Chapter 5 Part 13: An Unexpected Guest
Trigger warning! Like I told you all last week, there is a trigger warning for this chapter for the mentions of self harm and relapse. If you aren't comfortable with this topic, please click away or skip it. For all of those who continue on, good luck.
Your POV:
To put in in short, I was relapsing... My brain was pushing me to do something I knew I'd regret. Even though I would regret it, right now... it didn't matter to me. All that mattered was taking out this anguish on myself.
I was holding the razor in my hand with tears flowing out of my eyes like constant waterfalls. It felt like everything around me was vanishing from existence as I was focused on the urge to take everything out on myself. All I could hear was the sound of my own heart beating.
I pulled up the sleeve on my right arm as much as I could. One of the only things that was logically going through my brain was hiding this from everyone else. If Kaito didn't want to talk to me anymore... if Rantaro didn't want to be with me anymore... They probably wouldn't even care anyway.
With those thoughts fueling my mind, I slowly brought the razor over to my arm. Once I had the blade portion on my arm, instead of pulling it up to remove hair, I slid it to the side. Almost instantly I could feel the blade slice into my skin. My mind clouded with despair, didn't perceive the pain at all.
I could see bubble gum link blood starting to bubble and ooze from the cut I just gave myself. Something about seeing this in the state I was in... it was satisfying. I felt slightly better, knowing I was punishing myself for the bad things I've done to others, even Rantaro.
'I am a terrible person,' I thought as I started to take more of my frustration out on myself, 'no one will ever love you.'
I started to go up my arm, sliding the razor to the side to cut into my arm. This was the best thing I could do, because I now knew my true worth. I could feel no pain as I continued to cut my arm, realizing that my only purpose here was to keep the others alive. My only purpose was to be a scape goat for others.
I saw streams of bubble gum substance streaming from my arm, cascading down my forearm before droplets were falling onto the floor. I couldn't feel any pain from this. All I could feel was my stress reducing from doing this. Putting myself in pain helped with my stress and that was all that mattered.
If everyone in my past was right about what type of person I am, then taking everything out on myself was the only way to make myself feel better.
I could see cuts cascade down my arm, dripping blood as I held the razor to another spot to cut. Blood was starting to drip more onto the floor, but I didn't care about that. All I cared about was making myself feel the pain and torture that I put everyone else through.
"This is for your own good," I muttered to myself as tears continued to stream out of my eyes, "if I'm still hurting others, then hurting myself if the best thing I can do to make myself pay...."
That was was all I could think of. I could feel myself start to tremble as I started to realize what I've done to myself. In the moment, I was happy that I was able to hurt myself to compensate for hurting others.
I could feel my eyes widen as I saw the mess I created. There was blood dripping onto the floor, coming from my arm in endless streams. I failed to remember how long razor cuts could bleed for, and that was the predicament I was in.
My body was quaking as blood continued to seep from my arm. Adrenaline that once coursed through my system during my present break down was going away. I could start to register pain coming from my arm, a stinging sensation coming from the open cuts on my arms.
This as when panic start settling in. I knew I felt like I deserved this, but this went too far. I couldn't let anyone find out what I did. I needed to keep this from the others. If they found out, they'd probably assume that I was crazy or something.
"I need to clean my arm off," I said to myself, feeling my breath start to pick up, "I can't let anyone find out... I can't let anyone find out...I can't let anyone find out..."
I was stammering to myself as I tried to calm myself down in the bathroom, so I could be calm enough to wrap my arm with something in order to keep blood from getting on my clothes. I didn't even know if my room even had a first aid kit, but I guess I'd find out. Something as close to a gauze roll would be enough for me.
I turned on the faucet before putting my arm under to clean up my arm. I slowly rubbed my arm, rinsing it if the bubble gum pink that stained it. I could feel my arm burn as I attempted to clean off the blood. All I needed was something to wrap my arm with. That was all I needed.
