Chapter 32 | Illustrious

"Fortelleza?"

Mabilis kong tinupi ang huling uniporme kong ginamit sa trabaho at pinasok sa aking locker.

"Bakit?" I asked the caller.

"Tawag ka ni ma'am, aabot na yata ang sweldo mo," he answered me.

Nabuhayan ako ng loob at inisip na baka kapag natanggap ko na ang pinaghirapan kong sweldo ay mawawala ang pagod na aking dinadamdam dulot ng pagtrabaho.

"Sige, pupunta na ako," I said back.

I closed my locker and brushed my hair once using my right palm. I hadn't gone to the barber shop since the summer started. My hair grew a bit longer that made me look more matured.

I didn't like this kind of hair style but I needed to save money for the incoming school year and getting my hair cut for P50 wasn't an exception.

Hindi ko batid ang oras ngunit sa aking paglabas ng staff room, tila pa gising ang lahat ng tao sa ganitong oras ng gabi.

I quickly glanced at the customers, some were eating their foods, some were only occupying seats, the lines at the counter were long... the only common in this place were the happy smiles of children and adults.

I walked toward the manager. She was writing things when I came.

"Upo ka, Lukan," she ordered me.

We were far from the happy place and the atmosphere was silent.

I was the youngest crew, they weren't accepting minors but Olivver made things possible for me. The manager knew my personal information as required and she often look at me. I only trained for a week yet I immediately learned things like a pro.

Iba talaga kapag kapos.

My mother, however, knew I was doing part-time jobs but I didn't let her know that this was it. I faked my parent letter, si Gierro pa nga ang pumirma. Alam kong pipigilan ako ni mama sa ganito kaya hindi ko pina-alam, I was sixteen for heaven's sake.

She was doing her best too by working non-stop. Alam kong hindi sapat ang mga kikitain ni mama sa pang-tuition ko kaya naisipan ko na ring magtrabaho.

"Ito na ang sweldo mo ngayong buwan," the manager said to me.

Kinuha niya ang puting sobre mula sa gilid na nagpakinang ng aking mga mata. She handed me the envelope and I immediately opened it to count.

"Salamat po," I said in between of my opening.

Kinuha ko mula sa loob ang mga asul na papel. They looked new, wala pang punit o gusot. I counted the blue bills and the amount felt unsatisfying.

I worked hard for the rest of the month. . . yet I only got eight thousand pesos. . . parang hindi tugma ang hirap at pagod sa nakuha kong sweldo.

"Anong problema?" the manager softly asked me.

I tried smiling to hide my dismay and pain.

Ganito na nga lang siguro. I was a minor, I hadn't reach anything yet, napasok pa ako rito dahil lamang sa kaibigan.

Getting here was a miracle and I knew I should be grateful... but maybe the tiredness already crawled into me to consider other things.

"Wala po," I answered.

"Pasensya na, Lukan, iyan lang talaga ang kaya kong ipa-sweldo sa 'yo. You're below the legal age and things don't always rhym with what you expect," she told me.

"You are hard working and I'm sure you'd soar higher than being a crew in this fast food chain," she said.

I nodded but her words didn't make me feel better. I wasn't sure if I was only tired or I was literally drowning into the darkness.

People said I'd be successful, I'd go beyond this and I had potential on things... ngunit bakit hindi ko makita sa aking sarili ang kanilang mga sinasabi?

Bakit ang hirap? Ang hirap umangat, ang hirap makipagsabayan.

"Tell me, why did you choose to work in the middle of summer? You are sixteen and kids at your age go out to have fun..." she tried asking me.

I sighed.

"I need money for the incoming school year po. Nawala sa akin ang kinakapitan kong scholarship kaya po kailangan kong kumita para sa sarili. My mother is working too but I feel obliged to do something for us... to lessen my mother's worries," I answered honestly with an absent mind.

The manager nodded. We never talked like this before and I felt ashamed of the sudden drama.

"Sa Syru ka nag-aaral, 'di ba?" she asked me.

I nodded as a response.

"I know someone who sponsors outstanding students..." she started, "he's close to my family... I can recommend you."

That made the hope inside me light up.

"T-Talaga po? Salamat..." I couldn't say anything.

She nodded and said, "I'll contact him later as I go home."

"Thank you po talaga, ma'am. I'm also a part of a church, they are willing to help me financially but I declined... iniisip ko po kasing mas kailangan ng orphanage ang halagang iyon..." I said.

"Oh? Wow, you're a part of the church," she reacted, amazed.

