Well look who's here after such a long break! I'm still on break, mind you. Just finsihed something so thought of sharing it with you all. Hope you all are doing just fine :)

Those of you who are wondering what this story is -- just read the first part before this chapter and you'll understand.

As always, there is Major Character death here, so Bewareeeeee

Happy Reading!

P.S - Sorry for making you cry in advance :(

--

Shivaay almost wished that he had been there in the room when they were removing the ventilator. However, he also knows that it's better that way. Because no one wants to think of their wives like this: tubes ripped off from their throat and another set of tubes being removed from the nose. He can't imagine himself seeing her in such a condition.

It was the best option, kinder. Without the trauma of watching that medical equipment being removed, he could see his beautiful wife like the way she was. Normal. No tube, wires, or monitor pads attached to her like it's her lifeline (which it was). Her. Just her sleeping.

Almost alive.

Her getting ready for leaving him behind forever.

The thought made bile rush up his throat, his head dizzy but he tried to keep it all together. He can't just break down right now. No. He had done that a lot in the past month. Whether in the darkness of his room, in that damn hospital room while holding her limp hand or in front of everyone. He can't afford to do that again. Maybe later, but not now. He's got all the time in his life to grieve.

A small part of him still wanted to keep her with him. If it's possible but he realized what a grave mistake he was doing while keeping her there. To attach her to all those machines so that they can breathe for her for his sake of mind. He can't be cruel to his wife. No, he can't. He had been selfish for the past month when everyone had told him to let her go. When he knew there was no chance for her recovery because her brain was dead. Still, he tried to hold on to her for a bit more. He was that small child who still believed in miracles. But it wasn't like that anymore. He knew. And so he decided to let her go. He realized he could breathe a bit better. He felt a bit lighter but nothing could compare the sting, the emptiness he feels in his heart.

But not knowing hurt. He spends every single moment wondering if this is how he was going to let her go. He wonders whether she will be breathing. Dr. Wali told that it's highly unlikely for her lungs to fail after they removed the tube for the second time. How much time will it take? How much time does he want? Would he even be ready? He tries to make himself ready for that situation but he knew he could never make himself come to peace with this. Would it be quick? He wants it to be quick however he also wants to suck up all those moments slowly as possible because she will be there with him for the last time.

Dr. Wali stepped out of the room with a small sad smile, "you can go inside now"

Nodding, he let Gauri lead him, she stepped ahead but stopped in front of the door, her hands ready to push it, then she looked up to the doctor and started with a hoarse voice, "how is she doing?" Her voice cracked in the end but no one tried to point that out.

"Initially she started gasping when we removed the tube, but we controlled it from the onset," the doctor said with sad eyes.

"So, you are saying she is breathing?" Shivaay said, his voice hopeful. But he didn't know why he needed that reassurance that she is breathing because the whole point of this thing was for her not to breathe. The right thing. The humane thing. But even after all this, even after deciding to let her go, he couldnt come to peace with the thought of her just ceasing.

"Not quite regular, but she is breathing" the doctor replied earnestly, she hesitated but eventually let her hand reach out to touch him - maybe providing him some comfort which he thought he didnt need until now - and squeezed his elbow without any pressure, "She'll go quickly, Shivaay. You all should go and be with her."

"Vanya?" he asked, finally letting his eyes drawn up to meet hers. Desperation was clear in his voice, For what? He doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't want to let Vanya see her mother like this. He had been in denial for letting his daughter go through this whole process but it will be cruel of him to not let her say her goodbye to her mother for the last time. He can't bear that guilt for the rest of his life.

"Since the ventilator is removed, you can let her come and see her. It will be less frightening for her" she gave his wrist a little squeeze, "And make her leave whenever you think is the time. She's your daughter, it's your call"

And for the first time in his life, Shivaay didn't know what to do. This wasn't something he could navigate for, no he never thought that this could be something he would have to take the accountability for because who plans for their wife's death?

"How will I know?" he whispered hoarsely, desperately looking between Dr. Wali and Gauri for some kind of guidance, "How will I know when she's ready to leave?" he choked, took a deep breath and started again, "How would I know she's done saying Goodbye?"

"You'll know" the doctor replied, her eyes full of determination, almost making him believe her, "You will. Just the way you knew Annika was ready, you'll know when she is, too."

He hoped nothing more than anything for this to be right, but more than that, he hopes that his daughter will be able to find that peace, acceptance, knowledge in the next few hours which he still couldn't yet find.

He knew he would never will.