As soon as I got my arm rinsed off, I started to look through the cupboards and drawers that were stationed in my bathroom. It was as if Lady Luck was beckoned to me because I found a roll of gauze and medical tape. I could feel myself sigh in relief as I took the rolls out.
"Thank god I have first aid stuff here..." I muttered as I dried my arm off with a towel, "I can't let anyone know... everyone will think I'm over dramatic..."
Blood got on the towel, but I knew somehow, someone always fixed up the dorm room even if we didn't. Uniforms were always restocked, and the bed was always remade. I wasn't going to let anyone into the bathroom as of late.
With my shaking form, I started to wrap the gauze around my arm. As I was covering the open wounds I gave to myself, I couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. I thought I was changing. I thought I was finally starting to love myself... however...this changed everything. I didn't love myself. I only felt that way based off of what Rantaro was saying to me.
I finished wrapping my arm with the gauze, and after that, I used the medical tape to keep the gauze on my arm. I stuck some of the tape on the ends of the gauze on my arm, and it worked well enough.
I pulled my sleeve down to cover my arm, and to my surprise, the gauze was barely noticeable. I was satisfied worth my arm bandage, so I decided to walk back to my bed.
(End of Trigger Warning for now.)
Once I made it there, I sat down, finally feeling the weight of what I just did to myself in full. The tears may have been gone, but the feeling was still there. All I was supposed to do was mentally prepare myself for the fight tonight. The only thing I felt like I could do right now was sleep and give energy, however the chances of me sleeping or anything close were very low.
"Why did I ever think I could be happy...?" I asked myself, "it's like no matter what I do... something will happen that takes everything away..."
After letting those words come from my mouth, my mind started to put thoughts in my head about Rantaro. About when I first met him, about how we got together. How we went through so much together, only for this to happen. I really cared about him even if I knew part of me used him to feel better about myself. No matter what I could think of, that thought would still be there.
There was no changing what happened. Even if I thought about all of the good times we had, those times were over, and I knew that. If I had to fight Monokuma with everyone else, the least I could do was take the brunt over what was going to happen.
Like what I was doing when I first got here, I was planning on condensing all of my negative emotions. I couldn't let anyone find out I was back at this point. I couldn't let anyone know what transpired in my own room.
I could feel myself lean back, letting my head hit my mattress. I stared at the ceiling as many thoughts went through my head. There was one thing for sure. I hoped that we could win against Monokuma. If we did... we could get everyone out of here. Rantaro wouldn't need to look in my direction again, neither would Kaito. I slowly closed my eyes, taking deep breaths in and out. In a way, I was trying to prepare myself despite everything.
And... that was how I spent the rest of my free time for the day. In my room alone, trying to find some way to prepare myself. All I really did was lay on my bed with my eyes closed, taking deep breaths to clear my mind. That was what I did to prepare myself. Having alone time to reflect on myself was what helped me.
I heard the sound of the monitor go off, noticing darkness all over the room. I could tell what was going on. The nighttime announcement was right on schedule. The monitor clicked on after the sound went off. At that moment, as soon as the screen loaded... there was something different.
I saw the familiar scene with the champagne chilling in a bucket full of ice. There was shrimp at the table like always. The only thing that was different was the leather chair. Monokuma usually sat in that chair to give *his* announcements, but he was gone.
Nothing was said. After a few moments, the monitor turned off. I felt myself grow confused as well as concerned. Kaito told us to meet him at the gym at nighttime. Monokuma wasn't here for the nighttime announcement, so could that mean...?
"Is the plan somehow comprised...?" I asked, "should I even go to the gym... I know everyone would feel better if I just stayed behind..."
There was a chance Kaito's plan was found out. I knew even if there was a chance, he'd want us to be there. I knew I had to go even if I felt like I was going to be in the way. The only thing I knew of weapons was what I saw in anime. Aside from that, I knew how to take apart a crossbow, curtesy of Maki.