"I grew up from the orphanage too po," I informed.

She nodded and asked, "Ano bang pangarap mo sa buhay?"

"To capture the justice my family deserves... at para masuklian ang mga sakripisyo ng aking ina," I answered slowly.

"Wow, I thought you were going to say you want to be an engineer or something... I can feel from your answer the determination inside you. Hold tighter, Mr. Fortelleza," my manager said and smiled afterward.

I smiled back and excused myself to leave.

🌹

Nang nag-Sabado, sabay kaming magkakaibigang nag-register sa school. It was necessary kahit pa kasama na kami sa official list.

"Tangina talaga ni Dorales," Fred cursed the discipline officer who insulted and degraded us.

"Talagang nilagay tayo sa pangit na section ng grade ten, ang puta," Fred ranted more.

"Seryoso?" I asked.

"Oo, tingnan ninyo," Fred took the paper from the student.

Agad kong nakita ang aming mga pangalan at saka lamang pinaniwalaan.

Tangina talaga.

"Ang puta panira ng buhay," I ranted.

Wala kaming choice, nag-register kami roon kahit pa may sama ng loob. We kept on cursing at Dorales as we walked toward a store.

"Kapag nabalik ko talaga ang mga hospital namin, kahit pa 50/50 na 'yang putang 'yan, hinding hindi ko siya pagbibigyan. Automatic na magsasara ang entrance kapag siya ang papasok, gano'n!" I ranted and took a bite of my siomai.

"Kapag ako sumunod sa tatay ko bilang sundalo, siya ang una kong babarilin tapos kunwari napuwing lang ako," Fred joked.

"Kapag ako naging CEO, bibilhin ko 'yang school kasama ang good manners and right conducts ni Dorales," Gierro added too, tinuro pa ang tapat naming Syru University.

"Gago ka," natatawa kong sabi.

"Oh bakit? Sabi siya nang sabi sa ating practice your manners. Nakatatamad 'yon, tol, kaya bibilhin ko na lang ang GMRC niya," Gierro defended.

"Kaya masama ka muna, tol, hangga't hindi ka pa CEO?" Fred asked.

"Oo... sa tingin niya masama ako, e. Sige na lang, masama na ako," natatawang sagot ni Gierro.

We laughed because of our immature imaginations.

"Ikaw, Olivver?" Fred asked, "Oil company kayo, mag-ambag ka naman."

Uminom muna si Olivver ng kanyang palamig bago sumagot, "Sa mukha pa lang ni Dorales mala-oil company na, hindi na ako papatol."

We laughed because of his unexpected insult. Natigil kami sa paghalakhak nang napansin si Dorales lumabas ng school.

"Tingnan ninyo, mukha siyang lumulutang na kwekwek sa damit niyang orange," Gierro joked.

Muntik ko ng mabuga ang aking iniinom dahil doon.

"Tangina naman, Lukan!" Olivver cussed at me.

"Si Gierro 'yon, kasalanan ko bang matawa?"

Pinatanahimik kami ni Fred kaya napatingin ako muli sa harap. Dorales was so near from us, almost a meter away. Ngayon ko lang napagtantong may motor pa lang nag-aabang sa aming harapan.

Plot twist, sundo pala ni Dorales!

"Dad, nahatid mo ba si Shi kanina?" iyon ang narinig namin kay Dorales bago niya suotin ang helmet.

Gago, asawa pa niya 'to.

Tahimik kami hanggang sa naka-alis ang dalawa. Sa sobrang dami naming sinabing insulto kanina, medyo kinabahan ako dahil sa nalaman.

Nang naka-alis ang dalawa, saka kami bumalik sa pagiging maingay.

"Gago!" Fred laughed.

"Ang puta, asawa pala niya ang na sa harapan natin," I said while laughing too.

Kung nalagot man ako, at least kasama ko sila.

"Tingin ninyo narinig tayo no'n?" Olivver asked, natatawa rin.

"Oo, malamang," supladong sagot ni Gierro.

"Ang puta," natatawa naming sabi ni Fred.

"Todo insulto pa tayo, na sa harap na pala natin ang asawa niya," Olivver said between our laughs.

"Hindi naman tayo nagsabi ng pangalan," sabi ko upang maibsan ang tensyon kanina.

"Anong hindi? Olivver mentioned her kanina sa oil company joke!" Fred pointed out.

Okay, p'wede na pala kami muling kabahan.

