Chapter 23 | Nothing

I wasn't sure if I looked fine going to school. Monday was just like the other days yet the days seemed draining to even absorb.

I wasted the whole day trying to understand the lessons and the people around me yet I couldn't catch all of it.

Nang uwian, doon lamang ako nagkaroon ng gana sapagkat makau-usap ko na si Lukan. This time, I won't let a second be wasted. I badly wanted to talk to him about our problem.

Sawa na akong mag-isip nang mag-isa, sawa na rin akong umiyak imbis na gumawa ng aksiyon. I got tired living the dream.

Lukan was silent for the first minute of our ride. Katabi ko siya ngunit hindi ako kinikibo at hindi man lang kayang sumulyap sa akin. Trojan was silent too as he observed the outside. We were being driven by Trojan's driver.

I didn't know what was going on inside Lukan's head but whatever it was, I wanted to  know.

Ngumuso ako at dahan-dahang hinaplos ang kanyang leeg. Nakuha ko ang kanyang atensyon doon. Sumunod ay hinaplos ko ang kanyang noo. Wala namang lagnat. Binaba ko ang aking kamay at ngumuso pa muli.

"What was that for?" paos ang kanyang boses nang nagtanong.

"Akala ko may lagnat ka," I answered.

Tumango siya at ibinalik ang tingin sa labas. I observed his actions for a minute. His eyes wondered on the things we passed by. The hard part in trying to read Lukan was that I couldn't see deeper through his eyes—they were blank and secretive.

I noticed Lukan wasn't the type who could tell everything about himself. He would give you informations you need but he set limits... and it saddened me that he wouldn't let himself share his burdens... even to me.

"Uh... pagod ka ba?" I tried reaching out.

"Medyo," tipid niyang sagot, hindi pa rin ako nililingon.

"Okay ka lang?" I asked hesitantly.

He sighed.

"No..." he answered, "but I'll be alright," he tried to assure me.

"Dahil ba kasama ko si Eros noong weekend?" I asked.

Nakita kong tumaas ang kanyang kanang kilay.

"What made you think it was about that?" he asked.

"Because I was with Eros?" I answered unsurely.

Lukan chuckled and said, "I'm cool with it, Mia."

"Then why are you acting like that? You're making me confused. If you have something to say, just spill it," I hissed.

"Nagseselos ka ba?" tanong ko pa muli.

He finally looked at me.

"No," he answered.

I made a face and said, "Duda ako."

Lukan tried to smile.

"It's fine, really. I am holding onto your words, Mia. Gano'n ako katiwala sa 'yo," he said.

I looked away as I understood what he meant.

He added, "You like me, we have the same feeling towards each other. I can be jealous and mad at some times yet at the end of the day, I'll still believe in you, Mia."

I nodded at that.

"Lukan... sorry." I unconsciously said.

His brows arched, "For what? I told you not to say sorry when—"

"I... am afraid," I told him the truth.

"You are worrying, I can see," he told me.

I nodded.

"I want to... clear things to my family," I started.

"I know you want that too... but... I can't do it alone—"

"Mia, sino ba ang nagsabing ikaw lang ang dapat gumawa ng paraan? I'm here and ready for this," he said, calming me.

I stared at him.

"I was only waiting for you to be sure. Ayaw kitang pangunahan," he added.

"How could you be ready for this?" I asked.

"Because I'm sure of you," he answered with no hesitation.

I paused. It hit me.

I was not sure but I personally didn't want to lose him. I wasn't sure about myself but I couldn't afford Lukan away from me. Was I being selfish?

"Lukan, do you really want us to be legal? Kahit kunwari, hindi naman 'to mabigat para sa atin," I asked him again.

"Oo naman," he answered.

I sighed.

"I am afraid of what my father will do when he finds out about us," I confessed.

"Huwag kang matakot, kasama mo ako," he assured me.

"I want us to solve our problem by telling them the truth... ngunit kailan ba puwede?" I asked him.

"Kapag kaya mo na," he answered.

Why was he always thinking of me?

"Kaya ko naman..."

"Then... we'll both prepare for it," he said.

I moved my head to take a look of him. I got relieved when I knew he understood. How could Lukan patiently comprehend me when I couldn't even be sure of myself?

I was lucky having him and I worried about losing him.

"Lukan!"

Napatili ako nang buhatin niya ako nang walang kahirap-hirap, pa-upo sa kanyang naka-indian seat na mga hita. Buti na lamang at mababa na ang timbang ko!

He resumed to hug me from the back.

"Bakit mo ginawa 'yon!" I asked.

I was thinking deeply of him when he did it.

He chuckled.

"I want to hug you," simple niyang sagot.

We were too close for heaven's sake! I bet Trojan could see us too from the rearview mirror.

Hindi ko na lamang pinatulan ang kanyang sinabi at tinangkilik ko na lamang ang tanawin sa bintana. Dinama ko ang pagkakataong ito imbis na magreklamo.

Nakapatong ang kanyang baba sa aking kanang balikat. I could feel his breath on my neck, tickling yet satisfying.

Gusto ko sanang ipaalam sa kanya ang sinabi sa akin ni ate. Baka sakaling may magawa kaming paraan upang maayos iyon ngunit hindi ko magawang sabihin.

"What are your other concerns?" he asked me.

"W-Wala," nau-utal kong sagot.

"What is it?" he insisted with a calming voicem

"Wala nga!" galit kong utas para sana tumigil na siya.

"Oh? Bat ang taray?" gulat niyang tanong.

"Wala..." huminahon ako at inirapan siya kahit pa hindi niya iyon makita.

"Ayaw mong magsabi, ha," he said.

Nagulat ako nang may naramdaman akong dumaplis na labi sa aking pisngi.

Ano ba 'to?

"Bakit ka ba ganyan?" gulat kong tanong.

Lalo akong nahiya dahil tinawanan niya pa ako.

"Nakakainis ka!" sabi ko habang tawa pa rin siya nang tawa.

Siya na yata ang tatalo sa tawa ni Spongebob.

"Ang cute mo," he said as he wiped off his tears from laughing.

"Nakakainis. Huwag mo na muli iyong gagawin," I ordered him.

"Sorry, nadala lang," aniya at bumalik na sa pagkayakap sa 'kin.

"Sabi mo maglalaro tayo ng Chess?" pag-iba ko sa usapan.

"Hmm... sige. Sa Wednesday na lang. Pupunta ako sa training ninyo," he said.

What? Wednesday pa? E 'di mababawasan ang araw ko na makasama ka.

"Lukan, kapag alam na nila ang tungkol sa atin, ano pang balak mo?" I asked him out of the blue.

I waited for his answer yet nothing came. Hindi niya ako sinagot hanggang sa makarating kami sa aming tahanan.

"Bukas na lang tayo maglaro," aniya bago lumabas ng sasakyan.

Lagi kaming ganito, nagpapa-iwan siya sa labas ng aming village upang hindi kami mahuli.

"S-Sige," sagot ko na lamang.