Right now, that didn't matter. If I arrived late, chances are everyone would think that something happened to me. I couldn't worry anyone, and I couldn't let them find out about anything that in my room. Everyone was probably already gathered in the gym. The only way I could save myself from being any later was running there.
That's exactly what I did. I hurried out of the door, and quickly exited the dormitory. I wasn't meeting everyone in the dining hall, so I had to run to the steps that led to the entrance hall. I could feel my heart already pounding in my chest as I hiked up the stairs that led to the double set of doors that led to the entrance hall.
As soon as I got to the door, I opened it, running inside. Running through the halls, I had to go left, then I had to go right, and right again. That led me to the metal door dawning the same pattern as the stairs we had to use to travel to different floors of this school.
I took a moment to catch my breath. I was in such a hurry to get to the gym on time. My heart was racing so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I should've had more stamina at least from the training I did with Kaito.
After letting myself breath, I went through the metal door, running down the hallway. This was easier considering I just had to follow the hallway. The gym was at the end of all of the turns this portion of the hallway had. It took me about thirty seconds to a minute to get there. As soon as I did, I opened the door and walked in.
As soon as I walked in, I hunched myself over, panting as I had my hands on my knees. I could hear slight ringing in my ears as I took deep and harsh breaths. I had a feeling everyone was shocked to see me panting like this, so I put my left hand up, putting the index finger of that said hand up and the rest of my fingers bended.
I was panting so hard I couldn't catch my breath enough to tell everyone to give me a moment, so the next best thing would be to give a gesture based off of that. I took a few moments to catch my breath, and after that, I stood up straight and looked at everyone.
"S-Sorry about that," I said, panting slightly, "I didn't want to be any later than I already am, so I ran..."
After I said my piece, I decided to take a look around to see if there was anyone missing from the gym. I could see that there was a pile of weapons, Kaito and Maki standing right next to that said pile of weapons. The weapon pile seemed to have an axe, some chainsaws, a survival grade knife, as well as a few spears and some weapons I couldn't pin point.
I could see everyone here. Everyone aside from two people. One of them who wasn't here was Kiyo, and the other one was quite obvious. Kokichi wasn't here either. The fact that Kokichi wasn't here told me he could be planning something. That is what Miu and I discussed earlier today.
"Alright, everyone's here," Kaito said, "I hope you're all ready."
"A-Are those all weapons..?" Shuichi asked.
"Y-Yeah..." Kaede replied, "why are there so many weapons here?"
"So you went to my lab yesterday to find weapons to use against Monokuma," Maki stated.
"Yeah, that's right," Kaito replied with a smile, "anyway, let's get started! You guys better be ready!"
Ah..." Tsumugi muttered nervously, "you don't mean ready to die, right?"
"Gonta won't let that happen," Gonta stated, "if things go south, Gonta will fight for friends."
"We are going to fight and win!" Kaito exclaimed, "there's no need to worry when it's that obvious!"
"Ready to fight...and win..." Himiko muttered.
"H-Himiko why do you sound so unsure?" Tenko asked, "it breaks my heart to see you this..."
"We challenged him a bunch of times, but it never worked out, right?" Kaito asked in response, "that's because...we gave up."
I knew Kaito was right about that. Every time we wanted to get out of here... either someone was close to death, or there was some sort of motive that changed our hearts. The only thing was that no one has truly died here yet. That was the only thing going for us.
"This time, we can't give up!" Kaito exclaimed, "every close death revelation for everyone involved was a wake up call! This is our final chance! If we don't do this now, someone could really die! We can't take advantage of a supposed miracle! We have to earn our lives! That's why we're gonna beat up Monokuma and end this ridiculous killing ga—"
"What a coinkydink—I was planning on ending this killing game, too," I heard a mischievously playful voice laugh, cutting Kaito off.
Kaito was trying to get us in the mindset of winning this so called fight with Monokuma. The voice however that cut Kaito off was an all too familiar voice. A familiar voice that belonged to someone that Kaito told everyone to ignore.
