fact that I had needed this type of affection all along. It was the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

"Don't cry," he mumbled at the sight of my teary eyes. "Please." His fingers swept across my cheeks, catching the tears.

I felt my heart burst at his words, though I shut my eyes instead of reacting. I moved closer, even though we were already close as can be.

His hand ran circles into my back, and I sunk right into his hold. "Can I tell you something?"

I nodded. "Mhm."

I felt his chest cave in the release a sigh. "I-I'm not that sure how to be there or help other people. I haven't had to in years; I've been selfish and only cared for myself. It was all I was taught to do," he mumbled. "But I'm trying, for you. I hope I'm doing okay, I hope this is okay." He squeezed me again, tightening his grip around me.

My eyes flickered to him. God, he truly had no idea. Him just being here, listening and accepting me for what I am...that was more than enough. To him, he was trying, but to me, he was perfect. So I told him that.

"You're doing perfect, Kade," I whispered, pulling my face into his chest.

His chest bounced with a chuckle. "That's all you, love. All you."

***

"Are you sure you aren't hungry?" Kade asked. "I can—"

I shook my head, my lips pulling into a smile. "I'm fine, I swear." I couldn't eat; my mind wouldn't allow it.

It'd been three days now since I left my dads. I didn't know when I'd return, but I knew I'd have to eventually. Both my father and Ryland had called so many times, I had to turn my phone off. I was sure the school called about my absences, so that would only add to the turmoil I'd face when I got home. But, I didn't care about school.

I knew that no matter what I said, my dad was already bound by what he thought was right. I couldn't understand why Ryland's mother decided to squirm her way into our lives after four years. Why now? In my mind, it was far too late to fix the damage she created when she left my father behind with their own child.

Sometimes, I did blame myself for my father's misery. Technically, it was my fault. It had been my very existence that fucked his relationship up with his wife. I knew that it was my dad's fault for sleeping with my mother even after their divorce, but I still knew that he hadn't cheated on Ryland's mom. They weren't together during the first three years of Ryland's life other than paper, so that didn't officially tie my father down, and that sure as hell didn't stop him from sleeping with my mother again.

Some days, I truly did wish that my father had stayed away. That he hadn't touched my mother, so that he could have been happy, even if that meant me not existing. It wasn't like any of my brothers were his, and that meant he was free of my mom, until he came back and created me.

I didn't know Ryland's mother for long, but I did know of her attitude toward me. I still remembered the first day we met, one of glares and honeyed down hurtful words. She labeled me as a bastard, cursed my very existence, and soon left because of it. I didn't see anymore of her ever again, which I didn't mind.

I didn't want to see her again either. Not only was she an absolutely terrible mother for abandoning her child, but she was also a horrid reminder of what I truly was: a bastard and a mistake.

"Kimberly?"

I was yanked out of my thoughts at the sound of my name. I looked up to see Kade weighing me down with a curious look.

I blinked. "I-I'm sorry, what did you say?" I asked.

I could tell he wanted me to elaborate but chose not to. His fingers tucked a strand of hair behind my ear then lingered on my jaw, stroking. "How about you live with me?" he asked.

I tilted my head to look at him sideways. I didn't know if he were being serious, or kidding with me. I decided on the second one.

I chuckled. "Nice one, Kade."

He frowned as if he were actually being serious. "I'm not kidding."

I raised my eyes to his face again. With a hard expression, and furrowed eyebrows, I knew that he was completely serious with the offer.

I lowered my gaze. "As nice as it sounds, I can't."

"What do you mean you can't? Susie wouldn't care at all. She's barely even here so it would basically just be us," he tried to persuade. "We could be in this room, or if you want your privacy, I can clear out one of the guest rooms on the other side of the house and—"

I raised from my position in his bed, shaking my head. "Kade, I don't need for anyone to take care of me. And, plus...it's not like I'm being kicked out my house."

