THIS CHAPTER MENTIONS SELF HARM IN QUITE A LOT OF DETAIL. I AM WARNING YOU NOW

Dan was tossing and turning on the sofa as he couldn't sleep. He could hear soft snores coming from Phil and Noah's general direction and that made him feel even worse. He couldn't stop thinking about Phil and how much he wished Noah wasn't there to get in between Dan and Phil. He was really sad and his mind was going eccentric.

For some reason, he found himself thinking about something he hadn't done since 2009.

He panicked, he really did. That was how he ended up standing beside Phil and Noah's bed, his whole body shaking. "Phil?" He mumbled, secretly praying that Phil would be the one to wake up and not Noah. Sadly, his prayers weren't answered.

"Dan? What are you doing?" Noah mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

"I need Phil. Please, I need him.. I-" Dan was struggling to breathe and he was panicking so much because he needed some release but he couldn't because then he would break his clean streak and ruin everything. His mind was spinning and Noah was just watching him, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Why do you need him? It's literally three in the morning, can it not wait?"

"No, please, I can't-" Dan then started to cry and he knew he was being pathetic but he really couldn't help it. He was going to go crazy if he didn't get the release he needed.

"Dan?" A small voice mumbled, before Phil was sitting up. "Are you okay?" His voice was full of sleepiness but that didn't even phase Dan. He needed someone to hug him and tell him he would be okay and that he didn't need the blade at all.

"I want to do it! I want to hurt myself!" Dan sobbed before putting his head into his hands.

"Dan, come here." Dan allowed himself to be enveloped into Phil's embrace (the hug was extremely weird as Dan was standing and Phil sitting but it still helped calm Dan down a little bit). "You're going to be okay. Can you tell me why you want to do it? Is there a reason? Has something happened?"

"I can't tell you." Dan wailed, his whole body trembling as he buried his head into Phil's chest.

"No, don't cry. It's okay.. Noah, is it okay if you sleep on the sofa? It's just for tonight, I just don't want Dan to be alone."

For once, Noah actually nodded without thinking.

-

Dan woke up in someone's arms and he actually felt satisfied for a moment until he remembered the context. He slowly slipped out of Phil's arms and pulled himself out of bed. He saw that Noah was awake and playing on his phone. "Noah, I'm really sorry about last night." Dan mumbled, making Noah look up to meet Dan's eyes.

"You owe me." He responded in nothing but a monotone before returning to his game.

"I know."

"One more move like that and I'll tell Phil."

"Please, no. He can't know. I'll do anything for him not to know.. anything."

"Well," Noah then stood up so he was towering over Dan (yes, Noah was actually taller than Dan Howell). "Then do us all a favour and hurt yourself."

"You can't actually mean-"

"Phi-" Noah began to shout but Dan leant forward and clasped his hand over his mouth before he could finish.

"Fine! Just please, don't tell him!"

And that was how Dan ended up locked inside the hotel bathroom, a ripped apart razor in front of him. He picked up the blade before studying it slightly.

He was about to break a six-year-clean streak, all because he had been keeping a stupid secret. Dan squeezed his eyes shut before pressing the blade against his wrist. He wasn't proud of it.

As soon as Dan pulled back, he gasped as realisation settled in. Tears filled his eyes and he couldn't bear to see the blood. He was so ashamed but weirdly, he felt so much better.

He then pressed the blade against his arm again but this time, he didn't pull back as quickly.

-

"Where's Dan?" Phil asked, rubbing his eyes and sitting up in the bed.

"Not sure. I think he went to the toilet or something." Noah mumbled, barely lifting his head up from his phone.

"And you let him go on his own after what happened last night? Noah, you're such an idiot!" Phil immediately jumped up and practically ran towards the bathroom. "Dan! Are you in there?" Phil knocked on the door multiple times, each knock louder than the one before.

"Yeah?" Dan responded after the third knock. Phil was quick to notice the waver in his voice and he immediately jumped to a conclusion.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Can you come out then?"

"Yeah. Just give me a second." Phil heard some rustling inside the room before the door opened slowly.

"Can you roll up your sleeves?"

"Why?"

"You know why, Dan." Phil's voice was so gentle and it made Dan regret what he was about to say.

"Do you not trust me?"

"I do trust you. I just care about your safety and want to make sure you haven't done anything."

"I haven't."

"Then show me." Phil slowly reached out and grabbed Dan's arm gently. He noticed Dan wince. "Dan, you didn't.." Phil rolled up Dan's sleeve as gently as possible to reveal a series of cuts. Brand new cuts.

"I'm sorry."

"We have a show later and you know the venue will be boiling hot.. what are you going to do?" Phil whispered, meeting Dan's eyes just so he couldn't see the cuts.

"Wear a jumper. I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Dan, next time.. speak to me."