Upon hearing the voice of that said person, every single one of us spun around on a dime. Once we all turned around to face the newcomer, I felt I already knew who it was... *Him*...
And sure enough, I was right. Kokichi had himself leaning on a dolly that was most likely from the storage room. He had a wide smile on his face as he held up some sort of pink thing in his hands. His line of sight was directed at everyone stationed in the room. I had no idea how I didn't notice him entering the gym. The dolly would've made a noise, so this was a surprise to me.
"K-Kokichi!" I exclaimed in shock.
"Y'know..." Kokichi trailed off in response, "I was also thinking about how to end this killing game as soon as possible."
"You little—!" Kaito shouted angrily, "what are you—!"
"I wouldn't move if I were you," Kokichi stated, cutting off Kaito once more, "at least, if you don't wanna become this li'l guy's prey."
"Th-That's..." Kaede muttered nervously.
"Is that a bomb?" Maki asked.
"A-a-a bomb!?" Himiko exclaimed in response.
"So, that degenerate thinks he can have the upper hand with a bomb, huh!?" Tenko exclaimed, "you just got a meeting with my iron clad fists you damn degenerate!"
"You fuckin' psychopath!" Miu shouted, "I fuckin' knew you'd try and ruin our plan! I should've beat your ass, but I guess there's still time!"
"Ah, ah, ah~" Kokichi replied, "like I said before, you don't want to be in the way of this li'l guy."
"You damn degenerate..." Tenko muttered, "is that really a bomb...?"
"Yup, it's exactly that," Kokichi replied, "which means... If you don't wanna be blown to pieces, then you need to listen to what I'm about to tell you."
Those words shook me to the core. Kokichi was really trying to hold all of us at gun point...well bomb point. I had no idea if he was being serious or not, but chances were... he was.
We were all staring at Kokichi, waiting for him to tell us what he had to say. Some of the group however was surprising their anger and rage towards Kokichi, most likely to keep them safe. Kokichi was silent for a few moments as we all waited.
"Wait, what was I going to tell you?" Kokichi asked.
Even though the moment was tense and I was scared of what Kokichi was planning at this point, but him asking what he was about to say to us made me deadpan at him. Sometimes, I couldn't even keep up with Kokichi.
"You were the one who is fuckin' threatening to blow us up if we don't listen to you!" Miu shouted, "how the hell can you not remember what you were about to say!?"
"Exactly!" Himiko exclaimed angrily, "y-you're the one who said it!"
"Gonta can protect friends if Kokichi try anything," Gonta said with an angry expression full of flare.
In response to Gonta's words, Kokichi simply placed his other hand on the top of the said bomb, putting his hand in the position to activate it. I could feel myself start to tremble in response to that.
"I meant what I said," Kokichi replied, "don't test me..."
"You little—!" Kaito exclaimed angrily, "what are you gonna do with that bomb!?"
"Oh, yeeeeah," Kokichi replied, "I was gonna tell you my purpose."
We all were still waiting on Kokichi to speak about what his so called purpose was. The dangerous glint in his eyes, the fact that he was carrying some kind of bomb. I knew he was serious and I couldn't help but feel terrified of what he was going to say next.
"Y'know how it says in the rules that the killing game will continue until there's only two people left?" Kokichi asked, "but it never mentioned anything about how many you can kill, right?"
"Wait, what...?" I asked nervously.
"So, here's a question for everyone..." Kokichi replied with a mischievous grin, "who wants to survive with me? Just the two of us?"
I could feel my eyes widen in response to those words. I could feel a sense of horror evade my thought process as Kokichi said that. How could he even ask something like that. He was asking us who wanted to survive, letting everyone else die.
"I-It can't be..." Tsumugi stuttered nervously, "you..."
"Are you planning to kill us all with that bomb!?" Himiko exclaimed.