Kade watched me for a moment before, "The way you wrote about his mother in your diary, she sounded like someone who wants to hurt you. And, you know I don't do well with someone trying to hurt you," Kade said, the warning in his voice loud and clear.

I sighed at that. I had written about Ryland's mother in my diary long ago, and I knew those words were still in their red ink, on the same page, and on the same line of paper. He must have saw it when he skimmed the pages.

As heavenly as it sounded to be with him everyday, I couldn't. Even if I wanted to, my father would never even think to allow it.

I sighed. "I still can't, Kade. I've been dealing with a lot of shit for a long time, and this won't break me down, either. Besides, we're not even together right now, or..." I bit on my lip. "At least I don't think we are."

He sat up at this, eyebrows raised at me. "What do you mean?"

I raised up too, letting the blanket fall from me. "I mean...Kade, let's be serious here."

"Like I'm trying to be," he said in a tense tone.

I glanced at him sideways. "We have a lot, no, a ton of things that we haven't spoken about."

"And, we will. Later."

"But, how much later?" I motioned between us. "You keep putting this conversation off as if it will be answered without you, Kade. I don't want to talk about this, either, but we both know we—"

Kade scoffed. "Then, why in the fuck are we even sitting here, and having this conversation right now?"

"Because we need it for this to work!" I didn't mean to shout, but the mix of strayed emotions were only increasing my frustration.

He raised from the bed, scrubbing his hands over his face. They ran loosely, stopping as he drew in a deep breath. Then, he stood, turning to face me. His lips were in a thin line, gazing down at me with frustration.

It had been one long week ever since he walked away from my questions. Now, I would get them.

"Ever since I came to your school, you've treated me like nothing," I began.

"Don't you think I know that?" he hissed toward my direction, eyes set hard on me. "I don't want to talk about this, right now. Today isn't the day to talk about this." My anger soared as he pulled on a hoodie, then glanced to the door. He was trying to escape.

I threw the blanket off of me entirely, standing. "Well, it's not about what you want! It's about what we need!" I huffed as the frustration threatened to blind me. "And, what we need is to face the fact that you treated me like shit for no reason, and you know it."

I could tell it took everything in him not to leave. He shut his eyes, a nerve ticking in his jaw. He moved closer to his door, his gaze never leaving the floor before my lips parted in speech.

I pointed into his chest, gazing into his eyes. "Ever since I came here, you have treated me like absolute shit. And, so have the other people around you! I don't know what I did to you, and I might never know what I did to make you so hateful toward me, but I'll just say that I'm sorry for all of the things I've supposedly done to you. But, nothing is an excuse for treating me like the garbage in your trash. You had no idea what I had going on in my life, nor what the hell I thought about doing to myself when someone called me something because of the things you told them about me, Kade."

I could tell that my words were hard on him. His eyes squeezed shut, jaw muscle ticking so hard, I thought it'd break. I pulled back as I saw his hands clench at his sides, his chest moving slightly faster as my words sank in.

Finally, his eyes opened. I nearly scurried off at the unrecognizable hatred in them. "You have no idea how badly you fucked up my life, Kimberly," he sneered.

I wanted to scream, but refrained myself from doing so. "But, how? Please, tell me how I fucked your life up when we haven't even known each other for a year."

Kade threw his head back, his laughter dark and taunting before he tuned back into the conversation, "You really don't remember me, do you?"

I shook my head, crossing my arms. I tried, as I had for the millionth time, to conjure something, but just like the other times, there was nothing to there. "I've tried so hard to bring up a memory of you, but I can't find any."

His head cocked as he stared straight down, his clenched fists opening. "So, you're telling me, that you don't even remember the day your mother defended my father in court, and landed him out of a sentence?"

Out of all of the things I expected, that wasn't one. What? My legs threatened to give out under the confession, so I sat back on his bed.

I reached hard for a memory of this. I could feel the slight edginess of familiarity of this situation, but my mother was an attorney, there were many people that came and went.