"Gago, ininsulto ni Gierro kanina ang suot ni Dorales. Malamang nalaman ng asawa niyang siya pala ang pinagkaka-isahan natin buong minuto," sabi naman ni Olivver.

"Paki ko naman sa asawa niya. Masama nga ako, 'di ba?" Gierro sarcastically asked that made us all laugh hard.

🌹

First Sunday of June, maaga akong gumising para sa morning mass.

Balik na muli sa dati ang istilo ng aking buhok at napansin kong maaaring dulot ng walang tigil na trabaho ay lumaki rin ang aking katawan... or maybe it was just puberty hitting me.

Noong Biyernes, opisyal akong umalis sa fast food at naintindihan iyon ng manager. My mother knew about it because she literally saw me working. It took me a lot of explanation to ease her mind. I apologized for lying and the issue ended.

I was silent as the mass started. Lagi akong nakikinig sa misa at alerto sa mga gawain ngunit ngayong umaga, tila magulo ang aking isipan para sa nalalapit na balik eskuwela.

I couldn't buy notebooks and other school shits at malls dahil mahal, hindi rin naman ako palasulat. Kung sa palengke ako bibili upang makamura, malamang ay siksikan... nakatatamad.

I felt frustrated over little things these days. Naiinis ako tuwing iniisip na kahit maliliit na bagay ay nahihirapan akong kunin. Masasabi ko bang tamad ako o sadyang pagod lang ang buong sistema ko?

"Lukan, ikaw na," a co-sacristan woke me up.

Agad akong naalerto at wala sa sariling lumapit sa pari. Tinitigan ako ni father nang ilang sandali at napagtanto kong hindi pala rito ang gagawin... aayusin ko pala ang gamit sa altar.

Humingi ako ng paumanhin at saglit tumingin sa mga tao, mukhang nagulat din sila sa biglaan kong paglapit kay father.

Surprise, ganito ang lutang na sacristan.

Natapos ang misa at nakatatlong mali ako sa mga gawain. Muntik pa akong matapilok sa wire ng microphone sa huli.

Unti-unting kumonti ang tao sa loob ng simbahan kung kaya'y naglibot na ako upang pumulot ng anomang kalat and I also arranged the slanted rows.

"Lukan?" father called me from behind.

"Yes po, father?" I asked back.

I was holding four empty bottles when I turned around to face him.

"Mind talking with me?" he asked me.

I felt pressured. Hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan ang huli kong usap kay father o kahit sa mga madreng minsan nang tumulong sa akin. Hindi ko na rin halos tanda kung kailan ang huli kong dasal sa Panginoon.

"Sige po, ayos lang po," I politely answered.

He nodded.

"Anong bumabagabag sa 'yo? Pansin ko kaninang... parang magulo ang takbo ng iyong isipan," father started.

I seriously didn't prepare to be interviewed, I also planned not to tell things again after the drama on my previous manager... but I couldn't help it.

Pakiramdam ko, kung hindi ko na naman ito mailalabas ay babalik ako sa dati. . . sa dating Lukan na kilalang alcoholic, sa dating Lukan na magaling manggago ng iba.

It was so hard walking at the shit we called life when different temptations were all around... maraming mas madadali ngunit masasamang gawain upang tumaas o kumita ng pera. May mga bumubulong pa minsang tumigil ka na at sukuan ang tama.

"Hindi ko maipaliwanag, father," I honestly answered.

I didn't know if I was really confused or I was just making things up inside my head.

"Parang... lahat na lang kasi ng bagay mahirap abutin. Ginagawa ko naman ang lahat pero parang hindi ko maramdamang iyon ay sapat. I don't see any improvements on myself and on my life... parang hindi ako umuusad," I described my thoughts.

"Then there's the word worry bothering me. I now worry to do things because I'm scared to be accused wrongly again... pero kahit wala akong gawin, ang tingin na sa akin ng mga tao ay masama. Alam mo 'yon, father?" I added.

"Hindi ko sigurado kung tinatamad na ba akong mabuhay o sadyang pansamantala lamang akong pagod. It seems like I can't rest because I need to survive. My mother isn't getting any younger and I'm a man for heaven's sake. I must not just overthink stuffs or be emotional, I need to act tough," sabi ko pa.

"Pakiramdam ko, kapag nagpahinga ako ay malaking kawalan ang magiging epekto sa akin. Sayang sa oras at sayang sa panahon... nakatatak na kasi sa aking isipan, father, na kung gusto mong umangat ay huwag kang titigil," I confessed.

"I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say, I told you, father... it's hard to explain..." I hopelessly said.