--

The very first thing Shivaay noticed when his daughter stepped inside the room was that she was clutching her favourite stuffed toy which was a brown-coloured shaggy bunny that Annika had bought for her on her first birthday and ever since that toy had been a source of comfort to his daughter. And she loved that damn thing even though it was a heinous little creature for him.

A layer of sadness settled on his already broken heart thinking that this was the last gift his daughter had ever gotten from her mother. Will she keep it with her forever as a memory of her beautiful and charismatic mother? Will she even remember her? She's so small and Shivaay wants nothing more than his daughter having the memory of her mother all her life. He'll make sure of this no matter what.

He had to look away from her for a moment because she was her mother's spitting image - same button nose, same black raven black hair, same smile.

For now, he shoved down his grief, his soul-deep shriek that his entire being is making, his terror with a metaphorical blanket because at the end of the day he was a father. Vanya's father.

If there will ever be a time to be strong for his family, it was now. Vanya needed someone to be patient, to be kind enough for her to explain what is going on right now. And his wife needed someone to hold onto her hand and guide her gently through the end.

And neither of these tasks were the things he was ever qualified for, and yet, he was here doing it anyways. He had to do this - for the sake of his daughter, for the sake of his own mind and the sake of his wife.

That is what married life and parenthood were, right? A series of obstacles, each more terrifying than the other, like a sky full of clouds obscuring the brightening stars.

He had never been prepared, maybe that was the whole point.

For letting Annika go.

"Hey, Vanya," Shivaay smiled softly at his daughter as he stroked Annika's palm with his thumb, "Your bunny is coming too?"

"Yes, I brought it for Mumma" she murmured, shuffling her feet as she left Shivaay's mother side and came to his, "Grandma said I can't stay longer with Mumma, but Bunny can"

He didn't miss the way Gauri ducked her head into her arm to engulf her sob across Annika's bed, and he sure as hell didn't miss the way his heart dropped to his gut at the words.

"Yes, Bunny sure can," he murmured, pulling Vanya into his lap and dropping a kiss at the crown of her head, "Did Grandma told you what's happening now?"

Pinky, his mother looked at him with teary eyes as Shivaay glanced up at her. The sight in front of him punched the air out of his lungs because this is the first time his mother looked so old. How the creases on her forehead and near her eyes felt so prominent, how her eyes drooped from the pain she is going through, how weary her expression was and for the first time he felt guilt grip his heart for leaving his daughter to his mother's care because he was so busy in his grief that he forgot that others are in grief too.

Vanya nodded,"The lady doctor took away the machines that were helping Mumma breath, so now she's gonna stop."

Shivaay was always baffled by children's emotions. His daughter didn't look so distressed as she used to be in her previous visit. She looked more normal than he had ever seen her. Hesitant? Yes, like always, a little gloomy but there wasn't any hint of any grief which was engulfing everyone else.

He wonders whether he should pity or envy her for this.

"Yeah, baby," every word felt too hard for him to utter, "you know we need to breathe to live, right?"

She nodded.

"So, you know..... that Mumma's going to-- to die now, right? When she stops breathing, she's going to die."

He didn't miss the way his mother flinched at his words.

He felt like an insensitive asshole, saying it so bluntly, but he was just going through every advice he's been given. Honesty is the best policy, even if the truth is beyond brutal. His daughter needs to understand how permanent this is. And most importantly she deserves to understand that this is the end.

His daughter looked at Annika's face for a while, as if studying her, reaching out her hand hesitantly to poke her arm. Shivaay didn't stop her. It wasn't like Annika was feeling it, anyway.

"Dying looks normal" she finally uttered.

Shivaay couldn't deny her because she was right. It was the same concept he was tussling with since he entered the room. For the first time in weeks, Annika looked exactly like herself. No machines, no ventilator or monitor. Just Annika, eyes closed and lips parted. A part of him wanted to scoop her in his arms and carry her to their bedroom and put her there, it would be easier to pretend. Tomorrow they'll wake up and have breakfast together. His mother will complain about her smartphone because she still isn't used to modern technologies, Vanya babbling about her drawing book. Annika would burn the pancakes and he would kick her out of the kitchen, exasperated but with love in his eyes.

It could be a normal day. A nice, normal day.

Except it isn't. It was the last day.

It's so easy to imagine all this and it's equally hard to know that this could never happen again.

"It does look normal, isn't it?" He whispered, improvising as he spoke, "That's.... that's because dying isn't all that scary, especially when you have your loved ones there to help you."

For the first time, Gauri spoke up since Vanya entered the room. She was watching this the whole time with teary eyes and was holding herself together for the sake of this kid, "Vanya, darling, you can sit with your mother if you'll like?" She gently gestured towards Annika.

