Chapter 34 | New

"Lukan," my mother called me.

I breathed in and sat properly.

"I heard what you did," she started.

I kept my eyes on the ground. Wala na akong mukha pang maihaharap sa mga taong nadamay at napahiya ng aking kasalanan.

"Dominiko Zorron filed you a case, Ero did things to cover you," mom informed me.

Saka lamang ako nagtaas ng tingin. Ero the fucking Entel saved me, huh? Ang hirap paniwalaang tunay iyon sapagkat alam ko naman ang rason sa likod ng kanyang kabutihan. If only he was real enough, I'd even beg for him to be my father.

"Lukan, bakit ka naman humantong sa gano'ng punto?" mom strictly asked me.

"Kung natakas mo nga si Mia, saan mo siya dadalhin, ha? For heaven's sake, Lukan! Hindi si Ero ang sisira sa buhay mo, e, ikaw mismo," she added.

I swallowed and accepted my mother's words.

"Wala ka pang napapatunayan, wala ka pang naaabot. Anong ipapakain mo kay Mia kung ngayon ay magkasama nga kayo, ha? Clearly, you aren't thinking straight," mom told me.

"Ikaw ang lalaki, dapat mas inintindi mo ang kalagayan ni Mia—"

"Ma, inintindi ko naman... hindi ko nga alam kung nagkulang pa ba ako sa parteng iyan. Siya ang unang nag-alok na magkita kaming pasikreto at magsabi ng totoo sa kanyang ama. I'm not blaming her pero, ma, inintindi ko siya," I cut in because I couldn't stay silent about this.

"Hindi ko naman siya pinangunahan at sinunod ko lang ang gusto niya—"

"Ikaw, wala ka bang sariling utak para magsabing mali ang ginawa ninyo? Blaming yourself or Mia won't solve anything, just admit it and stop justifying your mistakes using the word love!"

"I was busy for the past months acting shit in front of the Entels and covering us while you? What did you do? You almost got yourself into a trouble you'd never escape!" Mom bursted.

I got silent.

"Lukan, hindi kita pinagbawalan kay Mia pero kung ganito ka kung umibig, baka hindi ko na mapigilang hindi mangi-alam upang hindi ka muling maligaw ng landas. Nagulat ako, alam mo ba 'yon? Noong sinabi sa akin ni Ero ang muntik mo ng pagkuha kay Mia ay hindi ako agad naniwala... kasi anak kita, kilala kita... hindi ka gano'n, 'di ba?" mom said to me.

"Tama na muna, Lukan. Tutuloy tayo sa pag-alis sa Pebrero at lahat ng ito, iiwanan natin rito. Ito ang huli nating pag-uusap tungkol sa nangyari. I hope you can also reflect on what happened instead of being sentimental of the love you'd lost," sabi sa akin ni mama, puno ng otoridad.

I lost communication of my friends too. They were ordered not to see each other for awhile. Kailangan munang humupa ng issue bago muling bumalik sa dati... kung maibabalik pa.

Nadamay sila sapagkat kasama ko noong gabing iyon. They fought individually to protect themseleves... hindi ko napigilang mas sisihin pa ang aking sarili sapagkat pati ang kanilang pamilya ay nadamay.

I couldn't remember how I survived the remaining months of my grade twelve year. Parang ihip ng hangin kung lumipas ang lahat ngunit nanatili akong lubog at hindi maka-angat.

"Lukan, kakain na," mom excitingly announced.

"Sige, ma, susunod ako," I told her.

I couldn't remember myself fond of fireworks, only this new year I focused and didn't blink on them. They lit up the dark sky and boomed the earth for quite a while.

Mga torotot na sakit sa tainga ngunit nagbigay ng magandang panimula sa unang umaga. Mga taong sumaya dulot ng mga kulay na naghalo sa kanilang mga mata.

I was never been this observant but I tried... watching everyone. Before, my eyes were only for her... now, I wanted to explore my sight to see different angles of life... to identify real things rather than imagining them as a dream.

I got a final call from the embassy to clarify things. I was sure of myself I had been doing things smoothly according to the plan kaya laking gulat ko nang sa aking paglabas ng embassy ay nakita ko si Gierro, tila ba hinintay ako.

"Aalis ka rin?" the first thing he asked me.

"Alam mo?" tanong ko rin pabalik.

Halos apat na buwan din naming hindi nakita ang isa't isa.

"Hindi ko alam, Lukan. Hindi ka naman nagsabi sa amin noon," he answered me.

"Bakit ka nandito?" I asked him.

"I had an appointment, an hour earlier than yours. Paalis ka na noong napansin kitang dumating. I waited for you to come out to ask," he explained.

"Can I just explain things inside your car?" I asked him.

"Hindi mo naman kailangang magpaliwanag. Aalis ka nga, iyon ang sagot, 'di ba?" he said back instead.