"I won't let him do that!" Tenko shouted, "even if I get blown to bits, I won't rest until Himiko is safe!"
"You plan on ending the killing game is..." Kaito muttered with a horrified expression.
"I thought maybe is should kill eeeeveryone!" Kokichi exclaimed in response to Kaito, "except for me and, like, one other person.
"Kill everyone!?" Kaede exclaimed.
"K-Kokichi you can't kill everyone!" I exclaimed.
"But, my beloved (y/n)~" Kokichi trailed off, "if I did that, I'd be able to end the killing game and still abide by school rules, right?"
I was in complete and utter shock. I couldn't believe he was saying this with a grin on his face. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, considering what he said about Gonta behind his back. I was still horrified that Kokichi was actually holding us at bomb point.
"...Well then, who wants to live?" Kokichi asked, "it's first come, first serve! On the count of three, first one to raise their hand wins! If no one wants to raise their hand, I'd be happy to pick someone out instead!"
I was starting at Kokichi with a horrified look in my eyes as he said those words. The way he was being cheerful about holding all of our lives on the line. He wanted someone to raise their hand to volunteer, but when he mentioned that he'd pick someone if no one wanted to... his eyes seemed to scan everyone, before they landed directly at me. He was singling me out and I knew it. What was wrong with him?
"Q-Quit screwing around!" Kaito shouted in protest, "who'd ever agree to that plan!?"
"I defiantly wouldn't..." Rantaro muttered, "I'd rather die than win with the likes of someone like you..."
When I heard Rantaro's voice I couldn't help but look down, feeling the urge to break down. I had to stay strong. I just had to. I couldn't let anyone see anymore weakness from me, including Kokichi. I couldn't let anyone know that I was getting weaker.
"Even if you threaten to destroy me, I have no intention of being manipulated by you," Keebo stated.
"I-I'm scared of dying..." Himiko muttered, "but nothing good will come from surviving with you."
"Even if I have to draw my last breath, I'd rather die with Himiko then ever survive with a degenerate like you," Tenko added.
"I...would never want to survive with someone who continuously manipulates Gonta..." Tsumugi said.
"Gonta no longer let Kokichi manipulate him," Gonta stated.
"Awww," Kokichi muttered looking down, "even Gonta doesn't trust me... can't you see all that I did for you to try and get everyone to understand?"
"But what about what you said after?" Kaede asked, "you told everyone terrible things about Gonta, so you are in no position to act like the victim in all of this! I wouldn't be able to survive this with you... I'd rather escape with everyone."
"...Honestly, I'd rather kill you, Kokichi," Maki stated with a glare in her eyes.
"You fuckin' said it Maki!" Miu exclaimed, "I'd rather kill that psycho too!"
"I don't want anyone to be hurt or killed," I stated, "but I'm not going to do what you say, Kokichi... I'd rather sacrifice myself in order to give everyone a fighting chance..."
"...Even rejected by my beloved..." Kokichi seemed to mutter to himself.
"Kokichi, while I don't approve of (y/n) sacrificing her life for all of ours, you just don't seem to get what we're saying," Shuichi stated, "we're not going to do what you want—"
"Wooow, what a surprise," Kokichi said in response, "I didn't think this would go *exactly* as I predicted."
I could feel myself grow confused. Kokichi was sarcastically saying that it was a surprise. Things were supposedly going *exactly* as he planned. I had no idea what he meant by that, but it seemed like I would soon find out.
Hello all! This update is quite the doozy. I've been a bit sick most of the week, but I hope I delivered well.
Trigger warning in this chapter, and hopefully this is the last one for self harm at least. A good part of my is uncomfortable writing stuff like that, but I'm trying to exceed my comfort zone in a way.
In any case, things are really progressing. I think we all know what's going to happen soon. To the lot of you Kokichi fans, your time is coming! Just be patient with me.
As said though, have an amazing weekend, and things get better from here. Ciao for now- yuki_no_fuyu
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