I massaged at my temples as an ache tore through. "I-I don't understand," I mumbled. "I don't remember."

Kade chuckled, the sound wrapping around my confusion. "Of course. The perfect Kimberly still doesn't understand how she and her mother fucked up my life."

I grew wary as he grew closer and closer. As he kneeled down to eye level, I knew that I was the goat to his lion in the moment.

Kade leaned in so close, it seemed as if he were going in for a kiss. Under the circumstances though, neither body reacted the same though. "Of course you don't remember the day you lied in the judge's face, and told them that I was a fucking liar, and so was my mother," he spat, his eyes wild like an animals'.

It seized me. Slowly, but surely, the memory punched me right in the gut. It was still blurry around the edges, but clear enough for me to understand...

I had been the reason Kade and his mother went through their pain.

I met Kades' eyes, my chest bouncing under the dread. Oh my god.

"I-I was a child, and my mother she made me lie," I tried to defend, though I knew my excuses sounded silly. "Kade, I-I didn't..."

The memory was slowly clearing from the fog. It had happened so long ago, I couldn't even connect it with him. As dire as it came to be, the memory had gotten lost in the midst of all of the violence my young mind was succumb to.

My mother had taken me to the park since it was my dads weekend with me. Since she didn't want to risk him catching her abuse, she never gave him her address so the trade off was always done in a public spot. But, before we even got to the park bench, we witnessed a man hit his son so hard, I still could hear the sound of bones cracking, and the blood and teeth that had left the boys' mouth that day. This continued until the mother jumped on the father, then the authorities were alerted of the incident. My mother had yanked me up as soon as the boy was hit; I guessed she didn't want me to correlate that with her own abuse. She had told me that I hadn't seen it, that I was crazy and took it the wrong way.

Since it was so chilly, barely anyone had been at the park that day other than us and probably two or three bystanders. We were all witnesses, but my mother and I's statements were taken into heavy consideration, since my mom was a trusted attorney around town. Because of her position though, only my statement alone could be used in the hearing.

The day of the court hearing, right before we entered the room, my mother had grasped me by the arm and told me something that chilled my eleven year old bones into listening to every word she uttered.

"Now," she had said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. Her hand had lingered around my skin until she grasped my jaw. "You go in that room, and you tell them that both him and his whore of a mother are both liars. Because that little mind of yours," she had paused to dig a nail into the side of my head before I flinched away. "Is quite imaginative, and you know how confused you get about these things." Her grip had tightened, grasping until I thought my jaw would pop out of place. "If you decide to be the little bitch you were born to be, I promise I will let your brothers and their friends do whatever they please to you." I yelped as she squeezed. She released me, her smile growing to the woman who had passed us. Once she was out of sight, my mother had scowled down at me. "Do you understand me?"

I had pushed the memory to the back of my mind as soon as my dad hauled me into his car and drove us away from that hell. The memory had gotten lost within the rest of the trauma. I'd never thought anything else of it, but now, I realized...

The people in the park were Kade, his mother, and his father. And, I had been the one to turn the truth into a lie. To ruin his life.

I seized my stomach as the bile rose in my throat. "Oh my god."

Kade's head tilted at my reaction. "So there you fucking go. The truth of why I tried my fucking hardest to make your life as close to hell as possible," his words were angry, and full of hatred.

I stood up, but my legs wobbled. "Kade, I understand your anger—"

He jerked around, eyes narrowed on me. "No, you fucking—" he had to catch himself as his anger reached it's peak. "No, you don't. You never will understand how I feel because of what you did that day."