I nodded.

"Why didn't you tell us earlier?"

"Bawal. I needed to stay low," I answered.

Gierro nodded as if he understood.

"Get in," he ordered me.

Pumasok ako sa kanyang sasakyan at gano'n din ang kanyang ginawa.

"Kailan ang alis mo?" he asked as he started the engine.

"Sa February, malapit na. Kasama ko si mama sa pag-alis. We planned this escape noon pa man. Kinailangan kong itago para hindi malaman ni—"

"Ero," si Gierro ang nagtuloy.

Nakuha naman niya pala.

"Saan kayo tutungo? Aalis din kasi ako... because of my family issues. I decided to move out, be independent, sa California," Gierro said.

"Diyan din kami," I answered him.

"Hindi na ako magugulat kung pareho rin tayo ng papasukang unibersidad," he said.

I told him the name of the university where my uncle got me in and it happened he also got admitted there.

"Tatapusin mo muna ang senior high year mo rito, kung gano'n?" I asked him.

"Oo tapos diretso layas na ako," he chuckled as he answered.

"May balita ka kina Fred at Olivver?" I asked him a different topic.

"Wala, 'di pa rin sila reachable," Gierro answered.

"Pasensya na nga pala sa nangyari," I tried to sound casual to lessen the drama.

I had enough drama.

"Ayos lang 'yon, pinili rin naming tumulong," Gierro told me.

"Sa... simbahan mo pala ako ibaba. I'll just pray for a while. Medyo... matagal na rin mula noong mag-isa akong nanampalataya," I informed Gierro.

Nag-usap pa kami ni Gierro tungkol sa plano namin sa aming buhay hanggang sa nakarating kami sa simbahan.

"Salamat, Gierro, kita kits na lang sa America," I said in between my chuckles.

"Ayos, sa America pa nga tayo magkikita," natatawang sabi ni Gierro.

Binuksan ko ang pintuan ng sasakyan upang makalabas. Nang na sa labas na ako ay pina-una kong umalis si Gierro bago pumasok sa lumang gate ng simbahan.

I took the chance to observe every details of it too... this would be the last time I'd visit the place I grew up in. I slowly opened the gate and walked inside the empty church.

Walang nagsisimba sapagkat walang misa ngayong araw. The place was quiet, holy and peaceful, far from the reality of terror and conflicts.

I officially left the sacristans before November ended. I had to let it go because a long new journey awaited me.

I decided to pray on the fourth row. Hindi ako nagdalawang isip lumuhod at ipikit ang mga mata. I held both of my hands and bowed my head as I started talking with the Almighty.

I told Him everything, from the day my view of life changed, when I doubted myself until the previous problem I involved myself in.

Maybe the reason why I couldn't move on as months passed was because I never opened up to Him... I didn't consider telling and admitting my sins to Him.

Hindi ako iba sa karamihan dahil tulad nila, madalas ay kinaka-usap lamang ang Diyos tuwing may kailangan but I didn't wish for anything this time... I only told him the things that bothered me for quite a long period.

When I mentioned my mother on my prayer, my tears couldn't stop themselves anymore. The feeling I tried so hard to keep bursted as I let Him knew of it. I let them flow down my cheeks, I felt how warm they affected me.

Hindi ko na rin tanda ang huling beses kong pag-iyak sapagkat kinailangan kong maging matatag. Iba nga lang ngayon sa harap ng Diyos, hindi ko kailangang magkunwari sapagkat siya lamang ang nakakikilala sa akin ng lubos.

I knew people won't forgive me but he could. He could still love me despite all of the mistakes I committed.

Hindi ko batid kung ilang minuto akong nagdasal sapagkat ginamit ko iyon upang masabi ang lahat sa Kanya. I did the final sign of the cross and gently pulled myself up to sit.

"Mukhang... marami kang ibinahagi sa Diyos Ama."

I immediately turned my head around to see father.

"Father, kanina pa po kayo?" I asked him.

"Oo, napansin ko kasing may pumasok, akala ko ay bisita..." he answered while walking toward me.

He let himself sat next to me and I didn't mind.

"How are you feeling?" father asked me.

"After talking to Him? Delighted," I answered shortly.

Father nodded before he spoke, "Mabuti at naisipan mo, Lukan, na maglaan ng oras dumalo."

"I have something to ask you too," father told me.

"Ano po iyon?"

"Give me an event of your life that you consider as bad," he ordered me.

"When I... lost my scholarship," I answered.

"Then tell me the next positive event you experienced after it."

Inisip ko muna kung ano nga ba ang naging magandang pangyayari pagtapos no'n.

"Someone sponsored me," I realized.

"Tell me another event you consider bad," father commanded.

"When my father talked to me. He tried taming me by taking advantages of my situation."