"But I wasn't allowed to do that before" the child whispered as she looked up to her father for confirmation.

"Well, lady doctor said that it's alright now since all the machines are gone," Shivaay replied as he saw his daughter's eyes lit up with the thought of being with her mother and he felt himself break a bit more.

What harm could she cause at this point? He wondered, bitterness rising fast on his tongue. We are letting her die. There's nothing for them to preserve, nothing for him to protect even from a harmless child like her.

Just a broken body and the memory of a lady who he thought he'll have by his side forever.

He helped her climb the bed and once she was there, he dropped his hands and let her do what she wanted herself.

His heart broke when he saw her crawl right up to her chest and tried to tuck herself beside her, letting out a frustrated humph when Annika's arms stayed a deadweight against the mattress. Shivaay gulped the lump in his throat and grabbed her wrist and lifted it so that his daughter can adjust herself there in her usual spot: her head on Annika's shoulder as she'll make herself as small as possible and curls herself against her ribs. Once she was settled, he carefully laid her hand on Vanya's form so that his child could have the illusion that her mother was holding her. For the last time, he let her daughter have this luxury.

As a whole, as he leaned back, the scene in front of him was something he had seen a million times, his daughter curling up beside her mother or sometimes on her chest as Annika would tug her closer to herself, shelter her with her body. Then they'd both fall asleep like that a lot, both his babies tangled up together all warm and save.

It was a warm image. One of his favourite if he's being honest.

But he hated the fact that this image is going to that collection. Now every single time when he'll think of this, this image is going to burn behind his eyes as how his daughter is clinging to her mother that was never going to hold her again.

His hands started to tremble but he steadied them on the mattress as he looked up to the two women present there for support. They both nodded and he steeled himself for the upcoming events.

This was the time; he has to do this, no matter how much he didn't want to do it.

"Darling? Do you want to tell your mother goodbye?" he tried to steady his voice as much as he can as he rubbed the back of his daughter more for his comfort than hers, "Do- Do you have anything- to tell her about?"

Vanya looked up to him from where she had buried herself in Annika's chest, her eyebrows burrowing together in confusion.

"Goodbye Goodbye?" She asked softly, her voice small and impossibly sad.

This is wrong. A child should never sound this defeated and miserable. This is so wrong. Not at all fair. So, so wrong!

"Yeah baby," he replied. He was so proud of himself for holding on to this together, even though every inch of his body wants to come apart so bad, "This is Goodbye Goodbye, now."

"Oh" she exclaimed, a bit troubled, "I... I dunno what to say"

"Well, you can tell her how much you love her?" Gauri provided softly with an encouraging look.

"Okay," She said thoughtfully and turned to look up at her mother with soft eyes, "I love you, Mumma, I love you so much and I miss you too. You are the best Mumma in the entire world." She dropped her face on her chest. "I.... I wish you hadnt gone to sleep when Daddy asked you not to. I didn't like it."

Shivaay bit his knuckles to stop himself from crying. Gauri and Pinky stepped away from the bed, their back to the bed. Shivaay could see the shuddering of their breath from their quivering shoulders.

"Mumma loved you so much, you know that Vanya, don't you?" Tears were running down his face now. There was no stopping them right now, no more concealing his pain from her. It was in every quiver in his voice, on his whole face. He just hopes for the best that she understands its okay to be sad sometimes. That it was okay to be sad when sad things happened. "She.... There wasn't anything else in the world that she loved more than you baby."

Vanya curled up closer to her side. "Well, there isn't anything in the world I love more than Mumma, So we are the same." She shrugged.

They were, Shivaay thought. He realized that surviving would be more difficult now. She took after Annika in every sense except for the eyes. She laughed just like her, the carefree or without any retrain one. There was something about her face structure that was very similar to her and the hair had the same texture and colour.

They both were meant to be there for each other. As morbid as it sounded, he knew Annika had this sense of calmness knowing that her daughter wouldn't have to live alone like herself since her parents passed away when she was small and all she had was Gauri by her side. There wasn't any shadow of an adult on her and he knew Annika never wanted her child to go through this.

Annika was supposed to be Vanyas lifelong hero, her permanency. Vanya was a spitting image of her mother more than hell give account for. Vanya grew up seeing her mother as her role model and Shivaay wanted this to happen more than anything and he was so glad but now he wonders what will happen now? Whom she will look up to? Him? That cant happen because it will be a disaster.

God, he hopes not.

"Daddy," Vanya's sudden voice broke him out of his never-ending reverie, the bitter cold of the hospital room washing over him like pin and needle pain as he was reeled back to the reality, "Does Mumma have to go now?"