My throat tightened with guilt. I knew nothing I could say could even begin to fix my mistake but I needed to get my part out. "Kade, we were children. If I could go back and change what I did, I'd do it in a heartbeat." I wanted him to look at me, to understand how sorry I truly was, but obviously, that wouldn't happen. "But, that's not a reason to treat me with so much hatred, and—"

He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "You deserve it. It's not even close to every ounce of fucking pain and hatred you brought along with your actions. You deserve—"

Fuck no. "No, I don't!" I cut over him as he did me. That child, that little girl who had been beaten and bruised, she was only trying to survive. That didn't excuse my actions that day, nothing ever would, but it did explain it. She didn't deserve an ounce of the pain she was given, and nor did I. We didn't deserve it, nor did we deserve this.

My anger won the fight as I stood up to reach his level. I marched closer until we were chest to chest. As he opened his mouth again, I felt my vision grow blurry with rage.

I pointed my finger into his chest. "No, you be quiet, and let me speak! I am so sick of your bullshit! I understand that I messed up your life, and many others' but can't you see?" I threw up my arms. "I didn't have a choice! My mother threatened to let my brothers' and their friends torture me if I didn't do what I did. Do you understand that?! I didn't understand the consequences for your side, because if I had, I would have done what I knew was right! I have always put others' before myself, but not anymore." My voice cracked under the pressure before I squeezed in a shaky sigh. "I'm done. I'm finished allowing people like you to push me over, then pick me up to shove me back down even harder! Okay? I'm done."

I stepped closer to him, my nails digging into my palms. "But, you!" I shoved my finger into his chest. "You are such an inconsiderate, rude, angry person! I'm sure you treat the women that you fuck better than you treat me, sometimes! You act like your actions don't have consequences and then carry on as if nothing happened. And, you speak to your mother like she's someone who doesn't care, when she does! Be grateful because she fucking does. I know she made her mistakes, but when will you just forgive her, Kade? When will you forgive me? When will you just forgive?"

By the end of my rant, Kades' eyes were sparkling with a lit fire. I nearly thought the conversation was over by the amount of time he stayed silent.

I turned away from him, palming my face as I felt it heat. I needed to breathe and—

"So, what, sweetheart?" he chuckled, the sound dark and dreadful. "You really think you're perfect, huh?"

I jerked around to face him. "I never said that."

Kade nodded, kissing his teeth before meeting my eyes. "You sure? Because you sure as hell act like it. You walk around so fucking casually, pretending that your very existence doesn't fuck up other lives!" My chest caved in with hurt as I stared at him. "You yell at me about forgiving someone, when you don't even forgive your stepmother. So don't come preaching to me about your bullshit forgiveness when you know that you haven't even forgiven so many people."

I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it. "Oh, no. You shut up now, and let me speak now, sweetheart." I never dreaded hearing that nickname until now.

"Most of my life, I've seen you get what you want. Things that you took away from me. You still have a brother, a father. You may think your life is shitty, but it's way better than you ever think it to be."

"Sure, we were kids, but you still knew better! You knew not to lie because it was wrong! It's your goddamn fault that my mind is so fucked, and that Susie can't sleep without a knife under her pillow." His chest shook along with his rage as he glowered down at me, continuing his rant. His face had gone red. "You're the reason why my little brother is rotting in his fucking grave, and you're the goddamned reason he's dead!"

I felt my heart drop. What was he talking about? I didn't even remember an ounce of his existence a year ago, let alone his brothers'.

I stumbled back with shock. "W-what?" I stuttered, my brows creased in confusion. "Y-your brother?" That I supposedly ruined as well.

My mind twisted until the reconciliation hit. The day that Kade tried my nachos. That picture under his mother's bed. The picture of a little boy...who I hadn't seen this entire time. Who couldn't be around now. Whose death was apparently linked to what I did that day.

Kade was much farther now. With a red framed face, the muscle in his jaw continued to tick like a time bomb. "Nothing."

"Nothing. This is nothing. We are nothing," he mumbled into a daze before turning around.