"But?" father asked me to continue or say something positive connected to it.

"Sinabayan ko ang kanyang gusto sa paglipas ng mga taon. Siya ang naging dahilan kung bakit ngayon ay hindi ako napahamak sa nagawang gulo," I answered, almost a whisper.

"I let our young love go but... bigger oppurtunities are waiting for me ahead," I realized again.

"You see, Lukan, the things we consider bad is sometimes not that bad after all," father told me.

"It's easy for us to develop negative mind sets when something, we assume, bad happens."

"There were many people who encountered failures and losses but those experiences became their greatest teachers... those things they considered bad transformed them to be better."

"I want you to realize it to somehow change your perspective of negativity... and I'm rooting for you, Lukan," father told me.

I smiled and nodded.

"Just keep holding on," father and I said in unison.

🌹

"Hi, new student!" a woman greeted and sat beside me.

Unang araw ko sa unibersidad at wala akong kakilala, ayos lang naman dahil understood at bago lamang ako.

Mula kaninang pagpasok ay walang pumapansin sa akin bukod sa babaeng ito. Her hair was blond, I wasn't sure if it was natural or colored but it suited her. She wore short clothes but I shrugged her outfit off dahil wala namang issue sa akin ang sinusuot ng kababaihan.

"I'm Trinity Selezter, you are Lukan Fortelleza, right?" she asked me.

"Uh, yes. How did you know?" tanong ko pabalik, hinasa ko na ang Ingles ko para sa ganito.

"My mother's close to professor Tony, he's your uncle, right?" she answered me.

Wow, what a small world.

"Okay?"

Trinity laughed at my reaction and said, "I assume you're still adjusting here. Don't worry, the people around mean no harm."

I only stared at her as she casually talked to me.

"And I mean no harm. I just want to be close to you, I'm also half Filipino. My father's the Filipino one," pagkuwento ni Trinity.

Wala akong masabi.

"Do you know the language though?" tanong ko na lamang, kunwari ay may ambag.

"Of course! I'm fluent, akala mo hindi?" she stated.

"Marunong ka naman pala, pinahirapan mo pa akong mag-English," I joked.

She again laughed, parang lahat na lang ng sasabihin at gagawin ko ay nakatatawa sa kanya.

"So, Lukan, pure blooded Pinoy ka ba?" she asked me.

Seriously, why were we talking about this?

"Ang alam ko ay may halong dugong Espanyol kami—"

"Wow!"

"Uh, yes, wow," I awkwardly said back, "I can see you're really hyper around Filipinos."

Trinity chuckled and said, "I just love Filipinos even when I haven't been in the Philippines. My father's Filipino stories amaze me. Lagi niya akong kinukuwentuhan noong... buhay pa siya."

Oh.

"But I'm okay now kahit dead na si papa. His stories remain with me," she quickly added.

I nodded and smiled at her.

"Dito ka ipinanganak at lumaki?" I tried asking to know her too.

"Yes, ikaw?"

"Gano'n din, sa Pilipinas nilabas at namuhay," I answered her with humor.

"I really have something to tell you... since we're both Filipino naman," she started.

"What?" I asked.

Kakikita lamang namin ay may sasabihin agad siya.

"Let's have sex," she directly said to me.

I raised both of my brows and tried looking around to avoid her gaze.

"Pardon?"

"Let's have sex, Lukan," she offered me.

I chuckled when I fully realized her statement. So much for a newbie, huh?

"No, sorry," I politely declined, "hindi na ako nag-gaganyan."

She pouted yet convinced me more, "Sige na, please? We're both Filipino naman—"

"Anong connect kung pareho tayong Pinoy?" natatawa kong tanong.

"Wala, less tension para sa tulad kong first timer," she answered.

I laughed that made her frown, "Bakit mo 'ko tinatawanan?"

"Wala, natutuwa lang ako sa 'yo. Marami namang willing na Kano riyan sa paligid—"

"Ayaw ko, 'no. Mga feeling cool saka turn off sa kanila ang virgin pa or walang karanasan, baka hindi lang pansinin offer ko," Trinity cut me off.

"Why do you want to have sex anyway?" I asked.

"For experience, duh! Magd-doktor ako, Lukan. I can't stay in relationships and I can't stay virgin, hoy!" she answered me with so much emotion.

"At least let me experience the pleasure! Nag-practice pa akong mag-moan para 'di ka ma-umay," she added.

I only laughed at her statements.

"Hanap ka na lang ng ibang Pinoy, Trinity. Hindi ko talaga gawain ang ganyan," I told her.

"Sure? P'wedeng free trial muna tapos—"

"Hindi nga talaga, Trinity," natatawa kong pagtanggi.

"Hm! I bet may girlfriend ka sa Philippines, 'no, kaya ka faithful? Wait, may girlfriend ka ba? Hindi muna ako nagtanong, sorry! Nauna pa ang sex question," she panicked.