He looked up at his wife's face. He drank in her chapped lips, her sunken eyes and her bloodless cheeks. He tried to bring in the image of his Annika, the Annika with life in every inch of her body but each flash got lost in the haze of a premature loss.

This is what he had forced her to become. His Wife. His beautiful, beautiful wife. She was just an echo of herself now, held by machines and sterile bedsheets. Annika was life. She bled vibrancy, breathed light. What kind of a cruel monster had Shivaay become, to prolong her end like this?

She should have died right there on the road, warm and instant. That would have been kindness.

Nobody had to linger this long. For some weird reason, Shivaay came to this sudden realization with his grief-gifted clarity, that loved ones, if they have to die, should die suddenly. All at once, in a blink of an eye. At least it will save them from having false hope, not grasping at sunsets that had to happen inevitably.

"Yes," he rasped, and at that exact moment he made himself a promise that one day he will think of her and see sparking brown eyes which are filled with love, laughter that brightens up everyone's mood. He would remember this girl as life, not as a hanging dead. "Yes, Mumma. Mumma has to go now."

And maybe, with concealed astonishment, for the first time, he truly believed it.

__

Shivaay never really thought that death could be this slow.

To be honest, he never really considered it.... ever. He thought it to be violent, sudden. For Shivaay, he never really thought it to be this gentle. When Dr Wali was explaining to him what will happen, he still sort-of expected that one second she will be alive, warm and sleeping and the next moment she will just..... be gone.

But that's not even near to that.

After half an hour later when Vanya left, Annika started something the doctor called as Cheyne-Strokes breathing.

Shivaay just called it what exactly it was: Fucking horrifying.

She would be breathing normally, a bit slow, a bit unrhythmic, and then she would take a handful of deep, borderline desperate breaths, and just..... stop.

Each time she does that, Shivaay wondered if this was it. It had to come eventually, right? They were rushing towards the cliffs now. Perhaps they'd finally tipped off the edge. Death was crashing into his wife, slipping under her skin and pulling her in an embrace that even Shivaay can't scare away.

This entire thing was a nightmare for him rather nightmare turned into reality for him.

"It's Funny," Gauri finally muttered; her voice watery as she tried to keep her voice steady. Her eyes showed how much hard this was for her to let go of her sister like this, "I dont know whether I want to ask her to stay or beg her to let go."

Shivaay played with a strand of his wife's hair as he wrapped one of her curls around his fingers and almost without thinking said, "I wonder if she needs permission."

The moment the words left his mouth, he felt it so absurd. He's surprised himself that this is coming from someone like him who has always looked to the practical side of everything. Despite what everyone told him, he understood what the lack of brain activity on Annika's scan meant.

Annika was gone. He'd seen the life leave her eyes on that road. She has died staring at his eyes. His face was the only last thing she saw.

There wasn't any Annika left in this body pressed against his side. It was only muscles, bones and skin. Dying organs stuttering in a dying shell. A remnant.

But..... those were the things he knew logically. Still somewhere in his heart, in the part where it excited beyond any hard cold facts, he couldn't help but worry that she was holding on because she thought that they weren't ready to let her go.

Gauri didn't ridicule him for it. She just nodded understandably, as if she was thinking the same thing, and pressed her lips closer to Annika's ear, her limp hand clutching tightly in her own.

"You can.... You can go now sweetheart," she whispered, Shivaay can hear the choked off sobs in her voice, "It's alright, you can rest now. We are all going to be okay. Vanya-" a sob stopped her from continuing, "Vanya will grow into a fine woman and you'll be proud of her." She moved closer and now held her cheeks in her hand, "Just relax, sister. We've kept you for so long as it is, you no longer have to be brave for us anymore. Its time for you to go, and that's okay for me, baby. That's okay."

Shivaay realized with a bitter taste that the silence that followed was for him to continue, that it was his turn and he felt at loss of words.

It was his turn to tell his wife that it was okay to let go. Maybe this might bring some disclosure to him.

He assumed a similar position like Gauri, pressed his nose into the side of her head, hair tickling his face. One hand was resting just above her heart as he felt it shudder beneath his fingers.

"Yeah, baby." His voice was gruff like he's been gargling shards of glass, "You've put one hell of a fight, but as you have always taught me, we cant fight em all, right? You're..... You're off duty from the pain I have put you through just because I wanted to hold onto you just a little bit longer. I'll take care of everything."

There were a million goodbyes he wanted to talk about right now, he can talk about. Trillions of things his wife needs to hear, trillions of things he wanted to speak in the world.