"Kung gusto mong umangat ay huwag kang titigil," father repeated the sentence like analyzing it.

I swallowed and looked down.

"Lukan, you have the courage that can lead you to excel and stand out from below but you also have a very busy mind that can pull you down low," father said to me.

I didn't say anything.

"I can feel you are pressured of your surrounding..." he told me.

I nodded because it was also the truth.

"You're doing your best but you have an inside thought saying it isn't enough, am I right?" he asked me.

"Opo," I immediately answered.

"Lukan, there's more to life than trying to control the future. I know things are pressuring you as you grow older but see clearly that they aren't helping you to become better. Stop assuming that you'll mess things when you try and do something right," he said to me.

"At Lukan, stop is different from the word rest. Even men need time for themselves to figure things out. How can you act well if there's something else bothering you? Slow down," father said to me.

"You are far too distracted to be doing anything else. Take your time, evaluate and go beyond what's disturbing you. These challenges are only temporary that can be solved along the way," he added.

I listened to every words he shared to me.

"No one's pressuring you, it is your mind hovering you. Sometimes, the answer is staring at you but you're too distracted to see it. Rest, calm down and breathe, Lukan."

"And about your issues with the people, don't mind how strangers see you. Thinking their opinions will just complicate the situation more. Madali nating pinaniniwalaan ang nakikita lamang kaysa maghanap pa ng ibang kaalaman..."

Finally, I looked up to father.

"You have nothing to prove, you have nothing to worry about... as long as your integrity is intact, your soul remains pure. You're still young, Lukan and you'll discover more along the way," father sincerely said to me.

I nodded and genuinely smiled at father.

"Lastly, stop the mind set that you need to survive. Instead, start living, Lukan."

"Thank you po... I'll use the remaining days before school to rest and calm myself," I said but really, I'd do it.

Thinking things exhausted the shit out of me and convincing myself that I was fine was suffocating. Who was I kidding, of course, I was tired.

May sasabihin pa sana ako kay father nang tumawag ang aking ina. I excused myself to answer the call.

"Ma, bakit?" I asked.

"Lukan, alam kong ayaw mo itong gawin pero pumunta ka sa Entel ngayon," mom answered me.

"Why?"

"Ero has something to tell. Wala ako roon ngayon at na sa part-time ako. I also have something to say pero mamaya na lamang tayo mag-usap pagkatapos mong bumisita sa mga Entel," mom continuously said.

🌹

Kailanman ay hindi ko na muling binalak bumalik sa kanilang tahanan. Entering their territory was like going into a villain's trap.

Nakatayo akong naghintay kay Ero Entel at kahit anong alok sa akin ng mga katulong ay hindi ko tinanggap.

When I saw the devil nearing me, I breathed in.

"Bakit ninyo 'ko pinapunta rito?" masungit kong tanong.

"Have a seat—"

"Hindi na ako magtatagal. Anong kailangan ninyo sa 'kin?" I dismissed him.

My father, as what he said, grinned.

"You changed. Balita ko ay laking simbahan ka—"

"Doesn't matter. Diretsuhin ninyo na lang—"

"I will support your financial needs until college. Nawalan ka ng scholarship, iyon ang balita," he stated that silenced me for a while.

"Tutulungan ko rin kayong maibalik ang Fortelleza Mansion. I'll provide you and your mother two billion pesos or even a higher price," he added.

Natigilan ako. Those sounded great and fucking helpful, actually... kung hindi ko lang alam na may masamang intensyon ang lalaking ito ay pumayag na ako. If only he was really sincere and kind... but who was I kidding?

"You want the Fortelleza hospitals so bad, huh?" I hissed.

Bahagyang natunaw ang kanyang ngiti sa aking sinabi.

Got you.

"You seriously think I'm that shallow and needy to surrender? Stop taking advantages of our situation—"

"Lukan, I'm doing this as your father—"

"Oh? Don't act use that as an excuse, Ero Entel. Kung tunay mong ginagawa 'to bilang ang aking ama, you would've done this before. You could've treated my mother better. You should've looked for me," I cut in, pissed off.

"I didn't know that your mother got pregnant—"

"But your mission before was to have a child with her, right? Para ikasal kayo? Para ngayon, may hati na kayo sa mga hospital namin," I said back.

"That was my father's plan, not mine!" he shouted at me but I didn't fear him.

He was good at acting and turning tables... but no. Mas matayog ang aking paninindigan.