I chuckled and answered, "Wala kaya 'wag kang kabahan. Hindi ko lang talaga iyan gawain, sorry. May kakilala akong kaibigang Pinoy din at dito nag-aaral. Pro 'yon—"

"Professional?" manghang tanong ni Trinity.

"Hindi, prostitute," I joked.

"Ano nga?" natatawa niyang tanong.

"Basta Pilipino rin at sport sa ganyang bagay. Kung gusto mong makilala, sabihan mo lang ako—"

"Gusto ko, now na!"

I chuckled and swayed my head.

"Seryoso ka ba? Hindi ka man lang nao-offend dahil irereto kita sa kaibigan ko para makipag-sex?"

"Hindi, gusto ko naman," she quickly answered, "saka I know this kind of games. Noong buhay pa si papa, hindi niya ako ever pinayagang lumapit sa boys. I want to explore now, na sa tamang edad na rin naman ako."

Tumango na lamang ako at inintindi ang kanyang gusto.

"Sure, sige, pakilala kita mamaya sa kanya," I said to her.

She clapped like a sea lion out of happiness. That was how my first day of college started.

Kaya nang nag-break time ay kasama ko si Trinity sa napag-usapan naming kitaan ni Gierro.

"Guwapo ba, Lukan?" she kept on asking me.

"Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo? Lalaki ako, hindi ko alam kung guwapo ba ang gagong 'yon," I answered her.

"Ano ba 'yan? Don't you compliment each other?" she innocently asked.

I laughed but a scene from the past showed itself inside my head and reminded me of her.

"We don't compliment each other, bihira lang at tuwing pinupuri namin ang isa't isa ay may halong kagaguhan pa," I answered her and tried avoiding the sudden attack of the memories.

"Sige, ako na lang huhusga sa kanya kung guwapo ba," ani Trinity.

"Seriously, kahit kiss hindi ka pa nakatikim?" I asked her, hindi naman kailangan ni Trinity ng sugarcoated words.

"Hindi pa nga," malungkot niyang sagot.

"Kawawa ka naman," I joked.

Tinampal niya ang aking braso at sinabing, "Kapag ako naging pro kisser, who you ka sa akin."

I laughed at her statement but her face remained competitive.

"You look like a baby finding a daddy—"

"Hindi na ako baby, okay? Bakit ba ganyan ang iniisip ninyo? I even colored my hair blond para mas matured looking!" she attacked me.

"Grabe? Hindi naman kita tinuturing na baby. Natutuwa lang talaga ako sa 'yo," I told her.

"Kanina ka pa natutuwa sa akin, ha? Sure kang ayaw mo talaga?" banat niya.

I chuckled and answered, "Hindi magbabago ang isip ko, Trinity."

"Sayang, guwapo ka pa naman," she said, "saka feeling ko magaling ka."

"Wala talagang preno 'yang bibig mo, ano?" natatawa kong tukso.

"What's your size by the way?" she asked me loudly.

The people didn't mind our topic which relieved me. Kung na sa Pilipinas kami ay paniguradong pinagtitinginan na kami.

"Talagang gusto mong malaman?" natatawa kong tanong.

"Feeling ko malaki, e," sabi niya na tila ba isang lecture ang aming pinag-uusapan.

I chuckled and told her, "I won't tell you, then."

"Duga! E 'yong kaibigan mo? Nakita mo na ba?" she asked me.

"No, hindi ko sinisilipan ang mga 'yon, that's invading their privacy," I said.

"Ang bait mo naman, mas nat-turn on ako sa 'yo. Ayaw mo ba talaga?"

Sasagot na sana ako nang nakita si Gierro, nakatayo sa gilid ng isang poste.

"Nakita ko na ang kaibigan ko, tara," sabi ko kay Trinity.

"Saan?"

"Hanapin mo! Lilinaw naman 'yang mata mo kapag nakakita ng guwapo," I joked.

"E ikaw nga lang ang guwapong nakikita ko," banat niya muli.

"Gierro," tawag ko sa kaibigan.

Agad naman siyang lumingon at tumayo ng maayos. Na sa gilid ko pa rin si Trinity ngunit hindi na ngayon makapagdaldal.

"May ipakikilala ako," I told Gierro, "this is Trinity Selezter, a new friend."

Both of them stared at each other and didn't move. No one talked and it felt awkward.

"Trinity—"

"I think I'll just get myself a snack, Lukan," she excused herself.

She didn't wait for my answer and immediately walked away.

Anong problema?

"You know each other?" I asked Gierro.

Gierro sighed and answered, "Kind of. Long story."

Oh, that explained it.

"Susundan ko muna si Trinity," I told Gierro.

He nodded and didn't mind my leave.

That was how my first day of college started.