Yet, none of that matter anymore, he knew that for sure.

The only thing that mattered right now is for Annika to know that she was loved, that it was okay to just let go.

"I love you, Ann" He kissed her temple, forced himself to ignore the fact that the skin was cold and waxy. "I love you so much, but you need to let go now, you've been fighting for so long, love. You might be so, so tired," Everything inside of him hurt, so nothing did altogether. It was a strange sort of fullness that never brought the feeling of fullness albeit emptiness and bursting in totally opposing moments. "Just try to sleep. Maybe think about your parents."

Or just think about how much I love you. Thats what I'll be doing. I'll be thinking about how much I love you for the rest of my life and how you are somewhere safe and warm: A thought that could never cease.

__

Annika's last breaths were, strangely, some of the most peaceful ones Shivaay has ever heard.

The gurgling and rasping stopped in those final minutes and without them, the room fell into complete silence. Every once in a while, Shivaay and Gauri's breath will line up with Annika's and they would all gasp in all at once.

There was nothing climatic about the final breath. Annika didn't twitch, didn't move or gave any indication of her final moments. It just happened.

Annika took a deep breath in. If possible, Shivaay would make that breath grander than it was. He convinced himself that it was gentler than the rest, more tinged with peace. However, in reality, it was just a regular inhale. There was nothing that made it different from the others except for the significance that the absence of another gave it a different meaning.

That's how life worked, he supposed. Human knows the worth of something through beginnings and conclusions. That's why rainy days are more noticeable than sunny ones because we are so accustomed to it, Sadness tastes bitter because we are so used to joy, each breath doesn't count unless the last one.

Annika's last exhale was noticeably deeper than the others. Shivaay imagined if they were in a movie, Annika's body would have relaxed into the mattress, indicating what's happening.

A few seconds passed without another breath. Shivaay rubbed a thumb over her ribs. Across from him, Gauri held her hand to her mouth.

A few moments passed, and Annika lay still, silent.

Something fell over the room, then. Shivaay nor Gauri froze in horror, or gasped or screamed in grief and agony.

Shivaay just looked up and slipped his hand in her hair. This was the only farewell he can give her, at this point. Maybe, just maybe, it will help him settle into death peacefully, as well.

At the very least, it lessened some of the burdens that had settled in his chest, and he imaged Annika would like that if she knew about it.

Gauri's eyes met his and they shared the understanding between them.

Annika had listened to them, she realized that they were ready to let her go. And so she let herself go, drifted somewhere just out of their reach.

For some strange reason, the emotions which Shivaay felt at that time was not Anger, or agony, or even sadness. It was a sense of peaceful completion.

It was over. All the suffering, all that struggle, it was over, now.

He didnt have to worry about her anymore. She is alright.

Safe.

Resting.

"That's it, sister," Gauri murmured, sniffling a little as she traced her fingers on her cheeks, "that was so brave of you, we are so proud of you."

Shivaay wondered if it took bravery to die. He realized it would if he would have been in her situation, leaving everything behind that was precious to him.

He wonders whether he'll have the courage to let go when his time will come.

He buried his face into her hair. She was lukewarm beneath him, soft and pliable.

"You did so good baby," he choked out, surprised as the wave of tears swept him out of his feet from underneath him. He hadn't felt them coming, although, maybe he should have anticipated them. "You did so well, Love. God, Annika, you did so well."

And I love you, he thought, but it felt wrong to voice it out, now, like it shouldn't be voiced when his wife was no longer to hear it. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Dr Wali came in after a few minutes, murmuring soft condolences and asking if there was anything they needed. He thought, he answered, probably some half-sobbed version of - no thank you, the only thing I need is my wife to open her eyes and take her in my arms, but that's not gonna happen ever again.

Soon, he has to pull himself together enough for Vanya to come to visit again, for his family. Soon, he would have to do all the necessities to perform a funeral. Soon, he would have to face the world for the rest of his life with a permanent emptiness in his soul. Soon, he has to do everything except for the things he wants to do and the list goes on.

But for now, he just closes his eyes, took a deep breath, and let the thought that Annika still smells like Annika waft his very soul with a temporary calmness that he needed right now, and tried to imagine that in a different world, a much kinder world, he got to live with her till his last breath.

THE END.

I will keep you safe inside my mind
As I try to say goodbye
There was more than one heart that stopped that night
I'm so sorry.
- Jacob Lee

I know, I know this is sad. Trust me, I shed some tears myself writing this. And I hope you all too felt what I felt writing this. Would love to know about your thoughts regarding this!

Much Love,
-Anya.