"Bigyan mo kami ng kung ano-ano pero kailanman, hindi kami tatanaw ng utang na loob," I hissed and walked away from him.

Mom

Kumusta ang usap?

Lukan:
Umalis na ako, hindi ko kayang sikmurain ang mukha niya, ma.

Hindi pa ako tapos sa trabaho, Lukan. Mamaya natin pag-usapan, susunduin kita sa ampunan.

Lukan:
Sige po.

Bumalik ako muli sa ampunan kahit pa hindi naman dito ang binalak kong puntahan.

The nuns greeted me and I politely answered back. There were kids who knew me and wanted me to play with them.

"Mamaya na kayo maglaro nina kuya Lukan, nandito si ate Thera at nagtuturo sa loob," a nun calmed us.

Oh?

Para akong gagong biglang kinabahan at naalerto. I unconsciously looked at the room where the nun pointed. From the transparent windows, I saw Mia teaching the kids some origami and there were also nuns assisting the children.

My feet walked toward their direction... at hindi pa ako napakali, pumasok pa ako.

Hindi ko sila nadistorbo at kahit si Mia ay mukhang hindi ako napansin. Air conditioned ang silid kaya't komportable ang lahat sa ginagawa.

I took a vacant sit in the corner. Medyo nahirapan pa ako sa pag-upo sapagkat puro pang-bata ang mga upuan dito. I totally looked like shit sitting on a pastel pink chair.

"Oh, Lukan? You'll participate?"

I immediately nodded dahil baka ano pang isipin ni mother. Oo nga naman, anong gagawin ko rito kung hindi makikisama? Parang timang, Lukan!

"Ito oh," she handed me different colored papers and a pair of scissors.

Jusko, napasabak pa ako sa paper folding nang 'di oras.

Nang inanunsyo ni Mia ang susunod na gagawin, nakinig ako. She was explaining the steps and the children seemed entertained... kahit naman ako, natuwa sa kanya.

She slowly showed us the right way of folding, tamang sunod naman ako kahit hindi talaga marunong.

"Tapos na ba ang lahat?" she softly asked us.

Wow, us, akala mo talaga kasali. I tried suppressing a fucking smile because I didn't want anyone to notice me.

"Next step," Mia announced.

Ang next step ay mahalin mo ako, I joked inside me. Kung wala talaga akong hiya ay sinabi ko na iyon.

Funny how a while ago, I was confused of myself at galit dahil kay Ero Entel. Participating in Mia's small tutorial class erased those negativities... that fast.

Hindi ko naintindihan ang mga sumunod na steps ngunit sinubukan ko upang makasunod. The kids already formed their fucking rose origami habang ako, duda pa sa gawa at halos mapunit na ang papel.

I wanted to ask for Mia's help but I forced myself not to demand, hindi rin naman ako papansinin. I was still figuring how the fuck could this be a rose when someone held both of my hands.

Her hands were cold yet soft. She was beside me and I didn't expect any of this to happen. Tinanggal niya agad ang kanyang mga kamay sa akin at kinuha ang aking papel.

"Mali ka sa last two steps," Mia gently told me.

Tangina!

Lord, salamat, binuo mo akong bobo sa ganito!

"Ganito dapat," she quickly looked at me and I unconsciously nodded.

Binaba ko ang aking tingin sa kanyang ginawang pag-fold at kahit hindi ko na-gets ay ayos lang... dahil lumapit naman siya sa akin at nakipag-usap!

"Can you do it na ba?" she asked me.

I smiled like an idiot.

"Susubukan ko," I answered and did the same thing she taught me.

At ang puta, akala mo kung sino akong expert! Nagawa ko!

"See? Kaya mo naman, e. Pay attention lang sa steps," she said to me.

"Salamat. Medyo na-distract kasi ako kanina kaya... hindi nakasabay," I told her.

She gave me a questionable look and asked, "Distracted? Saan?"

"Sa kagandahan mo," sagot ko, wala ng preno-preno.

Her blushing cheeks were so satisfying to observe and the act that she looked away was so adorable.

"Sa susunod, maglalagay na ako ng sign sa pintuan ng tutorial room," sabi niya makalipas ng ilang segundo.

I chuckled, reresbak pa nga yata 'to.

"Anong nakasulat?" I asked.

"Bawal ang malandi sa klase ko," she answered and rolled her eyes on me.

I watched her walked away and went to a kid. I was left stunned, I couldn't stop chuckling.

I noticed how a simple interaction with Mia could change my day positively. This feeling was too illustrious... and it frightened me.