"You don't understand me, and you never will, Kimberly. You can't, no matter how badly you want to. With our pasts...we were never meant to intertwine and trust me, when I say, we will never have a future. I've told you this too many times, and I'm willing to tell you, again. I'm not the heroic guy in your romance book, I'm not the one who comes and fixes your life with three fucking lying ass words, I'm not some fucking hero. I'm not. I'm me, and I always will be. You'll just end up heartbroken or worse, sweetheart." Kade wasted the space between us, leaning in until I felt the heat of his breath against my ear. "And, honestly? I don't give a fuck about you being either one right now."

Our eyes collided, and neither of us broke the stretch of silence. My body was shaking at this point. We had said what we wanted to each other now. I found out why he thought it was alright to hurt me, I found out had badly I had hurt him. He had given me answers, ones that I wished I never knew.

"I..." but, there was nothing to say. I was speechless at this point.

The tension was thick in the room. It was impossible to cut through it at this point. We both were heaving as if the air was limited, but we were both drowning in our bared faults.

Kade chuckled at my expression, taking a step back from me. "What? Quiet now that you've seen the real me? Why the fuck are you even still here?"

My lip trembled at the intensity of him. I blinked multiple times to uphold myself, and attempt to hold the tears at bay. I held up this long, I had to keep it going now. I had to be strong.

I couldn't do this; I couldn't be with Kade. As much as he made my heart flare, as much as I cared for and about him, as badly as I loved him, there was too much. This was too much. He would always hold some type of anger for me and my mistake, and there was nothing that anyone else except himself could do about that. I didn't want to have to question his motives, or to fear if he was using me as a ploy. I had to face that this was over before it even started. As bad as it hurt, I needed to know that.

Even as my heart punched so incredibly hard in my chest, I still allowed my feet to drift across the floor. With the very few footsteps I took, I felt my heart pad with each one until I paused at the door.

I turned to Kade, one last time. I surrendered as I felt the first round of tears skid down my cheeks.

His eyes were trained on the ground, his expression motionless but so, so full of malice and rage. Either fist was unclenched now, but by the tremor of his body, I knew he was capable of hearing this last thing.

"I never want to speak to you again," I whispered in a shaky voice.

At that moment, I felt my heart completely shatter. I felt as if I had set myself up for failure by falling too hard for him. By possibly, utterly, falling in love with him.

In a matter of seconds, Kade was on the move. His long strides ended on the other side of the room. With all of his strength, he slammed his fist into the wall so hard, it went right through. Chipped pieces fell down on either side of him, only piling onto my fear.

He jerked around to face me, his body shaken and red. "Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out of my room! Get the fuck away from me!" he shouted at me, the veins in his neck visible.

He resembled a wild animal in his tantrum. With the expression of a maniac, he removed himself from my space and turned toward his bed. With so much of a simple sweep of an arm, the items atop his bed stand were scattered all over the room.

I gulped as I saw his evil side truly unfold. I'd never seen him this way, and I wasn't sure what to do or if I should even do anything at all.

"Please stop," I squeezed out in desperation.

At my words, Kades' head whipped toward me. I froze in every way that I could, my stance matching one of a deer caught in headlights.

I jumped as he overturned his dresser next, the television landing right under it with a crack. "Get the fuck out of my life! Get out of my goddamn head!" he yelled again. "Get out!"

It looked as if he were actually in pain. There was a change in the air, his anger falling into complete hurt.

Kade's hand gripped at the nape of his neck, his chest drawing in a large, shaky breath. As he looked to me, I noticed the glint of tears beginning to skim over the surface of his eyes. At that moment of emotion, I knew that it hurt him just as badly as it hurt me.

It was only the more reason to do this.

"Goodbye, Kade," I whispered.

I exited as quickly as possible before I changed my mind. My mind was clogged with a disastrous turmoil as I treaded down the stairs. It was difficult to catch the sound of Susie's voice just before I reached the door.

"Kimberly?" her voice was full of concern. She stood from the couch, not bothering to pause the movie. "Is everything alright, sweetie?"

I didn't respond; my tears did it for me.

Susan looked up the stairs, and I was sure that she knew what had went on. Despite my distraught stature, I was sure we had made plenty of noise up there. Her brows drew in before she met my eyes, a sympathetic expression following up immediately.

"Would you let me drive you home?" she offered. "I could never just let Jackson's daughter walk alone at night." I nearly questioned how she knew my father, but from everything else I found out tonight...I didn't even want to know right now.

At my reluctant expression, she smiled, "Sweetheart, it's the least I could do."

I shook my head; I wanted to be alone. "No, it's—"

Susie sighed. "Kimberly, I'll have to call your father if you won't let me drive you home. It's dark outside, and I'm not letting a young woman walk alone at night."

I was too exhausted to argue with her. Instead, I only nodded with a nonexistent smile. My legs drifted behind her as she led me to the garage.

Her car looked to be new by the model, but I couldn't quite rely on my senses too much right now. It felt as if I were deaf, as if I were blind, and as if I were unable to breathe or smell. I was numb.

I felt my heart weigh heavy as we pulled away from her house. Away from Kade.

I couldn't help but replay his words on repeat. They hurt, hearing him say them hurt. I would rather take a knife to the heart then have that memory of walking away from what we had tried to make.

But, I knew. I knew that this was only better for the both of us. He knew it too. Like he had said, I couldn't understand him, no matter how badly I wanted to. I had ruined his life, and there was nothing else that I could do to alter that.

If he remembered me, then Susie surely did. I couldn't imagine the anger she carried for me, nor did I want to. But, I deserved it all.

This wouldn't be easy. I would have to throw away any type of feeling regarding him, and I knew it. I would have to pretend that I never knew of him, and that I had never met anyone with the name Kade.

Easier said than done.

Before long, we were pulling into my driveway. I didn't even care anymore what argument awaited me inside, all I knew was that I wanted to go to my bed. I was all argued out at this point.

Before I even pulled the door handle, I felt Susan latch onto my arm.

Her smile was warm. "Sweetheart, if you need anything, and I mean anything, just tell me, and I will do my best to provide," she said to me.

I made an attempt at a smile, though another tear dropped instead. "Thank you." I bit my lip as I tried to conjure the words that would even begin to express how sorry I was. "I just wanted to say—"

"No," she cut me off. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare apologize for being a child, Kimberly. I have moved on from that part of my life, and you better, as well."

I nodded tightly, the tear dripping onto my pants sleeve. "I know. I just...I ruined all of your lives."

Susie shook her head, grasping both of my hands. "Sweetheart, you were a child. You were a victim and you were surviving. Your mother is the only one to blame and I don't want you to think otherwise, alright?"

I nodded my head slowly even though I knew that truthfully, it was me. The lie came from my mouth that day. Nothing could repair the damage I had caused.

I offered a weak smile. "Thank you for the ride, Mrs. Ryder." I stepped out of the car, my head hanging as I walked to my front door.

She pulled out of the driveway at a slow speed, much unlike her son. I cursed under my breath as I reminded myself to relocate my thoughts. They needed to be far, far away from Kade.

I blurred out my surroundings as I stared at my front door. What would await me, I wouldn't know, but that wouldn't matter for now. I just needed to get to my bed and let the storm come tomorrow.

I unlocked the door with my key. I frowned at the sounds of the tv. No one left the television playing at this time of the night, especially on week days.

I walked until I entered the kitchen. It was dark in the house, only adding onto my edginess. Goosebumps crept upon my skin the longer I walked. I gulped as I flipped on the light.

My eyes scanned the kitchen for anything out of the ordinary, and at first, I nearly found nothing. Then, I stepped around the table. I screamed in fear as I saw the figure on the cool, hard ground.

I stepped closer, but everything ceased to be as I saw that it was my father who laid unconscious against the kitchen floor.